Ups and downs

A while ago a friend of mine shared a picture telling me she would love to do the depicted (no sexual pun intended). It was a picture of a notebook. Someone created a very colourful page that stated: a year in color (I type what I see). Underneath a diagram a seen above. It has all the months in a year and the days of that month.
The colours on the side of it stand for how the day has been. From top to bottom:
Purple = amazing
Dark blue = great day
Light blue = good day
Yellow = eh
Orange = bad day
red = worst day ever

I loved the idea, so I asked my friend if we could start one at the same time. Enthusiasm. I recreated this wonderful idea of someone I don’t know in an Excel sheet and send an empty copy to her. We are both filling one out at the moment. As you can see we started last month.
Yes this is actually a print screen of my recreation.

About two weeks ago this friend and I were talking. Her diagram has loads of colour. Her days vary much more than mine. We were talking about that. How can my diagram be so “stable”.
I’ll tell you why…..

If you have read my posts you might get that even though I grew up in a great home, I was not always a happy kid. At times I felt like a burden to everyone, not happy that I existed an wondering if I should. There is a whole lot I could tell you about it, but I won’t because it is something I have dealt with. Not that it was easy, but I did it. I came out on top. There are a whole lot of people that aren’t so lucky. This bit of background is important, why?

I am prone to depression. One way to deal with those is by taking medicine. I don’t want that, because it may be a great help, but there are downsides as well. Since I am not that depressed that I need them no matter wat I think I do without. Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have to be on guard for negative feelings at all times. I can NEVER let that guard down, if I do it could be disastrous. It happened at one time….. let’s just say it was a good thing I didn’t have any sharp objects at hand or anything else that could help me step out at that moment.

If I am on guard things are OK. I don’t like psychiatrist or psychologists most of the time, because to me they sound too much like a self-help tape recorded by someone who just knows stuff through observing instead of really knowing, but there has been this diamond between the pebbles at times that truly where able to help me. They helped me observe the path my mind takes and they helped me find ways to block the path it wants to take if negative feelings occur. I can steer my mind the right way, but it takes effort and time.

What you see above is the result of being able to fight the depressions. My mind does the same as the medicine do. It numbs things out, sort of. Most days end up being good days, because things balance each other out. I will always try to be overly positive about things. Look for the bright sides. Now believe me, just telling myself things are positive does not work, I had to work on feeling that. But I learned how to and now the looking on the bright side helps me to keep my day good. There is the occasion that no matter how bright I might want sides to look, nothing helps, but at least I have not had a worst day ever yet. On the other hand, because of keeping everything in check I don’t think it will be easy to score amazing days. I don’t mind though. I am happy I can say most days are good. That is a huge improvement on when I was younger. Back then there would have been loads of worst days ever. At least now I know that a purple day is truly purple.

I am very curious to see what the rest of the year will do. Tell you what. I’ll post a picture of it when June 2019 is done. You can see for yourself how 2018/2019 has been for me.
I would like to thank my friend for sharing the picture with me, because it is very helpful to find out these kinds of things about yourself.
And thank you to the original creator. I don’t know who you are, but this is a super idea!


P.S. Even though I was truly unhappy loads of times, in hindsight I have been happy loads of times as well. The dark was just much stronger than the light. I learned to turn that around.