Showing your heart

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. Who would have thought singing could do this!

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. It started in a train on my way home with a colleague. We were talking about things we like/love to do. Remember I told you before (even though people who do not know me well enough might not agree) that I am very self-conscious and always afraid to make a fool of myself without intending to. I told my colleague I dreamed of being an actress/musical star when I was younger, but fear kept me from pursuing that dream.

As we talked he asked me what I wanted to do most, acting or singing. I told him it did not matter and that is how things changed. He was part of an orchestra that was about to put on a show, and for this show they needed a choir. He asked me to come along for his meeting with a choir they asked to be a part of this and I agreed. He cancelled on coming along just before we were supposed to meet at the rehearsal of this choir and I ended up going there on my own.

I felt so sick when entering the building, shaking hands with one of the members and sitting down to talk to her about this choir and the fact that I could try out and become a part of it. I wanted to turn around and run, but I didn’t.
The other members started arriving and gave me such a warm welcome (yet cold sweat was still an issue for me) that I went through with the rehearsal. I joked about being there to get them to sing off key, but it went rather well. I felt so good afterward!!!

Who would have thought singing could do this! I sang at home, where no-one could hear me, safe. Then some years before I took this step, some dear friends of mine got me to sing along with one of these singing games (my first time not singing at home or school) and I loved those, but this…. It is so much different if you sing as part of a whole I cannot describe the feeling.

It felt good to be a part of this group of people, and I learned a lot with them, but being self-confident was not one of those things. Most people in there are so good I felt small and I relied on others instead of myself. Plus I figured I wanted to act as well as sing, so I said my goodbyes to these wonderful people and left to find a group that acted as well.

I found such a group, not in my city, but near. They made me feel welcome as well and it felt good becoming a part of them. They were preparing for a play and I became part of it. I started to feel more and more confident about my singing and had lots of fun. Some people left the group and one of those people sang a couple of songs that were important for the play. Those songs needed new singers and one of those songs is very dear to me, because of my father. There was to be an audition for who would sing it.

Back at my first choir I had auditioned, but afterward I felt sooooooo bad, I said I would never do that again. For this song at my new choir I reconsidered an auditioned. And guess what I got to sing the song!!!!!

A couple of months have passed since the play took place, and I truly loved it and the people I sing with, but…
I feel more and more reluctant at going there, so I have to decide, do I stay at the choir (I have been to three rehearsals since the beginning of this year) or do I stop there.

Today I reached a decision, and they don’t know this yet, but I have decided to stop singing there. My partner told me I need my relaxation and knows choir brings that for me, so he did not agree, until I told him that I will go on singing, but in our own town. I’ll find another choir, stop thinking about the acting (this choir was still more of a choir than a musical group) and be content with singing.

I may not be the best singer (I need training, but that takes money), but I enjoy it, so I will keep doing this. Singing (acting) is showing people your heart. It took me a long time before I had the courage to do this, but I don’t want to shut it away again, so new choir, here I come!!!!

Love dreamer

Years back, right?

I vividly remember how scary things where when I was younger. maybe, just maybe, this post can show someone else they are not alone in their fears.

I vividly remember how scary things where when I was younger. The reason I remember so vividly? I think it is because most things are still as scary to me, but I’ve learned to hide it better.

Enter a room full of people I don’t know. When I was younger I did it from behind the leg of my father of mother. Now I stand outside for several minutes telling myself I can do this, they won’t bite (like my parents used to) enter the room with butterflies in my stomach and the feeling I could throw up any minute, but a smile on my face and a faked confidence (or so I hope) so they won’t see I am an easy prey.

Getting out of the house for groceries, to get to work, go to someone I know and like…. Not a problem. Getting out of the door to get rid of weeds or wash windows, WHY DO I HAVE TO? I know everyone does these things, but I don’t want to. “Why not” People can see me doing these things. “So?” Well, they will have an opinion about me won’t they? What if they think I am weird, or worse what if they make fun of the way I do those chores? “They won’t, why would they?” I don’t know, but it is possible, so I don’t want to.
That is just one of the arguments I have with myself. And it is nonsense to be afraid of what people think at that moment, I know, but still.
I can be weird on purpose, than I don’t mind what they think, it is the thoughts they can have about me when I am not being silly. The fear of people being nice to you because you are ‘special’.

The fact that my fears didn’t disappear struck me this week, because of one of my co-workers. She did not do anything, but look so damn self-confident. Remember the popular girls in school. Looking like they knew everyone would run for them if they snapped their finger and with good right? That’s what she felt like for me at that moment. Every damn time I see her I feel like the four year old, on her birthday at school, forced to bring the teachers a treat, so she goes into the classrooms of the older kids and feels like she should be swallowed by the earth, because they are so much more than she is.

I tell myself I am an adult, I should not feel like I am less than anyone else. I should be proud of me, and I am. But at those moments I don’t believe myself and still wish for the earth to swallow me.

Maybe I handle it with more grace than when I was younger, but those feelings… I am afraid they will never leave me. I’ve decided it is better to get to know them and be friends them, at least that gives me a better capacity to deal with them.

That being said, I am happy with me (getting happier growing older, because you learn how to) and my quirks are part of me so it makes me the (most times I hope) loveable person I am. But maybe, just maybe, this post can show someone else they are not alone in their fears. Maybe they differ in how big they are, but we are not alone.

Love dreamer

Winter?

So here we are in the new year, there is summer to look forward to, but noooooo winter decides to show up after all.
And not all in either, but just enough to let you know it still exists, even with global warming.

So here we are in the new year, there is summer to look forward to, but noooooo winter decides to show up after all.
And not all in either, but just enough to let you know it still exists, even with global warming.

I do not mind winter, I like the season well enough and had fun in the snow and on frozen lakes as a kid. The problem is it is never truly winter anymore. An because of that you cannot truly prepare for it, can you?

One day all roads freeze over, not visible (that is the time I fell of my bike three times! Now I am actually afraid to ride my bike when it feels to cold outside. I am such a whimp!) the next the sun is shining and you feel like you should see lambs in the field next to the sheep, in other words, spring should have started.

I like winter if it comes as winter, not if it just weaves in and out like a ninja. Can it be that winter does that as a revenge against global warming? I see it happening:

Winter sits in this icy lair of his, waiting for Summer and Autumn to pass:
“Those foolish humans! Why do they have to mess with nature, don’t they know everything has his balance? Why do they mess with everything they come across? Someone has to stop them, tell them what they are doing is BAD!”
There is this little (adorable) monster sitting at his feet, looking like a little snowball asking: “But Winter, who will be able to tell them that, don’t they know already?”
Winter: “No they don’t, because then they would have changed their ways would they not? Let’s get together with the other seasons and talk this over!

Then the other seasons come over and they agree, they have to tell us to stop doing things the way we are. But how, because they don’t speak nature!
And that is why, Summer is never the Summer he used to be, he holds back on us, to tell us we are doing wrong. He will give us a warm day now and again, but never a full nice summer, that is something from the past. Spring and Autumn agreed to be even more unpredictable then before, taking days off, so Winter can take over. It was his idea, so he can have most fun in communicating his discontent. Winter comes by all year around, giving us blasts of snow and cold when we least expect it, but never enough to truly get used to is.

“It will be had to divide our attention like that”, Summer says. To what winter replies: “That is why we start small, figure out how we can alternate our work and gradualy spread across the whole globe”.

And that is what is happening, they tell us to take care of nature and our world, but we are not listening, and as a result winter has decided to start its burst after all. No, you can’t have enough snow for snow angels, just enough to unsettle you, and then I am gone.
I wish I could fix things for nature, but I am afraid we need to work together on that one (and I am nog a saint if it comes to saving nature single handed, because I like my comforts as well as anyone), so let’s see if we can get the seasons on our side again 😀

Love dreamer

Couch potato,

First of all, sorry it has been a while.Now that this is out of the way, I have been thinking about the blog and something I really want to share. thank you city officials, for wanting to be de bike friendliest city of the country!

Hi there.
First of all, sorry it has been a while. I could give you all excuses possible, like I haven’t been feeling well and all, but there is no excuse that covers not writing.

I have just been lazy. As a matter of fact that is one of my worst qualities. I am lazy as hell.
Give me a show to watch, I will do nothing but watch for a long time.
Household chores need to be done, one more episode, one more… Ok when the clock strikes three I will do the things that need to be done. Shit five o clock, I need to cook before my partner gets home. While cooking I work the things that really catch you eye out of sight, well I guess I have done some of  the chores, so…. Right, everything that needs to be on the stove is on it, let’s watch some more episodes.

So that’s me, until a deadline creeps up on me for something important to do, then I go do it.
As I said, lazy. That is why there was no new blog within a week, because there is no one telling me it has to be written at a specific moment. So… Sorry it has been a while, it is all on me.

Now that this is out of the way, I have been thinking about the blog and something I really want to share.

Where I live it is quite normal to go places by bike. As a matter of fact, cities get declared bike friendliest town of the year. The city I live in is going for that title for the year 2020. The things they come up with to realize that are insane!!!!

Bike roads are being placed though parks, so grass has to clear the way for a red road wide enough for a car to pass over. What do they think? That drivers will think, “he a shortcut, wait, it is for bikes because it is red, well I will do the right thing and drive all the way around”. Of course they won’t, so before you know it the park made way for an undercover road, nice job!

And what about the traffic light for bicycles. Normally you have just the traffic light, green is go, red is stop. We all know to wait, even the colour blind know, top is red, bottom is green. Our city placed countdown lights next to the traffic light. Nice right! You hit the button to have the light turn to green, the countdown light turns on and you see a circle of lights where light turn off until there is no light left on, the traffic light turns green and there you go.

Lovely in theory, because now you know how long you have before the light turns green. If you want to take off you jacket and put it on the back of the bike, you know when you have to be done, because the thing will be counting down orderly, right? WRONG!

Sometimes you hit the button, the countdown light turns on and within seconds it the circle of lights went out. At other times the circle of light turns on, the first light turns off, then turns on, then turns off, then turns on, then turns off, then turns on (this can take up to two minutes of going on, so I will stop writing it down, just read it over and over until you feel it has been an eternity) and then all at once the circle looks like a loading circle, one after the other all light turn off. You can go.
Then there is the most irritating version. You see the lights tick away, it is going steadily (jay a good one!) ten, nine, eight, seven, six, (foot on the peddle), five, four, three, (get ready to move!), two, one (Let’s go!), one, one, one, one, (why is the light still red? I almost went, if I hadn’t used my eyes that car would have driven over me!!!), one, one, one, one, (ok my foot is cramping, let’s get it of the paddle), green! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

So thank you city officials, for wanting to be de bike friendliest city of the country!
I think their secret agenda is to get people with bad harts to work up a heart attack and people with not too much intellect to get run over by cars to make sure only the best people get to live in this city.
Luckily for me the light does not weed out the lazy 😀

Love dreamer

Changing directions

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.
I decided then and there it is time to change.

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.

The company I work for doe soooooooooo much to help the people that work there grow!
Since I work here (about half a year) I have been to six events organized by the company and four of them where actually based on growing as a person! On one of the occasions there even was a professional photographer to take pictures you can use as profile pictures!

Last Tuesday I had a workshop to find out if I am on the right track. I figured it would entail hearing if you are still right for the company, but man was I wrong!
We worked on finding out who we are, if we are doing the thing that makes us feel good and what we need in the changing society in order to stay on top of thing, with or without the company we are working for.

We got a chance to listen to each other, and help to find ways to reach goals. It was that workshop that helped me figure out I have been relying on safety where it can’t be necessarily found. From the moment the workshop had started I knew, this would be a mirror I needed. Every aspect of it talked about changes. How the world changed over the years. Think about it…. The year 2000, what where you doing? What was hot at that time? Your phone, what did it look like? (I had a yellow phone that could make calls and send text messages. I could even send pixel pictures, no photos. It was a pre-payed device.) For fun, go on the internet, and look at the news of that year.

So changes. We got shown YouTube clips that talked about change. One of those showed penguins. It had subtitles that said we all walk a much walked path, but there is always a first person to want to try another. If there are enough people willing to follow the first (most of the times after he/she has been declared the biggest fool alive) a new path has been made and will be followed until the next individual gets the idea to try something new.
That is how things work.
I am the follow the path kind of person. Afraid to go off alone. What if there are monsters to eat me!

The last thing we got shown was a picture of a lot of birds on a branch. I think you will all know it. It states that birds are not afraid of the branch breaking, because they trust their wings.
I don’t trust my wings, so I put my trust in the branch. I never thought about the things that can happen to it. I picked a sturdy one to sit on, not a flimsy thing on the side of the tree!
But what if there is a fire, or a storm or something? I never thought about it. I wonder if I am the only one stupid enough not to  trust myself.
Correction, not stupid enough. I am insecure as hell.

I decided then and there it is time to change. I have been through about a third of my life if I am lucky enough. You are never too old to learn, so you sure as hell are not too old to change, if you really want to. And I do.

So I am going to try and become a volunteer in the field of work I wanted to work in since I was a teenager (but could not afford the study). I have already heard I should not go for the study until I find work, so why start with work? Start as a volunteer, create a network, show my worth

AND START TRUSTING MY OWN WINGS, BECAUSE THEY ARE DAMNED GOOD ONES!!!!!!

Love dreamer

Jerks

I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

Ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks? I don’t have anything against anyone and handicap or not, it does not matter to me, I can be  friends with you if you want to and let me. I definitely try not to make a difference between whoever I meet (handicap, skin colour, accent, financial state, sexual preference, anything) because we are all people.

I say try, because I am human to and sometimes not wanting to make a difference means you have to go against instinct. All of us have ideas drilled in from places like home, school, our friends. Those ideas sometimes make that you are afraid of others or think they are weird of anything. I try to give everyone a fair chance and most of the times I succeed.

I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

We all use the quality’s  we have to help us along in life, so if you have a handicap and you can take advantage of it without hurting anyone, do it! You would be a fool not to, because so many people do it as well. But do not think you deserve special treatment because of your handicap, other than medical based. You are a person just as all the others.

Why this? Well I’ve been to a concert last weekend. I had a blast, until I had a wheelchair up at my legs.
This event did not have seats and did not have an area for wheelchairs. I think that is a huge flaw from the organisation, but nothing to be helped at that moment. I did not go alone, there were several of us there, one of them actually in a wheel chair. He had done his research and knew there was no special place for him, so he saw the concert from the side of the stage near the railings that they put up in front of it. The place opened long before the real concert started and there was a lot of space to get near the stage, even for wheelchairs.
There was this young man in such a vehicle that stayed well in the back of the room, but when the concert started he started to move forward. Inch by inch he crept nearer. I was dancing, having a blast, until my room to move was cut off by this metal contraption. (It was a big chair, not the sports type, but the type that does everything for you, it even went up, so the guys eyes where at the same height as most peoples!) Quite a thing it was, and it was pressing at my legs, so I moved a bit to the side, things can happen, he would not do it on purpose right. No he would not. So I had stepped aside (enough room to move after all) and he kept creeping forward!!! Intentionally inching to peoples legs, making them step aside so he would have an even better view!!!!!!

I decided to not let it bother me and enjoy the concert. When he was right beside me I even tried to made a friendly eye contact. Both he and the woman he was with looked at me like I should have dropped dead at the spot. I still feel icy if I think of those looks. And afterward I heard a lot of people complain about this guy and his bulldozer chair.

But that said and my heart cleared. The concert was great (it was golden earring) and I had a blast.
It was a well-blended audience of old and young. The band was great. Everyone was wearing sneakers and comfortable clothing, but not me!!!!! If I go out I want to look the part, so I had put on a dress and the same high heels I wore at New Year’s Eve. You should have seen the look on the faces of some people :D. This was obviously one of the reasons for me to move aside for the bulldozer. Imagine that thing getting on you bare toes!  The horror! Near the end of the concert we went and stood on the side, where our friend in his chair had been. Some girls noticed my heels, I tell you, the missed the encore because they were too busy looking, pointing and whispering. No way someone could have done a concert in these heels!!!! I have, and enjoyed the whole thing, with or without bulldozer.

Love dreamer

P.S. I know I can’t draw, it is the idea that counts 😀

Feeling comfortable

I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true!

So last night before I fell asleep a thought crossed my mind. I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true! I mean it is, but not completely.

Yes, I feel comfortable in ‘letting one rip’ when I am with my partner, I feel comfortable in being my silly self around them, even if my partner doesn’t always feel comfortable when I am being my silly self. Complete picture, yes… I feel safe, comfortable and happy as one can be, but……

When lying in bed I discovered true love is willing to be uncomfortable for the one you love.
I love to fall asleep in the arms of my partner, not comfortable for them, but it means the world to me, so I fall asleep in their arms and when I am soundly of to the land of dreams (trust me I visit there regularly and it is such a strange place!) my partner rolls me into a comfortable position for the both of us.

Last night I could not fall asleep as easily as I am used to, so I tossed and turned. I found myself constantly wanting to make contact. Just touching skin or anything, feeling that you are both in the same bed. In doing so I found a position that did not disturb my partners sleep and made me feel safe and warm, but not all to comfortable. As a matter of fact, I still feel the crick in my neck now that I have woken up to go to work. My partner turned while asleep, so it became even more uncomfortable, because a very important thing called oxygen became difficult to get in my lungs. Difficult, not impossible, so as long as I could breathe I did not mind being this uncomfortable. Eventually I even fell asleep, so…….

Conclusion, you know when you belong together when you feel comfortable in being you and are willing to be uncomfortable just to be a little bit closer to each other.

Love dreamer