Dream

We start at a beautiful house amidst a sea of trees. I will not be the only one staying over, but I like everyone that will be there, so why not. That evening when Ethan is in bed we sit outside by the fire and talk about the discovery Melissa made.

Let’s do my name some justice. Dreams are a way of your brain to deal with things. I will give you a chance to analyse the one I woke up from. The characters have improvised names, created by an online generator,  for better reading.

We start at a beautiful house amidst a sea of trees. It is made of stone, not those red bricks, but those nice grey/brown stones that have different sizes There is enough room for three or more families to live there, but when you drive up to it you think you see a nice small cottage. Because there is no one around for miles there is lots of room for children to play, which is a good thing, because a friend of mine lives there, and she has a little boy.

I will not be the only one staying over, but I like everyone that will be there, so why not. We have all been friends since we were kids, so I looked forward to seeing Patrick, Rafael and Vivian as well. Upon arrival I get a very warm welcome from Melissa and her six year old son Ethan. I am the first to arrive and happy to be there. The outside might look rustic, but once inside you forget you are in the middle of nowhere. It is quite a sight, all walls are white glass, the chairs are crème coloured leather with a metal base and the tables are made of glass. All cabinets are worked into the walls, so you barely notice them.
The kitchen is one of those family places with a high nut-brown counter with matching leather high chairs where everyone can sit and eat and a cooking area a professional would gladly use.
Every room in the house has its own style. Then there is the seating area you get to when you walk out of the kitchen door. Outside there is a nice place to lounge. Long standing lamps along the wall for when you need some extra light and a stone circle to make a ‘campfire’.
I love this house.

Melissa tells me she has discovered something. She is not sure what it is, but she would like to show me. There is something I should know first. What she is about to share should not be seen. She discovered that looking at it is dangerous, so I have to close my eyes. She found this ‘thing’ some time ago, but is not sure what it is.
I am excited, ‘show me already will you!’. We go into the living room. Melissa tells me to close my eyes while she gets a remote control and closes her eyes as well. One of the walls opens up. Behind it there is some sort of television screen. Even though my eyes are closed it is as if I have them open and am looking to a screen of static. Ethan walks into the room and sits on the ground in front of the screen, looking at it, not closing his eyes like his mum told him to. There is a wonderful melody coming from the screen and within the static, lines are visible, words and pictures alternate. I have no idea what it is I am seeing or hearing, but I feel more relaxed than ever.

After a while Melissa closes the wall and we open our eyes. “That is quite an experience” I say. She agrees and we talk about her discovery for a while.

After everyone else has arrived we have a great time together. We talk, we laugh, we eat, we relax. Ethan makes everyone laugh like only a kid can with stories and goofing around.
That evening when Ethan is in bed we sit outside by the fire and talk about the discovery Melissa made. We have all seen it and none of us has a clue as to what it could be. At one point I ask her if it is not dangerous to have something unknown in the house. We all start to agree that it might be dangerous and maybe it is not good for Ethan to be around it. After all if you can’t look at it, how well will Ethan listen to being told he should not. And what happens if you look? At that point one of the standing lamps falls down, taking some cables with it and creating loads of sparks from hot wires. I launch at the thing, find the button to turn it off and click it. The danger has passed.  “What the hell has just happened?” Rafael wonders. Before we can respond however the lamp gets turned on again. “How is this possible, you just clicked the button did you not?” Vivian asks, “I did!” None of us know what tot think of this, but we all agree it is creepy.  Patrick clicks the button once more and the lamp stops emitting sparks. We decide to go into the house.

We all think the same. Do not talk about how strange this is, gather your things and LEAVE THE HOUSE. So we all start gathering our stuff while talking about nonthreatening things like the weather. The house feels different now. The feeling of serenity has been taken over by the earie feeling of being watched from the shadows. While getting ready to leave we hear footsteps on the stairs. Ethan is standing there, tears in his eyes. “Are we leaving mummy? He does not want us to leave, we have to stay.” Now we know for sure none of us want to stay here a minute longer. Melissa grabs Ethan around the waist, we take wat we have at hand and we walk out of the door like he whole place is on fire. Light starts flickering, loud music starts playing, the whole house has just come to life. Outside I decide to call the police, but right before I press the button to light up my screen Rafael says: “You have been charging you phone in there have you not?” All of us look around, trying to figure what the others are thinking. I press the button, there is only static visible, a feeling of doom spreads through my body………

And at that point I woke up. I can tell you, the feeling of doom lingered even when I awoke. I tried hard not to think about anything, so I could remember as much as possible to share with you. I started out typing key words, so I could not forget the mayor points of the dream and I think it is typed up quite accurate, but putting on paper what I saw in my dreams is not easy, because the details leave my mind so soon. Still I hope you enjoyed my dream. Maybe you can figure out its meaning, if it has one. I am terrible at that kind of thing. I blame it on the books I read, the shows I watched and the alcohol I drank at a party yesterday (and no, I was not drunk, three glasses of red wine on an entire evening and enough food throughout the day). There is only one thing on my mind right now, I hope I don’t get trapped inside that house ever again, because it gave me the creeps.

Love
Dreamer

Loss

At times I feel guilty for not crying. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

Remember Bambi? The moment his mother gets shot. I cried, as did loads of other people. Same when Mufasa died. And ET, the moment he got sick and later when he went home, I was crying like crazy. As soon as a movie or series gets a little emotional I get a lot emotional.
Sometimes I even get emotional over nothing at all. It probably happens when there are a lot of emotions inside of me I am not really aware of, but it can be quite awkward. You are watching a comedy, someone walks into a lamppost, everyone is laughing, I am crying.

This happens to me quite often, but I try my best not to show this when there are people around. It does not feel very comfortable to cry when people see you. I guess you can relate to that. The blotches that you get on your face and the strange angles your lips, nose and eyes can get when you really lose yourself in crying.

Not too long ago I lost someone dear to me. It was the second time I lost someone very close to me. Not close like friend close, close like family close. I had lost uncles and aunts and sorts, but this was living in the same house close. Now if I can cry when someone hits a lamppost then I should be able to cry when I lose someone close to me right?

Wrong. I do not know why, but crying over the loss just does not happen like I thought it would. I cried at the funeral and the days leading up to the funeral, but with both losses I blanked more than I cried.

At times I feel guilty for not crying. Did I not love them enough to grieve over them? I tell you, I know I did. Still do. They meant the world to me, but crying is a rare thing that happens when I think about them. Most of the times it feels empty of like they never left. Next time I go over to their houses they will be there. I know they won’t be, but it does not feel like they are gone. Is that why I cry so little.

It took me two whole years to somewhat understand the first loss. Will it take as long for the recent one? I surely hope not, because I doubt it is healthy, but it is what it is.
I told myself to show how I feel, even when I am in public, and I do when it comes to these losses, it is just…. It seems like I do not feel.

How did I come to writing this? This weekend I broke down a little over the last loss. It took about ten minutes. The first three were intense, then it quickly subsided. It felt good to break a little, it felt human. In typing this I found an answer I did not find earlier in asking myself if I am just a heartless human being. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

I have known I have a heart from the moment I wondered why there is little emotion. Now I know. It is not the fact that I don’t love them. The emptiness I feel is there because when they died they took a piece of my heart. Not big enough to leave me heartless, but big enough for them to always have a place to stay. I get the piece they took back when I join them. I feel so much love and pride for them, that the tears that are certainly there will always be followed by a smile. My mind is ahead of my tears and starts smiling when I think of them, rather than crying.

Maybe I live through it as if being a small child. The little ones grieved, but had this great ability to bounce. The day of the loss one of them came to me and told me that his grandpa died, he was a little star now. There we are, back at the Lion King where Mufasa tells SIma that the great Kings of the past look down on us from those stars and will always be there to guide us.

I know there will certainly be times when I shall cry, but those times will be few. The love I feel for them however, will be there all the time…. Forever.

 

Love
Dreamer

Weird

Sometimes it is just too much, the feeling of being different.
They are the ones missing out, not me.

Sometimes it is just too much, the feeling of being different. Most of the time I am OK with it, but sometimes I am not. It feels like I have been a misfit my entire life. Most of the times it is ok now, but there will always be people that make you feel like you do not belong, you should not be there.

What is it with these people? Why is it so bad for me to be different. Not different in a physical way (at least not that I am aware of), but in a mental one. If you think I have a disability, no, not that I am aware of and never diagnosed. I am just different.

I have never found out why people react to me the way they do, but it has been like this for ever. People who do not really know me think I am weird and people who do get to know me either appreciate my weirdness or run like hell, as if they do not want to catch whatever it is I have.

Even though I am officially an adult, I never completely go with acting like one, at least not always. If I have to for work or anything I can, but most of the time I do not. I like showing what I feel, I like including everyone instead of just  a couple of people, because they belong to this group and not the other.

Why is it people want everyone to fit inside a description? Why can we not be who we are without the world thinking we have a screw loose (or as a quote on the internet says: “I do not have a screw loose, it fell out). I do not want to be like everyone else, and even if I did, I do not know how, because this is who I am. I like to like  everyone (even people who annoy me), I like to give people a second, third or even a fourth chance.

Is that why people react to me like I am a disease? I know, most people do not act like that. At least not to my face, but sometimes you hear people talk when they think you are not there or cannot hear what they are saying. To be honest, it is pretty devastating. I try not to let it get to me, knowing I am who I am and I want to keep faith in everyone, but that is difficult sometimes.

Is it fear, jealousy, the feeling that you are above someone else? What is it? Why am I weird, not accepted the way that I am. As far as I know, I never purposefully hurt anyone if I could avoid it. I accept people the way they are, because it was taught to me by my parents. We can all be who we are and make the world a colourful place.

Well I tell you, sometimes I want to fit in with the crowd, not stand out because I am colourful. At those times  I hate who I am and I strongly wish not to be. Then I start thinking about things that are beautiful because of those colours.

People with a colourful soul attract other colourful souls.  I know I have. When put together we make a beautiful painting. We enjoy thing so much more intense because of the colours we bring and see. I should not feel sorry for myself for being weird. I should feel sorry for people who cannot see past the walls that have been put up by society. They are the ones missing out, not me. I hope I will never cease to make a beautiful painting instead of just shades.

 

Love
Dreamer

Cheating

I have never ever cheated in my life (unbelievable, I know, but true). ..Then why do I have the feeling I cheated?…here I go, correcting my cheat.

I have never ever cheated in my life (unbelievable, I know, but true). The one time I tried was because a teacher told me to and I did not go through with it because everyone in class told me not to forget to cheat when we sat down for our test. Weird right, for a teacher to tell you to cheat. The reason my teacher said I should try and cheat in his class? I never got a passing grade for his subject (a language, you had to take the subject for a year before you could drop it). He promised us a treat if everyone got a good grade (sorry everyone, again no treat because of me) and he felt sorry for me, so he said, ‘cheat without me knowing about it’. Nice man. I made a little note for in my pencil case and the others noticed me making it, so the blew it by making fun of me while the teacher could hear, so again no treat for them. They never got one while taking the subject with me and I feel good about it, because I did not cheat. I just do not like cheating!

Then why do I have the feeling I cheated?  I feel like I cheated a couple of days ago, I cheated Campervan Man out of some good answers. He just got the short version, not the explanation. So let me correct that please, and I will make a change if you do not mind, because afterward I thought, nope, you are wrong about your favourite word. So here I go, correcting my cheat.

  1. I love beaches, because you can enjoy them without having to do a workout. I like doing as little as possible when away from home. I do like a good mountain view, but only if I can drive up there. And beaches have this romantic feeling, walking along the water’s edge with the person you love while the sun is setting. Building sandcastles, or in my case sand mountains, because I am just not any good at castles.
  2. Now I said Love, because this feeling can conquer a lot of things, but after even more careful consideration it is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Wow, Word actually recognises the word!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not believe that! And I have just given away how I make less mistakes than I would have on my own in writing English. But there it is, Mary Poppins tells you why it is such a good word. When I feel bad, this word actually makes me feel better. Not many words can. The word love itself will not do that, the emotion/feeling will, so there, that is why I changed words (and cheated in that way, I am soooooooo sorry)
  3. I do not need to change this answer, there is nothing to ad. It says it all. The best place to be in the whole world is home, because everyone I love is there. Home is where your hart is, so home I an elusive answer, but it is the right one for me.
  4. I would invite Curt Mega and Jon Cozart to dinner. There are a whole lot more of those guys I would like to be there, but I had to choose, and it was difficult. I picked two of the bunch that I know of their single works on YouTube. I love their things and I would like to talk to them, so why not while eating a nice meal. I think it would be a nice long diner with a lot to talk and laugh about.
  5. I would rather fight 1 lion sized hamster, because at least you can keep an eye on that thing, if it were 100 hamster sized lions they could attack from all sides. I think I would get killed either way though. I am a useless fighter, trust me I had that tested once. A man wanted me to come home and do the nasty, but I told him no. Words did not work, so in panic I elbowed him in the chest with everything I had (we were both seated on a park bench) and all he could do was look at me and say, what, you do not like the idea (it did not hurt him one little bit) HELP!!! I just stayed in the park were people could see us until he left and went home the very long way, just in case.

There, I hope I made up for cheating the first time around. I am sort of glad I have cheated the first time around, because of the length of both posts. This one has become quite a long one again, as was the other one.

Hope you enjoyed this.

Love
Dreamer