Am I actually doing this?

Am I actually doing this?
This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears?

No really, am I?

I changed choirs, so no I sing rock music instead of musical and I got an e-mail that I can go do the course I told you about . I even actually applied for a job I could do with that course! (hope I did not jinx it)

Am I going crazy? Cold sweat is gathering people, loads of it.

Here I am, past my thirties, a great partner, a house to pay for, a job (even though it is a temp job, I am on contract by the agency, so reasonably safe) and bills to pay.
All of a sudden I decide to step off the path. AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!!

I admire people who take risks, but let’s be honest: I am not one to do so.
At least I never was. Safety has always been the choice for me. This is all so exciting but sooooooooo frightening at the same time.

Since I decided to step of the path I have been doubting. I mean, the path I was walking on was safe. Someone found a path through life, smoothed it, even made sure there is asphalt on it for my convenience and made sure I would not encounter danger I could not handle and wat do I do?
I wander of the path. I decide to get into the woods (hopefully not like the musical, because I don’t want people to die because of the wandering I do).

This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears (yep another musical)?
Will I be able to fight them off? I am pretty sure I will lose if I pick a fight with them though.

Really girl, get a grip!!!! So what if I encounter anything new. The first thing to try is making friends with it if it is alive. I can decide what to do other than that when it does not want to be friends. The path I was on may have brought me to my death safely, but with my partner at my side every path is a path I can take! Who knows, maybe I will find my El Dorado 😀

And yes, I realise that it sound like I think I could never be happy or go anywhere without my partner. I know I can get there on my own, I would have the strength to survive and find my way, but let’s be honest. It is more fun if you have someone by your side even though they are capable of driving you crazy. Maybe it is because of the capability to drive you crazy, I don’t know. The only thing I know is that at this moment I want to spend the rest of my life with them, and as far as I know that is mutual.

As far as the crazy parts in this blog, the getting of the path and crazy driving partner….
Life would be dull without crazy, so I think I am on the right path. A scary one……. But the right one. Let’s start the adventure!

Love dreamer

Career change?

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. I have found I choir in my city to join and I told people at my current choir I would stop singing there.
Yes current choir, because they have a ‘show’ next weekend, where I will sing my song one last time so they won’t have to rearrange everything, but it will be the last for me with them.

My ego got a boost, because they told me they would rather not see me go and I almost let myself be talked out of leaving, but I have to…. Don’t I?
Yes I do, I am sure of it, the more I think, the more I know it is what I have to do.

So that change will happen. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.
Well no, not really last week, I knew this is what I want since I had to decide my career, but it was too expensive. Now I will try and go ahead with the choice I made then.

I decided to get a diploma to get a job at a funeral parlour.
I know it sounds creepy, but my idea behind it is that you can make a difference for the people that have to deal with a loss.

Sure it won’t be a sunshine job, but I have lost people over the last few years that where close and their funerals where an important part off the closure.
I want to help people like that, even if they don’t know I am the one helping.
No spotlight, just work.

Maybe I am crazy, but still I have wanted this for years. There is a course to get a diploma in it, so that is my start. I signed up for it. Now I have to wait for a yes from them and then I will be able to walk a step further. I hope my steps will lead me to where I want to be. I don’t doubt that you will get to read about this journey through my blog 😀

I am so glad I have taken the first step, and I almost thought it would not happen, or cost my relationship.
When I learned about the course I told my partner, to discuss the cost and all (after all we both need to agree to expenses) and instead of the “go for it!” I got the  “are you sure?”. My partner doubts, and not because of the money, but because of the hours. They will become irregular if I find a job doing this. I don’t mind, but I get the hesitation.

My partner needed time to think, so I waited…. Waiting is not that easy, your mind takes control and all of a sudden it started to wander, what if they say no, I don’t want you to pursue that career? Would that mean I had to choose between being happy with the person I love and the job I wanted for so long? Cold sweat.
Luckily he said yes, go get your diploma, and so I send the e-mail to make my interest known and now I am awaiting a response to tell me I can or can’t participate.
Keep your fingers crossed please.

Love dreamer

Showing your heart

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. Who would have thought singing could do this!

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. It started in a train on my way home with a colleague. We were talking about things we like/love to do. Remember I told you before (even though people who do not know me well enough might not agree) that I am very self-conscious and always afraid to make a fool of myself without intending to. I told my colleague I dreamed of being an actress/musical star when I was younger, but fear kept me from pursuing that dream.

As we talked he asked me what I wanted to do most, acting or singing. I told him it did not matter and that is how things changed. He was part of an orchestra that was about to put on a show, and for this show they needed a choir. He asked me to come along for his meeting with a choir they asked to be a part of this and I agreed. He cancelled on coming along just before we were supposed to meet at the rehearsal of this choir and I ended up going there on my own.

I felt so sick when entering the building, shaking hands with one of the members and sitting down to talk to her about this choir and the fact that I could try out and become a part of it. I wanted to turn around and run, but I didn’t.
The other members started arriving and gave me such a warm welcome (yet cold sweat was still an issue for me) that I went through with the rehearsal. I joked about being there to get them to sing off key, but it went rather well. I felt so good afterward!!!

Who would have thought singing could do this! I sang at home, where no-one could hear me, safe. Then some years before I took this step, some dear friends of mine got me to sing along with one of these singing games (my first time not singing at home or school) and I loved those, but this…. It is so much different if you sing as part of a whole I cannot describe the feeling.

It felt good to be a part of this group of people, and I learned a lot with them, but being self-confident was not one of those things. Most people in there are so good I felt small and I relied on others instead of myself. Plus I figured I wanted to act as well as sing, so I said my goodbyes to these wonderful people and left to find a group that acted as well.

I found such a group, not in my city, but near. They made me feel welcome as well and it felt good becoming a part of them. They were preparing for a play and I became part of it. I started to feel more and more confident about my singing and had lots of fun. Some people left the group and one of those people sang a couple of songs that were important for the play. Those songs needed new singers and one of those songs is very dear to me, because of my father. There was to be an audition for who would sing it.

Back at my first choir I had auditioned, but afterward I felt sooooooo bad, I said I would never do that again. For this song at my new choir I reconsidered an auditioned. And guess what I got to sing the song!!!!!

A couple of months have passed since the play took place, and I truly loved it and the people I sing with, but…
I feel more and more reluctant at going there, so I have to decide, do I stay at the choir (I have been to three rehearsals since the beginning of this year) or do I stop there.

Today I reached a decision, and they don’t know this yet, but I have decided to stop singing there. My partner told me I need my relaxation and knows choir brings that for me, so he did not agree, until I told him that I will go on singing, but in our own town. I’ll find another choir, stop thinking about the acting (this choir was still more of a choir than a musical group) and be content with singing.

I may not be the best singer (I need training, but that takes money), but I enjoy it, so I will keep doing this. Singing (acting) is showing people your heart. It took me a long time before I had the courage to do this, but I don’t want to shut it away again, so new choir, here I come!!!!

Love dreamer