Loss

At times I feel guilty for not crying. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

Remember Bambi? The moment his mother gets shot. I cried, as did loads of other people. Same when Mufasa died. And ET, the moment he got sick and later when he went home, I was crying like crazy. As soon as a movie or series gets a little emotional I get a lot emotional.
Sometimes I even get emotional over nothing at all. It probably happens when there are a lot of emotions inside of me I am not really aware of, but it can be quite awkward. You are watching a comedy, someone walks into a lamppost, everyone is laughing, I am crying.

This happens to me quite often, but I try my best not to show this when there are people around. It does not feel very comfortable to cry when people see you. I guess you can relate to that. The blotches that you get on your face and the strange angles your lips, nose and eyes can get when you really lose yourself in crying.

Not too long ago I lost someone dear to me. It was the second time I lost someone very close to me. Not close like friend close, close like family close. I had lost uncles and aunts and sorts, but this was living in the same house close. Now if I can cry when someone hits a lamppost then I should be able to cry when I lose someone close to me right?

Wrong. I do not know why, but crying over the loss just does not happen like I thought it would. I cried at the funeral and the days leading up to the funeral, but with both losses I blanked more than I cried.

At times I feel guilty for not crying. Did I not love them enough to grieve over them? I tell you, I know I did. Still do. They meant the world to me, but crying is a rare thing that happens when I think about them. Most of the times it feels empty of like they never left. Next time I go over to their houses they will be there. I know they won’t be, but it does not feel like they are gone. Is that why I cry so little.

It took me two whole years to somewhat understand the first loss. Will it take as long for the recent one? I surely hope not, because I doubt it is healthy, but it is what it is.
I told myself to show how I feel, even when I am in public, and I do when it comes to these losses, it is just…. It seems like I do not feel.

How did I come to writing this? This weekend I broke down a little over the last loss. It took about ten minutes. The first three were intense, then it quickly subsided. It felt good to break a little, it felt human. In typing this I found an answer I did not find earlier in asking myself if I am just a heartless human being. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

I have known I have a heart from the moment I wondered why there is little emotion. Now I know. It is not the fact that I don’t love them. The emptiness I feel is there because when they died they took a piece of my heart. Not big enough to leave me heartless, but big enough for them to always have a place to stay. I get the piece they took back when I join them. I feel so much love and pride for them, that the tears that are certainly there will always be followed by a smile. My mind is ahead of my tears and starts smiling when I think of them, rather than crying.

Maybe I live through it as if being a small child. The little ones grieved, but had this great ability to bounce. The day of the loss one of them came to me and told me that his grandpa died, he was a little star now. There we are, back at the Lion King where Mufasa tells SIma that the great Kings of the past look down on us from those stars and will always be there to guide us.

I know there will certainly be times when I shall cry, but those times will be few. The love I feel for them however, will be there all the time…. Forever.

 

Love
Dreamer