I’m back

Hello, I know I’ve been absent for a while. Couldn’t find anything to write about at first, then I just got lazy. Why make time to write if I could binge watch after work or on my days of. When 2020 ended I told myself I would write weekly blogs again, but didn’t make the time. Right now I have the time, but not for a good reason.

If you want to stop reading now, I can understand, because this is gonna be a bummer. I have to air some feelings though. This blog started as a diary, and negative feelings belong there as well. So
you still have a choice, read on or end with the positive note I’ll leave you now. Even in the darkest night there are stars, wether you can see them or not.

On to the reason I’ve got time to write. My mother has been battling cancer over the last year. At first just in her lungs, but it spread to her bones. She’s been going through chemo and immune therapy. It has been tough on her, but she’s a fighter. She has been very careful, afraid to get infected with covid 19, but it found her anyway. And it found her in the week she was most vulnerable after chemo.

At this moment I’m in the hospital with my mum. All done up in protective clothing at a distance. She’s fighting for her life, tired because her body has been through so much already. She asked if one of us could stay the night. With the necessary precautions it should be safe and possible, so here I am. It sucks.

To see someone you love fight with everything they have and them asking you to please don’t think less of them if they can’t fight anymore. She asked me face to face if I could handle it if she would die while I am with her. I’ll be honest with you… I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want her to suffer. I’ll stand by her no matter what, because how could I live with myself if I wouldn’t.

My mum’s a fighter, all I can do is stand on the sideline and be there for her as much as possible. I will, I’ll be her cheerleader all the way, no matter what, because after all, that’s what she has been doing for me ever since I was born, be there for me. I’ve got you back mum, and so do the others


p.s. I’m sad to say she didn’t win from Covid19. She fought as hard as she could, but her body just couldn’t hold on. She’ll be missed. I might not be able to touch her anymore, but I know her spirit will always be with us.

Changing directions

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.
I decided then and there it is time to change.

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.

The company I work for doe soooooooooo much to help the people that work there grow!
Since I work here (about half a year) I have been to six events organized by the company and four of them where actually based on growing as a person! On one of the occasions there even was a professional photographer to take pictures you can use as profile pictures!

Last Tuesday I had a workshop to find out if I am on the right track. I figured it would entail hearing if you are still right for the company, but man was I wrong!
We worked on finding out who we are, if we are doing the thing that makes us feel good and what we need in the changing society in order to stay on top of thing, with or without the company we are working for.

We got a chance to listen to each other, and help to find ways to reach goals. It was that workshop that helped me figure out I have been relying on safety where it can’t be necessarily found. From the moment the workshop had started I knew, this would be a mirror I needed. Every aspect of it talked about changes. How the world changed over the years. Think about it…. The year 2000, what where you doing? What was hot at that time? Your phone, what did it look like? (I had a yellow phone that could make calls and send text messages. I could even send pixel pictures, no photos. It was a pre-payed device.) For fun, go on the internet, and look at the news of that year.

So changes. We got shown YouTube clips that talked about change. One of those showed penguins. It had subtitles that said we all walk a much walked path, but there is always a first person to want to try another. If there are enough people willing to follow the first (most of the times after he/she has been declared the biggest fool alive) a new path has been made and will be followed until the next individual gets the idea to try something new.
That is how things work.
I am the follow the path kind of person. Afraid to go off alone. What if there are monsters to eat me!

The last thing we got shown was a picture of a lot of birds on a branch. I think you will all know it. It states that birds are not afraid of the branch breaking, because they trust their wings.
I don’t trust my wings, so I put my trust in the branch. I never thought about the things that can happen to it. I picked a sturdy one to sit on, not a flimsy thing on the side of the tree!
But what if there is a fire, or a storm or something? I never thought about it. I wonder if I am the only one stupid enough not to  trust myself.
Correction, not stupid enough. I am insecure as hell.

I decided then and there it is time to change. I have been through about a third of my life if I am lucky enough. You are never too old to learn, so you sure as hell are not too old to change, if you really want to. And I do.

So I am going to try and become a volunteer in the field of work I wanted to work in since I was a teenager (but could not afford the study). I have already heard I should not go for the study until I find work, so why start with work? Start as a volunteer, create a network, show my worth


Love dreamer


I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

Ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks? I don’t have anything against anyone and handicap or not, it does not matter to me, I can be  friends with you if you want to and let me. I definitely try not to make a difference between whoever I meet (handicap, skin colour, accent, financial state, sexual preference, anything) because we are all people.

I say try, because I am human to and sometimes not wanting to make a difference means you have to go against instinct. All of us have ideas drilled in from places like home, school, our friends. Those ideas sometimes make that you are afraid of others or think they are weird of anything. I try to give everyone a fair chance and most of the times I succeed.

I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

We all use the quality’s  we have to help us along in life, so if you have a handicap and you can take advantage of it without hurting anyone, do it! You would be a fool not to, because so many people do it as well. But do not think you deserve special treatment because of your handicap, other than medical based. You are a person just as all the others.

Why this? Well I’ve been to a concert last weekend. I had a blast, until I had a wheelchair up at my legs.
This event did not have seats and did not have an area for wheelchairs. I think that is a huge flaw from the organisation, but nothing to be helped at that moment. I did not go alone, there were several of us there, one of them actually in a wheel chair. He had done his research and knew there was no special place for him, so he saw the concert from the side of the stage near the railings that they put up in front of it. The place opened long before the real concert started and there was a lot of space to get near the stage, even for wheelchairs.
There was this young man in such a vehicle that stayed well in the back of the room, but when the concert started he started to move forward. Inch by inch he crept nearer. I was dancing, having a blast, until my room to move was cut off by this metal contraption. (It was a big chair, not the sports type, but the type that does everything for you, it even went up, so the guys eyes where at the same height as most peoples!) Quite a thing it was, and it was pressing at my legs, so I moved a bit to the side, things can happen, he would not do it on purpose right. No he would not. So I had stepped aside (enough room to move after all) and he kept creeping forward!!! Intentionally inching to peoples legs, making them step aside so he would have an even better view!!!!!!

I decided to not let it bother me and enjoy the concert. When he was right beside me I even tried to made a friendly eye contact. Both he and the woman he was with looked at me like I should have dropped dead at the spot. I still feel icy if I think of those looks. And afterward I heard a lot of people complain about this guy and his bulldozer chair.

But that said and my heart cleared. The concert was great (it was golden earring) and I had a blast.
It was a well-blended audience of old and young. The band was great. Everyone was wearing sneakers and comfortable clothing, but not me!!!!! If I go out I want to look the part, so I had put on a dress and the same high heels I wore at New Year’s Eve. You should have seen the look on the faces of some people :D. This was obviously one of the reasons for me to move aside for the bulldozer. Imagine that thing getting on you bare toes!  The horror! Near the end of the concert we went and stood on the side, where our friend in his chair had been. Some girls noticed my heels, I tell you, the missed the encore because they were too busy looking, pointing and whispering. No way someone could have done a concert in these heels!!!! I have, and enjoyed the whole thing, with or without bulldozer.

Love dreamer

P.S. I know I can’t draw, it is the idea that counts 😀

Feeling comfortable

I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true!

So last night before I fell asleep a thought crossed my mind. I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true! I mean it is, but not completely.

Yes, I feel comfortable in ‘letting one rip’ when I am with my partner, I feel comfortable in being my silly self around them, even if my partner doesn’t always feel comfortable when I am being my silly self. Complete picture, yes… I feel safe, comfortable and happy as one can be, but……

When lying in bed I discovered true love is willing to be uncomfortable for the one you love.
I love to fall asleep in the arms of my partner, not comfortable for them, but it means the world to me, so I fall asleep in their arms and when I am soundly of to the land of dreams (trust me I visit there regularly and it is such a strange place!) my partner rolls me into a comfortable position for the both of us.

Last night I could not fall asleep as easily as I am used to, so I tossed and turned. I found myself constantly wanting to make contact. Just touching skin or anything, feeling that you are both in the same bed. In doing so I found a position that did not disturb my partners sleep and made me feel safe and warm, but not all to comfortable. As a matter of fact, I still feel the crick in my neck now that I have woken up to go to work. My partner turned while asleep, so it became even more uncomfortable, because a very important thing called oxygen became difficult to get in my lungs. Difficult, not impossible, so as long as I could breathe I did not mind being this uncomfortable. Eventually I even fell asleep, so…….

Conclusion, you know when you belong together when you feel comfortable in being you and are willing to be uncomfortable just to be a little bit closer to each other.

Love dreamer

A new Year

Let me start of by wishing all of you a super new year, where you may get everything that is good for you.

Let me start of by wishing all of you a super new year, where you may get everything that is good for you. Not everything you WANT, but everything that is GOOD for you. Sometimes we want things that could be bad for us without knowing, so that is why this nuance.

Sorry for being away for so long, first there was no inspiration and then there was little time, but here I am again, trying to post something every week.

So we have arrived in 2018, welcome all. I love December, but the month has one thing I can’t stand. Fireworks.
To be more specific, me standing outside when people are using fireworks.

I love looking at it when I am safely behind glass, but I am terrified of the stuff. Why? No clue. I can’t remember ever seeing it go horribly wrong when people used it, I just fear fireworks. Luckily I survived, and the neighbours have some new fun memories to look back on.

My partner and I, we went to some family of mine to celebrate New Year’s Eve, so we had to drive there. During the day the children in our street were already playing with some firecrackers, yay. As we planned to leave we wanted to inform our next-door neighbour we were about to leave and would not be home for the night. As soon as I opened the door one of the children threw a lit firecracker and BANG. I ran back behind the door and told my partner we would not be informing the neighbours together. My partner rang their doorbell, while I stood behind our door. I waited for about two minutes, informed if the doors of the car where open so I could get in and sprinted to the car when I heard ‘yes they are’.

This is funny because I was wearing high heels (stiletto stile), a dress and taking about three things along to the car. A beauty case, a bag full of stuff to eat and drink in the car and a shoulder bag I always carry with me. O and my jacket, just in case I needed it later in the day. Can you imagine the sight? I threw everything in the car as fast as I could and flung myself after it in order to close the door behind me as soon as humanly possible.
I guess I must have looked funny as hell to everyone in the street.

After arriving at our destination we had a terrific evening, the fireworks I saw from behind the window were beautiful and before we knew it 2017 was gone and 2018 arrived. Welcome to this new year, may it be a good one for all of us.

Love dreamer