So way back in 2007 I wrote a story. I swear to you that I didn’t have a clue as to what was going to happen. Every time my pen hit the paper (yes you are reading it correctly, pen and paper, no typing) I was as curious as to what was going to happen as anyone else can be when first reading this. So in my last post I opted that this might be the post for today and guess what. In advance sorry for the long post, but I hope you enjoy the story.
It is Sunday, but the day doesn’t do its name justice. It was rainy outside, many people will be gloomy because of this weather.
I am still in bed. The warmth is comforting and I don’t really want to wake up yet. I open my eyes slowly and put on my glasses. I am immediately aware something is wrong. This is not my room. My room is small and messy, because I try to get as much as I can into it, but don’t put things back where they belong after I use them. This room on the other hand…. Wow. It is as big as a ballroom and the bed I am in is right in the middle against the long wall.
It isn’t just any bed I see. It is a four-poster like the ones I only know from fairy tales. I would put a princess in this bed, not me. To my left there is a mirror desk against the short wall. From the bed I can make out there is a lot of stuff on it. I really want to check things out, but I am a bit afraid. To my right there are double doors in the short wall. A while away from it there are three luxurious cushions to sit on.
Right across of me there are also double doors. Where would those doors lead to for havens sake?
The whole room has an aubergine/crème colour-scheme. I find it very tasteful, exactly like I would have done it. I wonder how I got here though, and where the heck is here!
I get pulled from my thought by a knock on the door. What should I do? After all, I don’t belong here, even though it feels familiar for some reason. I also don’t know who is knocking, for all I know it could be a creepy figure with ill intent. Yet I hesitate, because I would like to meet a friendly person…
Before I know what I want the door opens and a beautiful lady walks in. She has beautiful dark hair, beautifully done-up, through which her face is clearly visible. Her eyes radiate pure love and her presence seems to envelop me in a blanket of serenity. All cares and all questions fall away from me. I know things are right. I see the woman is speaking to me, but I can’t hear the words. This bothers me, but the moment I feel bothered the feeling ebbs away to be replaced by warmth. I don’t have a clue as to where this warmth is coming from, but it is not important to me. Weird.
The woman has walked to the other doors and gestures me to follow her, something I do without thinking. As soon as I join her she opens the doors. To my surprise I see it is an enormous wardrobe. In the back of it is a mirror in which I see myself. What a beautiful gown I am wearing. It is shining like silk and a soft blue. All edges have slight lacework, not unpleasant. I look down to see if I am actually wearing it. Yes I am… this is as weird as everything else, so why am I staying this calm? Am I dreaming? That has to be the answer. It is a beautiful dream, so I decide to go with it.
I look at the woman. Without speech, but with gestures she lets me know I can change clothes and closes the doors while leaving the room. I decide to take a look at the clothing available and to my joy I discover that everything in there is completely to my taste. There is so much to choose from, yet choosing isn’t hard because in the middle of the room is a stool with such a fine set of clothes I am sold immediately. Black jeans with rhinestones around the pockets and at the bottom of the tapered legs. On top I would wear a pale pink blouse without print or anything. The shoes a black leather. Elegant round noses and a light garland crossing it from the outside at the nose to the inside of the ankle. As soon as I am done, the woman opens the door again and gestures me to follow her. She walks to the other end of the room. As I am following I realise the only thing obvious about her is her head. The rest of here is a haze, jet I feel like I am dealing with a slim, elegant woman. I have the feeling I know her, but before I build up the courage to ask her about it she turns around. She gestures to some jewellery.
To my surprise there are thing here that belong to my personal favourites. My own wristwatch, the two rings I always wear (one for friendship and one for the family ties it has to my mother and through it to my grandma), the necklace two friends and I had made after school to symbolize our bond, the silver earrings my sister in law and her husband had given me for my birthday and the bracelet my boyfriend had given me, but which I had lost a while back. I put on the jewellery, thankful for the fact they are the ones in my jewellery case that are most dear to me.
The woman walks to the doors that are straight across the bed. I follow her. We end up in a huge hall. The only thing in it is a marvellous fountain in the middle. A huge, round, white room that would feel cold if it wouldn’t be for the fountain. The fountain however is an impression of nature, with beautiful landscapes chipped out of stone together with the splatter of water gives the room warmth and tranquillity. The whole wall is covered with white doors, but it isn’t obvious where the exit is. As soon as I look at the woman I know she is inviting me to take a look behind every door, starting on the left. She does not have to speak, I feel her intentions, and she feels mine, because before I say one word she seems to understand my thoughts.
I walk to the first door and open it. Strangely I enter some sort of café. I walk away from the door a bit. Inside there is a cosy crowd. Amidst the hustle a little girl wanders. She feels familiar, just like this place, even though I have never been here. I am so focused on the child I only notice the woman that walked toward her when she lifted her up. I know this woman to! At that pint the recognitions goes further than before. The woman standing there is my mum, I am sure of it. This knowing is strengthened when I see my dad appearing behind the counter. They are much younger, but still clearly recognisable. At once the question arises: who is the little girl, but I instinctively know the answer. It is me. The warmth I receive from my parents is overwhelming. I notice they receive double the warmth they are giving to everyone. I slowly move back to the door. This place feels terrific, but I have seen what I have to see. The next room awaits me.
The woman that has guided me up to now is nowhere to be seen. I regret that, but I know she will be there if I need her. Behind the next door I find a huge living room. It does not have one style, but is a combination of a lounge/bar/living room. In this room my whole family has collected. I don’t know everyone, yet I instinctively know the family ties. This room gives me the feeling of power, as if I build a foundation that will hold the heaviest building because of this family. The foundation has this strength because of the fact that the flaws are clearly visible, but they are accommodated by the strong points. This room has also showed me what I needed to see. My foundation is a good one.
I hesitate at the next door. I don’t know why but this room doesn’t feel right. At that moment a feel a hand on my shoulder. The tranquillity I felt before returns completely. When I turn around I see my guide standing there. Strengthened by her presence I open the door and go in. The woman does not follow me and I realise I have to process the information behind the doors on my own. I walk further in, but after a few steps a feeling of desolation washes over me in such a way I can’t move anymore. Despite of the feeling I can get myself to look around me. I am in a movie theatre, but is completely empty. I desperately wanted to walk away, but I know this emptiness is not the message. It is this empty because I will need this much room to process. I decide to sit down while I await what will happen. After a couple of minutes a movie starts. I am in the lead. I don’t like seeing this movie, because it consists of all horrible moments of my live. The fights I’ve had with friends, parents and other family members, the moments I felt hopeless and the moments I simply did not want to exist. I actually don’t want to finish watching this movie, but I can’t get up, I have to watch. Tears stream down, but I can’t stop. It is like all the pain I locked inside for all these years because I did not want to feel are bursting out of my body right now. At the end of the movie I need least an hour to calm down. I wonder why I had to see these things, like I often wondered why I had to live through it. Slowly an answer is starting to form. I needed to see it to be able to give the things that happened a place the can exist without hurting me. That is what has happened, because the desolation I felt when I entered was gone and replace by relieve.
I also realise I have had more friends than I could remember. Because of all the bad memories from that time, the good memories had been driven to the background. Yet every bad thing that happened in my life has brought something good I realise. I’ve learned something from every situation that helped me in new situations. It has made me stronger as a person. I realise the clear feeling that I am done here, so I start my journey to the next room.
While I leave the movie theatre I see my guide on the other side of the room. I see her smile clearly and feel she is proud of me. With a lighter heart I walk to the next door, but once there I realise here is a lesson to be learned with unpleasant things as well. Because I know the results will be good I manage to build up the courage to enter the room
After a few steps the feeling of happiness leaves me here as well, only this time it is replaced by fear. I don’t need a movie theatre, because al fears flash in jumbled images before me. My fear to lose my family, my fear to lose my boyfriend of the possibility to do the things I love to do. Yet I find my biggest fear is to lose my boyfriend. Why? Are all things inferior or what? No they are not, but my relationship fills up most of my life at the moment. The rest isn’t less important because of it, I am just not as aware of it. Because of the fact my relationship takes up the biggest part of my life, it is only natural my biggest fear lies there as well. That and I know everything else longer. The relationship brings a lot of new things, through which new fears can grow. I am glad I realise this, because I know I don’t have to be afraid because of it. Fear isn’t a bad thing though because fear helped me handle some situations with more care, which is why things worked out. The feeling of fear is replaced by serenity. This room as also been able to teach me a lesson.
How many rooms will follow? I hope I don’t wake up, because I want to experience this dream until the end. While I leave the room I look around the hall. Empty. The fountain is happily gurgling and I notice that it is more colourful every time I leave a room. Next door it is.
Insecure about what it is I will find I reach for the handle. My feeling stays positive, that gives me courage. In seeing the room behind the door my jaw drops in awe. Unbelievable! From the hall I step straight into the forest. I look around me in amazement. No walls in site, just the door I just walked though, other than that just everything is green. Even the sounds are that of nature. I decide to walk on and after a few minutes I even find a pond with ducks swimming delightfully in it. Everything I have seen until now falls into place, gives me room for overview. Will this be the last door? Yes, I am sure of it. There are no more doors to go through for now. The doors I have went through have wrapped up my life to this point short and sweet and here at this place I see the complete picture. The warmth my family gave me, gave me the strength I needed when I had to learn through unpleasant happenings. These happenings in turn helped me crate fears that helped some situations work out because I handled with more caution than I would have used otherwise. Al these things eventually brought me to where I am now.
Even though I don’t always feel happy, those moments of happiness are worth more than anything. I find I have a strong longing for my boyfriend right now, I want to share this feeling of happiness with him so badly.
All of a sudden my guide is there. “Do you see it wasn’t as bad as you thought after all? You opened up past the first impressions and found you know happiness in all the love around you. I knew you could do it and am proud of you.”
I can’t believe it, my guide speaks! I understand her words, like we hear each other in our daily lives! She is smiling because she knows what I am thinking. I want to know who she is, but am afraid to ask. She tells me I know the answer and I know perfectly well this wasn’t a dream either, but an answer to the question on what to do with myself. I have an answer for both questions, because she is right. I know she is my grandma and I know I just need to go on with my live to spread and share my happiness, like I learned from my parents. The warmth I felt every time is love and thanks to this experience I have returned to the basis. Grandma hugs me. I close my eyes in the hopes this moment may last forever. She whispers in my ear: “Tell you mother everything is ok, I don’t blame her for anything and will always love her. You know I will be with you when you need me, you are never alone.” I feel wonderful, like I am floating. When I open my eyes carefully, because I want to see my grandma one more time, she has disappeared. If I look besides me, my boyfriend is lying there. A wave of warmth goes through my body and I decide to cuddle up against him for a while, after all you have to enjoy every wonderful moment.
That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I find it refreshing to ‘read’ it again. My once in a lifetime experience, shared here in public, in hopes it might help you as it helped me.