I froze with fear last night!!!!

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly…

Now that that is out, it makes a good title as well, so I’ll leave it there.

Don’t worry, nothing dangerous happened or anything. No burglar, no fire, no nothing.
I froze with fear because of the most scary thought you can have, at least, I think it is.
Before I tell you my thought I’ll give you another insight in my life, and I think you can guess what it is I feared.

I might like to be on my own and favour a small gathering above a huge one (or even just a bigger one than small), but I have found the person I want to share my life with.
Not just now…. Quite some years ago. Luckily for me, up to now the feeling seems to be mutual (you never know) and I take every day I can to enjoy that love.

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly… No it was not that sudden, it had to do with something we talked about before we went to sleep, but I do not remember quite what it was, just that it triggered this thought. (Imagination I have enough of, but memory, boy I stood waaaaaaaay back in line when that got handed out).

Where was I, right, when suddenly….. I realized this could be gone in a heartbeat. I have seen it happen, people losing the love of their life. It could happen. Just the thought of losing my partner and being left behind….. It completely froze me for a second or two. The chill around my heart was soooooooo….. And all the hairs on my body stood up, and my mind wanted to shut down.

At that point I realised, if this is what I feel with my love next to me, at just the thought of losing them, how do the people I know go on with their lives after the real deal. I mean I’ve seen it real close by, the loss of a love with who lives and homes where shared. The people I know are brave and live their lives with this loss. They are in pain about it I am sure, and their lost loves will always be a part of them and their life, but they live, they go on!!!!!

So here is a shout-out and a super big hug to all those who found the strength of mind and body to live without the person that once made their world revolve. I have got great respect for what you are doing, even if it is said that you have to live your life because you are not the one who died, because a part of you died that day. You can be proud of yourself for finding the strength to go on and I hope you will keep doing so.

If you are reading this and you have lost your love, but don’t know where to get the strength and have (part) given up, I hope you find the strength to go on and make something of the rest of your life, but I won’t judge you if you don’t.

Love dreamer

Sugary drink anyone?

That time of year is there again. You see a bright red truck in every commercial break. You know for sure the end of the year is near. Make every day a special one, we can do it. We can make the world a better place.

That time of year is there again. You see a bright red truck in every commercial break. You know for sure the end of the year is near.

I love this time of year, but why can’t it last all year? Not the trees and lights and presents, no the spirit! For me Christmas is not about presents of anything, it is about being together with people you love. I try to be together with them throughout the year as much as I can (even though as you could have read before I like being on my own a lot as well).

Most people I come across in the streets look so much more cheerful than they do the other months. I wonder if it is just me. Maybe it is something I want to see because of all the movies and commercials that show us how special this time of year is, but a truly think people look happier.

Read carefully here!!! LOOK happier. Maybe they have pretty great masks, who knows. Mine is pretty great. Not many people see what is behind it, so why can’t other people do the same right? But maybe they truly are happier this time of year. I can’t explain why, but I feel better in December, while the rest of the ‘dark’ months are a struggle. Right now everything oozes warmth and I love it. The cheesier the better.

Can December please last forever? Let’s make it happen together. Even without the lights and stuff, be that extra bit cheery to people we don’t know. Smile even if we don’t feel it, because you know what….. if I feel like crap, I smile to everyone I meet. Just smile, that’s all. There are people that look at you like you are planning a murder, but most of them……… smile back! That smile makes me feel better for real, so my smile probably made them feel better to.

I don’t want to tell you not to have or show other feelings, feel free to, feelings are not meant to be kept inside, but when you feel like you could do with warmth, smile. A smile can warm a heart, so smile, even if you don’t feel it right away, because the chain reaction it creates will turn it into a heartfelt one.

Make every day a special one, we can do it. We can make the world a better place. Even if we are with just a few. Don’t think it won’t make a difference, because if you don’t try/do you never know what could have come from it.

Love dreamer

Social?

Sometimes I wonder why I socialize. I doubt it was the last time I wondered why I go out and meet people though…..

Sometimes I wonder why I socialize. This evening was one of the moments.

On my way to friends on a bicycle in the rain I wondered why I always plan to go out and do things.
Don’t get me wrong, I like these people a lot, that is why I want to see them, but cycling through the rain I still wondered.
It was cold and since I wear glasses I could not see where I was going. If you don’t wear those it takes some explaining so let me paint a picture (or at least try).

To see wat I see without glasses you need to take a look at your camera, the moment it is out of focus. You see your surroundings, but it is all a blur. That is what I see if my glasses are off. When on my way to these friends  it was dark/evening, so seeing will be difficult even when wearing glasses. I wanted you to know what I see without so you know taking them off is not an option. Now the rain. It gets on you glasses like they are windows. All lights in the vicinity get blinding at that point. Try looking through a drop of water into the light and you get some sort of orb. So not seeing without glasses and trying to look through light orbs with them on it is always quite an adventure cycling through the rain in the dark. And a dangerous one at that.

So cycling, not seeing too much of where I was going I thought: “Why?” I would have been perfectly happy not going out. Lying on the couch in my pj’s with a nice book or YouTube or something like that.

If I could I would never get out. Meeting people is exhausting most of the time. Even though I get energy from being with my friends, it is the people and surroundings I don’t know that take much more than any of my friends can give. Yet I will get out, because how could I call it living all on my own?

At one point in my life I wanted to be a hermit, my brother laughed and told me I could never be one. I think he had a point, because I am terrified of creepy crawlers and I don’t know anything about taking care of myself by growing my own food and stuff, but it seemed like the most wonderful thing ever. Being on my own, taking care of myself and if I got sick, well I’d better be able to help myself, or I’d die.

Children and their idea’s. I met a great person and lost my heart. There goes the possibility to be alone, because I would not be happy without this person (but if it would make them happy to be without me, I would rather be unhappy than together, because they should be happy).
I have a lot of friends so I am blessed and that is why I go out and socialize. I had a great time tonight, so it was worth it, again. I doubt it was the last time I wondered why I go out and meet people though…..

Love
dreamer