A dream suitable for halloween

So this dream starts out somewhat normal. I am on the phone with friends of mine that are planning to visit us. My partner and I live at my parents’ house (don’t know why) so that’s where my friends need to go. They need directions, so I give the phone to my partner, so they can point them in the right direction. My friends arrive at our location, so we can go on to our home together. In the car I notice something strange with my leg.

There is a piece of white sticking out of my leg. I try to push it back, but don’t trust that will be the right thing to do, so I pry it back out. I fiddle a bit with it. It doesn’t hurt, but it is strange. I can take it out as well as push it in, so I decide to take it out. At this point I tell my friend to drive on to get to the emergency post, because I don’t trust the situation. My friend agrees and drives us there.

Once there we get to the reception desk. A woman takes a look at my leg and says it’s nothing. I don’t agree and ask her if it could be a piece of bone I’m holding. No, it could not, bone looked quite different. She shows me a piece of bone as a comparison. Identical twins couldn’t be more alike than the piece of bone and the thing that came out of my leg, but the woman doesn’t change her answer. It’s not bone and I can go home.

I don’t like the woman and keep pestering her, because the place where I pulled the bone out of my leg has a hole in it. You can see right through my leg, directly to what is behind it. That doesn’t look like nothing to me. Still she says I should just put a bandage on it. As far as she’s concerned I am whining. I decide to ask my friend to call my parents to let them know where we are. A doctor hears me and says she should say we will be there for a while, because I need more help than I am getting up to that point. And so I guess someone helped me, because this is the point where I wake up.

What the “bleep” did I dream? I look at the alarm clock and feel startled, I had forgotten to set it! It was already half past six, I should hurry if I wanted to get to work on time. Then I remember, o wait, it’s Sunday, I can sleep in. I remembered the dream, because of how weird it was. I get sick thinking about how I was playing with my bone. It wasn’t the only bone visible in my leg either. I wonder if I should get up to write it down, but hey, it’s early, I don’t want to get out of bed. This dream was so strange and still so clear in waking up even though I got startled by the time. I figured I would be able to remember until I had time to write it down.

Right now it’s two in the afternoon, I did still remember and I still get sick thinking about playing with my bones. Juck. Jep, this is a dream I need to share. Hope you enjoyed it, even though it was a bit short.


Coming out of the theater in tears

The greatest thing about my theater pass is the fact that I visit shows I would have skipped otherwise. Just before our vacation I saw a show that touched my heart and soul.

I had not heard of Erik Krikke before. Now I own his book “Surviving PTSD & moral injury” and the cd #breakthesilence that goes with it. Why? Because he gave me hope and the idea of a fighting chance against darkness.

Erik Krikke tells the story of his time in Afghanistan, where he was an operating nurse. He talks about the time before he went, his time there and how it was to come home. Behind him is the band 7even bridges. Even though they are not the best singers I’ve ever heard, they are the ones that touched me like never before. The heart you hear in the music is so beautiful.

Right from the start you knew it would be a special evening. Even though Erik tries to keep most darkness from his audience, you feel a bit of the pain and horror. It’s not strange people come away changed. From the moment he talked about his return I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. I started weeping silently, fighting against my tears. Grown men wept openly.

Almost everyone in the audience was touched. For me, many of his feelings hit home. It felt like he was describing my feelings at times, even though our stories are nothing alike. Then I heard a song about stepping into the light and breaking the silence. I knew then and there that was the song to keep me from sinking to far into my depressions. I had to find that song.

The song was played near the end, and I felt the tears flowing. It took everything I had not to break down then and there. I am so grateful this man is still here to tell his story, inspiring people. He might not feel the same, but I perceive a man that made and makes a difference. He said he would come to the bar afterwards, but I didn’t have the strength to stay for that, even though all I wanted to was hug this man. I sprinted out, wanted to get to my bike, because maybe my partner would meet up and ride home with me.

They didn’t. The team they support had been playing and they were talking with a friend, while enjoying a beer. How could they know I was so emotional at that point. I don’t blame them, but I left the theatre none the less, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. All the way home (about 45 minutes) I cried band couldn’t stop. I cried so hard and ugly I couldn’t make a sound, but man did I feel relieved afterwards.

This has truly been the most impressive thing I’ve been to. I secretly hope they will make a video registration of it, because honestly, I’d buy that to. To think that the best evening out ended in tears and still is the best evening out… Wow!

Love dreamer

Parental fibbing

I’ve been brooding on this one for a while, for wen there would be a week without a good dream or adventure. Today I’ll tell you about the ‘innocent’ lies my parents told when I grew up. But I’ll start of with a practical joke my father pulled when I was very young.

As kinds we drank a lot of milk. I still love the stuff. My father drank buttermilk most of the time. As a kid you don’t see the difference, especially when the glass it’s in is still full. One day my father figured it would be fun to switch our glasses, so I to a big gulp thinking I had milk….. It was awful! Let’s finish this by telling you I didn’t wager a glass of milk for a very long time. You never know when butter was put in front of the word.

To get us to confess to things we did or didn’t do my parents had two tricks. The first one…. Whenever we had answered a question, and they had a very strong suspicion we hadn’t told the truth, example, did you brush your teeth, yes (no, I was playing, but I’m not gonna tell you), they told us to lift our bangs. Why? Because when you lie a cross appears on your forehead. When we would say we never saw it we got told only adults could. Of course that was it! Always hide your forehead if you’re not telling the truth!

Sometimes the forehead thing wouldn’t work. This trick was used for bigger stuff, like who used my mum’s paint to enhance the bedroom walls, or deface them, depending on if you were us or our parents. If we wouldn’t talk, and we were tough to crack, I’ll tell you that, my mum told us to get our coats. That’s the point we started sweating! Not our coats, that meant only one thing: we were going to the police department. If we wouldn’t tell her, well than the cops would have to figure things out. The horror!!!!! We didn’t want to be put in jail for our mischief, so the truth would be told in a hurry. Not jail, everything but jail.

Then there was the innocent lie to keep us from picking our noses. They told us things could go horribly wrong if you pick your nose, because if you hit the wrong spot your nose would melt of. Not fast, but slowly, you would lose it. You don’t want to know how many time I put my fingers on my nose to check if the thing was still there. Not just after picking my nose, but many times in between, just to make sure it was still there.

Then there was the fun lie my dad told us. He liked mischief a lot, so he told us not to swallow pits from oranges or mandarins. If we would it could result in a tree in our tummies. Every time I accidentally swallowed one of those pits I got frightened if I had a stomach ache right after. That would be the tree growing. It wouldn’t take long for branches and leaves to come out of my ears and nose!

There might be people thinking: that’s horrible! You don’t frighten a kid like that. Well I’ll tell you those are fond memories for me. My parents did everything they could to give me a terrific childhood. As far as I’m concerned they succeeded

Love dreamer

Vacation information

If you have read last week’s blog you already know I have been abroad. Today will be an update, written in the plane on the way home. There, something to deduct information. We had to fly to get to our destination. Why would you need to deduct? Because I haven’t told you where we’ve been these last nign days. And I don’t think I will. Not directly that is. But maybe the photo and blog will give you enough clues.

So this week my partner and I had joined custody over my phone, because of my clumsiness of last week. It is a strange thing not to have your phone at hand at all times. I had to get used to not being able to get the thing out whenever I wanted. After a while I got used to it though and to be honest it felt good to be free of that addiction. Don’t get me wrong, my partner will have their own phone to use once we get home and from that moment on I’ll be as addicted as ever, but is was a nice break. The upside for me is that every picture taken this vacation, has been taken with my phone, so no nagging needed to get my partner to send me any.

Now, on with other stuff. The day we arrived at our apartment I saw we had a decent swimming pool to use with just a couple of people, so I decided then and there I would swim lanes for half an hour each morning, before we would do anything else. Nobody used it that day, but that didn’t mean anything. So after our first night (the day of the phone disaster) I get in my swimwear, pick up my towel and go outside. Doubt creeps up on me, so I go to the reception desk to make sure it is oke for me to use the pool. It is, but it probably pretty cold. “That’s ok”, I said, and I turned to go for a swim.

The receptionist was right, the water was cold as ice. Leaves and feathers were floating like little boats and the pool was more of a green than the bright blue you normally see in pools, but I got in. Every day I swam at least thirty lanes and three of them I swam up to fifty lanes. I am pretty proud of that fact, because as you should know by now, I am usually lazy as hell. But my partner always says you should do things differently when on vacation and this time I definitely did that. I have been more active in the few days than I normally am in a year. Although I guess that changed a while back, when I joined the gym. O our God! I might become an active person!?!

Back to the swimming. The pool was green because of alge. The moment I got back in the apartment and in the bathroom I started skating like the floor was made of ice. Of course I couldn’t stay upright. I fell, but not to bad. A sore right but cheek even now and two days with a sore shoulder, it could have been worse. If you would take a look at the pool at this moment the spot where I entered the water and the spots where I made my turns are the bright blue the pool should be. Every day the water felt more like ice than the day before, but I kept going, go me!

My partner and I have visited city’s and villages and enjoyed ourselves in doing so walking lots of miles during those visits. One day we actually wanted to go hiking. We followed a trail and then lost the signs, using the phone to get back to the car. At some points it felt like survival, climbing steep hills of stone and sand, sometimes losing our footing and finding it again at the last second. I feel great about the hike, but I am glad we both got back alive. My sister’s first remark on seeing the route: “you hiked a cat!”

We have been to the bookstore that is said to have inspired J.K. to write H.P. beautiful shop, you have to buy a ticket to get into, but I don’t regret going in.

One of our visits was at this beautiful church. It had a trail with small chapels where you could see scenes of Jesus his story. It was breathtaking, so beautiful. Just take a look and if you ever go to Braga, visit Bom Jesus! I will leave you with some photos.

Love dreamer


Cas is a crude translation of a name we have in my language. It stands for clumsy and stupid. Crude because it approximates the name in my language, but doesn’t quite. Today my name should have been Cas. To be honest, it should be most of the times, but today it is painfully true. Why? Let me tell you.

My partner and I are abroad for some well deserved time off. How lovely. It is so nice to be able to relax and see another country while soaking in some sun. Thing is.. we have only arrived yesterday and today I proved once again I should be named Cas (sorry if your name is… I don’t want to offend anyone).

My partner and I decided to visit the bigest market of the country and while there we planned to visit the church. My partner entered the address of the village in Google maps and off we went. We didn’t encounter trouble getting there. Upon arriving the streets where packed with cars. There where situations of double and even tripple parking. We searched for a place to park the car and found one not to far off! Lady luck was on our side, or do it seemed.

My partner went to the parking meter while I stayed with the car. It took a while so I looked to see what my partner was doing. They looked confused. The they crossed the street to another parking meter. Again this confused look. I walk over to Them, telling Them to lock the car while I cross the street. The car gets locked and I hear the problem. Both meters don’t work. Great. Back to the car to find another spot to park.

My partner asks for their phone. I had it before because of us using Google maps, but as far as my memory went my partner had taken the phone. Nope, not true. I had it in my lap. Wait, what…… I had it. No I didn’t! I tried calling, no sound. My partner had noticed an old lady picking something up from the ground next to our car when I crossed the street, thinking she had dropped something. Now we knew better….

I have such a bad memory that I didn’t even remember my partners phone in my lap. When I got out of the car it fell to the ground, without me hearing or noticing. To bad for is, this old lady did notice. Even worse…. she just took it! And the youth gets the reputation! I panicked. How stupid could I be!

Next step… My partner walked down the street to see if they could spot the old witch while I kept calling their phone. Nothing. Then I walked all the way to the market while calling. Nothing. I had definitely lost my partner their phone. I cried out of frustration and disbelieve. I mean, I know I am a klutz, but why with an expensive thing as the phone of my partner. I can handle messing up with my stuff, but someone else’s!

Next step… get the sim blocked and make sure the bank knows the their app has to be blocked. Now that that’s done let’s go see the police. We are in a country where English isn’t the native language. The cop behind the desk didn’t speak English, but he quickly got a colleague that did. I explained the situation. The cop asked if we had an IMEI. I thought email. Shows you how much I know.

Wel long stay with the cops short, the cop that spoke English told the cop at the desk the story, so that the desk cop could write the report. He acted as our translator. While waiting we talked a bit and got some tips on where to visit. Another cop that spoke English entered and joined the conversation while the desk cop wrote up the report. My partner had to sign the papers. I wanted to know what it was that got signed, so I used my Google translate app to read the papers. It checked out, my partner signed. The cops will try to find the phone using the IMEI we gave them and we can press charges within the next six months if we want to. We said our goodbyes and thanked everyone inside for their help.

The day we wanted to visit the biggest market turned to the day we visited the local police. Neither of us had much interest in visiting the market now, so we left the village without seeing the things we intended. My partner was really nice to me, they knew I was already beating myself up and told me these things can happen.

We went to the apartment we stay in while abroad and after parking the car and putting away the groceries we went to this small bakery to buy coffee and lunch. After that we walked through the village, took some time for a sandwich at our apartment and went to this beautiful ruin village to walk through. From the church that’s build there we had a spectacular view on the village we stay in. That’s the picture I put with this blog.

Today has passed, nearly time for bed. I still feel horrible for what happened, even though these things can happen. They happen to me far to often. My partner is looking at it from the bright side (at least when talking to me, I know they are bummed out as well) telling me they already know the next phone they want. They better never hand that to me in future…. For now we have joined custody over my phone, until we get back home and get a new SIM to put in an old phone while waiting for the new one to arrive.

Love dreamer

Darker dream?

I don’t know why or how, but somehow I dream in the night where Wednesday turns to Thursday most of the times. Or at least that’s the night I wake up remembering. Last night is no exception, but  I don’t know if I should be happy about that. Why? Let me tell you.

So I am living my live, doing the things I usually do and in my dream some things I have never done….ever, and wouldn’t do for sure. Those weren’t bad things, just things I’d never do, like cleaning a classroom. At least I don’t think so….. Maybe I’ve done it as a kid, but I can’t remember ever doing it. Back to the point. I am doing my things when I get to know… this will be my last day. It is almost over and when I should wake up I won’t. I am not the only one who knows either. Everyone knows this is my last day.

I say my goodbyes, but I don’t really want to go. Why would you know this is your last day, why would we all know? I don’t remember how we found out. It’s just this definite feeling things will end. Some people I love are with me on this last night. I am still awake, and they will be ‘guarding’ me/keeping me company. I should go to sleep, so I am ready for it, but I keep thinking.

I have accomplished so little, through nobody’s fault but mine, because series and games where so important to me. I should’ve spend more time on cleaning, friends, living. I am not even at the half of a normal lifetime if you would count a hundred as normal. I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for. I should however be getting sleepy and that should be the end. At some point I give in and fall asleep, however….. I wake up the next morning. Everyone, me included, is wondering how this could be. How could I be alive if I should have been dead? Not to long after waking up I decide it’s not important how….it is important I am alive. I will take every day I get as a gift and live it to the fullest.

This is where I wake up. I distinctly remember feeling darkness at this point. It creeps me out to be confronted with death, my life, my mortality. That’s strange though, because I am not afraid of death, not normally. I feel the dream slipping away, and as you can see, I don’t remember much of it. I remembered enough though. Enough to give you a glimpse at my dream. The important thing here is not the dream itself, but the insight it brings me while writing. I had to wait to write, even though I got out of bed immediately after waking up.

My laptop gave me the screen of death, started up again. I  could feel the dream slipping.

The things I still remember are on this page. Everything else got away from me, all details faded in no time at all. There was this feeling of darkness that stayed with me. Did I just dream of my own death? Am I going to die soon? Maybe, maybe not. After a bit I stopped focussing on the part where I knew I would die and started focussing on the part I lived. I did not die! I got another day to live and love! Maybe this dream was a message to stop burying myself in things I do on my own and start living….enjoy it!

That was the first message I got from this dream. Then something even more unsuspected happened. While I am writing this down I see myself type: “I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for”. It startles me. I know this is part of my dream, a feeling so clear it got on this page and yet…. It is not just my dream. It is a buried feeling, one that doesn’t get out to often, but is obviously there!

I am depressed a lot, thinking it’s ok if I die at that moment or day, wanting to go, but never ending life myself, because I promised. If you have enough dark moments and days you get dulled. At least that’s how it feels. It is the time of year where days are getting darker, so depression rears its ugly head a lot easier. Yet here I have a dream that is crystal clear…


I love to live. I don’t want to die, because I’ve got too much to live for. Now there’s a surprise ending to my dream… at least for me. And the crazy thing is…. I wouldn’t have seen it if I wouldn’t have put it in my blog. Life is funny that way. You see something dark to begin with, but it might turn out to give you a whole lot of light in the end. I hope I can share this light with you, so we can shine even brighter together and drive the darkness away.



Dreaming of a creepy crawly,

I am at home with my partner. One of my friends is with us. The three of us are watching TV. I don’t remember the thing we watched, but we sat on the same couch. Close together with me in the middle.

At some point I look to my left, where my friend is sitting, because we are talking, and I notice…. is that something in his nose…. moving?! The second I notice it the thing is gone, so I guess my mind is playing tricks on me. However, just to be sure, I keep glancing at his nose. After some time I see something again. It looks like pinchers! The next second they are gone again.

I decide I don’t like this. Something is moving in my friends nose and it is giving me the creeps. I move away from him a bit and tell him he’s got something in his nose.

My friend does nothing. He acts like I never told him anything and keeps watching whatever it is we were watching. Still the movement in his nose is getting clearer. I move further off. The thing in there is quite big as far as I can see.

Now the thing you have to know, and I should have started with this, my friend had abnormally large and open nostrils. Something that doesn’t exist in real life, but was normal as far as my dream goes, because the nostrils didn’t give me the creeps, the thing moving inside did. At some point the pincers even stuck out of his nose!

This is the point my friend couldn’t ignore it any longer, so he just said: “O, that’s nothing to worry about.”. He put his hand to his nose and a creature came crawling out! It was something that looked like an cross between a centipede and an earwig. The thing was almost translucent and it was about as long as my friends hand and as thick as two of his fingers. I drove my partner to the right so there was enough room between me and my friend for another person to sit there.

I asked my friend how he could be so calm about this huge thing living in his nose! He didn’t answer and went on watching TV. Now and again he put his hand to his nose. The thing would crawl out and walk over his hands like he was a pet or something. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I demanded to know why the hell he didn’t get the thing out of his nose. This was NOT normal and could NOT be healthy. My friend broke down. He started crying in the left corner of the couch. His eyes started to deform, I never thought anything of it, just like the nose. They started to look like those cartoons where the bottom of the eye looks like flowing water. Most of the time his eyes became white, because the colour part disappeared behind de lids that where not even visible, so high up.

When my friend calmed down a little he explained. He couldn’t live without the creature anymore. He had been drinking so much that some mayor organ didn’t function any longer. This creature was keeping him alive, because it lived of the substances his body could no longer break down on its own. I felt terrible, but I was still creeped out about the thing. I didn’t know what to do, hug my friend, like I should, or get as far away from him as I could because of the creature in his body.

At that point I woke up. Wow… that was one creepy dream! Perfect for my blog, so I have to get downstairs to share it with the world. I have to be quiet, because there are more people at home than just me. I get to opening where I have to let down some stairs. Normally they go down in an angle, but today they can’t because the guest bed is in use. When that thing is there you have to let the stairs straight down, like a stepladder. I start the process and am ready to set the stairs by pulling a lever so this sort of stop would click in place. Both my parents come to take over. “Let us do that. The carpet the stop gets on to is very old and we would like to preserve it as long as possible.”

At that point I truly woke up. 5:30 a.m. I remembered the dream. Kept my mind as quiet as I could to be able to remember it a lot longer. Thanks to the waking up part of my dream I had a good grasp on the first part of it, since I really needed to remember the first part in the second part. Would I be able to remember the second part as well? Or would I have to get out of bed if I wanted to document the dream? I chose to stay in bed a while longer. I fell asleep and about 8:30 a.m. I woke up again. That is about half an hour ago. I put on a shirt, went downstairs and started typing.

Well, I hope you liked reading about this dream. I’m still not sure what to think of it, shivering whenever I see that creature in my mind. I guess it is no longer in my friends nose, but will forever live in my brain. I feel violated! Can someone get the thing out please? Unlike my friend I don’t want it to stay in my body.