More exercise and other stuff

Ok, let’s start with the more exercise. My friend had the bright idea to put me on a race bike. That was quite a workout! But hell it hurts you back. I like it better than the exercises of the week before. I have been working out on the Wii as well, except for today and yesterday.

I think I am coming down with something, because my head feels stuffed and I keep sneezing. I feel tired as hell, but sleeping is difficult because the breathing gets hard. When I’m up it is ok, there is ooze inside, but not in the way of breathing. It is when I lay down or move my head in another position than upright that I know it is stuffed. It is like a glass ketchup bottle or something. When you turn it upside down you see the ketchup slowly make its way to the cap. Gravity wants it to be as near to the ground as possible. Same goes for the stuff in my head. You feel it moving as close to the ground as possible. If it could get to my toes, it would go there, I am sure of that.

Thing is, I can’t be getting sick, because I have just 1 day of work left before vacation starts. Three weeks to spend with my partner, without work or anything being in the way. I am looking forward to it. So is my partner. Spending time together is so important. Three weeks sounds like a long time, but it is over before we know it. Of course I will be trying to keep posting, but no promises are made 😀

Today is a day without much inspiration. I don’t know why, but I read somewhere, just type, things will come to you if you just try. You erase the junk and keep the good stuff. I am not going to erase the junk. You can skip it or read it if you want. I’ll just keep this post short.

I would like to end this post with a shout-out to people reading this that are having a tough time at the moment. And of course all others who need a boost, because this goes for everyone.

You are beautiful the way you are, no matter what they say. Asking for help when you can’t handle something on you own is not week, it takes strength, no one can do everything on their own. People who say they can are hiding a lot of pain/loneliness or other things. Be the best person you can be, nothing else, because even a smile or kind word spoken to some-one else can make a difference. Live with love in your heart, show that love to as many people as you can, and you will get love from others. Sure some people will try to crush you/take advantage of you and stuff, but a heart filled with love can withstand everything, even if sometimes it feels like it will break and not puff out again after some-one stood on it. Your heart is strong, you can do it!

Love
Dreamer

Working out?

Ok, sometimes you just need to make yourself feel better right? At least that’s the point where I am now. I am done with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act. So what do I do about it?
I decided I have been lazy long enough, time to go about things differently. I don’t know if I can make it happen or how long it will last if I get where I want to, but I have made a start.

Most of my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and years back I made myself a promise, I was not going to let myself ‘grow’ to much. I don’t go shopping for new pants when I am at my largest, because the they will become bigger and bigger. Right now I am at a point I need to take action. Other people say it is not that bad, but if I let myself ‘go’ it will get to a point of no return. So let’s do this!!! The doctor said I should be able to do everything, so I have no excuse to be lazy anymore.

I hate the gym, if I register I stop going in no time. I have tried that before. Going with friends does not work either, because after a while I will find excuses not to go even if my friends tell me I should. How do you go about things then? Well, I did two things to start with and there is something else I intend to do, but I thing that will be hard to go through with, because I am addicted.

The first thing I did was ask a friend of mine to become my personal trainer. He agreed and last Saturday was our first session. Keep in mind I have not been doing anything for a very long time. I ride my bike to work, but I even cheat at that, because it is an electric bike.

So my friend took me to a training field. The first thing that went through my mind was “o no, people will be able to see me!” I am so out of shape an now people will see me struggle at working out! I will be flailing around like a fish out of water, while these people are doing true workouts and having something funny to talk about later.

My friend told me not to worry. These people come here to work out and respect others that want to work out. Sure…… they respect others that work out. What I will be doing can’t be called working out. It will be stumbling through. But no mercy, I had to go there. We walked there as a warming up. That took about an hour. Once there we started a run around the field. I ‘ran’, but about halfway through the round I wondered how far I would come, because I already felt like I was going to die. Strangely enough I got through the round.

Then we started five different exercises doing each one for 30 seconds, with 30 second intervals. After doing all five we went for another run around the field. My ‘trainer’ talked to me and I made the mistake to talk back. I wasn’t even halfway round when I had to stop running. I started walking instead, because I was so out of breath I started hyperventilating. I got instructions on how to take control of my breath back, it worked. I learned not to talk while running that day :D. So on to the next round of exercises. At that point someone living in my brain decided to redecorate, because a heavy pounding started. It was worst behind my right eye and man I felt like a zero when I decided that was it, no more training that day, because I was afraid I would get a migraine. The pain behind my eye is an indicator.

We sat down while I took some pills and we drank some water. My friend asked me if I wanted to go on and told me he was already proud of me, regarding that I started below zero condition wise (my own words). I didn’t want to disappoint him too much, so we ran another round around the field and as a sort of cool down we walked the last round. While running I only gave a thumbs up/down or a nod of the head as an answer to the questions that came my way. I ran the full found, on will power. That felt good. So that was our first session, our next session will be better (I hope) :D. I am grateful he is helping me out like that.

The second thing I did was take out my Wii balance board. Every morning before work I start up my Wii fit and ‘work out’ for about half an hour. Someone asked me if you can really call that a work out. Hell yeah, I sweat like crazy and my muscles hurt. The sit-ups we did last Saturday are still hurting. When I have to do them with Wii I can barely lift my body, but I try as well as I can. Thursday is my regular day off so I decided that I would do a bigger workout. As you can see in the picture I booked a lot of minutes :D. I am proud of myself for doing this, even if some people might think it is stupid and childish and it won’t get me where I want to go. I feel good about it, an no one is going to take that from me.

The third thing I intend to do is stop using my laptop/YouTube/Netflix as much as I do now. I have to earn it! So I decided to see myself as a kid that has to be told no. I can do my laptop/YouTube/Netflix two hours tops (trust me, that is cutting waaaaay back) and I start doing other things. Like reading a book or writing the story I was talking about earlier. I won’t promise this will be happening, but writing it down makes it easier I guess, because I put it out in the world now. People I know can ask me about it now and try and keep me to it.

Today was a good start at it. I have not been on the computer until I started writing this blog. O wow, no today was not a good start. I have a smart TV and by way of music I have been listening to ‘Straight Outta Oz (deluxe edition’ from Todrick. Does that count as being on YouTube? I guess… but at least I was doing something productive at the same time (household chores). Well, I am proud of me. I guess this won’t be my last post about this. Write to you soon.

Love
Dreamer

YouTube generation

If I think about the title I don’t really think about people well in their thirties. I think about kids nowadays. My nephews of 5 are always asking to watch something on YouTube and a lot of teenagers you see in public transport or on TV talk about the thing or are actually watching.

I don’t meet many people my age that talk about the things they watch on YouTube. Maybe that’s because I don’t know that many people or I just ‘hang with the wrong crowd’ for YouTubers, but people I talk to always look at me like you look at a small child that tells you a story when I talk about the things I watch on YouTube and the people I like on there.

For me YouTube is a wonderful place to be. I love musicals, you can watch loads of those online. Loads of small productions that have great musicals on there. Through that I got to watch A very potter musical from Team Starkid and through that I got to watch Spies are forever from the Tin Can Brothers (TCB), through that I discovered Curt Mega Rhett and Link and so on and so on. One of my friends introduced me to other channels. I love Paint because of her and I discovered Todrick Hall because of her.

I have got a few channels I follow and love. Right now I am working my way through all Good Mythical Mornings (GMM) on YouTube. As I have mentioned before, I hate stepping into something halfway. One day Brian of TCB mentioned GMM, that triggered me to go and watch. I love the show! As you have been able to read earlier I love Hillywood as well not to forget Curt Mega.

All of them publish things online I love. I can spend hours on there. Not just going through series on Netflix, but also wanting to see so many things on YouTube takes a lot of time. I know it is probably even too much time, but I have to admit, I am addicted. Not just a bit, but a lot. When I am at work I think about the fact that I should have time to watch 3 episodes of GMM before my partner comes home in the evening or one episode of  a series I am watching at that Time. My thoughts go to dividing enough time between Netflix and YouTube in order for Netflix not sitting there idle since we have to pay for it.

So that’s it I have just confessed I am addicted. Maybe that’s a good thing, the confessing I mean, but what about the addiction itself? What am I going to do about that? I guess nothing. I don’t mind. My partner doesn’t seem to mind too much. As long as life is still going on I think I will be content and go on with watching those two channels.

The thing I love about the YouTubers I follow is the fact that they make things happen for themselves. If they imagine something they will not wait for someone to give them an opportunity to make it come through, they make it work. They ask us to help, and why not. TCB said it as it is. You get to see it on YouTube. Why not help pay for it.. you’d pay for a movie to go see it after it is made. If you love the things the YouTubers make, help pay for it beforehand…. I know, not all of us have that kind of money. I don’t have it either. Not to help everyone I love, but sometimes with some projects I will help pay If I have the money to do so :D.

This is one of the reasons I was so enthusiastic about Supernatural 2 by Hillywood. That and the fact that what they create is just fantastic. Another thing I have been looking forward to (and invested money in because I could at that time) is the Wayward guide by TCB. Can’t wait for it to be ready, but creating things takes time, so I’ll just have to wait patiently for them to get there.

I’m gonna leave it at that for now. Closing this blog with links to the YouTube channels of the people I love to follow. If you love musicals you should seriously go see Spies are forever. I’ll put in a link to that playlist as well.

https://www.youtube.com/user/tincanbros/featured
https://www.youtube.com/user/ShipwreckedComedy/featured
https://www.youtube.com/user/StarKidPotter/featured
https://www.youtube.com/user/CURTISMEGA/featured
https://www.youtube.com/user/JckSparrow/featured
https://www.youtube.com/user/RhettandLink/featured
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4PooiX37Pld1T8J5SYT-SQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd3aJl930YE&list=PLlF0gFzOX4tD1KJ5ZEnvhD55Qhnz-K0X2

Love
Dreamer

Ups and downs

A while ago a friend of mine shared a picture telling me she would love to do the depicted (no sexual pun intended). It was a picture of a notebook. Someone created a very colourful page that stated: a year in color (I type what I see). Underneath a diagram a seen above. It has all the months in a year and the days of that month.
The colours on the side of it stand for how the day has been. From top to bottom:
Purple = amazing
Dark blue = great day
Light blue = good day
Yellow = eh
Orange = bad day
red = worst day ever

I loved the idea, so I asked my friend if we could start one at the same time. Enthusiasm. I recreated this wonderful idea of someone I don’t know in an Excel sheet and send an empty copy to her. We are both filling one out at the moment. As you can see we started last month.
Yes this is actually a print screen of my recreation.

About two weeks ago this friend and I were talking. Her diagram has loads of colour. Her days vary much more than mine. We were talking about that. How can my diagram be so “stable”.
I’ll tell you why…..

If you have read my posts you might get that even though I grew up in a great home, I was not always a happy kid. At times I felt like a burden to everyone, not happy that I existed an wondering if I should. There is a whole lot I could tell you about it, but I won’t because it is something I have dealt with. Not that it was easy, but I did it. I came out on top. There are a whole lot of people that aren’t so lucky. This bit of background is important, why?

I am prone to depression. One way to deal with those is by taking medicine. I don’t want that, because it may be a great help, but there are downsides as well. Since I am not that depressed that I need them no matter wat I think I do without. Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have to be on guard for negative feelings at all times. I can NEVER let that guard down, if I do it could be disastrous. It happened at one time….. let’s just say it was a good thing I didn’t have any sharp objects at hand or anything else that could help me step out at that moment.

If I am on guard things are OK. I don’t like psychiatrist or psychologists most of the time, because to me they sound too much like a self-help tape recorded by someone who just knows stuff through observing instead of really knowing, but there has been this diamond between the pebbles at times that truly where able to help me. They helped me observe the path my mind takes and they helped me find ways to block the path it wants to take if negative feelings occur. I can steer my mind the right way, but it takes effort and time.

What you see above is the result of being able to fight the depressions. My mind does the same as the medicine do. It numbs things out, sort of. Most days end up being good days, because things balance each other out. I will always try to be overly positive about things. Look for the bright sides. Now believe me, just telling myself things are positive does not work, I had to work on feeling that. But I learned how to and now the looking on the bright side helps me to keep my day good. There is the occasion that no matter how bright I might want sides to look, nothing helps, but at least I have not had a worst day ever yet. On the other hand, because of keeping everything in check I don’t think it will be easy to score amazing days. I don’t mind though. I am happy I can say most days are good. That is a huge improvement on when I was younger. Back then there would have been loads of worst days ever. At least now I know that a purple day is truly purple.

I am very curious to see what the rest of the year will do. Tell you what. I’ll post a picture of it when June 2019 is done. You can see for yourself how 2018/2019 has been for me.
I would like to thank my friend for sharing the picture with me, because it is very helpful to find out these kinds of things about yourself.
And thank you to the original creator. I don’t know who you are, but this is a super idea!

Love
Dreamer

P.S. Even though I was truly unhappy loads of times, in hindsight I have been happy loads of times as well. The dark was just much stronger than the light. I learned to turn that around.

Storytime

So way back in 2007 I wrote a story. I swear to you that I didn’t have a clue as to what was going to happen. Every time my pen hit the paper (yes you are reading it correctly, pen and paper, no typing) I was as curious as to what was going to happen as anyone else can be when first reading this. So in my last post I opted that this might be the post for today and guess what. In advance sorry for the long post, but I hope you enjoy the story.

 

It is Sunday, but the day doesn’t do its name justice. It was rainy outside, many people will be gloomy because of this weather.

I am still in bed. The warmth is comforting and I don’t really want to wake up yet. I open my eyes slowly and put on my glasses. I am immediately aware something is wrong. This is not my room. My room is small and messy, because I try to get as much as I can into it, but don’t put things back where they belong after I use them. This room on the other hand…. Wow. It is as big as a ballroom and the bed I am in is right in the middle against the long wall.

It isn’t just any bed I see. It is a four-poster like the ones I only know from fairy tales. I would put a princess in this bed, not me. To my left there is a mirror desk against the short wall. From the bed I can make out there is a lot of stuff on it. I really want to check things out, but I am a bit afraid. To my right there are double doors in the short wall. A while away from it there are three luxurious cushions to sit on.

Right across of me there are also double doors. Where would those doors lead to for havens sake?

The whole room has an aubergine/crème colour-scheme. I find it very tasteful, exactly like I would have done it. I wonder how I got here though, and where the heck is here!

I get pulled from my thought by a knock on the door. What should I do? After all, I don’t belong here, even though it feels familiar for some reason. I also don’t know who is knocking, for all I know it could be a creepy figure with ill intent. Yet I hesitate, because I would like to meet a friendly person…

Before I know what I want the door opens and a beautiful lady walks in. She has beautiful dark hair, beautifully done-up, through which her face is clearly visible. Her eyes radiate pure love and her presence seems to envelop me in a blanket of serenity. All cares and all questions fall away from me. I know things are right. I see the woman is speaking to me, but  I can’t hear the words. This bothers me, but the moment I feel bothered the feeling ebbs away to be replaced by warmth. I don’t have a clue as to where this warmth is coming from, but it is not important to me. Weird.

The woman has walked to the other doors and gestures me to follow her, something I do without thinking. As soon as I join her she opens the doors. To my surprise I see it is an enormous wardrobe. In the back of it is a mirror in which I see myself. What a beautiful gown I am wearing. It is shining like silk and a soft blue. All edges have slight lacework, not unpleasant. I look down to see if I am actually wearing it. Yes I am… this is as weird as everything else, so why am I staying this calm? Am I dreaming? That has to be the answer. It is a beautiful dream, so I decide to go with it.

I look at the woman. Without speech, but with gestures she lets me know I can change clothes and closes the doors while leaving the room. I decide to take a look at the clothing available and to my joy I discover that everything in there is completely to my taste. There is so much to choose from, yet choosing isn’t hard because in the middle of the room is a stool with such a fine set of clothes I am sold immediately. Black jeans with rhinestones around the pockets and at the bottom of the tapered legs. On top I would wear a pale pink blouse without print or anything. The shoes a black leather. Elegant round noses and a light garland crossing it from the outside at the nose to the inside of the ankle. As soon as I am done, the woman opens the door again and gestures me to follow her. She walks to the other end of the room. As I am following I realise the only thing obvious about her is her head. The rest of here is a haze, jet I feel like I am dealing with a slim, elegant woman. I have the feeling I know her, but before I build up the courage to ask her about it she turns around. She gestures to some jewellery.

To my surprise there are thing here that belong to my personal favourites. My own wristwatch, the two rings I always wear (one for friendship and one for the family ties it has to my mother and through it to my grandma), the necklace two friends and I had made after school to symbolize our bond, the silver earrings my sister in law and her husband had given me for my birthday and the bracelet my boyfriend had given me, but which I had lost a while back. I put on the jewellery, thankful for the fact they are the ones in my jewellery case that are most dear to me.

The woman walks to the doors that are straight across the bed. I follow her. We end up in a huge hall. The only thing in it is a marvellous fountain in the middle. A huge, round, white room that would feel cold if it wouldn’t be for the fountain. The fountain however is an impression of nature, with beautiful landscapes chipped out of stone together with the splatter of water gives the room warmth and tranquillity. The whole wall is covered with white doors, but it isn’t obvious where the exit is. As soon as I look at the woman I know she is inviting me to take a look behind every door, starting on the left. She does not have to speak, I feel her intentions, and she feels mine, because before I say one word she seems to understand my thoughts.

I walk to the first door and open it. Strangely I enter some sort of café. I walk away from the door a bit. Inside there is a cosy crowd. Amidst the hustle a little girl wanders. She feels familiar, just like this place, even though I have never been here. I am so focused on the child I only notice the woman that walked toward her when she lifted her up. I know this woman to! At that pint the recognitions goes further than before. The woman standing there is my mum, I am sure of it. This knowing is strengthened when I see my dad appearing behind the counter. They are much younger, but still clearly recognisable. At once the question arises: who is the little girl, but I instinctively know the answer. It is me. The warmth I receive from my parents is overwhelming. I notice they receive double the warmth they are giving to everyone. I slowly move back to the door. This place feels terrific, but I have seen what I have to see. The next room awaits me.

The woman that has guided me up to now is nowhere to be seen. I regret that, but I know she will be there if I need her. Behind the next door I find a huge living room. It does not have one style, but is a combination of a lounge/bar/living room. In this room my whole family has collected. I don’t know everyone, yet I instinctively know the family ties. This room gives me the feeling of power, as if I build a foundation that will hold the heaviest building because of this family. The foundation has this strength because of the fact that the flaws are clearly visible, but they are accommodated by the strong points. This room has also showed me what I needed to see. My foundation is a good one.

I hesitate at the next door. I don’t know why but this room doesn’t feel right. At that moment a feel a hand on my shoulder. The tranquillity I felt before returns completely. When I turn around I see my guide standing there. Strengthened by her presence I open the door and go in. The woman does not follow me and I realise I have to process the information behind the doors on my own. I walk further in, but after a few steps a feeling of desolation washes over me in such a way I can’t move anymore. Despite of the feeling I can get myself to look around me. I am in a movie theatre, but is completely empty. I desperately wanted to walk away, but I know this emptiness is not the message. It is this empty because I will need this much room to process. I decide to sit down while I await what will happen. After a couple of minutes a movie starts. I am in the lead. I don’t like seeing this movie, because it consists of all horrible moments of my live. The fights I’ve had with friends, parents and other family members, the moments I felt hopeless and the moments I simply did not want to exist.  I actually don’t want to finish watching this movie, but I can’t get up, I have to watch. Tears stream down, but I can’t stop. It is like all the pain I locked inside for all these years because I did not want to feel are bursting out of my body right now. At the end of the movie I need least an hour to calm down. I wonder why I had to see these things, like I often wondered why I had to live through it. Slowly an answer is starting to form. I needed to see it to be able to give the things that happened a place the can exist without hurting me. That is what has happened, because the desolation I felt when I entered was gone and replace by relieve.

I also realise I have had more friends than I could remember. Because of all the bad memories from that time, the good memories had been driven to the background. Yet every bad thing that happened in my life has brought something good I realise. I’ve learned something from every situation that helped me in new situations. It has made me stronger as a person. I realise the clear feeling that I am done here, so I start my journey to the next room.

While I leave the movie theatre I see my guide on the other side of the room. I see her smile clearly and feel she is proud of me. With a lighter heart I walk to the next door, but once there I realise here is a lesson to be learned with unpleasant things as well. Because I know the results will be good I manage to build up the courage to enter the room

After a few steps the feeling of happiness leaves me here as well, only this time it is replaced by fear. I don’t need a movie theatre, because al fears flash in jumbled images before me. My fear to lose my family, my fear to lose my boyfriend of the possibility to do the things I love to do. Yet I find my biggest fear is to lose my boyfriend. Why? Are all things inferior or what? No they are not, but my relationship fills up most of my life at the moment. The rest isn’t less important because of it, I am just not as aware  of it. Because of the fact my relationship takes up the biggest part of my life, it is only natural my biggest fear lies there as well. That and I know everything else longer. The relationship brings a lot of new things, through which new fears can grow. I am glad I realise this, because I know I don’t have to be afraid because of it. Fear isn’t a bad thing though because fear helped me handle some situations with more care, which is why things worked out. The feeling of fear is replaced by serenity. This room as also been able to teach me a lesson.

How many rooms will follow? I hope I don’t wake up, because I want to experience this dream until the end. While I leave the room I look around the hall. Empty. The fountain is happily gurgling and I notice that it is more colourful every time I leave a room. Next door it is.

Insecure about what it is I will find I reach for the handle. My feeling stays positive, that gives me courage. In seeing the room behind the door my jaw drops in awe. Unbelievable! From the hall I step straight into the forest. I look around me in amazement. No walls in site, just the door I just walked though, other than that just everything is green. Even the sounds are that of nature. I decide to walk on and after a few minutes I even find a pond with ducks swimming delightfully in it. Everything I have seen until now falls into place, gives me room for overview. Will this be the last door? Yes, I am sure of it. There are no more doors to go through for now. The doors I have went through have wrapped up my life to this point short and sweet and here at this place I see the complete picture. The warmth my family gave me, gave me the strength I needed when I had to learn through unpleasant happenings. These happenings in turn helped me crate fears that helped some situations work out because I handled with more caution than I would have used otherwise. Al these things eventually brought me to where I am now.

Even though I don’t always feel happy, those moments of happiness are worth more than anything. I find I have a strong longing for my boyfriend right now, I want to share this feeling of happiness with him so badly.

All of a sudden my guide is there. “Do you see it wasn’t as bad as you thought after all? You opened up past the first impressions and found you know happiness in all the love around you. I knew you could do it and am proud of you.”

I can’t believe it, my guide speaks! I understand her words, like we hear each other in our daily lives! She is smiling because she knows what I am thinking. I want to know who she is, but am afraid to ask. She tells me I know the answer and I know perfectly well this wasn’t a dream either, but an answer to the question on what to do with myself. I have an answer for both questions, because she is right. I know she is my grandma and I know I just need to go on with my live to spread and share my happiness, like I learned from my parents. The warmth I felt every time is love and thanks to this experience I have returned to the basis. Grandma hugs me. I close my eyes in the hopes this moment may last forever. She whispers in my ear: “Tell you mother everything is ok, I don’t blame her for anything and will always love her. You know I will be with you when you need me, you are never alone.” I feel wonderful, like I am floating. When I open my eyes carefully, because I want to see my grandma one more time, she has disappeared. If I look besides me, my boyfriend is lying there. A wave of warmth goes through my body and I decide to cuddle up against him for a while, after all you have to enjoy every wonderful moment.

 

That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I find it refreshing to ‘read’ it again. My once in a lifetime experience, shared here in public, in hopes it might help you as it helped me.

 

Love
Dreamer

Weighing words

When I started this blog I said it would be sort of my diary. In a way it is. I share rather personal things through my blog, without too much hesitation, because it is an anonymous blog. Sure, my family and friends know it is me and if you stumble upon it without knowing I think you will know it is me without me telling you if you know me in real life, but it is still easier to write when it feels anonymous.

That said, I know I can’t or won’t put just anything in my blog. I try to think about my words before I put them online. Not the spelling as you might have noticed, but the meaning of the words. Why? Because using internet is a bit like having superpowers. With great powers comes great responsibility. You have to think about what you put online, because it can influence lives in ways you hadn’t thought about.

If I had a bad day and people ruffled my feathers I don’t go online to chew them out. For one, they might stumble upon my blog and recognise themselves, confronting me with the fact I put it online, but did not confront them in person about it (because I hate conflict, I leave people be rather than confront them). Then there is the fact that internet can break people if you are not careful. The mind can be a fragile thing, so try not to hurt people if you don’t have to. A compliment and a curse are just as easily given, but the curse will do loads more damage than the compliment can ‘fix’, if it can fix anything at all.

Way back when Hyves was still a thing I posted a blog once. I felt a bit down, just a bit, not too much. The one thing I keep forgetting is that my mind is sort of a shaded place. Nothing I can’t handle. I know the shades and how to manoeuvre around them to be ok. But I forget that other people might not get that. So I posted a blog about my bad day, just to ‘air out’ some feelings. It did not take long for my friends and family to start sending me messages asking if I was ok. Did I need someone to come by and talk to, did I need a hug. They read something that stated I was done with everything. For them the post was dark enough to worry about me taking my own life.

I’ll be honest, I have been on that point in my life more than once. This was not one of those times. The thing is, my mind is a wonderful place to me, but there are shades I have to watch out for. People reading this didn’t see shades, they saw  night. I learned to weigh my words better that day, because I had people worried while nothing that bad had happened. Every blog I write I try to think about the impact it might have on people. No that’s not true. I try to think about not having a bad impact on people. I don’t think about it having a good one.

See, that is one of those things, I concentrate on the negative, but at the end that is a positive thing, because I just don’t want to hurt or worry people. Don’t think about me no posting important negative feelings. I will deal with those in appropriate ways. I will take care of my mental health, but it will not be the thing I want to post about. Not because of you, but some things I am better at handling alone.

Why this post if that’s my take on it? Well last night (it was past midnight) I read a post of someone I haven’t met in real life. I ‘met’ this person online in a slack group. I don’t know any of those people in real life and I have not been in this group for long, but it feels like a warm group of people. One of them mentioned working on a blog post and I immediately felt like I would want to read it, so I asked if I could. I got a link to the blogsite and started reading the minute I came home from the movies with friends. The blog touched me in a good way. Here was a person that has been though a lot with so much positive energy coming from the posts it made me feel warmth. Loads of it. There is this one post I will definitely go back to whenever the shadows in my mind will be too much for me, because I feel like it will always bring light to those shades and help me defeat them.

This blogger started another idea in my head as well. ‘Way back’ in 2007 I wrote a story. I shared it with friends of mine, but I think it is time for me to share it with another audience. Maybe it is taking a risk of someone else taking liberties with my work, but I don’t want to think that way. I will trust in people to use source reference and giving respect to the author of a piece if they talk/write about things. I will entrust my story to the internet. So be warned, the next post that will come online will be a long one. It is an experience I had. Maybe it was I dream I remembered when writing, maybe it was something else, but know that it is actually about me. Not something fictional, but my life, my feelings, my story. I hope it might inspire people, who knows. I’ll have to translate it first, so I don’t know when I will post it. Could be Thursday, since that is my normal day for posting.

Let me finish this blog by thanking AMindOfSorts for the warmth I got from reading your posts. May your future be a bright one, with lots of love and friendship.

Love
Dreamer

P.S Go to the blog and find out for yourself https://amindofsorts.wordpress.com/

 

A day late

Last week has been an interesting one. I had a job interview yesterday. That’s why there was no blog when it was supposed to be posted.

You see, this interview took place about an hour and a half from my house. The woman I talked to has a business that helps people regarding the funerals of their loved ones. She is starting to branch out of her region, so she is looking for people who can work for her when the spreading happens. In other words, I had a job interview that does not bring me anything in the near future, but it is a start in getting into the field I really want to work.

I went in, knowing she hasn’t got places to work with in my region yet, so I thought, half an hour tops. She wants to get to know me a bit, but nothing concrete jet.I’ve been in there for about four hours!!!! The thing is, I was supposed to visit family afterward before going home. That had to be cut short because of the long talk.On the other hand, it feels positive the talk lasted this long, because it was one that felt relaxed, like friends meeting.

I hope good things come from it, but the interview, family visit and other things around the house that had to be done made me forget about writing a post. Sorry *shame*.

Well, here it is anyway :D. Today will be a good day, because I am going to enjoy dinner in the company of a very good friend and today we are watching…….. SUPERNATURAL PARODY 2 by Hilly and Hannah. It came out yesterday and we are going to watch it together and record our reaction :D. I am soooooooo looking forward to watching it. It was hard not to watch it yet, but time is there!.

If you have never watched something of The Hillywood Show, you should, you are missing out!Please go to YouTube and look at their awesome work. It is mind blowing. Can’t wait to see it, but I’ll have to. In about 15 minutes my friend will pick me up, we’ll go shopping for dinner and then we can watch. My sister already told me the second one is even better then the first one :D. She send me the link, so I’ll type it up for you, hoping it will get you to the video. https://youtu.be/Nsy06n-omrg . Let me know what you think about it will you!!!

I’ll end this blog now, even though it is a bit short. Write to you soon.

Follow-up, actually saw supernatural parody. It is awsome!!!!!!!!

LoveDreamer