Darker dream?

I don’t know why or how, but somehow I dream in the night where Wednesday turns to Thursday most of the times. Or at least that’s the night I wake up remembering. Last night is no exception, but  I don’t know if I should be happy about that. Why? Let me tell you.

So I am living my live, doing the things I usually do and in my dream some things I have never done….ever, and wouldn’t do for sure. Those weren’t bad things, just things I’d never do, like cleaning a classroom. At least I don’t think so….. Maybe I’ve done it as a kid, but I can’t remember ever doing it. Back to the point. I am doing my things when I get to know… this will be my last day. It is almost over and when I should wake up I won’t. I am not the only one who knows either. Everyone knows this is my last day.

I say my goodbyes, but I don’t really want to go. Why would you know this is your last day, why would we all know? I don’t remember how we found out. It’s just this definite feeling things will end. Some people I love are with me on this last night. I am still awake, and they will be ‘guarding’ me/keeping me company. I should go to sleep, so I am ready for it, but I keep thinking.

I have accomplished so little, through nobody’s fault but mine, because series and games where so important to me. I should’ve spend more time on cleaning, friends, living. I am not even at the half of a normal lifetime if you would count a hundred as normal. I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for. I should however be getting sleepy and that should be the end. At some point I give in and fall asleep, however….. I wake up the next morning. Everyone, me included, is wondering how this could be. How could I be alive if I should have been dead? Not to long after waking up I decide it’s not important how….it is important I am alive. I will take every day I get as a gift and live it to the fullest.

This is where I wake up. I distinctly remember feeling darkness at this point. It creeps me out to be confronted with death, my life, my mortality. That’s strange though, because I am not afraid of death, not normally. I feel the dream slipping away, and as you can see, I don’t remember much of it. I remembered enough though. Enough to give you a glimpse at my dream. The important thing here is not the dream itself, but the insight it brings me while writing. I had to wait to write, even though I got out of bed immediately after waking up.

My laptop gave me the screen of death, started up again. I  could feel the dream slipping.

The things I still remember are on this page. Everything else got away from me, all details faded in no time at all. There was this feeling of darkness that stayed with me. Did I just dream of my own death? Am I going to die soon? Maybe, maybe not. After a bit I stopped focussing on the part where I knew I would die and started focussing on the part I lived. I did not die! I got another day to live and love! Maybe this dream was a message to stop burying myself in things I do on my own and start living….enjoy it!

That was the first message I got from this dream. Then something even more unsuspected happened. While I am writing this down I see myself type: “I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for”. It startles me. I know this is part of my dream, a feeling so clear it got on this page and yet…. It is not just my dream. It is a buried feeling, one that doesn’t get out to often, but is obviously there!

I am depressed a lot, thinking it’s ok if I die at that moment or day, wanting to go, but never ending life myself, because I promised. If you have enough dark moments and days you get dulled. At least that’s how it feels. It is the time of year where days are getting darker, so depression rears its ugly head a lot easier. Yet here I have a dream that is crystal clear…


I love to live. I don’t want to die, because I’ve got too much to live for. Now there’s a surprise ending to my dream… at least for me. And the crazy thing is…. I wouldn’t have seen it if I wouldn’t have put it in my blog. Life is funny that way. You see something dark to begin with, but it might turn out to give you a whole lot of light in the end. I hope I can share this light with you, so we can shine even brighter together and drive the darkness away.



Dreaming of a creepy crawly,

I am at home with my partner. One of my friends is with us. The three of us are watching TV. I don’t remember the thing we watched, but we sat on the same couch. Close together with me in the middle.

At some point I look to my left, where my friend is sitting, because we are talking, and I notice…. is that something in his nose…. moving?! The second I notice it the thing is gone, so I guess my mind is playing tricks on me. However, just to be sure, I keep glancing at his nose. After some time I see something again. It looks like pinchers! The next second they are gone again.

I decide I don’t like this. Something is moving in my friends nose and it is giving me the creeps. I move away from him a bit and tell him he’s got something in his nose.

My friend does nothing. He acts like I never told him anything and keeps watching whatever it is we were watching. Still the movement in his nose is getting clearer. I move further off. The thing in there is quite big as far as I can see.

Now the thing you have to know, and I should have started with this, my friend had abnormally large and open nostrils. Something that doesn’t exist in real life, but was normal as far as my dream goes, because the nostrils didn’t give me the creeps, the thing moving inside did. At some point the pincers even stuck out of his nose!

This is the point my friend couldn’t ignore it any longer, so he just said: “O, that’s nothing to worry about.”. He put his hand to his nose and a creature came crawling out! It was something that looked like an cross between a centipede and an earwig. The thing was almost translucent and it was about as long as my friends hand and as thick as two of his fingers. I drove my partner to the right so there was enough room between me and my friend for another person to sit there.

I asked my friend how he could be so calm about this huge thing living in his nose! He didn’t answer and went on watching TV. Now and again he put his hand to his nose. The thing would crawl out and walk over his hands like he was a pet or something. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I demanded to know why the hell he didn’t get the thing out of his nose. This was NOT normal and could NOT be healthy. My friend broke down. He started crying in the left corner of the couch. His eyes started to deform, I never thought anything of it, just like the nose. They started to look like those cartoons where the bottom of the eye looks like flowing water. Most of the time his eyes became white, because the colour part disappeared behind de lids that where not even visible, so high up.

When my friend calmed down a little he explained. He couldn’t live without the creature anymore. He had been drinking so much that some mayor organ didn’t function any longer. This creature was keeping him alive, because it lived of the substances his body could no longer break down on its own. I felt terrible, but I was still creeped out about the thing. I didn’t know what to do, hug my friend, like I should, or get as far away from him as I could because of the creature in his body.

At that point I woke up. Wow… that was one creepy dream! Perfect for my blog, so I have to get downstairs to share it with the world. I have to be quiet, because there are more people at home than just me. I get to opening where I have to let down some stairs. Normally they go down in an angle, but today they can’t because the guest bed is in use. When that thing is there you have to let the stairs straight down, like a stepladder. I start the process and am ready to set the stairs by pulling a lever so this sort of stop would click in place. Both my parents come to take over. “Let us do that. The carpet the stop gets on to is very old and we would like to preserve it as long as possible.”

At that point I truly woke up. 5:30 a.m. I remembered the dream. Kept my mind as quiet as I could to be able to remember it a lot longer. Thanks to the waking up part of my dream I had a good grasp on the first part of it, since I really needed to remember the first part in the second part. Would I be able to remember the second part as well? Or would I have to get out of bed if I wanted to document the dream? I chose to stay in bed a while longer. I fell asleep and about 8:30 a.m. I woke up again. That is about half an hour ago. I put on a shirt, went downstairs and started typing.

Well, I hope you liked reading about this dream. I’m still not sure what to think of it, shivering whenever I see that creature in my mind. I guess it is no longer in my friends nose, but will forever live in my brain. I feel violated! Can someone get the thing out please? Unlike my friend I don’t want it to stay in my body.


Add frustrations

I know I have mentioned being lazy, but I can’t remember if I have told you about an addiction of mine. Oe maybe I have told you about an addiction, but Just nog this one yet. What can I say, I am pretty messed up.

So what addiction am I talking about now? Games. Games that are played on your phone. For example, my morning did not start well if I didn’t have time to play Diggy’s adventure. When my partner and I are in the car it is pretty likely that I am playing a game. When I feel ‘bored’ I play a game.

When I was much younger I didn’t get ‘bored’ this easily. To be honest I am not easily ‘bored’ now, but every slow moment is an excuse to play. I like finding new games to play, but…. This is where the title comes in. Add frustrations.

Let me make one thing clear: it is not the fact that adds are shown at regular intervals, but the adds themselfs that bother me. I don’t know if you have noticed, but there are a lot of adds that are nothing like the actual game! Take the add for matchington mansion. You see a messed up bathroom and some choices in the bottom of the screen. The choices made are correct or wrong. Download the game and the only choices you get to make are the interior the mansion gets after you have earned stars by playing ‘three in a row’ levels.

I hate that! I download a game based on what I see, because that is what I expect! If you show me a video, that’s what I think I get to do in the game. If I download the game as a result and it turns out to be something else all together I delete it as fast as I downloaded it. Why would you deceive is like that? I don’t want those lies. They frustrate me so f-ing much! That results in me ranting about it to you. I am sure you could do without that. But hey, I had to get it out there. Now… Van someone point me to a game that actually asks me to make those choices. Or if it doesn’t exist… is there someone out there that van develop it PLEASE.

Love, dreamer

Vacation near home

So my three weeks of vacation have started. Woohooo! And what to do with all that free time on your hands? Well the first thing is of obviously sleep in. I LOVE to sleep. The second thing is spending as much time with my partner as I can ( I know, I know).

So our first day the weather was perfect for a lazy day. Sleep in for a very long time and hang around the house in sleeping wear. Lovely start. Bit of television, cuddling on the couch, the works.

Second day may partner says why not go to the outlet centre nearby (DO I HAVE THE PERFECT PARTNER OR WHAT!!!!) So we went shopping. Normally we don’t come home with too much stuff, but my boots needed replacing, so we did that, and we were both in need of a new winter coat. Luckily we both found a new one as well. Loads of money spend, only two days in, but it was nice :D.

Third day, we went for a bicycle trip. I said it would be nice to tread the city we live in like the ones we visited in our country. If we stay in our country, we often take our bikes or rent some and cycle around to get to know the place. Near our home there is a sign to follow with your bike, so why not pretend we don’t live here and start following the signs?
The signs work like this: Throughout the country there are bike trails. The signs are all around pointing you to a junction where you can decide where to go next. At the junction is a map and all you do is decide to follow a number on it by going where the signs point. Easy!
So we did that, we went to the first junction, decided where we wanted to go and followed the signs (no yellow brick roads, but he, loads of magic ;))

At one point there was this sign that warned for a KM of ground where wildlife could cross. Another couple was cycling in front of us and seemed to take the same route. We had hardly past the sign or out of the field to our left came a herd of cows onto the road in front of us and behind the other cyclists. The herd turned left, that meant the herd would be walking in front of us, because that was the way the sign pointed us to. We decided to slowly follow the cows. One of them stopped walking, turned sideways and stood there looking at us for a few seconds, before it turned again to follow the others. These cows seemed to be out for a jog without a farmer in sight! The first crossing we came to we thought to get rid of the cows, but they seemed to be following the same signs as us, because they turned left just like the sign said. I started thinking maybe they were like bulls, because the man cycling in front of them had on a red jacket. Was he the reason the cows went for a jog?

They stayed in front of us for a while and every turn they took seemed to be the way we were going. At one point they stopped jogging and started walking. The cow that had looked at us before did so twice more. My partner didn’t feel too comfortable, afraid the cows would decide to go back and come straight at us. Once they slowed down I decided to walk with my bike, in order not to spook the cows. I wasn’t afraid of them. To my knowledge cows are very calm and friendly animals. Then all at once they turned right, onto an area for hikers. Al of them hopped over the wooden obstacle that was on the ground and walked along, like it was an everyday thing. Nothing to see here. We could go straight ahead and lost the cows.

We met the other couple again at the next map. They asked if we ended up right in the middle. They had decided to go as fast as they could as soon as the cows came onto the road, afraid to end up in the middle and under hoofs if they would be accidentally knocked over. I told the man I was wondering if they were following his coat. He had been wondering the same. We were all wondering if a farmer would be looking for his cows now, because how often do cows go on a stroll. I had a blast. Afterward I asked my partner if we had been behind the cows about a KM. He asked why. My answer, because then it truly was 1 KM of ‘wildlife’ crossing.

Today we have been cycling again, but this time it was less eventful. None the less, I love spending time with my partner. Since the vacation started all my days have been dark blue. I love it!


More exercise and other stuff

Ok, let’s start with the more exercise. My friend had the bright idea to put me on a race bike. That was quite a workout! But hell it hurts you back. I like it better than the exercises of the week before. I have been working out on the Wii as well, except for today and yesterday.

I think I am coming down with something, because my head feels stuffed and I keep sneezing. I feel tired as hell, but sleeping is difficult because the breathing gets hard. When I’m up it is ok, there is ooze inside, but not in the way of breathing. It is when I lay down or move my head in another position than upright that I know it is stuffed. It is like a glass ketchup bottle or something. When you turn it upside down you see the ketchup slowly make its way to the cap. Gravity wants it to be as near to the ground as possible. Same goes for the stuff in my head. You feel it moving as close to the ground as possible. If it could get to my toes, it would go there, I am sure of that.

Thing is, I can’t be getting sick, because I have just 1 day of work left before vacation starts. Three weeks to spend with my partner, without work or anything being in the way. I am looking forward to it. So is my partner. Spending time together is so important. Three weeks sounds like a long time, but it is over before we know it. Of course I will be trying to keep posting, but no promises are made 😀

Today is a day without much inspiration. I don’t know why, but I read somewhere, just type, things will come to you if you just try. You erase the junk and keep the good stuff. I am not going to erase the junk. You can skip it or read it if you want. I’ll just keep this post short.

I would like to end this post with a shout-out to people reading this that are having a tough time at the moment. And of course all others who need a boost, because this goes for everyone.

You are beautiful the way you are, no matter what they say. Asking for help when you can’t handle something on you own is not week, it takes strength, no one can do everything on their own. People who say they can are hiding a lot of pain/loneliness or other things. Be the best person you can be, nothing else, because even a smile or kind word spoken to some-one else can make a difference. Live with love in your heart, show that love to as many people as you can, and you will get love from others. Sure some people will try to crush you/take advantage of you and stuff, but a heart filled with love can withstand everything, even if sometimes it feels like it will break and not puff out again after some-one stood on it. Your heart is strong, you can do it!


Working out?

Ok, sometimes you just need to make yourself feel better right? At least that’s the point where I am now. I am done with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act. So what do I do about it?
I decided I have been lazy long enough, time to go about things differently. I don’t know if I can make it happen or how long it will last if I get where I want to, but I have made a start.

Most of my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and years back I made myself a promise, I was not going to let myself ‘grow’ to much. I don’t go shopping for new pants when I am at my largest, because the they will become bigger and bigger. Right now I am at a point I need to take action. Other people say it is not that bad, but if I let myself ‘go’ it will get to a point of no return. So let’s do this!!! The doctor said I should be able to do everything, so I have no excuse to be lazy anymore.

I hate the gym, if I register I stop going in no time. I have tried that before. Going with friends does not work either, because after a while I will find excuses not to go even if my friends tell me I should. How do you go about things then? Well, I did two things to start with and there is something else I intend to do, but I thing that will be hard to go through with, because I am addicted.

The first thing I did was ask a friend of mine to become my personal trainer. He agreed and last Saturday was our first session. Keep in mind I have not been doing anything for a very long time. I ride my bike to work, but I even cheat at that, because it is an electric bike.

So my friend took me to a training field. The first thing that went through my mind was “o no, people will be able to see me!” I am so out of shape an now people will see me struggle at working out! I will be flailing around like a fish out of water, while these people are doing true workouts and having something funny to talk about later.

My friend told me not to worry. These people come here to work out and respect others that want to work out. Sure…… they respect others that work out. What I will be doing can’t be called working out. It will be stumbling through. But no mercy, I had to go there. We walked there as a warming up. That took about an hour. Once there we started a run around the field. I ‘ran’, but about halfway through the round I wondered how far I would come, because I already felt like I was going to die. Strangely enough I got through the round.

Then we started five different exercises doing each one for 30 seconds, with 30 second intervals. After doing all five we went for another run around the field. My ‘trainer’ talked to me and I made the mistake to talk back. I wasn’t even halfway round when I had to stop running. I started walking instead, because I was so out of breath I started hyperventilating. I got instructions on how to take control of my breath back, it worked. I learned not to talk while running that day :D. So on to the next round of exercises. At that point someone living in my brain decided to redecorate, because a heavy pounding started. It was worst behind my right eye and man I felt like a zero when I decided that was it, no more training that day, because I was afraid I would get a migraine. The pain behind my eye is an indicator.

We sat down while I took some pills and we drank some water. My friend asked me if I wanted to go on and told me he was already proud of me, regarding that I started below zero condition wise (my own words). I didn’t want to disappoint him too much, so we ran another round around the field and as a sort of cool down we walked the last round. While running I only gave a thumbs up/down or a nod of the head as an answer to the questions that came my way. I ran the full found, on will power. That felt good. So that was our first session, our next session will be better (I hope) :D. I am grateful he is helping me out like that.

The second thing I did was take out my Wii balance board. Every morning before work I start up my Wii fit and ‘work out’ for about half an hour. Someone asked me if you can really call that a work out. Hell yeah, I sweat like crazy and my muscles hurt. The sit-ups we did last Saturday are still hurting. When I have to do them with Wii I can barely lift my body, but I try as well as I can. Thursday is my regular day off so I decided that I would do a bigger workout. As you can see in the picture I booked a lot of minutes :D. I am proud of myself for doing this, even if some people might think it is stupid and childish and it won’t get me where I want to go. I feel good about it, an no one is going to take that from me.

The third thing I intend to do is stop using my laptop/YouTube/Netflix as much as I do now. I have to earn it! So I decided to see myself as a kid that has to be told no. I can do my laptop/YouTube/Netflix two hours tops (trust me, that is cutting waaaaay back) and I start doing other things. Like reading a book or writing the story I was talking about earlier. I won’t promise this will be happening, but writing it down makes it easier I guess, because I put it out in the world now. People I know can ask me about it now and try and keep me to it.

Today was a good start at it. I have not been on the computer until I started writing this blog. O wow, no today was not a good start. I have a smart TV and by way of music I have been listening to ‘Straight Outta Oz (deluxe edition’ from Todrick. Does that count as being on YouTube? I guess… but at least I was doing something productive at the same time (household chores). Well, I am proud of me. I guess this won’t be my last post about this. Write to you soon.


YouTube generation

If I think about the title I don’t really think about people well in their thirties. I think about kids nowadays. My nephews of 5 are always asking to watch something on YouTube and a lot of teenagers you see in public transport or on TV talk about the thing or are actually watching.

I don’t meet many people my age that talk about the things they watch on YouTube. Maybe that’s because I don’t know that many people or I just ‘hang with the wrong crowd’ for YouTubers, but people I talk to always look at me like you look at a small child that tells you a story when I talk about the things I watch on YouTube and the people I like on there.

For me YouTube is a wonderful place to be. I love musicals, you can watch loads of those online. Loads of small productions that have great musicals on there. Through that I got to watch A very potter musical from Team Starkid and through that I got to watch Spies are forever from the Tin Can Brothers (TCB), through that I discovered Curt Mega Rhett and Link and so on and so on. One of my friends introduced me to other channels. I love Paint because of her and I discovered Todrick Hall because of her.

I have got a few channels I follow and love. Right now I am working my way through all Good Mythical Mornings (GMM) on YouTube. As I have mentioned before, I hate stepping into something halfway. One day Brian of TCB mentioned GMM, that triggered me to go and watch. I love the show! As you have been able to read earlier I love Hillywood as well not to forget Curt Mega.

All of them publish things online I love. I can spend hours on there. Not just going through series on Netflix, but also wanting to see so many things on YouTube takes a lot of time. I know it is probably even too much time, but I have to admit, I am addicted. Not just a bit, but a lot. When I am at work I think about the fact that I should have time to watch 3 episodes of GMM before my partner comes home in the evening or one episode of  a series I am watching at that Time. My thoughts go to dividing enough time between Netflix and YouTube in order for Netflix not sitting there idle since we have to pay for it.

So that’s it I have just confessed I am addicted. Maybe that’s a good thing, the confessing I mean, but what about the addiction itself? What am I going to do about that? I guess nothing. I don’t mind. My partner doesn’t seem to mind too much. As long as life is still going on I think I will be content and go on with watching those two channels.

The thing I love about the YouTubers I follow is the fact that they make things happen for themselves. If they imagine something they will not wait for someone to give them an opportunity to make it come through, they make it work. They ask us to help, and why not. TCB said it as it is. You get to see it on YouTube. Why not help pay for it.. you’d pay for a movie to go see it after it is made. If you love the things the YouTubers make, help pay for it beforehand…. I know, not all of us have that kind of money. I don’t have it either. Not to help everyone I love, but sometimes with some projects I will help pay If I have the money to do so :D.

This is one of the reasons I was so enthusiastic about Supernatural 2 by Hillywood. That and the fact that what they create is just fantastic. Another thing I have been looking forward to (and invested money in because I could at that time) is the Wayward guide by TCB. Can’t wait for it to be ready, but creating things takes time, so I’ll just have to wait patiently for them to get there.

I’m gonna leave it at that for now. Closing this blog with links to the YouTube channels of the people I love to follow. If you love musicals you should seriously go see Spies are forever. I’ll put in a link to that playlist as well.