I don’t know why or how, but somehow I dream in the night where Wednesday turns to Thursday most of the times. Or at least that’s the night I wake up remembering. Last night is no exception, but I don’t know if I should be happy about that. Why? Let me tell you.
So I am living my live, doing the things I usually do and in my dream some things I have never done….ever, and wouldn’t do for sure. Those weren’t bad things, just things I’d never do, like cleaning a classroom. At least I don’t think so….. Maybe I’ve done it as a kid, but I can’t remember ever doing it. Back to the point. I am doing my things when I get to know… this will be my last day. It is almost over and when I should wake up I won’t. I am not the only one who knows either. Everyone knows this is my last day.
I say my goodbyes, but I don’t really want to go. Why would you know this is your last day, why would we all know? I don’t remember how we found out. It’s just this definite feeling things will end. Some people I love are with me on this last night. I am still awake, and they will be ‘guarding’ me/keeping me company. I should go to sleep, so I am ready for it, but I keep thinking.
I have accomplished so little, through nobody’s fault but mine, because series and games where so important to me. I should’ve spend more time on cleaning, friends, living. I am not even at the half of a normal lifetime if you would count a hundred as normal. I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for. I should however be getting sleepy and that should be the end. At some point I give in and fall asleep, however….. I wake up the next morning. Everyone, me included, is wondering how this could be. How could I be alive if I should have been dead? Not to long after waking up I decide it’s not important how….it is important I am alive. I will take every day I get as a gift and live it to the fullest.
This is where I wake up. I distinctly remember feeling darkness at this point. It creeps me out to be confronted with death, my life, my mortality. That’s strange though, because I am not afraid of death, not normally. I feel the dream slipping away, and as you can see, I don’t remember much of it. I remembered enough though. Enough to give you a glimpse at my dream. The important thing here is not the dream itself, but the insight it brings me while writing. I had to wait to write, even though I got out of bed immediately after waking up.
My laptop gave me the screen of death, started up again. I could feel the dream slipping.
The things I still remember are on this page. Everything else got away from me, all details faded in no time at all. There was this feeling of darkness that stayed with me. Did I just dream of my own death? Am I going to die soon? Maybe, maybe not. After a bit I stopped focussing on the part where I knew I would die and started focussing on the part I lived. I did not die! I got another day to live and love! Maybe this dream was a message to stop burying myself in things I do on my own and start living….enjoy it!
That was the first message I got from this dream. Then something even more unsuspected happened. While I am writing this down I see myself type: “I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for”. It startles me. I know this is part of my dream, a feeling so clear it got on this page and yet…. It is not just my dream. It is a buried feeling, one that doesn’t get out to often, but is obviously there!
I am depressed a lot, thinking it’s ok if I die at that moment or day, wanting to go, but never ending life myself, because I promised. If you have enough dark moments and days you get dulled. At least that’s how it feels. It is the time of year where days are getting darker, so depression rears its ugly head a lot easier. Yet here I have a dream that is crystal clear…
I LOVE TO LIVE
I love to live. I don’t want to die, because I’ve got too much to live for. Now there’s a surprise ending to my dream… at least for me. And the crazy thing is…. I wouldn’t have seen it if I wouldn’t have put it in my blog. Life is funny that way. You see something dark to begin with, but it might turn out to give you a whole lot of light in the end. I hope I can share this light with you, so we can shine even brighter together and drive the darkness away.