Mist

First things first….. I hope you’re all okay. These are weird times for everyone. Hang in there… I would like to say things will get better, and I believe they will, but I can understand if it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know what to say really, so let me give you this safe hug from a distance and a dream to distract you from things for a couple of minutes.

Now, sorry for being offline for some time. I had nothing to write about other than how bad I felt/feel with my acnes and I don’t want this blog to be a place of me dumping shit without something positive. That’s what I’ve got my partner for ;p

Now for the distracting part. I’ve had a dream. But I guess a lot of my blogs are about my dreams. This dream was so vague I hope it translates. If not, sorry, but trying to understand might help in the distraction.

So in this dream I’m in a house with someone else, someone I know in my dream, but I can’t connect to my real life. It’s not our house, we are supposed to watch over someone that does live there. Right from the start of the dream I know that’s just a pretence. They want to kill us by leaving us alone in there. It wasn’t an idea or feeling, I knew! I was as certain about it as the fact that I’ve got two hands.

So.. we’re in the house. The original occupant left us there with the person we are supposed to take care of. Well….. Person……. You have seen mannequins I take it. We were there with just the bottom half of one. Two legs and the hips those are connected to, nothing more. Ever seen Dr Who, with the living plastic? The legs where alive! The walked over to me and drove me in a corner.

I was scared at first, I mean it’s not something you see every day right! Than I figured, it’s a couple of plastic legs. They’ll have a hard time killing me. My friend must have thought the same, because they took the thing by the hips, lifted it and put it behind them. I came out of the corner and we decided to start making dinner. I glance over my friends shoulder….. The legs have a torso! Where did that come from?

Obviously this is cause for concern, I mean.. the plastic grows into more. Once there are arms and hands the thing will be more dangerous. Just as I knew the idea was to kill us that night, I knew the thing would keep its cool if we would boil water near it. I know, weird, but hey, that’s what dreams can be. We take a large pan, fill it with water and put it on one of those travel stoves. Why not a regular stove? No idea. The whole meal we prepare right then and there is made on those. We’re eating pasta. The legs and torso get some arms, hands and a head in the meantime, but as I knew, kept their cool. One minute you start with a couple of legs and hips, the next there are two human beings sitting next to a pan of boiling water, silent, not moving.

So obviously me and my friend prepare our pasta, sit down at the same table as the two plastic grown humans and start eating, all the while making sure there’s water boiling. I start talking to the things, feel like I’m connecting. We spend the evening helping them with their homework, talking and having fun. My friend takes one of the things to do something on a computer and I take the other thing to get it to bed. It talked about being afraid, so I put on some boiling water and lie down next to it. I know the other one wants to kill me for sure, because it doesn’t like me spending time with this thing. I saw the fire in its eyes, but hey, I took the risk.

At some point we ended up downstairs again, all four of us. Now that I’m writing stuff down I wonder how come it didn’t turn into more things, but hey, I’m glad it didn’t, and as a bonus we’re all alive at this point in my dream. That is, I think we are. They could have killed my friend and put a plastic lookalike in their place, but let’s go with they didn’t. We had water boiling all the time after all. The thing I’d brought to bed had even put some on by itself, because it felt better with boiling water. I guess that could have given them time to kill and clone my friend…. Stop thinking nonsense, back to the dream, that’s weird enough as it is.

So we are downstairs. It’s dark outside and there’s a whole lot of smoke/mist out there. Ever seen smoke on stage? Better yet, nowadays supermarkets have some vapour coming down over the vegetables to keep them fresh or something. The mist from the streets was coming into the house. It was barely noticeable, but I saw it happen. When we looked to the floor we saw the stage smoke, above our heads it was more of a barely visible vapour. Scary as hell. We thought it would/could kill us and started to think about what to do when……poof…..dream change.

Me and the friend are with the thing that wanted to kill me, only it’s a girl now, not a plastic human. We’re in some kind of mall. The girl says she needs to use the bathroom and my friend says: “fine, I’ll come with”. The girl tried to run away before and we barely caught her, so my friend wants to make sure that’s not the case again. The girl turns around, I grab here wrist to tell here she’s not running away again. People start to help here, but I explain she’s trying to run away from home and I want to make sure she doesn’t. People leave us alone. End of dream(s).

I know I wanted to distract you, but after writing things down, my mind starts working. Maybe the mist is the fear I have, the fear we all have. My dream brought me to an everyday situation when I couldn’t think of a way out. Well maybe not an everyday situation, but one I could handle. Maybe my mind told me not to worry about things I can’t change, but do things I can control instead. Let’s all do that. Do the things you can do to keep you and your loved ones safe and let the people that can worry about the mist.

To quote something that helps me a lot…. “The sun will come out, tomorrow…..”

Love dreamer

Loads of water

So last night my dreams were weird once more. As if there is any other kind with me. Let’s start at the beginning of what I remember. I’m in a hurry to catch the bus to work. I need to get there early, because I’ve got to work half an hour extra since I left early in Wednesday (for real. The things you take into account in your dreams, right?). I was all dressed up and late, so I go to the supermarket. (Dream logic is the worst)

Now before I go on… My dream combined two things I’ve seen on TV. Augmented reality and Spiderman far from home. For those that don’t know… Augmented reality is where something is recorded and with the magic of technology you see more than is recorded as a viewer. The put in another background, people, UFO’s, planes, you think of it, they do it. It is special, because if cameras zoom in or out or if the move, the augmented reality reacts like real reality.

Then Spiderman. I don’t want to spoiler, so I’ll give you one word and if you’ve seen it you’ll know what it is that combined with my dream. Drones. There. Now back to the dream.

While in front of the supermarket I heard a lot of noise above me. I look to the sky and see several blimps flying over us. I know they’re not real. It is a commercial stunt. The only thing going through my head is: “what a cool way of advertising your supermarket!” The next moment I’m inside asking my partner to please give me a ride to work, since I’ll arrive way to late if I’ll take the bus. They will, but will have to take care of something first.

They start talking to a cashier. Somehow my partner has a whole lot of coins and wants the cashier to exchange those for bills. They where already working on it, but it took forever! I somehow had bills as well, so I suggested partner and I could exchange instead. Nope, we could not. I would have to wait patiently, while they exchanged money.

I walked past them, around a corner. There was a corridor with some doors on the right. The first door had a metal fencing like the ones you can pass on sidewalks. Lots of space to pass between the bars. I went in the door and had a pirate adventure. It wasn’t real, Just like the blimps. I can’t tell you what kind of adventure, because I forgot. I know I had fun and ended in an ocean. I went back to the door, remembering I needed to get to work. I swam to the door, swung myself through the bars of the fence and started running to my partner. Then I remembered I’d brought bags with me. I went back in the water (that was real, because I was drenched), took my bags and went back through the door.

In mere matter of minutes the fence had been enhanced with barbed wire. I had to find a way through without ripping my clothes and somehow managed to do it! Back to my partner, on to work. At this point there’s a change of scenery. I’m in a corridor with a couple of people and I notice water dripping down in one of the corners. A leak! (I’ve got one at home for real. I live in a nightmare so it’s only fair that nightmare appeared in my dream.)

I need to find out where the water is coming from, so I open the door that should lead to a staircase. I want to get to the room straight above the leak. No stairs. How… I know it’s the right door. The person next to me said it was the wrong door, so more doors were opened, but without the desired effect. We closed all doors and I start counting. I open the same door as before, sure this should be the one, but it has a different interior than before. Lots of open spaces like the drawings with stairs that are walked on from above en underneath. So weird!

That’s the moment I woke up. I remembered the dream throughout the day, so that should tell you enough. Well that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed it.

Love dreamer

Sunday/monday hypothesis

The titel might be sunday/monday hypothesis, but I have to be honest with you… I don’t know if it really is a hypothesis. I don’t know if it means what I think it means and I was to lazy to look it up, so I went with it. And even if I don’t use the word correctly, it sure as hell makes for a fancy title, so there’s at least that.

I can almost hear you think: “Stop talking about the title, start talking about this maybe hypothesis of yours. Let is decide if you thought of a correct title!”. You’re right, so here I go…..

I have noticed a recurrent phenomenon for a couple of weeks now. Every monday I have trouble getting to work. Not because I hate work and would like the weekend to last forever, (although that would be great as long as the money would keep coming in even though I don’t work, because if not I could still het by for a little while, but hoe would I pay for food and stuff) but because I honestly have trouble waking up and staying awake!

So this happened week after week. Colleagues started to notice I was always a bit of on monday. They started to ask questions, questions I could not answer. “Why are you always more curt on monday?” “Why do you look so tired today?” “Are you oke? You are so quiet.” After a while of stating I just hadn’t slept all that well I started wondering…. It seems that most of the time I don’t sleep well is sunday night. Why?

At one point I figured that it may have something to do with the fact that the weekend had a different ‘vibe’. Every work day is more or less the same. I get up early, go through my morning routine, cycle to work, het through work, cycle home (sometimes getting some last minute grocery shopping done on the way there), spending the evening talking with my partner or to my partner, depending on wat’s on the tv, sometimes an appointment to go see someone and go to bed on time because the alarm will wake me early next morning. Not that exciting, I know, but I like it that way.

On saturday and sunday that routine goes out the window. Appointments are made, fun is had. In short, all excitement is experienced in those two days. Well actually most of the Times if even just starts on saturday evening, because my partner had to work on that Day as well, so I clean the house during the day. Is it really that strange sleep doesn’t come easy after all excitement is over and I have to prepare for work the next day? No I guess not.

I think I’ve gotten proof of concept this week. You are, both my partner and I are free on thursday. Yesterday was a busy one, loads of shopping done, going out for dinner, a lovely Day, but lots of excitement to ‘work through’. Last night was a bad one, so…..

Conclusion, after loads of stimuli my brain has trouble working through them, resulting in waking up several Times and having trouble getting to sleep (again). The weekend had most stimuly, espacially the way my week workshop, so sunday night tends to be a bad one.

Now you tell me: 1) did I use the word hypothesis right? 2) am I the only person that had this problem? 3) do you think I came to the right conclusion?

Sweet dreams 😉

Love, dreamer

Best Friends

Do you remember your best friend(s) from when you where a teen? I remember mine. The memories I have a warm ones.

I hear about childhood friendships that last forever. You met on the playground and after years of friendship you end up doing walker races in the halls of the home you both ended up in. I have friends of that caliber, but my best friend from when I was a teen doesn’t belong to that category. I didn’t know that back then and it does not matter that it isn’t one of those friendships, it was a good one all the same.

I loved spending time together and as far as I know so did he. We did all sorts of things including pretending to be vampire slayers on the playground in the evening when none of the little kids played there. As far as I knew we knew everything there was to know about each other. No one could ever know me as well as he did.

I loved every second of our time together, but there came a time when the friendship ended. Nothing dramatic, it was Just done. Around that time I met my partner and with that I found a new best friend, one that became to know me better than my best friend from when I was that teen ever did. Not that that’s strange, this telationship goes deeper than the other could go.

It has been years since I was that teen. I still think about my best friend with warmth in my heart and wondering hoe he is doing. I would love to bump into him at one point and to go have a drink and catch up, but I don’t think that will happen. I have this feeling it is a onesided wish.

This week I met him though, but not in real life. I bumped into him in one of my dreams and it was wonderfull. To bad the environment of my dreams was hostile, we didn’t get drinks, we talked strategy on hoe to stay alive, bit none the less, when I woke up it felt great to have seen him again, even if he was a figment of my imagination.

On another note…. Typing this blog and thinking back on the dream a question popped up. My dreams seem to be dark and violent quite often, why is that I genuinly wonder. Well enough of that thought.

Friendships, even when they don’t last. That friendship brought me so much, I Will always cherish it. I van only hope you have known/know/will know such a friendship.

Love dreamer

Shared accounts

I’ll start by letting you in on a little secret, because I don’t remember doing so before. Some of you know this, and some of you might have figures it out, but I made up my Facebook name, why? Because I had to be a real person, so public dreamer was not accepted as a name for my account. I am a real person, but I don’t want to write using my real name, so Felicity was ‘born’.

I am not that skilful when I need to use social media, so if there would have been another option for Facebook I could have used, I couldn’t find it. Sorry.

Why the confession? That has to do with something I did yesterday. Let me start at the beginning:

Years ago I refused to make a Facebook account. Why would I need one, I didn’t see the point. My sister however thought I did need one so she made me one. Let that be a lesson: make sure your siblings don’t have the password of your e-mail account. When talking on the phone she nonchalantly told me: “by the way, you are on Facebook too” when I told her I would delete the account she told me she would make another one if I did. Well what could I do!?!

I could have changed the password to my e-mail account, but I have a feeling she would have made An e-mail account just to make a Facebook account in my name. And thus it came to pass… I became a Facebook user. Not that I used it that much, but I started using it for the choir and stuf. I liked it.

My partner didn’t want An account either so they started using mine. They had permission and at first it truly didn’t bother me. They forwarded the occasional post from his employer, but it was still obciously my Facebook page. After a while they started liking sites, forwarding posts that related to their cycling and even started commenting on those posts. My partner used my Facebook account more than I did.

After endless asking to create a seperate account I had enough of sharing my Facebook account and I did something about it. Contrary to my situation years ago I don’t know the password to my partners e-mail account, so that option was out. Then I decided on just changing mine. My partner had used it so much it was practically theirs already, so I fidled until I found the right part of my account and changed my name to that of my partner. I changed the profile picture and banner, I changed the date of birth and everything else I could find. Then I told my partner to go on Facebook.

Did they like it. I think so. The only comment I got was: I could have made my own account. This one is connected to your e-mail. So I changed that as well and my partner changed the password. I made a new account for myself, so now we both have an account. It feels good to have my page to myself again.

Love dreamer

The Barber of Seville

Today I Will be going to my first ever opera and I am very excited about it!

I tried to dress for the occasion, but I am not shure if I did it right. Please tell me if I chose wrong, so I van take that into account if I go to another opera.

Most people (man and woman) where pants, but I like to dress when I go to the theatre. The people on stage make an afford to entertain me, so dressing up is the least I could do. The show had yet to start and I have no idea what to expect. The show is in Italian, but luckily for me it has ‘subtitles’ running above.

I’ve finished my coffee, so I’ll head to my seat. It will take some time for me to see the whole thing and get back to this blog, but you….. You can just read on and find out hoe my first encounter with an opera went.

Intermission, on my own, a drink in hand. Normally I would be watching people, but today I write. I loved the first act. It’s not a heavy opera, it had so much gest in it! I love it! Sure I don’t understand a word, the ‘subtitles’ helps a lot, even though they only translate the basics.

Upon finding my seat I heard the orchestra tuning. Only two rows of people in front of me I enjoyed watching the musicians warm up. Slowly more walked into the pit and the sound grew more and more complete. The conducter came out, we all applauded and the show started….

From the moment it began al the way to the intermission my attention was held by the music and the characters on stage. Not long after it began I heard an aria we all know (at least I think there can’t be anyone alive that doesn’t know it)…. Figaro. And for the first time ever I know what they are singing about!

The only anoying thing about it…. The woman behind me. They keep discussing what is happening on stage. Why!!! Just watch and enjoy. I don’t need to hear you talk about the ‘subtitles’ not working. Ever listen to music? There’s a lot of repeat in songs. If they put all of that in the ‘subtitles’ you would keep busy reading instead of watching. And the worst part about these women, after the intermission they had the nerve to ask another woman to turn of her phone, because the light bothered them. The. Curtains where still closed at this point. Sigh….

I’ve seen the whole thing now and I loved it. I will definitely go see another opera. We gave them a standing ovation afterward. Did you ever notice the following: everyone starts out clapping in their own rithm, but you allways end clapping in the same rithm.

I’ve had a blast! This theatre pass is one of the best things that ever happened to me! Tomorrow another musical, I have such a difficult life ;p. For now a last cup of tea, take of my make-up, brush my teeth and go to bed. Tonight I will certainly dream of love and idiotic plots to get together with the one you love. I can’t wait…

Love dreamer

Theatre

I love theater, but let’s be honest, that is not a cheap thing to love. Every once in a while my partner and I go to a musical or play, but not often.

There are so many shows I would like to go to, but there are a couple of reasons why I don’t. For one, I don’t earn enough money to go to all the shows I want to see. Then there is the fact that my partner doesn’t want to see everything I would like to go to. If we both want to see the same thing the date had to fit the scedule of the sportsteam my partner supports. Let’s be honest, going without company is not as much fun.

Sure during the show it’s ok, but waiting for it to start and during the intermission it gets quite lonely. Not that it stopped me from going, it’s Just less fun. Afterward it is nice to have someone to talk to about the thing you just experienced.

Then something wonderful happened. I die not het rich and my partner still won’t go to all the shows I want to see, but it got easier for me to go. How? That story begins when the father of my partner gets an offer je can’t refuse. Nothing indecent mind you.

There is this pilot going on where about 900 people het the opportunity to test a theatre pass. A handfull of theatres are connected to this initiative. You pay a fixed privé each month and in return you van visit as many shows as you like at the connected theatres. He subscribed for a pass and sugested his wife for another pass. You van suggest people on the site and if there is a spot left they get the opportunity to register as well!

And that is where I come in. My partners mum gave them the e-mail address of my partner and my partner decided I would be better suited for the pass. We signed me up! Tonight I have my first show.

The pass makes it easier to go alone, you already paid for the thing, so you want to use it. And the best thing is… You don’t het the cheapest tickets! You have to wait until 30 days before the show to order tickets, and when you do you get the best seat available at that moment.

Tonight I go see my first show. Next week I will go to my first opera! I can’t wait to see al those wonderful things, so who knows, this might not be the last thing you hear of it.

Love, Dreamer

Am I actually doing this?

Am I actually doing this?
This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears?

No really, am I?

I changed choirs, so no I sing rock music instead of musical and I got an e-mail that I can go do the course I told you about . I even actually applied for a job I could do with that course! (hope I did not jinx it)

Am I going crazy? Cold sweat is gathering people, loads of it.

Here I am, past my thirties, a great partner, a house to pay for, a job (even though it is a temp job, I am on contract by the agency, so reasonably safe) and bills to pay.
All of a sudden I decide to step off the path. AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!!

I admire people who take risks, but let’s be honest: I am not one to do so.
At least I never was. Safety has always been the choice for me. This is all so exciting but sooooooooo frightening at the same time.

Since I decided to step of the path I have been doubting. I mean, the path I was walking on was safe. Someone found a path through life, smoothed it, even made sure there is asphalt on it for my convenience and made sure I would not encounter danger I could not handle and wat do I do?
I wander of the path. I decide to get into the woods (hopefully not like the musical, because I don’t want people to die because of the wandering I do).

This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears (yep another musical)?
Will I be able to fight them off? I am pretty sure I will lose if I pick a fight with them though.

Really girl, get a grip!!!! So what if I encounter anything new. The first thing to try is making friends with it if it is alive. I can decide what to do other than that when it does not want to be friends. The path I was on may have brought me to my death safely, but with my partner at my side every path is a path I can take! Who knows, maybe I will find my El Dorado 😀

And yes, I realise that it sound like I think I could never be happy or go anywhere without my partner. I know I can get there on my own, I would have the strength to survive and find my way, but let’s be honest. It is more fun if you have someone by your side even though they are capable of driving you crazy. Maybe it is because of the capability to drive you crazy, I don’t know. The only thing I know is that at this moment I want to spend the rest of my life with them, and as far as I know that is mutual.

As far as the crazy parts in this blog, the getting of the path and crazy driving partner….
Life would be dull without crazy, so I think I am on the right path. A scary one……. But the right one. Let’s start the adventure!

Love dreamer

Career change?

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. I have found I choir in my city to join and I told people at my current choir I would stop singing there.
Yes current choir, because they have a ‘show’ next weekend, where I will sing my song one last time so they won’t have to rearrange everything, but it will be the last for me with them.

My ego got a boost, because they told me they would rather not see me go and I almost let myself be talked out of leaving, but I have to…. Don’t I?
Yes I do, I am sure of it, the more I think, the more I know it is what I have to do.

So that change will happen. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.
Well no, not really last week, I knew this is what I want since I had to decide my career, but it was too expensive. Now I will try and go ahead with the choice I made then.

I decided to get a diploma to get a job at a funeral parlour.
I know it sounds creepy, but my idea behind it is that you can make a difference for the people that have to deal with a loss.

Sure it won’t be a sunshine job, but I have lost people over the last few years that where close and their funerals where an important part off the closure.
I want to help people like that, even if they don’t know I am the one helping.
No spotlight, just work.

Maybe I am crazy, but still I have wanted this for years. There is a course to get a diploma in it, so that is my start. I signed up for it. Now I have to wait for a yes from them and then I will be able to walk a step further. I hope my steps will lead me to where I want to be. I don’t doubt that you will get to read about this journey through my blog 😀

I am so glad I have taken the first step, and I almost thought it would not happen, or cost my relationship.
When I learned about the course I told my partner, to discuss the cost and all (after all we both need to agree to expenses) and instead of the “go for it!” I got the  “are you sure?”. My partner doubts, and not because of the money, but because of the hours. They will become irregular if I find a job doing this. I don’t mind, but I get the hesitation.

My partner needed time to think, so I waited…. Waiting is not that easy, your mind takes control and all of a sudden it started to wander, what if they say no, I don’t want you to pursue that career? Would that mean I had to choose between being happy with the person I love and the job I wanted for so long? Cold sweat.
Luckily he said yes, go get your diploma, and so I send the e-mail to make my interest known and now I am awaiting a response to tell me I can or can’t participate.
Keep your fingers crossed please.

Love dreamer

Showing your heart

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. Who would have thought singing could do this!

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. It started in a train on my way home with a colleague. We were talking about things we like/love to do. Remember I told you before (even though people who do not know me well enough might not agree) that I am very self-conscious and always afraid to make a fool of myself without intending to. I told my colleague I dreamed of being an actress/musical star when I was younger, but fear kept me from pursuing that dream.

As we talked he asked me what I wanted to do most, acting or singing. I told him it did not matter and that is how things changed. He was part of an orchestra that was about to put on a show, and for this show they needed a choir. He asked me to come along for his meeting with a choir they asked to be a part of this and I agreed. He cancelled on coming along just before we were supposed to meet at the rehearsal of this choir and I ended up going there on my own.

I felt so sick when entering the building, shaking hands with one of the members and sitting down to talk to her about this choir and the fact that I could try out and become a part of it. I wanted to turn around and run, but I didn’t.
The other members started arriving and gave me such a warm welcome (yet cold sweat was still an issue for me) that I went through with the rehearsal. I joked about being there to get them to sing off key, but it went rather well. I felt so good afterward!!!

Who would have thought singing could do this! I sang at home, where no-one could hear me, safe. Then some years before I took this step, some dear friends of mine got me to sing along with one of these singing games (my first time not singing at home or school) and I loved those, but this…. It is so much different if you sing as part of a whole I cannot describe the feeling.

It felt good to be a part of this group of people, and I learned a lot with them, but being self-confident was not one of those things. Most people in there are so good I felt small and I relied on others instead of myself. Plus I figured I wanted to act as well as sing, so I said my goodbyes to these wonderful people and left to find a group that acted as well.

I found such a group, not in my city, but near. They made me feel welcome as well and it felt good becoming a part of them. They were preparing for a play and I became part of it. I started to feel more and more confident about my singing and had lots of fun. Some people left the group and one of those people sang a couple of songs that were important for the play. Those songs needed new singers and one of those songs is very dear to me, because of my father. There was to be an audition for who would sing it.

Back at my first choir I had auditioned, but afterward I felt sooooooo bad, I said I would never do that again. For this song at my new choir I reconsidered an auditioned. And guess what I got to sing the song!!!!!

A couple of months have passed since the play took place, and I truly loved it and the people I sing with, but…
I feel more and more reluctant at going there, so I have to decide, do I stay at the choir (I have been to three rehearsals since the beginning of this year) or do I stop there.

Today I reached a decision, and they don’t know this yet, but I have decided to stop singing there. My partner told me I need my relaxation and knows choir brings that for me, so he did not agree, until I told him that I will go on singing, but in our own town. I’ll find another choir, stop thinking about the acting (this choir was still more of a choir than a musical group) and be content with singing.

I may not be the best singer (I need training, but that takes money), but I enjoy it, so I will keep doing this. Singing (acting) is showing people your heart. It took me a long time before I had the courage to do this, but I don’t want to shut it away again, so new choir, here I come!!!!

Love dreamer