I froze with fear last night!!!!

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly…

Now that that is out, it makes a good title as well, so I’ll leave it there.

Don’t worry, nothing dangerous happened or anything. No burglar, no fire, no nothing.
I froze with fear because of the most scary thought you can have, at least, I think it is.
Before I tell you my thought I’ll give you another insight in my life, and I think you can guess what it is I feared.

I might like to be on my own and favour a small gathering above a huge one (or even just a bigger one than small), but I have found the person I want to share my life with.
Not just now…. Quite some years ago. Luckily for me, up to now the feeling seems to be mutual (you never know) and I take every day I can to enjoy that love.

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly… No it was not that sudden, it had to do with something we talked about before we went to sleep, but I do not remember quite what it was, just that it triggered this thought. (Imagination I have enough of, but memory, boy I stood waaaaaaaay back in line when that got handed out).

Where was I, right, when suddenly….. I realized this could be gone in a heartbeat. I have seen it happen, people losing the love of their life. It could happen. Just the thought of losing my partner and being left behind….. It completely froze me for a second or two. The chill around my heart was soooooooo….. And all the hairs on my body stood up, and my mind wanted to shut down.

At that point I realised, if this is what I feel with my love next to me, at just the thought of losing them, how do the people I know go on with their lives after the real deal. I mean I’ve seen it real close by, the loss of a love with who lives and homes where shared. The people I know are brave and live their lives with this loss. They are in pain about it I am sure, and their lost loves will always be a part of them and their life, but they live, they go on!!!!!

So here is a shout-out and a super big hug to all those who found the strength of mind and body to live without the person that once made their world revolve. I have got great respect for what you are doing, even if it is said that you have to live your life because you are not the one who died, because a part of you died that day. You can be proud of yourself for finding the strength to go on and I hope you will keep doing so.

If you are reading this and you have lost your love, but don’t know where to get the strength and have (part) given up, I hope you find the strength to go on and make something of the rest of your life, but I won’t judge you if you don’t.

Love dreamer

Sugary drink anyone?

That time of year is there again. You see a bright red truck in every commercial break. You know for sure the end of the year is near. Make every day a special one, we can do it. We can make the world a better place.

That time of year is there again. You see a bright red truck in every commercial break. You know for sure the end of the year is near.

I love this time of year, but why can’t it last all year? Not the trees and lights and presents, no the spirit! For me Christmas is not about presents of anything, it is about being together with people you love. I try to be together with them throughout the year as much as I can (even though as you could have read before I like being on my own a lot as well).

Most people I come across in the streets look so much more cheerful than they do the other months. I wonder if it is just me. Maybe it is something I want to see because of all the movies and commercials that show us how special this time of year is, but a truly think people look happier.

Read carefully here!!! LOOK happier. Maybe they have pretty great masks, who knows. Mine is pretty great. Not many people see what is behind it, so why can’t other people do the same right? But maybe they truly are happier this time of year. I can’t explain why, but I feel better in December, while the rest of the ‘dark’ months are a struggle. Right now everything oozes warmth and I love it. The cheesier the better.

Can December please last forever? Let’s make it happen together. Even without the lights and stuff, be that extra bit cheery to people we don’t know. Smile even if we don’t feel it, because you know what….. if I feel like crap, I smile to everyone I meet. Just smile, that’s all. There are people that look at you like you are planning a murder, but most of them……… smile back! That smile makes me feel better for real, so my smile probably made them feel better to.

I don’t want to tell you not to have or show other feelings, feel free to, feelings are not meant to be kept inside, but when you feel like you could do with warmth, smile. A smile can warm a heart, so smile, even if you don’t feel it right away, because the chain reaction it creates will turn it into a heartfelt one.

Make every day a special one, we can do it. We can make the world a better place. Even if we are with just a few. Don’t think it won’t make a difference, because if you don’t try/do you never know what could have come from it.

Love dreamer

Social?

Sometimes I wonder why I socialize. I doubt it was the last time I wondered why I go out and meet people though…..

Sometimes I wonder why I socialize. This evening was one of the moments.

On my way to friends on a bicycle in the rain I wondered why I always plan to go out and do things.
Don’t get me wrong, I like these people a lot, that is why I want to see them, but cycling through the rain I still wondered.
It was cold and since I wear glasses I could not see where I was going. If you don’t wear those it takes some explaining so let me paint a picture (or at least try).

To see wat I see without glasses you need to take a look at your camera, the moment it is out of focus. You see your surroundings, but it is all a blur. That is what I see if my glasses are off. When on my way to these friends  it was dark/evening, so seeing will be difficult even when wearing glasses. I wanted you to know what I see without so you know taking them off is not an option. Now the rain. It gets on you glasses like they are windows. All lights in the vicinity get blinding at that point. Try looking through a drop of water into the light and you get some sort of orb. So not seeing without glasses and trying to look through light orbs with them on it is always quite an adventure cycling through the rain in the dark. And a dangerous one at that.

So cycling, not seeing too much of where I was going I thought: “Why?” I would have been perfectly happy not going out. Lying on the couch in my pj’s with a nice book or YouTube or something like that.

If I could I would never get out. Meeting people is exhausting most of the time. Even though I get energy from being with my friends, it is the people and surroundings I don’t know that take much more than any of my friends can give. Yet I will get out, because how could I call it living all on my own?

At one point in my life I wanted to be a hermit, my brother laughed and told me I could never be one. I think he had a point, because I am terrified of creepy crawlers and I don’t know anything about taking care of myself by growing my own food and stuff, but it seemed like the most wonderful thing ever. Being on my own, taking care of myself and if I got sick, well I’d better be able to help myself, or I’d die.

Children and their idea’s. I met a great person and lost my heart. There goes the possibility to be alone, because I would not be happy without this person (but if it would make them happy to be without me, I would rather be unhappy than together, because they should be happy).
I have a lot of friends so I am blessed and that is why I go out and socialize. I had a great time tonight, so it was worth it, again. I doubt it was the last time I wondered why I go out and meet people though…..

Love
dreamer

Dream

We start at a beautiful house amidst a sea of trees. I will not be the only one staying over, but I like everyone that will be there, so why not. That evening when Ethan is in bed we sit outside by the fire and talk about the discovery Melissa made.

Let’s do my name some justice. Dreams are a way of your brain to deal with things. I will give you a chance to analyse the one I woke up from. The characters have improvised names, created by an online generator,  for better reading.

We start at a beautiful house amidst a sea of trees. It is made of stone, not those red bricks, but those nice grey/brown stones that have different sizes There is enough room for three or more families to live there, but when you drive up to it you think you see a nice small cottage. Because there is no one around for miles there is lots of room for children to play, which is a good thing, because a friend of mine lives there, and she has a little boy.

I will not be the only one staying over, but I like everyone that will be there, so why not. We have all been friends since we were kids, so I looked forward to seeing Patrick, Rafael and Vivian as well. Upon arrival I get a very warm welcome from Melissa and her six year old son Ethan. I am the first to arrive and happy to be there. The outside might look rustic, but once inside you forget you are in the middle of nowhere. It is quite a sight, all walls are white glass, the chairs are crème coloured leather with a metal base and the tables are made of glass. All cabinets are worked into the walls, so you barely notice them.
The kitchen is one of those family places with a high nut-brown counter with matching leather high chairs where everyone can sit and eat and a cooking area a professional would gladly use.
Every room in the house has its own style. Then there is the seating area you get to when you walk out of the kitchen door. Outside there is a nice place to lounge. Long standing lamps along the wall for when you need some extra light and a stone circle to make a ‘campfire’.
I love this house.

Melissa tells me she has discovered something. She is not sure what it is, but she would like to show me. There is something I should know first. What she is about to share should not be seen. She discovered that looking at it is dangerous, so I have to close my eyes. She found this ‘thing’ some time ago, but is not sure what it is.
I am excited, ‘show me already will you!’. We go into the living room. Melissa tells me to close my eyes while she gets a remote control and closes her eyes as well. One of the walls opens up. Behind it there is some sort of television screen. Even though my eyes are closed it is as if I have them open and am looking to a screen of static. Ethan walks into the room and sits on the ground in front of the screen, looking at it, not closing his eyes like his mum told him to. There is a wonderful melody coming from the screen and within the static, lines are visible, words and pictures alternate. I have no idea what it is I am seeing or hearing, but I feel more relaxed than ever.

After a while Melissa closes the wall and we open our eyes. “That is quite an experience” I say. She agrees and we talk about her discovery for a while.

After everyone else has arrived we have a great time together. We talk, we laugh, we eat, we relax. Ethan makes everyone laugh like only a kid can with stories and goofing around.
That evening when Ethan is in bed we sit outside by the fire and talk about the discovery Melissa made. We have all seen it and none of us has a clue as to what it could be. At one point I ask her if it is not dangerous to have something unknown in the house. We all start to agree that it might be dangerous and maybe it is not good for Ethan to be around it. After all if you can’t look at it, how well will Ethan listen to being told he should not. And what happens if you look? At that point one of the standing lamps falls down, taking some cables with it and creating loads of sparks from hot wires. I launch at the thing, find the button to turn it off and click it. The danger has passed.  “What the hell has just happened?” Rafael wonders. Before we can respond however the lamp gets turned on again. “How is this possible, you just clicked the button did you not?” Vivian asks, “I did!” None of us know what tot think of this, but we all agree it is creepy.  Patrick clicks the button once more and the lamp stops emitting sparks. We decide to go into the house.

We all think the same. Do not talk about how strange this is, gather your things and LEAVE THE HOUSE. So we all start gathering our stuff while talking about nonthreatening things like the weather. The house feels different now. The feeling of serenity has been taken over by the earie feeling of being watched from the shadows. While getting ready to leave we hear footsteps on the stairs. Ethan is standing there, tears in his eyes. “Are we leaving mummy? He does not want us to leave, we have to stay.” Now we know for sure none of us want to stay here a minute longer. Melissa grabs Ethan around the waist, we take wat we have at hand and we walk out of the door like he whole place is on fire. Light starts flickering, loud music starts playing, the whole house has just come to life. Outside I decide to call the police, but right before I press the button to light up my screen Rafael says: “You have been charging you phone in there have you not?” All of us look around, trying to figure what the others are thinking. I press the button, there is only static visible, a feeling of doom spreads through my body………

And at that point I woke up. I can tell you, the feeling of doom lingered even when I awoke. I tried hard not to think about anything, so I could remember as much as possible to share with you. I started out typing key words, so I could not forget the mayor points of the dream and I think it is typed up quite accurate, but putting on paper what I saw in my dreams is not easy, because the details leave my mind so soon. Still I hope you enjoyed my dream. Maybe you can figure out its meaning, if it has one. I am terrible at that kind of thing. I blame it on the books I read, the shows I watched and the alcohol I drank at a party yesterday (and no, I was not drunk, three glasses of red wine on an entire evening and enough food throughout the day). There is only one thing on my mind right now, I hope I don’t get trapped inside that house ever again, because it gave me the creeps.

Love
Dreamer

Loss

At times I feel guilty for not crying. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

Remember Bambi? The moment his mother gets shot. I cried, as did loads of other people. Same when Mufasa died. And ET, the moment he got sick and later when he went home, I was crying like crazy. As soon as a movie or series gets a little emotional I get a lot emotional.
Sometimes I even get emotional over nothing at all. It probably happens when there are a lot of emotions inside of me I am not really aware of, but it can be quite awkward. You are watching a comedy, someone walks into a lamppost, everyone is laughing, I am crying.

This happens to me quite often, but I try my best not to show this when there are people around. It does not feel very comfortable to cry when people see you. I guess you can relate to that. The blotches that you get on your face and the strange angles your lips, nose and eyes can get when you really lose yourself in crying.

Not too long ago I lost someone dear to me. It was the second time I lost someone very close to me. Not close like friend close, close like family close. I had lost uncles and aunts and sorts, but this was living in the same house close. Now if I can cry when someone hits a lamppost then I should be able to cry when I lose someone close to me right?

Wrong. I do not know why, but crying over the loss just does not happen like I thought it would. I cried at the funeral and the days leading up to the funeral, but with both losses I blanked more than I cried.

At times I feel guilty for not crying. Did I not love them enough to grieve over them? I tell you, I know I did. Still do. They meant the world to me, but crying is a rare thing that happens when I think about them. Most of the times it feels empty of like they never left. Next time I go over to their houses they will be there. I know they won’t be, but it does not feel like they are gone. Is that why I cry so little.

It took me two whole years to somewhat understand the first loss. Will it take as long for the recent one? I surely hope not, because I doubt it is healthy, but it is what it is.
I told myself to show how I feel, even when I am in public, and I do when it comes to these losses, it is just…. It seems like I do not feel.

How did I come to writing this? This weekend I broke down a little over the last loss. It took about ten minutes. The first three were intense, then it quickly subsided. It felt good to break a little, it felt human. In typing this I found an answer I did not find earlier in asking myself if I am just a heartless human being. I know I have a heart and even though I say so myself, I think it is a good one.

I have known I have a heart from the moment I wondered why there is little emotion. Now I know. It is not the fact that I don’t love them. The emptiness I feel is there because when they died they took a piece of my heart. Not big enough to leave me heartless, but big enough for them to always have a place to stay. I get the piece they took back when I join them. I feel so much love and pride for them, that the tears that are certainly there will always be followed by a smile. My mind is ahead of my tears and starts smiling when I think of them, rather than crying.

Maybe I live through it as if being a small child. The little ones grieved, but had this great ability to bounce. The day of the loss one of them came to me and told me that his grandpa died, he was a little star now. There we are, back at the Lion King where Mufasa tells SIma that the great Kings of the past look down on us from those stars and will always be there to guide us.

I know there will certainly be times when I shall cry, but those times will be few. The love I feel for them however, will be there all the time…. Forever.

 

Love
Dreamer