Dreams again

This is actually the blog I made for last week, but instead of typing I used a voice to text app. Sounded smart, but when I wanted to get it ready for the net…. Let’s just say I am late because this turned into a jigsaw puzzle. I don’t recall everything from the dreams, that’s why I used the app to begin with, but it recorded other words than I said, so……. I hope you can make something of it, but I can understand if you stop reading before the end, so just in case you won’t get there, let me say this: Love, Dreamer.

Okay I had a dream last night and two the night before. I’m starting with the one from last night because that’s the most disturbing one I think.

My dad is somehow alive because of some sci-fi thing that happened or something. He had come back from the dead. We had enjoyed his company a while longer than we would have if the sci-fi thing hadn’t happened in my dream. I forgot what it was, just that it was a sci-fi solution.

So my dad had been back with us and the first thing I remember in my dream is him standing in the middle of a room where doctors were present as well. He gets this funny look on his face, grabs hold of his chest, stands with his legs apart and topples over just like that. A doctor walks towards him and without doing anything declares him dead. The Sci-Fi thingy stopped working, it’s all the time we had left. We don’t know that at first and I think: “oh no my dad, I’ve lost him” and I feel a great loss. Then I start remembering the Sci-Fi thing, that makes me feel better because we had more time than we should have had.

So the next thing that happened in my dream (and this is the biggest portion of my dreams, my dad toppling over was just a small part) my phone rang and I thought ts was my boss (an elderly man). In my dream there’s this event planned and I would take participate since I was part of the organisation. I had this sentence I had to say in a place where I had to stand and all things would intertwine. It made sense in my dreams, not when I’m telling you in my diary. So I’m on the phone with my boss, I tell him what happened and I’ll see him tomorrow to talk about the event that will be taking place the day after tomorrow and my boss tells me: “you’re not coming in tomorrow!”. I tell him yes, he tells me no. I am to stay at home tomorrow to think about what happened, to feel my feelings. In real life I went to work when I shouldn’t, when I should take time for emotions. Stopping to ‘feel’ is something I don’t do, working is lot easier than thinking. At least I think so, and then when I get to work it turns out I can’t concentrate and I can go home again. But in my dream my boss won, I didn’t go to work because my boss told me not to come.

The day after tomorrow I went to work. I listened to the tomorrow part after all, so the day after tomorrow is free game. I thought it was my boss that told me I couldn’t come to work, but it turned out it wasn’t. It was his father. My boss didn’t like me to start with and when I got to work I heard everyone gossiping about my boss not being too happy with me in losing my father and not coming to work and then my boss comes. He says: “follow me please, we need to talk.” There’s no need to be doing nothing while talking, so we’re going to work as well and we get to this stable I guess. He rinses off a pin to put on your nose and hands it to me. He already has one on his nose. It’s more like a clamp.

We go to work and there he goes telling me all the things that went wrong and I don’t recall what he was telling me I just recall feeling like crap for a second, then something else happened, and that’s something I don’t have in real life. I told him off. I told him how wrong he was, how I gave everything I had working for him. He always got 100%. I don’t know what happened after that there’s just one dream I recall after that, and I don’t think it’s related to this one, because we were driving around. We passed this house that burned to the ground and we talked about that house. Somehow that was where someone we loved had lived and I think it might have been the elderly man I had been talking to earlier in the dream. That means it would be the same dreams as where dad died.

Apparently the burned down house was one that was beloved by everyone in the car because it had been a place to rest when cycling and stuff like that. That’s truly the end of the dream because that’s when I woke up and I remember nothing else.

Now the night before I had two dreams. I lived in sort-off a fairy world with classes. These classes were literally on top of each other. The better your class was the higher up you were I was with some sort of woman and kids and we were hunted. We didn’t belong where we were. If we went on the street we took a risk of getting captured. There where people searching for us like child services or things like that. One time we went outside, into the woods, and then we got hunted down. Somehow we ended up in the marketplace with the whole group. We looked down over the railing to see if we could escape that way. There was a rope leading down. The woman in charge put one of the little kids inside a soldiers bag. The child fit, don’t ask me why, with enough room. I hung onto the rope the woman in charge hung onto me and the bag, and we slid down to the lowest level there was.

I think I mixed the levels up. The lower the level was, the better it was, because it was closer to the earth I guess. It makes no sense, but it’s the dream, so it doesn’t matter. At the lower level we split up and I went to a bunch of people’s to talk to them. I tried to look like I belonged. At some point a man walked up to me and started to talk to us, describing a female. They were trying to find the group that escaped from the higher level. He describe me and I kept looking at him like I was very confused about what he was saying, like I had nothing to do with the thing he was talking about. They bought it because they didn’t take me in.

I went to a house where I had been before. I remembered I had been on the lower levels and escaped them once before because this family that kept me hidden and made plans on how to get me up again. The family had moved, someone else live there now. I figured that out just in time and that’s where this dream ends I guess.

ln the next dreams my partner and I are walking through a wooded area. We pass a jeep and on the shadow side of the Jeep I notice a Spiderman doll. I don’t know where we are going, but I follow my partner. We go into the woods, there’s this cabin kind of thing. Maybe this is actually the same dream…. I thought they were separate, but maybe I was just fleeing from the same people as in the first dream. I don’t know how but my partner was there.

We enter this cabin. It looks like a big wooden treasure chest or something, only it had opened sides. We walk in to look around and I notice a clock. Everything inside the chest gives me a feeling of doom. It feels like in movies, when you know the action taken can only go bad. Both of us think: “oh no”. We want to get out, but all doors close, no way out anymore. Then There are three of us instead of just me and my partner.

There’s a recorded message playing that states the doors of this chests will be open exactly 15 seconds a day. Yeah we pick those 15 seconds to get in and be trapped! The message says that automatic guns will be shooting into the room regularly and we see this trail at our feet. Bullet holes in the floor, but only smack in the middle part, from one end to the other. We step to the sides as machine guns begin shooting and miss. Because they only shoot the same path over and over We’ll be safe on the sides. There are doors we can open and every door gets opened .I don’t open a single one mind you, I know better than that. I don’t watch thrillers or horror movies because I know every time you open a door…. well actually every time they open a door you get scared and you’re lucky to be alive and not ever had a heart attack.

Every time the others open a door they screamed in fear try to close doors. Behind every door are other people. Some of them are dead, but don’t seem to know this. Then at one point some of us or one of us, I don’t remember, notice there was this hatch leading to an attic or something. it was probably a good idea to open that…….as if! Thank you! So the Hatch gets opened and down comes this flow of water. It had been some kind of an aquarium room and all the water that comes down takes two people with it. Some of the people from the rooms are alive some are ghosts, I don’t recall. It was scary as hell.

Then my dream switches to a house on top of a cliff, where a girl waves. This girl has the ability to shift through dimensions I guess. She gets out of her house… sort of floats out of her house. The air around her is almost solid, not truly solid because she can move through it and it’s her doing. She changes the air.Tthat’s the dimension shifting I guess. She’s on her way to go and save us, or at least that’s what I think she’s going to do.

I can’t tell you if it’s really what she was going to do, because that’s when I woke up. Maybe she was the one that kept us there, who knows. I woke up. I try to remember as well as I can. This is what I can make of it. I’m not able to analyse this. I don’t know… I truly don’t know. Maybe you have any ideas, so tell me if you do, I’d love to hear your ideas. For now, have a great weekend, week or whatever you want. well that’s it for now, write to you later!

love
dreamer

Shopping Spree sequel

Today I went on another shopping Spree. Why? I needed shirts.

So this past week I have enjoyed wearing my new pants, but the shirts I wore with Them….

I have trouble eating without getting food on my clothes and with some foods you het grease stains that won’t come out. Well two of the shirts I put on had such stains.

Then there is the fact that I own a lot of shirts, but I only wear a select view and most shirts are short sleeved. So the shirts without stains that are wearable in winter are….. How do I put this nicely….. Grubby. So it was time to get new shirts to go with the pants.

Best step…. Finaly het my cupboard sorted and get rid of the things I never wear. Trust me, more than half of what I own would het thrown out. Or at least should get thrown out.

Will it happen? Will I take my time to sort through all my old clothes? Stay tuned and maybe you will find out 😉

Love dreamer

Message?

So let me tell you about this day I have had…. I wonder if there is a massage there I should pick up on.

It started in the morning. I was riding my bike to work. Nothing special, but I had only travelled about a fifth of the way when….

I was on a main road, there was a crosswalk, but the person using it was just starting to cross it from the opposite side of the street, so I could ride on. On the lane going in the other direction a van was waiting for the person to cross, on my right a car was waiting for the moment he could get out of the side street. I passed the crosswalk and……… a car that came from the left side street had decided to take the chance even though the van kept him from seeing if the road was clear. This car managed to stop just a few centimetres from my bike.
Close call, don’t stop your bike, go on, you need to go to work.

Work was as it always is, nothing special, nothing to talk about here. On the way back home on my bike however….. Just a few blocks away from work a car swayed closer and closer to me. I didn’t trust him to stay on his part of the road, so I slowed down, just in time to avoid a collision because the driver got nearer and nearer to the curb. When waiting for the traffic light I found out why he hadn’t noticed he nearly bumped me off my bike. He had his phone on his lap and it definitely needed his attention, because even when the light turned green he only gave his attention to the road partially. That resulted in him driving slow enough to annoy the car behind him and he kept swaying like he was dancing in his car.

I rode on, still not taking a hint and got home safe. Now earlier that day I had talked to a colleague  about putting up my Christmas tree that evening. She told me I could do it in the weekend, seeing I really didn’t want to, but felt I needed to do it. Well I did feel I needed to do it, because I would not have time in the weekend, so I kept word with me and put up the tree.

After arriving home I went to the attic and got the tree and ornaments down. The instruction on the coloured branches and where the go on the stem was still at the attic, so I went to get it and since I was there I took a ceramic church we put on our subwoofer every Christmas and one of the ornaments that we put in the windowsill. I had gone down one flight of stairs without any problem, on to the second and last flight of stairs. Four steps in, I don’t know what happened but I lost my footing and I went sliding down the rest of the damn thing. I can tell you one thing. Stairs are not made to slide on, to bumpy.

The church survived, for the most part. So did I. It could have gone a lot worse. Both my elbows are blue, my shoulder feels bruised as well and my butt is certainly blue. My tailbone is hurting like hell and sitting isn’t much fun, I suspect it won’t be for a long time, but I survived. Third time that day things could have been bad. Is there a message and if so what.

Did grim reaper try to tell me he wants to take me? I hope that’s not the message. I think I would rather like to think I have great guardian angels and I still have some time to spend on this earth, but I can tell you this. I was glad that day was over. I have been wondering if it would have been better if I had stayed in bed, but with my luck that day I think the bed would have given out as well.

Love
Dreamer

Google thingy

Yeh, I know it probably has a name other than Google thingy, but I don’t know it.
I have seen the thingy because my partner brought it into our home.
Why? Because my partner works at a store that sells them. If you want to sell something, you need to know how it works, or at least the basics. My partner already knew the thing from work, but apparently we need one in our home now, because it should work in our own language as well as English. And so the Google thingy entered our home.

I have hear of Siri, but I am not a big Apple fan (sew me), so I have never seen such a thing live. I did not know google had this thing you can put in your home to ask questions to and give commands to turn on lights and appliances. I still don’t know what to think of it, but the first evening the thing was in our house was funny as hell.

Yeh, she should be able to speak and interpret my language and she does I guess, but…. She is far from perfect and that makes things hilarious. Why do I say she? Well it has a female voice. I don’t know if you can have a male voice for the thing, I should ask my partner if that is even possible, or maybe I can learn it from people who know how this Google thingy works if you leave a comment.

So why is she hilarious. A couple of things. To begin with, she has my sense of humour. I mean her jokes are so lame, I love them. They are not really jokes, they’re one-liners. I searched on the internet to find an English version, so here it goes: “What is a sea monster’s favorite snack? Ships and dip.” My kind of humour. When I was a lot younger there was this joke that cracked me and a friend of mine up (still does). Everyone else that heard it looked at us like we were insane to find it funny enough to role of our chairs with laughter. Here’s the joke, just so you know what a nut I am: “To camels walk through the dessert. One camel say to the other camel: “the weather’s nice, isn’t it?” The other camel replies: “Shut up! Camels can’t talk!””. Yep still does something for me, I am grinning madly while typing it 😀

Back to the google thingy. My partner tried to get her to open Netflix. She opens Netflix in YouTube. In other words, you get a commercial for Netflix on YouTube. This goes on for twenty something minutes. My partner actually asks the Google thingy to open music in YouTube, she opens it in a music application on our TV instead of YouTube. I found this hilarious. My partner kept tinkering with the settings in the hopes of getting it right. Alternated with asking her to tell a joke, so I could not concentrate on what I was doing because I find her jokes so funny (most of them at least).

O and the lights, my partner kept going on: “Oke Google, turn the lights off” with the standard reply: “I am turning off two lights”. Then my partner would say: “Oke Google, turn the lights on”, with the standard reply she was turning on two lights. You can imagine, as hilarious as it was at first as tedious it became after a while. When I had more than enough I asked my partner if they were done. Nope, not until I had talked to Google. Asked her to turn off the lights.

Now you would say that is easily done, talk to the thing and have a little peace and quiet. Yeh…. Thing is, I could not talk to it. It felt so weird, so uncomfortable, I could not do it. I took a deep breath several times to start the sentence: “Oke Google, lights off”, but every time he words got stuck in my throat. I could not talk to Google, not with my partner there. It felt to weird. Then finally, on my way upstairs in passing the thingy I did a quick: “Oke Google, lights of” and walked on upstairs as fast as I could.

The Google thingy has been in our house for a couple of days now. I feel a little more comfortable in asking her to turn on lights or the radio, but it still is a weird thing. Think of it… how long before the computer grows a mind of its own and determines it doesn’t like taking orders, so it plots to kill you with your own appliances, just so it can get a little peace and quiet. I am not taking my chances, I ask as politely as I can and I thank the damn thing after it did something I asked for. Even if it tried and tells me it can’t do it yet, but it is still learning. Yes, it tells you it is still learning…. so you better be polite to you stuff, before it turns of your light instead of the lights in your home.
I know I’ll try to stay friends with my Google thingy.

Love
Dreamer

Words

There are a couple of posts that are about being careful with words. Words I write down on the internet that is. I discovered I should take the same care in real life, because I am good at speaking my mind without thinking.

Obviously you can hurt people that way, or offend them, or something like that.
I have done that, without knowing, so let me try to correct it, online 😀

I befriended this wonderful couple. It started out with becoming friends with one of them at work, then I met her partner. A warm, caring, smart and beautiful man. I care for them both deeply. In order to make the writing and reading go smoother I shall give them fake names: Becky and Harry. I had never met his best friend Steven, but he talked about him a lot, as best friends do, so I had made a mental picture. I saw someone like Harry, sort of a Harry 2.0.

In my mind that is a compliment, it turns out, in Harries it is not, but that might have something to do with how I explained things to him, hang in there, we’ll get to that part.

In my mind’s eye I saw a man, just as loving, warm, caring, smart and beautiful. You know how we are all beautiful in our own way.
Harry is beautiful inside and out at least that is how I see him (and I know for sure Becky does too 😉 ). Harry loves his wife, making music, playing chess, watching good movies and a whole lot more, but aforementioned things are the things he talks about most.
I love hearing him talk, there is so much passion and knowledge! I love him for everything he is.

So now that you have a sort of mental picture (at least I hope so) let’s get to the part where I should have thought before speaking. The first time I met Steven was when Becky and Harry got married. As said, I had never met him, and the person that came in looked a lot different than my mental picture. In came a man that looked like an Italian cover picture, long hair, sharply dressed and looking like he was very much at ease with all the people surrounding him.

Now let me get this straight, Harry is not the complete opposite of Steven, he dresses sharply as well, but he has short hair and I feel Harry is more like me, not too comfortable with getting to much direct attention, unless it is from people he knows well.

I didn’t think about it, but foolish as I am I told Harry what I thought: I expected Steven to be a Harry 2.0, but instead here is this gorgeous man.

Yeah, not that nice if you think it through dreamer….
In my mind it would have been a compliment to be a Harry 2.0, but was I saying Harry isn’t gorgeous? I guess that is what it sounds like if I would have thought about it I might have rephrased it or not have said it out loud at all. You see, where Steven might have a classical beauty (the kind adds would use) Harry has the realistic beauty. The way his face lights up when he is talking about the things he loves or when he smiles. The way he is build. Harry is the one I would have had the courage to walk up to while I would shy away from Steven.

So dear Harry, please know in my mind being Harry 2.0 is the highest regard you can get.
You are the best.

Love
Dreamer

Working out?

Ok, sometimes you just need to make yourself feel better right? At least that’s the point where I am now. I am done with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act. So what do I do about it?
I decided I have been lazy long enough, time to go about things differently. I don’t know if I can make it happen or how long it will last if I get where I want to, but I have made a start.

Most of my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and years back I made myself a promise, I was not going to let myself ‘grow’ to much. I don’t go shopping for new pants when I am at my largest, because the they will become bigger and bigger. Right now I am at a point I need to take action. Other people say it is not that bad, but if I let myself ‘go’ it will get to a point of no return. So let’s do this!!! The doctor said I should be able to do everything, so I have no excuse to be lazy anymore.

I hate the gym, if I register I stop going in no time. I have tried that before. Going with friends does not work either, because after a while I will find excuses not to go even if my friends tell me I should. How do you go about things then? Well, I did two things to start with and there is something else I intend to do, but I thing that will be hard to go through with, because I am addicted.

The first thing I did was ask a friend of mine to become my personal trainer. He agreed and last Saturday was our first session. Keep in mind I have not been doing anything for a very long time. I ride my bike to work, but I even cheat at that, because it is an electric bike.

So my friend took me to a training field. The first thing that went through my mind was “o no, people will be able to see me!” I am so out of shape an now people will see me struggle at working out! I will be flailing around like a fish out of water, while these people are doing true workouts and having something funny to talk about later.

My friend told me not to worry. These people come here to work out and respect others that want to work out. Sure…… they respect others that work out. What I will be doing can’t be called working out. It will be stumbling through. But no mercy, I had to go there. We walked there as a warming up. That took about an hour. Once there we started a run around the field. I ‘ran’, but about halfway through the round I wondered how far I would come, because I already felt like I was going to die. Strangely enough I got through the round.

Then we started five different exercises doing each one for 30 seconds, with 30 second intervals. After doing all five we went for another run around the field. My ‘trainer’ talked to me and I made the mistake to talk back. I wasn’t even halfway round when I had to stop running. I started walking instead, because I was so out of breath I started hyperventilating. I got instructions on how to take control of my breath back, it worked. I learned not to talk while running that day :D. So on to the next round of exercises. At that point someone living in my brain decided to redecorate, because a heavy pounding started. It was worst behind my right eye and man I felt like a zero when I decided that was it, no more training that day, because I was afraid I would get a migraine. The pain behind my eye is an indicator.

We sat down while I took some pills and we drank some water. My friend asked me if I wanted to go on and told me he was already proud of me, regarding that I started below zero condition wise (my own words). I didn’t want to disappoint him too much, so we ran another round around the field and as a sort of cool down we walked the last round. While running I only gave a thumbs up/down or a nod of the head as an answer to the questions that came my way. I ran the full found, on will power. That felt good. So that was our first session, our next session will be better (I hope) :D. I am grateful he is helping me out like that.

The second thing I did was take out my Wii balance board. Every morning before work I start up my Wii fit and ‘work out’ for about half an hour. Someone asked me if you can really call that a work out. Hell yeah, I sweat like crazy and my muscles hurt. The sit-ups we did last Saturday are still hurting. When I have to do them with Wii I can barely lift my body, but I try as well as I can. Thursday is my regular day off so I decided that I would do a bigger workout. As you can see in the picture I booked a lot of minutes :D. I am proud of myself for doing this, even if some people might think it is stupid and childish and it won’t get me where I want to go. I feel good about it, an no one is going to take that from me.

The third thing I intend to do is stop using my laptop/YouTube/Netflix as much as I do now. I have to earn it! So I decided to see myself as a kid that has to be told no. I can do my laptop/YouTube/Netflix two hours tops (trust me, that is cutting waaaaay back) and I start doing other things. Like reading a book or writing the story I was talking about earlier. I won’t promise this will be happening, but writing it down makes it easier I guess, because I put it out in the world now. People I know can ask me about it now and try and keep me to it.

Today was a good start at it. I have not been on the computer until I started writing this blog. O wow, no today was not a good start. I have a smart TV and by way of music I have been listening to ‘Straight Outta Oz (deluxe edition’ from Todrick. Does that count as being on YouTube? I guess… but at least I was doing something productive at the same time (household chores). Well, I am proud of me. I guess this won’t be my last post about this. Write to you soon.

Love
Dreamer

I froze with fear last night!!!!

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly…

Now that that is out, it makes a good title as well, so I’ll leave it there.

Don’t worry, nothing dangerous happened or anything. No burglar, no fire, no nothing.
I froze with fear because of the most scary thought you can have, at least, I think it is.
Before I tell you my thought I’ll give you another insight in my life, and I think you can guess what it is I feared.

I might like to be on my own and favour a small gathering above a huge one (or even just a bigger one than small), but I have found the person I want to share my life with.
Not just now…. Quite some years ago. Luckily for me, up to now the feeling seems to be mutual (you never know) and I take every day I can to enjoy that love.

Last night we were lying in bed. I love to fall asleep cuddled against my love. I was almost there (asleep that is) when suddenly… No it was not that sudden, it had to do with something we talked about before we went to sleep, but I do not remember quite what it was, just that it triggered this thought. (Imagination I have enough of, but memory, boy I stood waaaaaaaay back in line when that got handed out).

Where was I, right, when suddenly….. I realized this could be gone in a heartbeat. I have seen it happen, people losing the love of their life. It could happen. Just the thought of losing my partner and being left behind….. It completely froze me for a second or two. The chill around my heart was soooooooo….. And all the hairs on my body stood up, and my mind wanted to shut down.

At that point I realised, if this is what I feel with my love next to me, at just the thought of losing them, how do the people I know go on with their lives after the real deal. I mean I’ve seen it real close by, the loss of a love with who lives and homes where shared. The people I know are brave and live their lives with this loss. They are in pain about it I am sure, and their lost loves will always be a part of them and their life, but they live, they go on!!!!!

So here is a shout-out and a super big hug to all those who found the strength of mind and body to live without the person that once made their world revolve. I have got great respect for what you are doing, even if it is said that you have to live your life because you are not the one who died, because a part of you died that day. You can be proud of yourself for finding the strength to go on and I hope you will keep doing so.

If you are reading this and you have lost your love, but don’t know where to get the strength and have (part) given up, I hope you find the strength to go on and make something of the rest of your life, but I won’t judge you if you don’t.

Love dreamer