I am losing my mind!

Since I haven’t been to regular in posting, I owe you some posts. I have been dreaming again last night, so I will be able to give you a second one this week. I hope you will enjoy!

Everything I ever Knew about dreams is falling apart. I will never be able to have a lucid dream again! Remember my last blog? Well here is another dream that goes against what I told you in the last paragraph of that blog.

Apparently I have taken the car, while most of the times my partner uses it, because I get home, park the car, notice my partner is not home yet and go on to do something for myself.

After a while I decide to check on the car. Why? Not a clue. We live in a good neighbourhood, so maybe I just wanted to see our girl, I truly don’t know. Upon getting to the window I don’t she her though. Maybe I didn’t park her at the spot I thought I parked here, so I look at the complete row.

No car! Ok, maybe I forgot what she looks like, I know the licence plate, so I start checking those (and I am reading them! For real!). No car with our licence plate. I start to panic. Did I lock the car. No, YOU STUPID IDIOTTIC EMPTYHEADED………. HOW COULD YOU NOT LOCK THE CAR!!!! I ranted on to myself for a bit, then decide my partner should know I lost the car before they got home, so I call them. I am in tears. I lost our baby, this is going to be a financial disaster! My partner comforts me by telling me our baby would have locked herself after being parked for a specific time. That sort of calms me down, but then what happened to our baby?

I walk back to the window to start reading the licence plates again. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. No, the one in the tree is not ours either…..the one in the tree?!? HOW THE HELL!!! Who would be able to get a car up in a tree and why the hell would you do it? Then I notice underneath the car that is hanging in the tree are about five cars stacked on top of each other, so the one in the tree almost touches the top of the fifth car. HOW! My mind is blown. Who would do this?

I start checking plates again. Nope, none of them are our baby. I am definitely reading the plates! That should not have been possible! At that point I should have been able to tell I was dreaming and take control! Well I didn’t, so I went on doing something for myself in my dream. Not wanting to go to the toilet, because one of two thing could happen. It would be dark soon, and when it would be dark, I would be going in the house to stop the thing I was doing  (not a clue what it was that was so important I couldn’t go to a toilet) or my partner would come home and I would be going into the house and stop the thing I was doing.

At some point I really couldn’t put off going to the toilet so I go into the house. I decide to use our upstairs toilet. Walking in there I nearly get a heart attack. My partner is lying in the bath! I forget all about needing the toilet and start to tell them about the stacked cars. We both walk downstairs to look out of the window. Both reading the plates……. I wake up.

Well… there you have it. My crazy dreams are back and I won’t ever be able to tell when I am dreaming again. I should go on the internet and read up on lucid dreaming, because the things I know are from hear say, but I am lazy. I am not going to look it up. Instead of doing that, I put my dreams on the internet and bore you with them.

Love,
Dreamer

It starts with a lovely dinner

So I was invited to this lovely dinner with a group of people and my partner and good friend of mine were to, so that should be fun!

There were three tables. One for seven people, one for six people and one small table for 4 kids.

We were the first ones to arrive, so we could pick were we wanted to sit, but I figured that would sort itself so I talked to our hostess. She had organised a bicycle race a while back and I had taken part in it (definitely not won it). The person that had been the favourite to win it lost as well, because both she and I collided. I got disqualified, because of an illegal manoeuvre. There had been a lot of witnesses that told our hostess that I had pinned the favourite against a wall to stop her from winning, and in doing so it was said I had caused the collision between the both of us.

Somehow, there had not been time to discuss it back then, so we talked about it now. She was the one that told me I had pinned the favourite, but it was only at this dinner that I found out she had not seen this, but it had been told to her by witnesses of the crash.

Time to set the record straight. I had been behind the favourite, far enough not to collide but gaining. The moment I was close enough to pass without collision she pulled her bicycle to the left, right into me. I was able to keep my bike riding, but she fell and couldn’t finish the race.

Our hostess was shocked. The favourite had been the one that should have been expelled, nog me. She apologized profoundly. I told her it was oké.

While we were talking the room filled up with the other dinner guests. I had been squatting next to the chair of the hostess and it was time to find a place to sit. Only one place left. At the head of the table set for seven. (Seeing the room fill up awakened my anxiety for I didn’t know anyone other than my partner, my good friend and our hostess. It seemed I would end up getting seated with strangers, and I did). Another dinner guest that had taken a seat next to the one left for me started filling up my glass with water. He was having fun and getting laughs from everyone around him. There was already bread on the plates and the water started spilling onto my plate. I ran to my seat to see if I could control the damage ( I hate wet bread), but it was too late. I emptied my plate onto that of the man that was joking around. Both water and bread were for him, I wasn’t planning on eating/drinking it.

We were all having a good time. We talked, we laughed, dinner was wonderful. Slowly but surely I started piecing together that people that had wanted to tell the truth at the race had been ‘bullied’ into saying I had pinned the favourite of the race. When dinner was over we went into the village. It was a small village we don’t often visit, so it was nice to take time to walk around. Then people started to try and kill us! They didn’t like that the truth about the race came to light and wanted to make sure we knew. My partner and friend got caught and tied up. I got to where they were. Don’t ask me why, but somehow I had a gas burner on my key chain. One of those things you use for making desserts. I took it out and pointed it at the man that was guarding them. I set his hair on fire and he left screaming. I quickly untied the others. The place is swarming with people trying to kill us. We needed to get the hell out of there!

My partner figured out how. We needed to participate in race where we need to get to the top of some kind of tower, made out of nets, in order to get ‘flung out’ by being the first ones to reach top. Sort of like a video game. If you are the first to reach the top, you win or get to a second stage. That would be the way out of this village. My partner knew a cheat to get to the top of the tower first. We somehow dodged over twenty hitmen to get to the tower. This tower was build underground, but my partner knew we would be able to see the top from above ground, so we could jump on the top net. We got there, took the jump and indeed landed on the top net. Now we would have to hold on long enough to win. That wasn’t easy, because the whole tower swayed like crazy. Somehow we managed and won! Turned out that was not the end of the game, there was a next stage.

We started the next stage on our own in the streets. Normal streets, where people lived. We had been split up somehow. I didn’t know where the others were, so I ran for my life without knowing where to go, one of the hitmen hot on my tail. I somehow managed to take him out and started running again. My phone rang, the sound was that of the ringtone I have set for my partner, who is nowhere in sight. I see my friend straight ahead, running towards me. Suddenly my partner comes from my left telling us to get in a tree we are near at that point. We climbed tree. Several hitmen run past it without noticing us. A strange thing, because the tree has barren branches, but hé, don’t question good luck. One of the men that was trying to kill us somehow had wings and flied up to the tree. He tried to shoot us, but my friend somehow turned out to be an archer and had a bow and arrows. My friend shot two arrows to disarm the winged man and put a third through one of his wings. He fell to the ground and disappeared. The voice of a commentator (like those at sports events) announced to the spectators that the winged contestant was out of the game.

We needed to go on so we climbed out of the tree and ran to a house about ten paces to our right. We went through the door and closed it. Somehow the inside of the house looked more like a cave. There was this huge gate around the tower (this time it was made of stone and actually looked like a tower). I was the first one to walk through the gate. It  started to close and I tried to keep it open with all my might, so the other two would be able to get in with me. The got in just in time. With the gate closed we felt sort of safe, there was only this sort of cat flap to get through the gate now. At the base of the tower was a puzzle to solve. There were numbers that needed to be connected to right stones to get path across small body of water and go up. All of a sudden the head of a teacher peeks in from the top of the tower. He gave a hint to solving the puzzle. I could only wonder if we would walk into a classroom once we made it to the top. The man said that the numbers keep the same order. Great, now we could solve it, I hoped. One of the numbers, the number four, had a line that connected it to one of the stones. I looked around if I could see a way to get that number on the right stone and suddenly noticed chalk pens on the ground to my left. They were lying underneath a radiator. I picked up as many colours as I could, because the numbers have colours to and who knows, we might need them later on. I put first number on stone ‘connected’ stone. Writing the four on the stone proves difficult. (I don’t know if you have ever tried to put a number like 4 or seven into a handheld Nintendo? When I try to write it down the damn thing always takes about three tries to get the right number into the system.) Now  registers with difficulty, but gets there (like Gameboy). Now we had to figure out where the other numbers had to go. I asked my partner and my friend to stop joking around and start help me figure things out. We were still puzzling when I woke up.

I am still wondering wat would have been waiting for us at the top, I tried desperately to get back to sleep so I could finish the puzzle. Strange though…. I could actually see the number four. It was the only one, and with difficulty, but normally in dreams numbers and letters can’t be registered. That’s how you determine you are dreaming and how you can take over and start to have a lucid dream. Maybe that’s why I could only see the four and why it was so difficult to put it on the stone in a way you could make out it was a four. Dang it, that is going to hunt me all day. Well I hope you have enjoyed my dream. I sure did, even though it was quite a dangerous event.

Love,

Dreamer

Away for rehearsal

Yesterday was a fun day. I’ve spent the day with my acting group. Normally we het together on wednesday evening to rehearse. On of is had to travel about an hour and a half just to get to rehearsal. That’s not including the return trip and when travel conditions are at their best. She must truly love doing this!!!! And she does. Well last wednesday we didn’t het together, but agreed to all get to her house for rehearsal!

Saturday morning, about ten past nine I got picked up, one more stop for picking up someone else and we would be on our way! Since we would be staying untill after diner, we would have so much time to slowly work through the whole script. It felt good.

There was a warm welcome upon arriving and a lovely lunch not to long after. It was a day of being spoiled by good food and drinks and loads of laughter. You see, we will be performing a play by Alan Ayckbourn and it is hilarious. At least we think so. Slowly but surely we are getting to the desired outcome. We have a lot of fun in the proces.

It’s a good thing to ge all of our laugther out now, because it might prove difficult to keep a straight face on stage, so advice is welcome! I am so lucky to get to do this with such a warm group of people. The Day flew by. Well it will be wednesday soon, happy days…

Love, dreamer

Super cat?

I’ve been to my mum last Thursday. The reason for going was threefold. 1. See mum again. 2. Show of the car and 3. See how my mum is holding up, because her brother has received a diagnoses of cancer. Heavy stuff, I know, but I am not going to dwell on it in this blog. Please just let me stick my head in the sand and just be there for my mum, thank you.

My mum has gotten a cat after my dad died, so she won’t be so alone when she’s at home and there’s someone there to say hello to when she walks is. I think it is a good thing. It is a lovely cat. As you might know cats have an aggressive way of playing with you. They use their claws and teeth to win. That’s fine by me, but my mum doesn’t want the cat to do that, because when he does that with her… her skin has become thinner or something, so she bleeds easily. If the cat plays with other people he wants to play with her to, and that’s not a good idea, so he can’t play with people, just toys and stuff. This cat turns out to be a dog by the way. Throw away a ball of paper and he brings it back to you. He brought mum a ball to throw when we were there.

I didn’t know about the cat not playing with people, so while on the phone (because my brother called) I was playing with the cat. It didn’t take long or all nails dug in my arm and all teeth dug in my wrist. If I lifted my arm, the cat would lift along. Nothing I couldn’t handle, but I can understand my mum doesn’t want that to happen to her. So she did the thing she does when the cat starts to play. She pushed him to the ground until he stopped, showing him she is the leader. It worked. I had quite a brilliant mark of his teeth on my wrist after that.

So Peter Parker got spider powers after he got bitten by a spider…. Do I get cat powers now?

I already know how to purr, my friends mum once said his cat was purring loudly, but that was me, so funny…. You should have been there. So how about the rest, do I become a human cat now? The mark on my wrist suggested I will become a superhero, so when things start happening I’ll let you know…. On the other hand….. O man, why did I put this in a blog!!! A handful of people will immediately link me to our new superhero! Ok, let’s agree not to tell anyone about this. If I turn into a superhero, you guys are part of the secret. Don’t spill the secret ok. If I go off on adventures you guys will get the report through this blog. Hardly anyone reads it, so I don’t think the bad guys or governments will find out.

It would make for a great content of my blog as well. Although I wouldn’t like the life or death choices that much. I think I will be heartbroken with the first person I can’t safe…. Hmmm. I guess I’d have to think about a lot of things. A secret lair, tech support (I am technically challenged), an outfit, do I want to operate worldwide, would I be able to keep working where I work now. O my…. I think I’m happy to say I haven’t felt a change yet, but when it happens I am going to need some help, so…… be ready when I call on you.

Love

Dreamer

Ups and downs

A while ago a friend of mine shared a picture telling me she would love to do the depicted (no sexual pun intended). It was a picture of a notebook. Someone created a very colourful page that stated: a year in color (I type what I see). Underneath a diagram a seen above. It has all the months in a year and the days of that month.
The colours on the side of it stand for how the day has been. From top to bottom:
Purple = amazing
Dark blue = great day
Light blue = good day
Yellow = eh
Orange = bad day
red = worst day ever

I loved the idea, so I asked my friend if we could start one at the same time. Enthusiasm. I recreated this wonderful idea of someone I don’t know in an Excel sheet and send an empty copy to her. We are both filling one out at the moment. As you can see we started last month.
Yes this is actually a print screen of my recreation.

About two weeks ago this friend and I were talking. Her diagram has loads of colour. Her days vary much more than mine. We were talking about that. How can my diagram be so “stable”.
I’ll tell you why…..

If you have read my posts you might get that even though I grew up in a great home, I was not always a happy kid. At times I felt like a burden to everyone, not happy that I existed an wondering if I should. There is a whole lot I could tell you about it, but I won’t because it is something I have dealt with. Not that it was easy, but I did it. I came out on top. There are a whole lot of people that aren’t so lucky. This bit of background is important, why?

I am prone to depression. One way to deal with those is by taking medicine. I don’t want that, because it may be a great help, but there are downsides as well. Since I am not that depressed that I need them no matter wat I think I do without. Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have to be on guard for negative feelings at all times. I can NEVER let that guard down, if I do it could be disastrous. It happened at one time….. let’s just say it was a good thing I didn’t have any sharp objects at hand or anything else that could help me step out at that moment.

If I am on guard things are OK. I don’t like psychiatrist or psychologists most of the time, because to me they sound too much like a self-help tape recorded by someone who just knows stuff through observing instead of really knowing, but there has been this diamond between the pebbles at times that truly where able to help me. They helped me observe the path my mind takes and they helped me find ways to block the path it wants to take if negative feelings occur. I can steer my mind the right way, but it takes effort and time.

What you see above is the result of being able to fight the depressions. My mind does the same as the medicine do. It numbs things out, sort of. Most days end up being good days, because things balance each other out. I will always try to be overly positive about things. Look for the bright sides. Now believe me, just telling myself things are positive does not work, I had to work on feeling that. But I learned how to and now the looking on the bright side helps me to keep my day good. There is the occasion that no matter how bright I might want sides to look, nothing helps, but at least I have not had a worst day ever yet. On the other hand, because of keeping everything in check I don’t think it will be easy to score amazing days. I don’t mind though. I am happy I can say most days are good. That is a huge improvement on when I was younger. Back then there would have been loads of worst days ever. At least now I know that a purple day is truly purple.

I am very curious to see what the rest of the year will do. Tell you what. I’ll post a picture of it when June 2019 is done. You can see for yourself how 2018/2019 has been for me.
I would like to thank my friend for sharing the picture with me, because it is very helpful to find out these kinds of things about yourself.
And thank you to the original creator. I don’t know who you are, but this is a super idea!

Love
Dreamer

P.S. Even though I was truly unhappy loads of times, in hindsight I have been happy loads of times as well. The dark was just much stronger than the light. I learned to turn that around.

Storytime

So way back in 2007 I wrote a story. I swear to you that I didn’t have a clue as to what was going to happen. Every time my pen hit the paper (yes you are reading it correctly, pen and paper, no typing) I was as curious as to what was going to happen as anyone else can be when first reading this. So in my last post I opted that this might be the post for today and guess what. In advance sorry for the long post, but I hope you enjoy the story.

 

It is Sunday, but the day doesn’t do its name justice. It was rainy outside, many people will be gloomy because of this weather.

I am still in bed. The warmth is comforting and I don’t really want to wake up yet. I open my eyes slowly and put on my glasses. I am immediately aware something is wrong. This is not my room. My room is small and messy, because I try to get as much as I can into it, but don’t put things back where they belong after I use them. This room on the other hand…. Wow. It is as big as a ballroom and the bed I am in is right in the middle against the long wall.

It isn’t just any bed I see. It is a four-poster like the ones I only know from fairy tales. I would put a princess in this bed, not me. To my left there is a mirror desk against the short wall. From the bed I can make out there is a lot of stuff on it. I really want to check things out, but I am a bit afraid. To my right there are double doors in the short wall. A while away from it there are three luxurious cushions to sit on.

Right across of me there are also double doors. Where would those doors lead to for havens sake?

The whole room has an aubergine/crème colour-scheme. I find it very tasteful, exactly like I would have done it. I wonder how I got here though, and where the heck is here!

I get pulled from my thought by a knock on the door. What should I do? After all, I don’t belong here, even though it feels familiar for some reason. I also don’t know who is knocking, for all I know it could be a creepy figure with ill intent. Yet I hesitate, because I would like to meet a friendly person…

Before I know what I want the door opens and a beautiful lady walks in. She has beautiful dark hair, beautifully done-up, through which her face is clearly visible. Her eyes radiate pure love and her presence seems to envelop me in a blanket of serenity. All cares and all questions fall away from me. I know things are right. I see the woman is speaking to me, but  I can’t hear the words. This bothers me, but the moment I feel bothered the feeling ebbs away to be replaced by warmth. I don’t have a clue as to where this warmth is coming from, but it is not important to me. Weird.

The woman has walked to the other doors and gestures me to follow her, something I do without thinking. As soon as I join her she opens the doors. To my surprise I see it is an enormous wardrobe. In the back of it is a mirror in which I see myself. What a beautiful gown I am wearing. It is shining like silk and a soft blue. All edges have slight lacework, not unpleasant. I look down to see if I am actually wearing it. Yes I am… this is as weird as everything else, so why am I staying this calm? Am I dreaming? That has to be the answer. It is a beautiful dream, so I decide to go with it.

I look at the woman. Without speech, but with gestures she lets me know I can change clothes and closes the doors while leaving the room. I decide to take a look at the clothing available and to my joy I discover that everything in there is completely to my taste. There is so much to choose from, yet choosing isn’t hard because in the middle of the room is a stool with such a fine set of clothes I am sold immediately. Black jeans with rhinestones around the pockets and at the bottom of the tapered legs. On top I would wear a pale pink blouse without print or anything. The shoes a black leather. Elegant round noses and a light garland crossing it from the outside at the nose to the inside of the ankle. As soon as I am done, the woman opens the door again and gestures me to follow her. She walks to the other end of the room. As I am following I realise the only thing obvious about her is her head. The rest of here is a haze, jet I feel like I am dealing with a slim, elegant woman. I have the feeling I know her, but before I build up the courage to ask her about it she turns around. She gestures to some jewellery.

To my surprise there are thing here that belong to my personal favourites. My own wristwatch, the two rings I always wear (one for friendship and one for the family ties it has to my mother and through it to my grandma), the necklace two friends and I had made after school to symbolize our bond, the silver earrings my sister in law and her husband had given me for my birthday and the bracelet my boyfriend had given me, but which I had lost a while back. I put on the jewellery, thankful for the fact they are the ones in my jewellery case that are most dear to me.

The woman walks to the doors that are straight across the bed. I follow her. We end up in a huge hall. The only thing in it is a marvellous fountain in the middle. A huge, round, white room that would feel cold if it wouldn’t be for the fountain. The fountain however is an impression of nature, with beautiful landscapes chipped out of stone together with the splatter of water gives the room warmth and tranquillity. The whole wall is covered with white doors, but it isn’t obvious where the exit is. As soon as I look at the woman I know she is inviting me to take a look behind every door, starting on the left. She does not have to speak, I feel her intentions, and she feels mine, because before I say one word she seems to understand my thoughts.

I walk to the first door and open it. Strangely I enter some sort of café. I walk away from the door a bit. Inside there is a cosy crowd. Amidst the hustle a little girl wanders. She feels familiar, just like this place, even though I have never been here. I am so focused on the child I only notice the woman that walked toward her when she lifted her up. I know this woman to! At that pint the recognitions goes further than before. The woman standing there is my mum, I am sure of it. This knowing is strengthened when I see my dad appearing behind the counter. They are much younger, but still clearly recognisable. At once the question arises: who is the little girl, but I instinctively know the answer. It is me. The warmth I receive from my parents is overwhelming. I notice they receive double the warmth they are giving to everyone. I slowly move back to the door. This place feels terrific, but I have seen what I have to see. The next room awaits me.

The woman that has guided me up to now is nowhere to be seen. I regret that, but I know she will be there if I need her. Behind the next door I find a huge living room. It does not have one style, but is a combination of a lounge/bar/living room. In this room my whole family has collected. I don’t know everyone, yet I instinctively know the family ties. This room gives me the feeling of power, as if I build a foundation that will hold the heaviest building because of this family. The foundation has this strength because of the fact that the flaws are clearly visible, but they are accommodated by the strong points. This room has also showed me what I needed to see. My foundation is a good one.

I hesitate at the next door. I don’t know why but this room doesn’t feel right. At that moment a feel a hand on my shoulder. The tranquillity I felt before returns completely. When I turn around I see my guide standing there. Strengthened by her presence I open the door and go in. The woman does not follow me and I realise I have to process the information behind the doors on my own. I walk further in, but after a few steps a feeling of desolation washes over me in such a way I can’t move anymore. Despite of the feeling I can get myself to look around me. I am in a movie theatre, but is completely empty. I desperately wanted to walk away, but I know this emptiness is not the message. It is this empty because I will need this much room to process. I decide to sit down while I await what will happen. After a couple of minutes a movie starts. I am in the lead. I don’t like seeing this movie, because it consists of all horrible moments of my live. The fights I’ve had with friends, parents and other family members, the moments I felt hopeless and the moments I simply did not want to exist.  I actually don’t want to finish watching this movie, but I can’t get up, I have to watch. Tears stream down, but I can’t stop. It is like all the pain I locked inside for all these years because I did not want to feel are bursting out of my body right now. At the end of the movie I need least an hour to calm down. I wonder why I had to see these things, like I often wondered why I had to live through it. Slowly an answer is starting to form. I needed to see it to be able to give the things that happened a place the can exist without hurting me. That is what has happened, because the desolation I felt when I entered was gone and replace by relieve.

I also realise I have had more friends than I could remember. Because of all the bad memories from that time, the good memories had been driven to the background. Yet every bad thing that happened in my life has brought something good I realise. I’ve learned something from every situation that helped me in new situations. It has made me stronger as a person. I realise the clear feeling that I am done here, so I start my journey to the next room.

While I leave the movie theatre I see my guide on the other side of the room. I see her smile clearly and feel she is proud of me. With a lighter heart I walk to the next door, but once there I realise here is a lesson to be learned with unpleasant things as well. Because I know the results will be good I manage to build up the courage to enter the room

After a few steps the feeling of happiness leaves me here as well, only this time it is replaced by fear. I don’t need a movie theatre, because al fears flash in jumbled images before me. My fear to lose my family, my fear to lose my boyfriend of the possibility to do the things I love to do. Yet I find my biggest fear is to lose my boyfriend. Why? Are all things inferior or what? No they are not, but my relationship fills up most of my life at the moment. The rest isn’t less important because of it, I am just not as aware  of it. Because of the fact my relationship takes up the biggest part of my life, it is only natural my biggest fear lies there as well. That and I know everything else longer. The relationship brings a lot of new things, through which new fears can grow. I am glad I realise this, because I know I don’t have to be afraid because of it. Fear isn’t a bad thing though because fear helped me handle some situations with more care, which is why things worked out. The feeling of fear is replaced by serenity. This room as also been able to teach me a lesson.

How many rooms will follow? I hope I don’t wake up, because I want to experience this dream until the end. While I leave the room I look around the hall. Empty. The fountain is happily gurgling and I notice that it is more colourful every time I leave a room. Next door it is.

Insecure about what it is I will find I reach for the handle. My feeling stays positive, that gives me courage. In seeing the room behind the door my jaw drops in awe. Unbelievable! From the hall I step straight into the forest. I look around me in amazement. No walls in site, just the door I just walked though, other than that just everything is green. Even the sounds are that of nature. I decide to walk on and after a few minutes I even find a pond with ducks swimming delightfully in it. Everything I have seen until now falls into place, gives me room for overview. Will this be the last door? Yes, I am sure of it. There are no more doors to go through for now. The doors I have went through have wrapped up my life to this point short and sweet and here at this place I see the complete picture. The warmth my family gave me, gave me the strength I needed when I had to learn through unpleasant happenings. These happenings in turn helped me crate fears that helped some situations work out because I handled with more caution than I would have used otherwise. Al these things eventually brought me to where I am now.

Even though I don’t always feel happy, those moments of happiness are worth more than anything. I find I have a strong longing for my boyfriend right now, I want to share this feeling of happiness with him so badly.

All of a sudden my guide is there. “Do you see it wasn’t as bad as you thought after all? You opened up past the first impressions and found you know happiness in all the love around you. I knew you could do it and am proud of you.”

I can’t believe it, my guide speaks! I understand her words, like we hear each other in our daily lives! She is smiling because she knows what I am thinking. I want to know who she is, but am afraid to ask. She tells me I know the answer and I know perfectly well this wasn’t a dream either, but an answer to the question on what to do with myself. I have an answer for both questions, because she is right. I know she is my grandma and I know I just need to go on with my live to spread and share my happiness, like I learned from my parents. The warmth I felt every time is love and thanks to this experience I have returned to the basis. Grandma hugs me. I close my eyes in the hopes this moment may last forever. She whispers in my ear: “Tell you mother everything is ok, I don’t blame her for anything and will always love her. You know I will be with you when you need me, you are never alone.” I feel wonderful, like I am floating. When I open my eyes carefully, because I want to see my grandma one more time, she has disappeared. If I look besides me, my boyfriend is lying there. A wave of warmth goes through my body and I decide to cuddle up against him for a while, after all you have to enjoy every wonderful moment.

 

That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I find it refreshing to ‘read’ it again. My once in a lifetime experience, shared here in public, in hopes it might help you as it helped me.

 

Love
Dreamer

Weighing words

When I started this blog I said it would be sort of my diary. In a way it is. I share rather personal things through my blog, without too much hesitation, because it is an anonymous blog. Sure, my family and friends know it is me and if you stumble upon it without knowing I think you will know it is me without me telling you if you know me in real life, but it is still easier to write when it feels anonymous.

That said, I know I can’t or won’t put just anything in my blog. I try to think about my words before I put them online. Not the spelling as you might have noticed, but the meaning of the words. Why? Because using internet is a bit like having superpowers. With great powers comes great responsibility. You have to think about what you put online, because it can influence lives in ways you hadn’t thought about.

If I had a bad day and people ruffled my feathers I don’t go online to chew them out. For one, they might stumble upon my blog and recognise themselves, confronting me with the fact I put it online, but did not confront them in person about it (because I hate conflict, I leave people be rather than confront them). Then there is the fact that internet can break people if you are not careful. The mind can be a fragile thing, so try not to hurt people if you don’t have to. A compliment and a curse are just as easily given, but the curse will do loads more damage than the compliment can ‘fix’, if it can fix anything at all.

Way back when Hyves was still a thing I posted a blog once. I felt a bit down, just a bit, not too much. The one thing I keep forgetting is that my mind is sort of a shaded place. Nothing I can’t handle. I know the shades and how to manoeuvre around them to be ok. But I forget that other people might not get that. So I posted a blog about my bad day, just to ‘air out’ some feelings. It did not take long for my friends and family to start sending me messages asking if I was ok. Did I need someone to come by and talk to, did I need a hug. They read something that stated I was done with everything. For them the post was dark enough to worry about me taking my own life.

I’ll be honest, I have been on that point in my life more than once. This was not one of those times. The thing is, my mind is a wonderful place to me, but there are shades I have to watch out for. People reading this didn’t see shades, they saw  night. I learned to weigh my words better that day, because I had people worried while nothing that bad had happened. Every blog I write I try to think about the impact it might have on people. No that’s not true. I try to think about not having a bad impact on people. I don’t think about it having a good one.

See, that is one of those things, I concentrate on the negative, but at the end that is a positive thing, because I just don’t want to hurt or worry people. Don’t think about me no posting important negative feelings. I will deal with those in appropriate ways. I will take care of my mental health, but it will not be the thing I want to post about. Not because of you, but some things I am better at handling alone.

Why this post if that’s my take on it? Well last night (it was past midnight) I read a post of someone I haven’t met in real life. I ‘met’ this person online in a slack group. I don’t know any of those people in real life and I have not been in this group for long, but it feels like a warm group of people. One of them mentioned working on a blog post and I immediately felt like I would want to read it, so I asked if I could. I got a link to the blogsite and started reading the minute I came home from the movies with friends. The blog touched me in a good way. Here was a person that has been though a lot with so much positive energy coming from the posts it made me feel warmth. Loads of it. There is this one post I will definitely go back to whenever the shadows in my mind will be too much for me, because I feel like it will always bring light to those shades and help me defeat them.

This blogger started another idea in my head as well. ‘Way back’ in 2007 I wrote a story. I shared it with friends of mine, but I think it is time for me to share it with another audience. Maybe it is taking a risk of someone else taking liberties with my work, but I don’t want to think that way. I will trust in people to use source reference and giving respect to the author of a piece if they talk/write about things. I will entrust my story to the internet. So be warned, the next post that will come online will be a long one. It is an experience I had. Maybe it was I dream I remembered when writing, maybe it was something else, but know that it is actually about me. Not something fictional, but my life, my feelings, my story. I hope it might inspire people, who knows. I’ll have to translate it first, so I don’t know when I will post it. Could be Thursday, since that is my normal day for posting.

Let me finish this blog by thanking AMindOfSorts for the warmth I got from reading your posts. May your future be a bright one, with lots of love and friendship.

Love
Dreamer

P.S Go to the blog and find out for yourself https://amindofsorts.wordpress.com/