Ups and downs

A while ago a friend of mine shared a picture telling me she would love to do the depicted (no sexual pun intended). It was a picture of a notebook. Someone created a very colourful page that stated: a year in color (I type what I see). Underneath a diagram a seen above. It has all the months in a year and the days of that month.
The colours on the side of it stand for how the day has been. From top to bottom:
Purple = amazing
Dark blue = great day
Light blue = good day
Yellow = eh
Orange = bad day
red = worst day ever

I loved the idea, so I asked my friend if we could start one at the same time. Enthusiasm. I recreated this wonderful idea of someone I don’t know in an Excel sheet and send an empty copy to her. We are both filling one out at the moment. As you can see we started last month.
Yes this is actually a print screen of my recreation.

About two weeks ago this friend and I were talking. Her diagram has loads of colour. Her days vary much more than mine. We were talking about that. How can my diagram be so “stable”.
I’ll tell you why…..

If you have read my posts you might get that even though I grew up in a great home, I was not always a happy kid. At times I felt like a burden to everyone, not happy that I existed an wondering if I should. There is a whole lot I could tell you about it, but I won’t because it is something I have dealt with. Not that it was easy, but I did it. I came out on top. There are a whole lot of people that aren’t so lucky. This bit of background is important, why?

I am prone to depression. One way to deal with those is by taking medicine. I don’t want that, because it may be a great help, but there are downsides as well. Since I am not that depressed that I need them no matter wat I think I do without. Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have to be on guard for negative feelings at all times. I can NEVER let that guard down, if I do it could be disastrous. It happened at one time….. let’s just say it was a good thing I didn’t have any sharp objects at hand or anything else that could help me step out at that moment.

If I am on guard things are OK. I don’t like psychiatrist or psychologists most of the time, because to me they sound too much like a self-help tape recorded by someone who just knows stuff through observing instead of really knowing, but there has been this diamond between the pebbles at times that truly where able to help me. They helped me observe the path my mind takes and they helped me find ways to block the path it wants to take if negative feelings occur. I can steer my mind the right way, but it takes effort and time.

What you see above is the result of being able to fight the depressions. My mind does the same as the medicine do. It numbs things out, sort of. Most days end up being good days, because things balance each other out. I will always try to be overly positive about things. Look for the bright sides. Now believe me, just telling myself things are positive does not work, I had to work on feeling that. But I learned how to and now the looking on the bright side helps me to keep my day good. There is the occasion that no matter how bright I might want sides to look, nothing helps, but at least I have not had a worst day ever yet. On the other hand, because of keeping everything in check I don’t think it will be easy to score amazing days. I don’t mind though. I am happy I can say most days are good. That is a huge improvement on when I was younger. Back then there would have been loads of worst days ever. At least now I know that a purple day is truly purple.

I am very curious to see what the rest of the year will do. Tell you what. I’ll post a picture of it when June 2019 is done. You can see for yourself how 2018/2019 has been for me.
I would like to thank my friend for sharing the picture with me, because it is very helpful to find out these kinds of things about yourself.
And thank you to the original creator. I don’t know who you are, but this is a super idea!

Love
Dreamer

P.S. Even though I was truly unhappy loads of times, in hindsight I have been happy loads of times as well. The dark was just much stronger than the light. I learned to turn that around.

Storytime

So way back in 2007 I wrote a story. I swear to you that I didn’t have a clue as to what was going to happen. Every time my pen hit the paper (yes you are reading it correctly, pen and paper, no typing) I was as curious as to what was going to happen as anyone else can be when first reading this. So in my last post I opted that this might be the post for today and guess what. In advance sorry for the long post, but I hope you enjoy the story.

 

It is Sunday, but the day doesn’t do its name justice. It was rainy outside, many people will be gloomy because of this weather.

I am still in bed. The warmth is comforting and I don’t really want to wake up yet. I open my eyes slowly and put on my glasses. I am immediately aware something is wrong. This is not my room. My room is small and messy, because I try to get as much as I can into it, but don’t put things back where they belong after I use them. This room on the other hand…. Wow. It is as big as a ballroom and the bed I am in is right in the middle against the long wall.

It isn’t just any bed I see. It is a four-poster like the ones I only know from fairy tales. I would put a princess in this bed, not me. To my left there is a mirror desk against the short wall. From the bed I can make out there is a lot of stuff on it. I really want to check things out, but I am a bit afraid. To my right there are double doors in the short wall. A while away from it there are three luxurious cushions to sit on.

Right across of me there are also double doors. Where would those doors lead to for havens sake?

The whole room has an aubergine/crème colour-scheme. I find it very tasteful, exactly like I would have done it. I wonder how I got here though, and where the heck is here!

I get pulled from my thought by a knock on the door. What should I do? After all, I don’t belong here, even though it feels familiar for some reason. I also don’t know who is knocking, for all I know it could be a creepy figure with ill intent. Yet I hesitate, because I would like to meet a friendly person…

Before I know what I want the door opens and a beautiful lady walks in. She has beautiful dark hair, beautifully done-up, through which her face is clearly visible. Her eyes radiate pure love and her presence seems to envelop me in a blanket of serenity. All cares and all questions fall away from me. I know things are right. I see the woman is speaking to me, but  I can’t hear the words. This bothers me, but the moment I feel bothered the feeling ebbs away to be replaced by warmth. I don’t have a clue as to where this warmth is coming from, but it is not important to me. Weird.

The woman has walked to the other doors and gestures me to follow her, something I do without thinking. As soon as I join her she opens the doors. To my surprise I see it is an enormous wardrobe. In the back of it is a mirror in which I see myself. What a beautiful gown I am wearing. It is shining like silk and a soft blue. All edges have slight lacework, not unpleasant. I look down to see if I am actually wearing it. Yes I am… this is as weird as everything else, so why am I staying this calm? Am I dreaming? That has to be the answer. It is a beautiful dream, so I decide to go with it.

I look at the woman. Without speech, but with gestures she lets me know I can change clothes and closes the doors while leaving the room. I decide to take a look at the clothing available and to my joy I discover that everything in there is completely to my taste. There is so much to choose from, yet choosing isn’t hard because in the middle of the room is a stool with such a fine set of clothes I am sold immediately. Black jeans with rhinestones around the pockets and at the bottom of the tapered legs. On top I would wear a pale pink blouse without print or anything. The shoes a black leather. Elegant round noses and a light garland crossing it from the outside at the nose to the inside of the ankle. As soon as I am done, the woman opens the door again and gestures me to follow her. She walks to the other end of the room. As I am following I realise the only thing obvious about her is her head. The rest of here is a haze, jet I feel like I am dealing with a slim, elegant woman. I have the feeling I know her, but before I build up the courage to ask her about it she turns around. She gestures to some jewellery.

To my surprise there are thing here that belong to my personal favourites. My own wristwatch, the two rings I always wear (one for friendship and one for the family ties it has to my mother and through it to my grandma), the necklace two friends and I had made after school to symbolize our bond, the silver earrings my sister in law and her husband had given me for my birthday and the bracelet my boyfriend had given me, but which I had lost a while back. I put on the jewellery, thankful for the fact they are the ones in my jewellery case that are most dear to me.

The woman walks to the doors that are straight across the bed. I follow her. We end up in a huge hall. The only thing in it is a marvellous fountain in the middle. A huge, round, white room that would feel cold if it wouldn’t be for the fountain. The fountain however is an impression of nature, with beautiful landscapes chipped out of stone together with the splatter of water gives the room warmth and tranquillity. The whole wall is covered with white doors, but it isn’t obvious where the exit is. As soon as I look at the woman I know she is inviting me to take a look behind every door, starting on the left. She does not have to speak, I feel her intentions, and she feels mine, because before I say one word she seems to understand my thoughts.

I walk to the first door and open it. Strangely I enter some sort of café. I walk away from the door a bit. Inside there is a cosy crowd. Amidst the hustle a little girl wanders. She feels familiar, just like this place, even though I have never been here. I am so focused on the child I only notice the woman that walked toward her when she lifted her up. I know this woman to! At that pint the recognitions goes further than before. The woman standing there is my mum, I am sure of it. This knowing is strengthened when I see my dad appearing behind the counter. They are much younger, but still clearly recognisable. At once the question arises: who is the little girl, but I instinctively know the answer. It is me. The warmth I receive from my parents is overwhelming. I notice they receive double the warmth they are giving to everyone. I slowly move back to the door. This place feels terrific, but I have seen what I have to see. The next room awaits me.

The woman that has guided me up to now is nowhere to be seen. I regret that, but I know she will be there if I need her. Behind the next door I find a huge living room. It does not have one style, but is a combination of a lounge/bar/living room. In this room my whole family has collected. I don’t know everyone, yet I instinctively know the family ties. This room gives me the feeling of power, as if I build a foundation that will hold the heaviest building because of this family. The foundation has this strength because of the fact that the flaws are clearly visible, but they are accommodated by the strong points. This room has also showed me what I needed to see. My foundation is a good one.

I hesitate at the next door. I don’t know why but this room doesn’t feel right. At that moment a feel a hand on my shoulder. The tranquillity I felt before returns completely. When I turn around I see my guide standing there. Strengthened by her presence I open the door and go in. The woman does not follow me and I realise I have to process the information behind the doors on my own. I walk further in, but after a few steps a feeling of desolation washes over me in such a way I can’t move anymore. Despite of the feeling I can get myself to look around me. I am in a movie theatre, but is completely empty. I desperately wanted to walk away, but I know this emptiness is not the message. It is this empty because I will need this much room to process. I decide to sit down while I await what will happen. After a couple of minutes a movie starts. I am in the lead. I don’t like seeing this movie, because it consists of all horrible moments of my live. The fights I’ve had with friends, parents and other family members, the moments I felt hopeless and the moments I simply did not want to exist.  I actually don’t want to finish watching this movie, but I can’t get up, I have to watch. Tears stream down, but I can’t stop. It is like all the pain I locked inside for all these years because I did not want to feel are bursting out of my body right now. At the end of the movie I need least an hour to calm down. I wonder why I had to see these things, like I often wondered why I had to live through it. Slowly an answer is starting to form. I needed to see it to be able to give the things that happened a place the can exist without hurting me. That is what has happened, because the desolation I felt when I entered was gone and replace by relieve.

I also realise I have had more friends than I could remember. Because of all the bad memories from that time, the good memories had been driven to the background. Yet every bad thing that happened in my life has brought something good I realise. I’ve learned something from every situation that helped me in new situations. It has made me stronger as a person. I realise the clear feeling that I am done here, so I start my journey to the next room.

While I leave the movie theatre I see my guide on the other side of the room. I see her smile clearly and feel she is proud of me. With a lighter heart I walk to the next door, but once there I realise here is a lesson to be learned with unpleasant things as well. Because I know the results will be good I manage to build up the courage to enter the room

After a few steps the feeling of happiness leaves me here as well, only this time it is replaced by fear. I don’t need a movie theatre, because al fears flash in jumbled images before me. My fear to lose my family, my fear to lose my boyfriend of the possibility to do the things I love to do. Yet I find my biggest fear is to lose my boyfriend. Why? Are all things inferior or what? No they are not, but my relationship fills up most of my life at the moment. The rest isn’t less important because of it, I am just not as aware  of it. Because of the fact my relationship takes up the biggest part of my life, it is only natural my biggest fear lies there as well. That and I know everything else longer. The relationship brings a lot of new things, through which new fears can grow. I am glad I realise this, because I know I don’t have to be afraid because of it. Fear isn’t a bad thing though because fear helped me handle some situations with more care, which is why things worked out. The feeling of fear is replaced by serenity. This room as also been able to teach me a lesson.

How many rooms will follow? I hope I don’t wake up, because I want to experience this dream until the end. While I leave the room I look around the hall. Empty. The fountain is happily gurgling and I notice that it is more colourful every time I leave a room. Next door it is.

Insecure about what it is I will find I reach for the handle. My feeling stays positive, that gives me courage. In seeing the room behind the door my jaw drops in awe. Unbelievable! From the hall I step straight into the forest. I look around me in amazement. No walls in site, just the door I just walked though, other than that just everything is green. Even the sounds are that of nature. I decide to walk on and after a few minutes I even find a pond with ducks swimming delightfully in it. Everything I have seen until now falls into place, gives me room for overview. Will this be the last door? Yes, I am sure of it. There are no more doors to go through for now. The doors I have went through have wrapped up my life to this point short and sweet and here at this place I see the complete picture. The warmth my family gave me, gave me the strength I needed when I had to learn through unpleasant happenings. These happenings in turn helped me crate fears that helped some situations work out because I handled with more caution than I would have used otherwise. Al these things eventually brought me to where I am now.

Even though I don’t always feel happy, those moments of happiness are worth more than anything. I find I have a strong longing for my boyfriend right now, I want to share this feeling of happiness with him so badly.

All of a sudden my guide is there. “Do you see it wasn’t as bad as you thought after all? You opened up past the first impressions and found you know happiness in all the love around you. I knew you could do it and am proud of you.”

I can’t believe it, my guide speaks! I understand her words, like we hear each other in our daily lives! She is smiling because she knows what I am thinking. I want to know who she is, but am afraid to ask. She tells me I know the answer and I know perfectly well this wasn’t a dream either, but an answer to the question on what to do with myself. I have an answer for both questions, because she is right. I know she is my grandma and I know I just need to go on with my live to spread and share my happiness, like I learned from my parents. The warmth I felt every time is love and thanks to this experience I have returned to the basis. Grandma hugs me. I close my eyes in the hopes this moment may last forever. She whispers in my ear: “Tell you mother everything is ok, I don’t blame her for anything and will always love her. You know I will be with you when you need me, you are never alone.” I feel wonderful, like I am floating. When I open my eyes carefully, because I want to see my grandma one more time, she has disappeared. If I look besides me, my boyfriend is lying there. A wave of warmth goes through my body and I decide to cuddle up against him for a while, after all you have to enjoy every wonderful moment.

 

That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I find it refreshing to ‘read’ it again. My once in a lifetime experience, shared here in public, in hopes it might help you as it helped me.

 

Love
Dreamer

Weighing words

When I started this blog I said it would be sort of my diary. In a way it is. I share rather personal things through my blog, without too much hesitation, because it is an anonymous blog. Sure, my family and friends know it is me and if you stumble upon it without knowing I think you will know it is me without me telling you if you know me in real life, but it is still easier to write when it feels anonymous.

That said, I know I can’t or won’t put just anything in my blog. I try to think about my words before I put them online. Not the spelling as you might have noticed, but the meaning of the words. Why? Because using internet is a bit like having superpowers. With great powers comes great responsibility. You have to think about what you put online, because it can influence lives in ways you hadn’t thought about.

If I had a bad day and people ruffled my feathers I don’t go online to chew them out. For one, they might stumble upon my blog and recognise themselves, confronting me with the fact I put it online, but did not confront them in person about it (because I hate conflict, I leave people be rather than confront them). Then there is the fact that internet can break people if you are not careful. The mind can be a fragile thing, so try not to hurt people if you don’t have to. A compliment and a curse are just as easily given, but the curse will do loads more damage than the compliment can ‘fix’, if it can fix anything at all.

Way back when Hyves was still a thing I posted a blog once. I felt a bit down, just a bit, not too much. The one thing I keep forgetting is that my mind is sort of a shaded place. Nothing I can’t handle. I know the shades and how to manoeuvre around them to be ok. But I forget that other people might not get that. So I posted a blog about my bad day, just to ‘air out’ some feelings. It did not take long for my friends and family to start sending me messages asking if I was ok. Did I need someone to come by and talk to, did I need a hug. They read something that stated I was done with everything. For them the post was dark enough to worry about me taking my own life.

I’ll be honest, I have been on that point in my life more than once. This was not one of those times. The thing is, my mind is a wonderful place to me, but there are shades I have to watch out for. People reading this didn’t see shades, they saw  night. I learned to weigh my words better that day, because I had people worried while nothing that bad had happened. Every blog I write I try to think about the impact it might have on people. No that’s not true. I try to think about not having a bad impact on people. I don’t think about it having a good one.

See, that is one of those things, I concentrate on the negative, but at the end that is a positive thing, because I just don’t want to hurt or worry people. Don’t think about me no posting important negative feelings. I will deal with those in appropriate ways. I will take care of my mental health, but it will not be the thing I want to post about. Not because of you, but some things I am better at handling alone.

Why this post if that’s my take on it? Well last night (it was past midnight) I read a post of someone I haven’t met in real life. I ‘met’ this person online in a slack group. I don’t know any of those people in real life and I have not been in this group for long, but it feels like a warm group of people. One of them mentioned working on a blog post and I immediately felt like I would want to read it, so I asked if I could. I got a link to the blogsite and started reading the minute I came home from the movies with friends. The blog touched me in a good way. Here was a person that has been though a lot with so much positive energy coming from the posts it made me feel warmth. Loads of it. There is this one post I will definitely go back to whenever the shadows in my mind will be too much for me, because I feel like it will always bring light to those shades and help me defeat them.

This blogger started another idea in my head as well. ‘Way back’ in 2007 I wrote a story. I shared it with friends of mine, but I think it is time for me to share it with another audience. Maybe it is taking a risk of someone else taking liberties with my work, but I don’t want to think that way. I will trust in people to use source reference and giving respect to the author of a piece if they talk/write about things. I will entrust my story to the internet. So be warned, the next post that will come online will be a long one. It is an experience I had. Maybe it was I dream I remembered when writing, maybe it was something else, but know that it is actually about me. Not something fictional, but my life, my feelings, my story. I hope it might inspire people, who knows. I’ll have to translate it first, so I don’t know when I will post it. Could be Thursday, since that is my normal day for posting.

Let me finish this blog by thanking AMindOfSorts for the warmth I got from reading your posts. May your future be a bright one, with lots of love and friendship.

Love
Dreamer

P.S Go to the blog and find out for yourself https://amindofsorts.wordpress.com/

 

A day late

Last week has been an interesting one. I had a job interview yesterday. That’s why there was no blog when it was supposed to be posted.

You see, this interview took place about an hour and a half from my house. The woman I talked to has a business that helps people regarding the funerals of their loved ones. She is starting to branch out of her region, so she is looking for people who can work for her when the spreading happens. In other words, I had a job interview that does not bring me anything in the near future, but it is a start in getting into the field I really want to work.

I went in, knowing she hasn’t got places to work with in my region yet, so I thought, half an hour tops. She wants to get to know me a bit, but nothing concrete jet.I’ve been in there for about four hours!!!! The thing is, I was supposed to visit family afterward before going home. That had to be cut short because of the long talk.On the other hand, it feels positive the talk lasted this long, because it was one that felt relaxed, like friends meeting.

I hope good things come from it, but the interview, family visit and other things around the house that had to be done made me forget about writing a post. Sorry *shame*.

Well, here it is anyway :D. Today will be a good day, because I am going to enjoy dinner in the company of a very good friend and today we are watching…….. SUPERNATURAL PARODY 2 by Hilly and Hannah. It came out yesterday and we are going to watch it together and record our reaction :D. I am soooooooo looking forward to watching it. It was hard not to watch it yet, but time is there!.

If you have never watched something of The Hillywood Show, you should, you are missing out!Please go to YouTube and look at their awesome work. It is mind blowing. Can’t wait to see it, but I’ll have to. In about 15 minutes my friend will pick me up, we’ll go shopping for dinner and then we can watch. My sister already told me the second one is even better then the first one :D. She send me the link, so I’ll type it up for you, hoping it will get you to the video. https://youtu.be/Nsy06n-omrg . Let me know what you think about it will you!!!

I’ll end this blog now, even though it is a bit short. Write to you soon.

Follow-up, actually saw supernatural parody. It is awsome!!!!!!!!

LoveDreamer

dream diary?

Ok, this time I started in reverse. Normally it’s not a problem to start in English, but I dreamt again, last night, this dream was so strange I started typing in my native language to be able to type as fast as I can in order to recollect as many details as possible. I think I a m ready for a room with padded walls and a nice white coat that closes on the back and has nice long sleeves. At the end I would like to hear if you agree or not. Here I go:

When I just left school I found a job as receptionist at a notary. In this dream a former colleague came to me. Yes you read it correctly. A former colleague. Not the notary I worked for back then, but a former colleague. I don’t think there will be any confusion about that for anyone, after all I mentioned who came to me three times by now. Ok. We started a conversation. Long and boring part short…. would I be interested to work for the notary again. Yes please! We send and old fashioned text message to my former colleagues containing the teasing question: “I will be your new team member…. Who am I”. No pictures, no group chat. This was old fashioned, like it was on my first phone, which is strange, because that phone was replaced by a smartphone a long time ago. No-one would know I send the message, unless they would have stored my number. The idea was no-one would have. Even though my message was old fashioned I got one back that contained a picture…. send by my sister? When did she start working for the notary. Not really a question I was going to ask at night, so in my dream it is totally normal for her to send this text. It’s not weird that all of a sudden I have a phone that has the capability to receive a picture with a text either. It is a picture of a ‘present’ I had given to her a long time ago which contained my name. It was some sort of notebook with stickers to put in it. A present you would give to a little girl rather than a grown-up. I had written something in it back then and signed it with my name. She was sure it was me. ( “Duh, caller-ID” I think wile typing this.) My text was send in the afternoon, the text of my sister came that evening and the next day I started work at my ‘old’ job.

Small side note. I don’t work there anymore because of the financial crisis that happened back then and there was less work to be done. He had to let people go, which is a whole other story I am not going to tell right now. The only important thing to know is that this company had to run on a minimum amount of employees for a while. Back to my dream.

This building did not look like the one I knew. It was big, lots of hallways, lots of rooms and on every wall where these huge letters spelling out which services the company offered. The building felt like a hospital. Only here no patients got cured, here services got provided. The ceilings were high, there were a lot of glass walls and the ones that were not made of glass where white. De words that hung on those walls were a light brown. They almost seemed to be made of coffee. I walked through the hallways for quite some time and ended up in an open space. It reminded me of a school cafeteria, no chairs and tables, but a lot of people talking to each other in small groups. At that moment I got another text from an old colleague, who was sure I was the one coming back as well. The colleague that had come to take me back was standing right next to me when I received it so I was told we were going to give a price to the sender of this text, because he/she was the first one with the correct answer. The colleague had already been told he won and I was struggling with myself because I really had to tell them that the winner was my sister, who was not my sister in my dream?. If I didn’t say something right know I would have to tell my sister she didn’t win because I wat too afraid to talk. A prospect that scared me as well.

Complete transformation in my dream world.
All of a sudden I am standing in front of a building together with my colleagues, but not with my sister. It is a low building, no storeys, square and a mild yellow colour. It is not too big and reminds me of our old community centre (only without other storeys). All colleagues were dressed in weird getups. Clown wigs, without the complementary make-up, were on top of some heads. One of them is dressed as an ‘elderly’, but most of all ‘funny’ costumes. I have no idea what they are supposed to be, but those are obviously characters they assume for work. One of them comes from the building with a few clothes, something I seem to think is normal. The clothes are hers, I can try them out to see what my work attire will be. It is mostly green around us. Trees, bushes, stuff like that. Not a person or building other than the one already mentioned in sight. There is a pick-up truck however, we were standing around it when the colleague came from the building. The car was a mild yellow, the hood and wheel covers a coffee colour. (hmmm, recurring colours?) I undress in front of everyone, standing in my briefs. Not all of them seem to feel comfortable with this, something that strikes me as strange. I get a thick pyjama kind of suit. The thing is a mustard colour and has a print of hotdogs ( I think, at least it has a print, but I really think they were hotdogs. And again brown/yellow?) They gave me a weird sort of scarf made of some kind of aluminium foil. The thing was blue and white and I could wear it around my neck or wave around with it. With the outfit apparently came a song: “From front, to back, From left, to right”. A song I should know the lyrics to, but the lyrics in my dream don’t match the ones I know. My character is a party animal, so that is what I will portrait when I start work.
I still don’t have a clue what it is I will be doing in my dream. I look ridiculous, as do my colleague, but in a strange way everything feels completely logical to me. Of course this is how thing have to be.

Ok, we are going to work.  We pass between two trees and arrive in the streets of…. A zoo? An amusement park? Still no clue where I work, but there are a lot of people walking in these streets and we are going to entertain them. I think I remember there were animals people could go and see, that is why I chose for mentioned options to wonder in which streets we were walking. There were a few houses, almost like a district with just five houses or something where build. Other than that it was an open space, and jet I manage to get surprised while walking around a corner, because apparently my colleagues are giving away a show and I join them quickly. Literally, because they formed a line and are holding hands, so I quickly get to the back of the row.

At some point the surroundings change while I am working. We are no longer in the streets, but on some sort of ginormous cruise ship. In the background there are huge flats made of dark red bricks. I am standing with my back turned to the bow of the ship and all of a sudden two strange things come from the air on the right hand side.
I am not good at drawing, too bad, but wat you see above this blog is the closest I can get to the ting that I still see in my head. A miniature flat? I wish I would be better at shadows and stuff.
The thing had three ‘legs’ and the middle part towers above those. The legs are equally divided underneath this middle part. It reminds me of Tetris blocks, 3d an weirdly grown together to make this tripod figuration. The two things land on deck and the top of them start to retract like a telescope (something I tried to draw as well).

My gut tells me this is not something good. Danger!!! Hide!!! On the other hand I am curious, so I keep glancing at it. Not to smart, because no I don’t have time to hide. In all of this I am still with those colleagues in strange costumes. I have no idea who or what came out of those tripod flats/Tetris blocks, but they turn out not to be friendly indeed. All of a sudden people die like flies in my dreams. Someone gets thrown over the railing here, someone gets turned into ashes by a heat ray there.

We go forward in time (what have I been doing in this time, I just saw those things land and all of a sudden they have been here for several months or years?) Everyone is afraid of the inhabitants of the tripods. If you’re not careful you are next in line to die and the technique of choosing is quite random.

At that moment a siren wails. All children start running, because apparently it is “kill the first kid you get your hands on” day. Al “tripod gods” get to kill a kid so that is what happens, gruesomely. I dreamt this part in detail as well, but I am not going to write that down. The fear I felt was intense. So was the fear. How dare the kill these kids like this! I want to ‘help’ but am to afraid. I feel like a coward. So many people are dying every time, but none of us act on it, because we are scared to die as well and glad we are still alive. I have to do something, it does not matter was.

At this point I wake up, realising I just had a VERY strange dream and keeping as still as I can. “I need to remember! Shall I get up an write it down? No I will stay here just a while longer, I can write my dream down in a minute”. I fell asleep again. When I woke up again I was still aware of the bizarre dream. Some fog was already surrounding it, so I got up and started typing. Ooh, the things that come from the sky, I can’t forget those, quick draw them, go on typing. Put as much detail as you can on paper.

So I did. At first I typed up the skeleton of the dream and after that I went back to the beginning to adjust the text, to get as many details in as I could. Trust me, nothing has been added by me. It was truly another dream. I have no clue as to how my head thinks up these crazy scenes. I do know I have been having a lot of vivid dreams again lately. Ah well, I can share those with you then. How many are there up to this point? Three? Four? I don’t feel like going through my old blogs to find out, but here you are. I am curious about your thoughts regarding this dream. I am starting to get the impression my ‘diary’ is turning into a ‘dream diary’. Sorry for the long post.

Love
Dreamer

 

Dreaming again

Summer has decided to stay it seems, I’m happy about it, even though it is hot out. Better hot than cold and rainy, although that can be nice and pretty as well. I prefer warmth. Vacation for me is not finding a mountain full of snow and sliding down the thing. I prefer sightseeing old stuff alternated with being at/in a pool and the sun keeping me company throughout the day. In other words, I feel like I have a vacation at home except for the pool. And the fact that someone else has cooked dinner. And the fact that the rooms get cleaned without my lifting a finger. And just going to breakfast instead of making it. And not working, but sightseeing.
Ok, so it is not a vacation at home, it is just vacation weather.  I am happy nonetheless.

So not much is happening because of this weather. I don’t do anything unless it needs to be done. But I found that I’ve had such vivid dreams these last few days it is crazy. When I get up in the morning they linger, I actually remember the dreams. If I would have been smart I’d have a dream diary as well, but I don’t so I am sorry, because most of these dreams slip away after an hour or so of being awake. I remember something afterward, but most of it is gone. I do remember that most of them involve treasure hunts or being chased by bad people, so all in all a whole lot of physical exercise is happening during the night. Too bad it does not show when I wake up. That would be great!

One dream I kind of remember, but day by day it slips a little bit further away from me. It involved a house or rather small castle of some kind. It was beautiful, not to big, in the middle of nowhere by a lake. I had been in love with this place for a while and somehow it was for sale now. My partner and I had bought the place and some-one gave us a tour through our new place. The main hall almost looked like a hall at the airport. Loads of windows, two stories up, but no floor in the middle. If you looked up you actually saw the floor above. It had a metal ladder like a fire escape to get up. Wait, I just figured that fire escapes don’t look the same in every country. It was sort of a metal spiral staircase where the steps have these holes in them like a cheese grate. I hope that helps a little. If you went up the stairs you had these nice little spaces that almost felt like a windowsill. Those things you can sit in and feel cosy. Behind that hall there was this space that had the feel of a loft, where the living room and kitchen and so would be. Now don’t ask me why, but the other rooms of the place where in a separate building. That thing had more of a medieval feel. Small rooms with stone walls, wooden doors and wooden beds. Those beds you see in movies when people go to jail and there is a “plank” held up by two chains in the wall.

There was a third building that was part of the purchase, and this building was something that concerned me. I was rethinking the buy because of it. It was kind of a church/monastery sort of building. It had this room meant for prayers that was sooooo beautiful, with tapestries on the walls and candles. The room just gave of such serenity! There where gardens with that and people were getting tours through the thing. The guide told about all the violent deaths that had occurred on these grounds before they build al the structures that where now there, so the place had ghosts. You actually saw the wandering around the garden an church halls! They were not the Harry Potter kind, but luckily for us, they weren’t vengeful either. Still, it made me reconsider the buy. My partner on the other hand was completely sold at this time, where at the beginning of the dream I was the one to say this was perfect and he was the one to tell me maybe it was not our best decision, now I told him maybe he was right after all, but he was already decorating the thing in his mind. No our old couch would have to go, we would buy a new one. And the walls were going to be painted in a very special style that does not exist in real life to my knowledge, that involved coins. Don’t ask me how that would have worked or looked, but my partner knew for sure that was what he wanted.

Now because he was so sure I knew we would have to stay here, ghosts or no ghosts, so I’d better make the best of it. This insane idea occurred to me just before I started waking up. I decided that the medieval building would become my workplace, where I would take care of people that knew there was only a short time left to live because of the illnesses they had. I would be the one to take care of them until they would die and make sure they were taken care of correctly before the funeral, so I would use the course I have taken and told you about in other blogs.

This is one crazy dream. For one thing I don’t have a medical degree, so how in the world would I take care of people that are dying and need medical attention. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up and I still think the thing is crazy, but hey, you make up your mind on that. I would love to hear your ideas on how to analyse the thing.

Love
Dreamer