It has been a while, again…. Sorry but no inspiration means no blog apparently. I tried, couldn’t get myself to sit down for this, but good news… Slowly life is getting back to ‘normal’, so I should be able to write more frequent from now on. Fingers crossed. Or maybe not. Maybe you are glad I haven’t been writing things down for a while. In that case… Stop reading already. I’m not the making you read this… You chose to.

Soy partner and I are away from home for a couple of days. We rented a house in a vacation parc, brought our bikes and plan to cycle around this area to ‘discover’ it. We went to a little restaurant to eat and afterwards my partner asked me out for a walk around the park. Romantic…… Until my mind wanders to places it shouldn’t.

We walk past the tents (a part of the parc is reserved for them) and out of a gate that closes at 23:00. For you information, we went out of the parc well before 20:00. Exiting the parc we walk on a forest path. How lovely….. Not.  Twilight is here and I imagine groups of people hiding away behind the trees. Why would they do that? To attack unsuspecting people walking around like nothing could happen, why else!

We get to a hardened road. Yes, that should mean cars, houses, people other than the ones waiting to take us on. We will just have to walk a bit further…..lights ahead of us, that’s a car, I’m sure of it. A voice calls out, stay to the right! Okay, not a car (I’ve got a case of night blindness, so don’t judge please), it’s a group of kids on mountain bikes, a man leading told them to stay to the right so we could all pass eachother in a safe manner. Okay, that’s not scarry, true. Five steps further I look to the left, there’s a path. We will definitely not be taking that path!!!! There’s a woman in a white jacket with a bright pink children’s backpack next to her, sitting there. Alone. WTF! Nope, walk past her and fast…..

Next a path to a field, surely we will be able to get back on the parc grounds through there. There’s this container like building at the side of the field that’s been graffitied and it even looked a bit burned. My partner, who is quite normal mind you, is relaxed through all this, so when I say, what if there’s no entrance to the parc they simply state we will have to walk back to the road we came from. So that’s what we did, no entrance to the parc. It’s getting darker all the while. My mind is running around in circles. I need to get back! We walk on for a little bit.

Yes, another path and a building that looks like it belongs to the parc. Loads of kids talking, so this is safe… We walk there. Nope not the parc, it’s a camp place for kids. We walk past the building, in the hopes our parc is just behind it. No such luck. A group of kids is walking past the building with a camp guide and is obviously scared of us, asking the guide what we are doing there. The reply is we are probably walking a dog. We turn around to get back to the road. Ahead there are two paths to choose from. I don’t want to go on anymore, I want to go back. Take the risk to go back among the trees but know where we are going.

We walk past the kids, past the field, past the creepy lady that’s still sitting in the same spot… (Why, what is going to happen, THIS IS SO WEIRD!!!) We get to the path we came out of, I’m almost running by now. It doesn’t help that my partner really doesn’t get my imagination, so they start singing Thriller for fun. We get back to the gate, I’ve asked my partner if it’s not 23:00, so it would be open, like we’ve been away for hours. I’m not kidding, I didn’t feel safe until I got back through the gate.

Of course we got back safely, my mind is just weird like that, but it gave me something to write about. Hope you liked it.

Love, dreamer

Hide and seek?

Last night I had a terrifying dream once again. I was with my partner and we where in some woods. Felt like camping to begin with yet after a short period of time we started looking for a place the stay and wound op in some kind of cabin. We felt okay, but it wasn’t a romantic getaway, that much felt clear.

Somehow we needed to find a place to hide because a creature was roaming around? Under the bed would be to obvious of a hinding place. As would be under the other furniture or in the closet, so my partner had this idea to create a false wall by laying down some plating behind the bed. If the creature would come, there would be just enough space for us to hide, but we had to lay down on top of eachother.
Fine plan, but while working on this idea the creature could be heard nearby, so we needed to execute it quickly. We started working like crazy, only to find out the back wall had been rotting, so my partner nearly tumbled into a deep ravina when the wall broke open. We would need to find another hinding place and quick.

Then there was this other matter I’d been thinking about. We could hide all we wanted, but if the creature was like a dog, it would sniff us out in no time at all. You could hide, just not for long. So while my partner was trying to build the hiding spot that would fail, my mind went to stopping this creature from finding us by using its nose. Naturally my mind went to urine!? Don’t ask me why, but somehow I figured sprinkling pee around would do the trick, so I started collecting my own to sprinkle around. Apparently that wasn’t such a strange idea. We weren’t alone anymore and someone else started sprinkling urine as well.

How nice, working together to hide from something that eats you if it finds you. A perfect calming dream. People sprinkling around urine, walls that fall away and a creature coming nearer every second you are frantically working to stay safe. It was outside the door, so at this point it was every man for himself. No time to be polite. We scrambled to find a place to hide.
I figured the bed was a good place to get under, but not in a normal way. I tore of the sheets a bit (after all, I needed to be able to put them back on in order to hide properly) and clawed my way into the hollow of the box the mattresses layed upon. The creature burst in while I did this, so I can’t figure out how I didn’t get eaten at that point. Yet the creature didn’t get a single one of us. Everyone had been in hiding places that should have been easy to find, like under a table! Mine was the only ‘good’ one, but I was still getting in, when the creature bursted in. It must have been the sprinkled pee. It has to be. Either that or it saw us and thought “ugh dumb people! I had those for breakfast, maybe some other time. I’m gonna find me something more tasty.”

Point is we all survived and made this perfect hiding place right after. We made five capsules in the box of the bed, so when the creature came back, we would be in there in no time, pulled the sheets down and it would look like a normal bed! I guess we lived scared ever after, but with a great hiding spot and good company in a smelly cabin.

Love, dreamer.

I’m back

Hello, I know I’ve been absent for a while. Couldn’t find anything to write about at first, then I just got lazy. Why make time to write if I could binge watch after work or on my days of. When 2020 ended I told myself I would write weekly blogs again, but didn’t make the time. Right now I have the time, but not for a good reason.

If you want to stop reading now, I can understand, because this is gonna be a bummer. I have to air some feelings though. This blog started as a diary, and negative feelings belong there as well. So
you still have a choice, read on or end with the positive note I’ll leave you now. Even in the darkest night there are stars, wether you can see them or not.

On to the reason I’ve got time to write. My mother has been battling cancer over the last year. At first just in her lungs, but it spread to her bones. She’s been going through chemo and immune therapy. It has been tough on her, but she’s a fighter. She has been very careful, afraid to get infected with covid 19, but it found her anyway. And it found her in the week she was most vulnerable after chemo.

At this moment I’m in the hospital with my mum. All done up in protective clothing at a distance. She’s fighting for her life, tired because her body has been through so much already. She asked if one of us could stay the night. With the necessary precautions it should be safe and possible, so here I am. It sucks.

To see someone you love fight with everything they have and them asking you to please don’t think less of them if they can’t fight anymore. She asked me face to face if I could handle it if she would die while I am with her. I’ll be honest with you… I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want her to suffer. I’ll stand by her no matter what, because how could I live with myself if I wouldn’t.

My mum’s a fighter, all I can do is stand on the sideline and be there for her as much as possible. I will, I’ll be her cheerleader all the way, no matter what, because after all, that’s what she has been doing for me ever since I was born, be there for me. I’ve got you back mum, and so do the others


p.s. I’m sad to say she didn’t win from Covid19. She fought as hard as she could, but her body just couldn’t hold on. She’ll be missed. I might not be able to touch her anymore, but I know her spirit will always be with us.

I remembered a dream again!

There are a couple of young kids in an American/Vegas sort of street. They are presenting a movie they have made themselves. You can see it is made and created by kids, but nonetheless, a job well done.
That gets my thoughts to Curt Mega, who’s flying over our heads on some sort of scooter right at that moment. He crashes, so I go to him to see if he’s okay. A woman is pinching his nose so he can’t breathe. She is clad in black, has extremely long fingers and has her hands spread over his face.
No one seems to notice her, so I go over to stop her.
It turns into a fight. Not just with her, something with vampire teeth keeps trying to bite me. It has broken free from a jar that stood there.
I’m still nog sure if it broke free because of me, but it broke free and that didn’t make fighting to get the woman away from Curt any easier.

I’m afraid I can’t tell you if I succeeded either, because from that moment I am walking in a store, talking to someone (a hands-free call?)
We are talking about the fact no-one is living in the blossom world (too much time spend on sims 4 lately?).
I say my family has enough money, but it’s true, no one is living there.
When I get to the register I realise why, so I say: No one is living there, or I would go and live there. But how could I get friends if I’m the only one there, right?
I don’t hear a reaction from the other side and the people in line look at me like I’m crazy.
I ask the person on the other side if he’s still there and get a reaction. Yes he is and has a solution.

On my way home I go to the blossom world to see if it has a population. In my mind I’m already moving my household. Then all hell breaks loose. I need to get to the hospital to give some blood before going to work (for real today as well, because I’ve got huge feet due to my boding holding water).
There a press conference stating it is not safe to leave your house.
An army of creatures has taken over the world and is very dangerous.
Nobody seems to fear a thing, until they get told those monsters are like monsters from the Power Rangers, only much more dangerous.

 Fights keep happening. The creatures seem to want to eradicate us.
Some sore of Japanese mafia (I am watching The sentinel and the last episode had… you guessed right, Japanese mafia), tries to keep grip on things.
I didn’t choose a side, I just want my life back. Everyone who’s not fighting isn’t word anything, so they won’t be kept alive to start a new life somewhere else, where we can all fight the monsters.
All of a sudden my little sister is standing in front of me. She is with a group of people and is holding a gun. “I hope you don’t mind, but I decided to fight” she says with a gleam in her eyes I’ve never seen before.
I think she really likes it! She lets me live, knowing I’m going to have to flee.

I do, but I’m not alone. There’s someone with me (no idea who). We have to hide, one of the monsters is coming.
We are in the monsters room when I suggest to hide under the bed.
The person I am with decides he won’t fit without getting into trouble, so he finds another place to hide.
I get under the bed, just in time. The monster falls down upon it and I nearly get touched by the bed.
The monsters feet  somehow are under the bed, also nearly touching me, I have to make some effort to stay away from them.

When the monster’s gone I go back to the blossom world, to see if there’s anything left to safe.
I decide to hide under a bed there until things calm down.
A little…….. girl I think, sees me hide and warns me they will kill me if they find me.
I ask if they look under beds and she confirms this.
I get out from under the bed. She’s not alone, she has a puppy. We decide to risk getting in line with people who are moving to the new world. We almost get caught, but someone is telling about our heroics (was that my sister) and we are allowed to walk on.

The next moment me and my partner live in a small apartment, no garden, so no green or anything, but we were alive, so we would make the best of things.
At some point we have a visitor and we are talking about gardens and how we don’t have any work to do in those anymore.
He tells us his partner is still tending to someone else’s garden when he’s away and how they want to do this perfectly, so it takes up a lot of time.
I have a similar complaint about my partner.
We talk some more, then my alarm clock interrupted.

Hope you enjoyed this.


Storytime 2

She didn’t know what to say. Panic washed over her and she couldn’t think clearly. Wat should she do now? If the boy couldn’t win from him, what chance would she have for god sake. The man threw her against the old Oaktree, pain shot through her back and in a reflex she picked up a stone and flung it to him. What happened next baffled her. That one stone took the man down.

She quickly went to the boy, to see how he was doing. He started to move a bit. When his eyes opened and he saw Sophie sitting next to him, his face got a surprised expression. Out of the bleu a girl was sitting next to him. Could this be the girl that belonged to the voice that warned him? She looked friendly at him and asked how he was doing. As an answer he put his thumb up. “Good”, Sophie said, “then that’s settled. I am Sophie, what’s your name?” The boy looked around. He saw a nice space with sand and went there. In the sand he wrote the name David in graceful letters. Sophie looked at him with wonder and asked why he didn’t just tell her. He ‘cleared’ the sand and wrote that he couldn’t talk. Sophie knew that would make communicating difficult, but David looked like he could use some help and she wanted to help him.

At that moment she heard moaning behind her. She knew that was bad and looked at David, to the spot the box was buried, to the man and back to David. What should they do? The man knew where to find the box and it was clear to Sophie David didn’t want him to, but if they would dig it up they would probably have to find a new spot to bury it. David seemed to read her thoughts and nodded, so they both dug it out as fast as they could. David grabbed Sophie’s hand and began to run. She couldn’t do anything other than run along. When it was clear the man was not yet behind them David slowed down a bit. He didn’t want to stop though and kept looking around. This had a contagious effect, because Sophie looked along. She didn’t even know why she fled or what the man wanted with the box.

After walking around for hours it started to grow dark. Sophie knew they had to find a place to sleep, but wanted it to be a place that was well hidden. All of a sudden she heard water falling. David had stopped walking and was looking around. Sophie walked towards the water. When David noticed her moving he followed. They arrived at a waterfall. Sophie felt strongly they had to go there, so she walked over to it. David stayed behind, confused, but when he saw Sophie disappear he followed quickly. Behind the waterfall there was a cave. The cave was filled with crystals. The moon had risen. Her light reflected on the crystals, causing the cave to be fairly well lit while still hidden.

Sophie sat down exhausted. She was hungry and thirsty, but above all curious about the box. Why was it so important for the boy that he wanted to bury it? When she couldn’t take it anymore she asked David about it. He looked uncomfortably at her. They sat between rocks, so he couldn’t write anything down. But it was important to inform Sophie the box could never be opened. How do you say that to some-one that doesn’t speak sign language. De decided reading lips would have to be the answer, so he pulled Sophie close and pointed to his mouth. He started to form words and Sophie repeated them out loud to be sure she understood him. “Ne far….ver. Never o..pen be….the…Never open that box. Is that it? Never open the box?” David nodded happily. She understood him. “Why should that box never be opened?” David pointed to his mouth again and Sophie said: “Day….ju… Rus,…. Dangerous. To dangerous?” David nodded again. Sophie wanted to ask why it would be dangerous, but David put his finger on her lips.

They heard soft footsteps outside and looked at each other in fear. Now what? As far as they knew, there was only one way out, and that was the way in. The footsteps rapidly came closer. Sophie’s heartbeat sounded in her ears, while David started to look for a way out. She wanted to get up and help, but couldn’t. The fear of what was about to happen turned her to stone. She fearfully watched the entrance. Could the man have followed them all day? The first time David hadn’t noticed him either and she knew he was there because she was watching T.V. How the hell did she end up here? A shadow appeared on the wall. It started out huge, but shrunk and clearly became a man. She looked at the shadow with fear. Before she knew it the man stood before her. It was the same man from earlier that day. He looked menacingly at her and said: “I don’t know why you are meddling, but I want the box, NOW! So tell me where the boy went.” Sophie looked around in surprise and saw David had disappeared. He had just left her, while she had helped him! The man took her by the shoulder and pulled her up. “You come along with me. We’ll find him together.”

To be continued…

This is as far as I got years back, so from now on I’ll have to use my imagination to get the story finished.





So, while being cooped up, I’ve found the beginning of a story I wrote some years back.
I didn’t even remember and it’s not finished.
Guess what….. It is going to become the item of wall talk. I’ll let you read what I already wrote and fill it up slow but steady.. at least, that’s what I hope. Now keep in mind, I was a lot younger when I started this, and I didn’t do any research, so…. O and continuity,  that might become a thing, because I put things online while I write on, so… I’ll do the best I can, but forgive me if things don’t add up. I won’t put everything I wrote down all at once, but I’ll let you know at what point I have to start writing again.

It doesn’t have a title yet, if you think of one along the way, let me know. When it is finished I’ll choose one :D. And if you feel like drawing pictures to go with the story, please do and send them to me. Maybe you drawing will be in the next post. Here it goes…..

Somewhere in a village far from here something remarkable happened. Everything began on a rainy night. Sophie was home alone, because her parents were traveling for a couple of weeks. Somehow she couldn’t fall asleep that night, no matter what she tried. She had tried to read first, because normally she could fall asleep right after. Then she tried falling asleep while watching TV, but that didn’t work either. How about trying some soothing music in the background. Nope. She tried counting sheep, it didn’t work. She tried listening to the rain and when that didn’t work either she decided to get out of bed. Maybe some warm milk would help. She didn’t think it would, but she had to try something. She would not resort to sleeping pills, even though some of her mother’s where in the house. She would only take those if she had tried every other thing she could think of.

Once downstairs she decided on dimmed lights, so she wouldn’t get to awake. She put some milk on the stove and got a mug to put the milk in when it was warm. She figured anise milk could do the trick, so she took some cubes to add to the milk later. It didn’t take long for her to get on the couch with a nice mug of warm anise milk. She sat staring while taking little sips, because the milk was quite hot. She figured she was bored out of her skull. When her parents allowed her to stay home alone she had pictured something different. Her friends did go away with their parents, so she had to get through the days on her own. At first she didn’t mind, but it had grown dull. While thinking, she had drained her mug, so she decided to go back to bed. She still didn’t feel tired, so she decided to turn on the TV. After surfing channels for a while she saw a cute boy on the screen. She kept watching interested. It turned out to be a movie. Sophie kept looking at the boy with curiosity, because he walked in a forest, and seemed to have something to hide. He wildly looked around all the time and finally stopped in a pretty dark spot, still looking around to make sure he wasn’t followed. Then he started to dig near a big old oak. It was the largest tree around, so the boy couldn’t have mistaken if he’d ever have to go back. When he obviously figured the hole was big enough he took something from under his coat and put it in the hole, closed it again and looked around nervously. Apparently no one was there, because he relaxed noticeably, while Sophie saw a man lurking behind a rock. She was caught up in the movie so much she wanted nothing more than warn the boy, but that would be pointless of course. He would never hear her warning. Never the less she called out and to her utter surprise he reacted.

That was impossible, it had to be a coincidence. In the meantime, the boy had noticed the man, so he came from behind the rock and the two started fighting. Sophie went out of her mind and got closer and closer to the TV. The man dealt some heavy blows and was obviously stronger than the boy. All of a sudden he knocked the boy out. At that point Sophie put her hand against the screen, shouting “No!”. Before she knew what was happening the man turned around, looked her in the eyes, grabbed her and pulled her towards him. She felt his breath on her face and his fist tightly around her wrist. “Who are you, and what are you doing here?” he hissed.

To be continued…



Jim and Danny

Let me tell you about Jim. He loved reading, because it didn’t involve other people.He could escape into another world. How he liked that.

The real world was one of disappointments. He would love to have friends, but people thought he was weird, so they gave him a hard time.The more they teased, the farther he withdrew, resulting in even more teasing.It had come to the point he stopped trying. Why bother right.Every time he let people come close, it turned out is was for a prank or something.Jim decided he was better of alone, so he kept to himself, answered grown-ups is they asked questions, but ignored all other kids.

This lasted some years. He was kind of happy with his life, so that was good enough for him.Then one day at school there was this new kid. Danny. Danny had changed schools, because his mom found a new job, that was too far from his old school. His parents were divorced, and Danny had to live with his mom.

At first things where okay at school. Danny seemed to fit in and have a good time. Then one day one of the kids in class started to tell other kids about Danny’s dad. Danny had to live with his mom, because his dad was in jail. He had killed a neighbour! It didn’t take long for this story to reach everyone in school. Even though the teachers said it wasn’t true, all kids believed it. They started to give Danny a hard time.

That was the first time Jim was left alone. At first he liked that. Then he saw Danny grew more silent every day. But hey, wat could Jim do, right? At least they left him be. This went on for some time, until one day Danny didn’t come to school. The teachers said he was sick, but the kids speculated his dad had escaped prison and kidnapped of killed him. Jim seemed to be the only one that felt bad for Danny, so after class he went to his teacher to talk about it.She told Jim she couldn’t talk to him about it, but after a while gave him Danny’s address. It turned out both boys lived just one street away from each other.

It took Jim two days to decide to visit Danny. Since the new target was no longer available, the kids had started to give him a hard time again, and he felt more and more guilty about being glad Danny had taken the heat lately. That was why he was standing in front of a door, waiting nervously, because he had just rang the bell. A woman opened the door and asked wat he wanted. ‘Hello, my name is Jim. I am in the same class as Danny, and I would like to talk to him please.” The woman’s face turned dark and she closed the door. Jim stood there, baffled. Now what? After a few moments he decided to turn around and go home.

He talked to his parents about it at dinner. They didn’t know what to make of it either, but suggested Jim tried again, and so the next day he did. This time, the woman that had opened the door the day before, closed it as soon as she saw who had rang the bell. Jim went home again, but decided to keep trying every dat. The fifth day the woman opened the door and started talking very loud. “What do you want shrimp? Want to make fun of my boy some more. Wasn’t it enough to pester him at school? Leave him alone, or I swear to god, I’ll kill every single one of you muppets!” Jim just stood there, looking at the woman uncomfortably, while she closed the door again.

That wasn’t going to work. Doing the same thing with the same result wasn’t a smart thing to do, and so Jim started to write a letter. A letter that stated he knew how it felt to be picked on at school. How he himself had always been alone and how he had given up on finding a friend. He ended the letter asking Danny if it would be okay for them to try and become friends. He left his address and home phone number, do Danny would be able to reach him. He wrote he would understand if Danny didn’t take the letter serious, because he had been burned believing crap like this himself before, and if he didn’t want to talk to feel better soon and in the meantime he would maybe like to read a book that was one of Jim’s favourites. Jim then put the letter in the book. He had more than one copy of it, because he loved it so much and some of his copies had started to fall apart. He hoped Danny would like it as well.

The next day he pushed the book through the mail slot at Danny’s house on his way to school. His plan was to ring the doorbell on his way home, but before he reached the door it opened. Danny stood in the doorway looking at Jim like he was deciding if he there was a hungry lion standing in front of him, ready to slam the door. Jim just stood there, waiting. He knew how important it was to take your time in deciding on how to deal with other people. That was not something to take lightly. After about ten minutes of starting at each other Jim said: “Every word in the letter is true, but only you can decide what you want. I’ve kept to myself all this time as well. I would like a friend. I would like people to stop picking on me, and when I saw they started on you, I felt safe, but now I feel sorry for not standing up for you. Maybe if we try to stand up to them together, we have a chance. If we succeed, our life will be better. If we fail, at least we have a friend to share our pain with. One thing is for sure… If we don’t change anything, nothing changes.

Danny invited Jim in. They talked for a long time. Danny had been miserable at school. His dad wasn’t in jail at all, that was something they made up, because Danny didn’t want to go along stealing a chocolate bar at the supermarket. Both boys exchanged stories. It turned out they liked a lot of the same stuff, so they decided to try and face the others at school together.

Nothing changed. Instead of one person being picked on, they now had two. But guess what. Those two had found each other. They stayed best friends for life and because of all the crap they had to take, they grew strong and could take anything that came along. These days they both have a partner, a job they like and the best friend they could wish for. Sure, it would have been nice to fit in, but to what expense? They stayed true to themselves and each other, and in the long run it didn’t ruin their lives.


smurf rangers

Hello everyone.

Sorry for not posting for a while.My life doesn’t really bring things to tell you at the moment.I don’t have adventures outside my house, since we need to stay at home as much as possible.I work from home, so I actually don’t get outside much.My partner goes to the supermarket and I talk to our walls.

The walls don’t have too much to tell either.I haven’t been dreaming lately. No, that’s not true.I have been dreaming, but I don’t recall de dreams afterward, so I can’t share them.I was waiting for an operation for my acnes, that was cancelled because of everything that’s happening.I don’t mind that much, because there are people that need help more than I do.Because of the cancelation I had a period of so much pain I couldn’t work, now that’s where this post is coming from.

I might be an adult, but I’ll never truly grow up. One thing that can be used as proof to that statement….. I still love power rangers. I have seen the series multiple times and still love it.Not just one season… I’ve seen them all and I still love them. When I feel bad I put on power rangers and feel better. Right now I’m in the last season I can watch. Started from mighty morphin up to beast morphers. While watching I found something funny.

For those who don’t know. Power rangers safe the world from different kinds of monsters, depending on the season you are watching. To fight those monsters they transform into spandex suits and to get those suits on they morph. To do so they always call out: “It’s morphin’ time!” Today however I heard: “It’s smorfing time” and then I saw smurfs in my mind. Little blue guys, morphing into spandex to fight Gargamel. I found that pretty funny.

So this blog is to leave you with the image of mighty smorfing Power Rangers. Have fun!



First things first….. I hope you’re all okay. These are weird times for everyone. Hang in there… I would like to say things will get better, and I believe they will, but I can understand if it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know what to say really, so let me give you this safe hug from a distance and a dream to distract you from things for a couple of minutes.

Now, sorry for being offline for some time. I had nothing to write about other than how bad I felt/feel with my acnes and I don’t want this blog to be a place of me dumping shit without something positive. That’s what I’ve got my partner for ;p

Now for the distracting part. I’ve had a dream. But I guess a lot of my blogs are about my dreams. This dream was so vague I hope it translates. If not, sorry, but trying to understand might help in the distraction.

So in this dream I’m in a house with someone else, someone I know in my dream, but I can’t connect to my real life. It’s not our house, we are supposed to watch over someone that does live there. Right from the start of the dream I know that’s just a pretence. They want to kill us by leaving us alone in there. It wasn’t an idea or feeling, I knew! I was as certain about it as the fact that I’ve got two hands.

So.. we’re in the house. The original occupant left us there with the person we are supposed to take care of. Well….. Person……. You have seen mannequins I take it. We were there with just the bottom half of one. Two legs and the hips those are connected to, nothing more. Ever seen Dr Who, with the living plastic? The legs where alive! The walked over to me and drove me in a corner.

I was scared at first, I mean it’s not something you see every day right! Than I figured, it’s a couple of plastic legs. They’ll have a hard time killing me. My friend must have thought the same, because they took the thing by the hips, lifted it and put it behind them. I came out of the corner and we decided to start making dinner. I glance over my friends shoulder….. The legs have a torso! Where did that come from?

Obviously this is cause for concern, I mean.. the plastic grows into more. Once there are arms and hands the thing will be more dangerous. Just as I knew the idea was to kill us that night, I knew the thing would keep its cool if we would boil water near it. I know, weird, but hey, that’s what dreams can be. We take a large pan, fill it with water and put it on one of those travel stoves. Why not a regular stove? No idea. The whole meal we prepare right then and there is made on those. We’re eating pasta. The legs and torso get some arms, hands and a head in the meantime, but as I knew, kept their cool. One minute you start with a couple of legs and hips, the next there are two human beings sitting next to a pan of boiling water, silent, not moving.

So obviously me and my friend prepare our pasta, sit down at the same table as the two plastic grown humans and start eating, all the while making sure there’s water boiling. I start talking to the things, feel like I’m connecting. We spend the evening helping them with their homework, talking and having fun. My friend takes one of the things to do something on a computer and I take the other thing to get it to bed. It talked about being afraid, so I put on some boiling water and lie down next to it. I know the other one wants to kill me for sure, because it doesn’t like me spending time with this thing. I saw the fire in its eyes, but hey, I took the risk.

At some point we ended up downstairs again, all four of us. Now that I’m writing stuff down I wonder how come it didn’t turn into more things, but hey, I’m glad it didn’t, and as a bonus we’re all alive at this point in my dream. That is, I think we are. They could have killed my friend and put a plastic lookalike in their place, but let’s go with they didn’t. We had water boiling all the time after all. The thing I’d brought to bed had even put some on by itself, because it felt better with boiling water. I guess that could have given them time to kill and clone my friend…. Stop thinking nonsense, back to the dream, that’s weird enough as it is.

So we are downstairs. It’s dark outside and there’s a whole lot of smoke/mist out there. Ever seen smoke on stage? Better yet, nowadays supermarkets have some vapour coming down over the vegetables to keep them fresh or something. The mist from the streets was coming into the house. It was barely noticeable, but I saw it happen. When we looked to the floor we saw the stage smoke, above our heads it was more of a barely visible vapour. Scary as hell. We thought it would/could kill us and started to think about what to do when……poof…..dream change.

Me and the friend are with the thing that wanted to kill me, only it’s a girl now, not a plastic human. We’re in some kind of mall. The girl says she needs to use the bathroom and my friend says: “fine, I’ll come with”. The girl tried to run away before and we barely caught her, so my friend wants to make sure that’s not the case again. The girl turns around, I grab here wrist to tell here she’s not running away again. People start to help here, but I explain she’s trying to run away from home and I want to make sure she doesn’t. People leave us alone. End of dream(s).

I know I wanted to distract you, but after writing things down, my mind starts working. Maybe the mist is the fear I have, the fear we all have. My dream brought me to an everyday situation when I couldn’t think of a way out. Well maybe not an everyday situation, but one I could handle. Maybe my mind told me not to worry about things I can’t change, but do things I can control instead. Let’s all do that. Do the things you can do to keep you and your loved ones safe and let the people that can worry about the mist.

To quote something that helps me a lot…. “The sun will come out, tomorrow…..”

Love dreamer

Loads of water

So last night my dreams were weird once more. As if there is any other kind with me. Let’s start at the beginning of what I remember. I’m in a hurry to catch the bus to work. I need to get there early, because I’ve got to work half an hour extra since I left early in Wednesday (for real. The things you take into account in your dreams, right?). I was all dressed up and late, so I go to the supermarket. (Dream logic is the worst)

Now before I go on… My dream combined two things I’ve seen on TV. Augmented reality and Spiderman far from home. For those that don’t know… Augmented reality is where something is recorded and with the magic of technology you see more than is recorded as a viewer. The put in another background, people, UFO’s, planes, you think of it, they do it. It is special, because if cameras zoom in or out or if the move, the augmented reality reacts like real reality.

Then Spiderman. I don’t want to spoiler, so I’ll give you one word and if you’ve seen it you’ll know what it is that combined with my dream. Drones. There. Now back to the dream.

While in front of the supermarket I heard a lot of noise above me. I look to the sky and see several blimps flying over us. I know they’re not real. It is a commercial stunt. The only thing going through my head is: “what a cool way of advertising your supermarket!” The next moment I’m inside asking my partner to please give me a ride to work, since I’ll arrive way to late if I’ll take the bus. They will, but will have to take care of something first.

They start talking to a cashier. Somehow my partner has a whole lot of coins and wants the cashier to exchange those for bills. They where already working on it, but it took forever! I somehow had bills as well, so I suggested partner and I could exchange instead. Nope, we could not. I would have to wait patiently, while they exchanged money.

I walked past them, around a corner. There was a corridor with some doors on the right. The first door had a metal fencing like the ones you can pass on sidewalks. Lots of space to pass between the bars. I went in the door and had a pirate adventure. It wasn’t real, Just like the blimps. I can’t tell you what kind of adventure, because I forgot. I know I had fun and ended in an ocean. I went back to the door, remembering I needed to get to work. I swam to the door, swung myself through the bars of the fence and started running to my partner. Then I remembered I’d brought bags with me. I went back in the water (that was real, because I was drenched), took my bags and went back through the door.

In mere matter of minutes the fence had been enhanced with barbed wire. I had to find a way through without ripping my clothes and somehow managed to do it! Back to my partner, on to work. At this point there’s a change of scenery. I’m in a corridor with a couple of people and I notice water dripping down in one of the corners. A leak! (I’ve got one at home for real. I live in a nightmare so it’s only fair that nightmare appeared in my dream.)

I need to find out where the water is coming from, so I open the door that should lead to a staircase. I want to get to the room straight above the leak. No stairs. How… I know it’s the right door. The person next to me said it was the wrong door, so more doors were opened, but without the desired effect. We closed all doors and I start counting. I open the same door as before, sure this should be the one, but it has a different interior than before. Lots of open spaces like the drawings with stairs that are walked on from above en underneath. So weird!

That’s the moment I woke up. I remembered the dream throughout the day, so that should tell you enough. Well that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed it.

Love dreamer


So how about that saying about life giving you lemons and you making lemonade? I think I’m going to need lemon aid instead. Why? Because I’m running out of ideas to make the lemon tasty.

Let me tell you what’s going on. Ever heard of acnes? Nope, not pimples… It stands for Abdominal cutaneous nerve entrapment syndrome and I’ve got it. I’ve had it for some years now. It’s painful, but on a positive note, it’s not deadly, at least not as far as I know. I’ve had two operations and I’m waiting for a third one, because it kept returning.

I tried to ‘paint’ you a picture of the nerve running along the ribs and where it hurts. Seems like I’ve got an entrapped nerve in my side as well (same nerve, different nerve-end) and frankly I’m done. I’ve tried to be relaxed about it, but it is taking to long, so I’m out of sugar! Give me a couple of hours, I’ll find some sugar again, I just felt like complaining for once. Forgive me that you have to receive that.

Now how about some fun items bin this blog? I am at the theatre, since it’s Friday. Today I am sooooooo happy, because I get to see kinky boots!!!! I can’t wait for the show to start, but….. My guts are rumbling, because I ate to much noodles. That makes me gassy. Oops.

While I’m writing this blog (luckily in a far corner with not too many people in my immediate vicinity I feel it rumbling and I couldn’t keep all air in. I don’t think there’s a smell, but can I be sure? Please don’t cancel the show because of a gas leak, there isn’t one, honestly. And please don’t throw me out either, I really really want to see the show. I promise to keep the rest of the gasses in my body.

I just hope I won’t explode because of keeping them in. At least you’ve got a plausible reason for not getting a blog next week (I don’t have one for not getting one last week). Sure I could just forget to post one, since I’m going bowling with work instead of visiting the theatre, but it’s more likely I’ll have exploded. Keep an eye out when watching the news and keep looking if I don’t start posting again later on. I could actually become a ghost writer!

Love, dreamer

The naked truth

Regarding the title, I don’t know how much truth will be in here and how much fantasy, but there will be naked! Not much, or maybe a lot, depending on your imagination.

A friend and I have taken a day for some me/us time. We both have a partner that doesn’t like the kind of relaxation we do, so we go together at times. Where? To the sauna. My friend is also one of my readers. Sorry darling, I don’t think you’ll find a lot of new information this time (k).

So the sauna is where the naked comes in. A whole day of wearing nothing but a robe when you’re not in the sauna. The freedom of being you! I tell the truth if I tell you I don’t look at the other people in a sexual way (my friend excluded I guess, but that’s a station we won’t visit, because I truly love my partner and I am a monogamous person). I don’t care about how they look, because I don’t like to be looked at like that when in a sauna. And as we all know… Do not do unto others…… You get the drift.

On such a day we talk about everything there is to talk about. (yes everything!) We relax and enjoy good food and drinks, but most off all the warmth. Or maybe most of all each others company. You choose. That day we did something new. We snoozeled. You what?!? We snoozeled. It a combination of snoozing and being pampered and it is goooooood!

You walk into a room with loads of people, all naked. (Get your mind out off that gutter, we are not going there! This is a respectable blog, or at least I hope so.) Everyone has their own bed to lie on, with a soft towel to cover ourselves with. The lights go down (nope, still not going there) and soft music plays. Two people go past everyone to put a hot stone on their sternum. Whenever they will be treating you they touch that stone, so you won’t startle. This way everyone got a mask, shoulder/face massage. Lower arms/hands, lower legs/feet massage. The whole thing took an hour and was….. Soooooooo lovely. (Nope we never went there)

All in all, we had a wonderful day of being naked and catching up. I wish such days for everyone, in the way they love to relax of course.

Love dreamer


Slowly but steadily I’m starting to turn into a social caterpillar. People who think I don’t know that it’s supposed to be a butterfly are wrong, I know…. I just don’t think I’m close to being a social butterfly. Baby steps people.

I can be super social as far as people see. I know how to talk about the weather and other nonsense, but it takes effort. Why go through the trouble if you don’t have to right? Most people would say “because it is fun”. It’s not always fun! But let’s leave that debate alone. To each his own.

I’ve always preferred to be on my own or in small groups. Loads of people make me feel uneasy, but you can’t always avoid it. Even though I see it that way, I started an education to become a social worker. I like people, just in small doses. At that point in my life I felt terrible. I would much rather die, but was afraid of pain. My mum informed school about my feelings. That combined with having trouble with some of the target groups made the school tell me I needed social interactions training.

Yep, I needed training in order to be able to participate in Smalltalk. I am glad for it, because I doubt if I would have been able to do that without the training. I firmly believe I would be a hermit that lives among people, but tries hard not to interact with them. But now I actually talk with people. So I’ve told you about the old man I’ve met at the theatre before. I didn’t meet him again, but last week I talked to three people!

See what I mean by social caterpillar? Slowly but steadily I start interacting with strangers at the theatre. Of course you don’t want to exaggerate, so today I’m writing my blog on my phone, so I can keep to myself. Small doses…. Maybe one day, if I get to grow very old, I’ll get to reach the butterfly stage.

Love dreamer

New year, bad start part two

As promised, I owe you the story of how the post of the second week didn’t appear, while I had planned to take only one week off.

As you know I go to the theatre on most Fridays. That Friday was no exception. I sat at a table, cup of warm water besides me (tea without the tea so to speak) and had my phone in front of me, typing up a blog. So far, so good. I was about halfway through when an older man came up to me, asked if I was alone, and after getting that affirmed, asked if he could sit at the table. Sure, take a seat. (The man could have been my grandpa, he just wanted someone to talk to).

The man sat down, so I had a decision to make: be impolite and finish the blog for you to read of talk to the man that looked a bit lost and alone. I chose to be a good person and talk to the old man. He told me he had made the decision to go to the play that afternoon. He’d taken the gamble, went in and got himself a ticket. He was all alone, so he didn’t do there kind of things often, because it is hard to do this when you’re alone. (I know, because I wouldn’t be doing this alone if I wouldn’t have had my pass)

He still had his own house and garden. Loved to work in his garden, but missed some company, especially  after sundown The world gets a lot smaller after sundown he said.

He knew how to keep himself occupied, but it was lonely, and so he decided he’d go to the theatre tonight and see how things would go. He didn’t have a clue what the play was about, but of the four actors three where old as well, and he remembered how he loved one of the actresses when he was young, so he came to take a look at someone from his youth. I liked the man a lot. It took guts to do this, buy a ticket, sit at a table with a total stranger and be honest enough to tell them you don’t know what you’re going to, but you like one of the actresses.

I truly hope he enjoyed himself and maybe I’ll see him this week, because another old actor has a show I’m going to. The old man seemed interested as well. The funny thing is… the man had a voice I loved listening to. It was a warm deeper kind of voice and his way of talking reminded me of someone. It took me most of the time listening to him to get the right name in my head. It is the same voice as an old comedian from my country had when he was still alive! I remember the comedian, because he is highly regarded in our country. The only images I’ve ever seen are in black and white, that’s how old he is. And this man in the here and now sounds just like that man in black and white. If I closed my eyes I would swear I was listening to something from way back when on T.V. I truly hope to see this man again.

So last week I wanted to post two blogs at once, since one was nearly finished, but then… It turns out that the application on my phone has issues. I’ve written on it almost every Friday. When I need to walk around I turn off my screen so I don’t write nonsense by accident. It is hard enough to read when I do it on purpose, so I try to keep is doable for you. It turns out the app won’t write text after I turn on the screen again. Nice! @#%*

While talking to the man the week before he told me his eyes were getting bad. He had trouble reading, so I tried to show him larger text on my phone. At that time I had the blog I was writing in front of me and pressed the voice to text button by accident. That meant I had to go back over the text I’d already written, to get out the nonsense. While doing this I had to move from the spot I was at, so I blacked the screen, went to another seat, turned the screen back on and….. couldn’t write. No matter how many keys I hit, not one letter appeared in my text screen. I fidgeted around, not knowing what was going on yet and……… lost the whole thing I had written down. Before I knew it the screen was blank and the app said the changes where saved. I couldn’t get the stuff I had already written last week back. So I started over, wrote part one and promised part two. Here it is. And since I had a dream in-between you got to read that before I put up part two. Be honest, where you thinking I would forget?

I would have thought that, but hey, that’s because I am me 😀

Until next time!


Ninja Robot

They’re baaaaaaaaaaack. The dreams have reappeared and I remember them, at least when I just got out of bed, so…. Here we go!

At first there is this demonstration of a ninja robot. Not just a ninja robot, nope, a killer one. It looks a bit like Wall-E, but completely black and not friendly. Red eyes and all (as far as you can speak of eyes in a robot). The thing drives around with a sword on its back and is capable of going up and down stairs, getting so low to the ground is it almost flat. Those Wall-E thread tires can move around his body an split, that’s how he flattens. He will approach his target with almost no sound and strike out very fast. You don’t have a change of escape when it comes for you.

The man behind the robot is very proud of his invention. It is a smart robot, made to kill. Yeah, that will go well. My dreams are like movies. These things turn to horror/thriller situations in no time. You never split up, you never go looking for things that are bad an everything that can turn around on you will. Sorry for the spoiler, but if you have been reading my blog you already knew this was coming. Let’s go on with the dream.

I asked the man if he’s not afraid of the robot. No of course not! He was smart enough to make an off switch on the thing. He’d show me. He calls the robot over to him, takes it in his arms and starts saying something inaudible, but definitely meant to calm the robot and prepare it for being turned off. I guess it didn’t like that, because before the man can flip the switch he gets killed by his own robot. Right, as I said, that will go well.

Next scene, no more robot. I am at home It is my home, but is isn’t the home I live in in real life. The layout is different, but I know I live here. I hear something outside and go to investigate. There is a man I don’t know. He’s in the garden of the neighbours, or at least where the garden should be. I look at the house and see it has burned down, as did the three houses on the other side of our neighbours house. I realise we have been very lucky this turn of the year, because our house doesn’t have a scratch. The man is interested in the houses and asks me to give him the ‘grand tour’ I don’t know why, but I take time to walk around with him and tell him about the houses and what they looked like when they burned down.

I guess that whole part didn’t last long, because next scene I’m back inside the house, doing something for myself when……dung, dung duuuuuuuung….. I hear something very soft, look through the crack of the door leading to the stairs and see something black coming down them very slowly. (while writing this down the hairs on my arms and in the back of my neck are standing up, I want to look through the window behind me to know if I’m truly safe, but I am scared to do so. Why don’t I sit in a chair with my back to the wall, so I can see danger coming, like a normal person would. Or would that be the paranoid kind? Who cares, I hate the way I’m sitting right now, but I’m afraid to move, so on with the dream already!)

I know it is the ninja robot, there to kill me. Why? Because I witnessed it killing the man that created it? I don’t know and I don’t want to find out. I start walking around in my living room like nothing is the matter, but I take my keys in hand, making as little noise with them as possible. I open the first door, come into some sort of extra room and have to get through another set of doors to get out of the house. I put my key in the lock and notice something black in the backyard. It heard me using my keys, knew what I was doing and went outside to wait for me there! What do I do now?

I decide to call the cops. Lucky for me dreams and movies work around time issues, because it only takes a second for the cops to arrive. They see the robot and drive up real close to it. The robot laughs (a human evil laugh, hear it come from an evil black Wall-E and try not to be scared, I dare you). It warns the cops to retreat or it will use a bomb. The cops reaction: “don’t be so stupid, you’ll be blown away as well.” This is how the robot knows they are not going to listen. A blast follows. The cops burn to a crisp and turn into a pile of dust (movie style). The Robot laughs again, turns around and looks me dead in the eye. I’m doomed.

At this point I wake up. At least I didn’t get killed, but I think I’ll be on the lookout for a while, just in case.


New year, bad start part one

The new year arrived, but two posts didn’t. Not because they couldn’t find the new year, but because I didn’t write them, or more correctly, because I didn’t write them completely. I had part of the second one, but things happened. I’ll come back to that later.

You didn’t hear from me the first week, because I decided to take a week off. Why. Nothing to tell, no interesting dreams, nothing. No that’s not completely true. The dreams were interesting, but I couldn’t remember them well enough. The only thing I know for sure is that I was running away from something in all of them and one of them made me think of stranger things, like I was in an episode or something.

I had one thing to share, but that could wait. It was about the last day of 2019. As you might have read before I always ride my bike to work and back and I’m afraid of fireworks. Fine combination on the last day of the year. You might think I would think ahead and take a bus, but then I wouldn’t be me, so no, I didn’t and I had a whole day to think about the ride home, since not long after arriving at work I heard the first fireworks explode.

The time to go home grew nearer and I felt more and more like sleeping at work and canceling all plans that we had made. The day brought loads of explosions and almost as many sirens in answer. I had to go through that madness! I decided to take the back roads, thinking kids would definitely be “playing” with their fireworks in the streets. They where, sure enough, but that doesn’t take away the fact that there are larger ‘kids’ on the fields I passed.

I paddled like crazy to get home as fast as I could, my mum on the phone (hands free) to keep me calm. She had a lot of “oh f*ck” in her ear. Luckily she understands fear. I kept her updated about how far along I was. My street was almost in view… Then fear struc even worse. There were so many loud bangs coming from our street! I told myself I had to go and so I went. Once inside my heart did everything it could to pass through my rib cage, muscles, skin and everything else it needed to pass to get out of my body. Luckily I’m not as fragile as I sometimes feel, because my body kept my heart from escaping. Phew.

I put on some nice clothes and make-up. My partner arrived in time and freshened up as well and off we went. Into the mist. Yes mist. So many people where playing with fireworks, while not much could be seen. I am sure they did it to scare me, it was all about freeing my heart from my chest. But guess what…. I won. If I can I’ll put up another blog today or soon. This week you deserve two. Let’s see if I’ll come through.

Love dreamer

The days in between

So Christmas is done… Just a few days left and this year is done. 2020 wil be a fact. Just a couple of days left. Am I proud of this year? No idea. Proud enough I guess. I didn’t do things that will forever be classified as bad as far as I remember.

Christmas brought three days of people and food. To much I know, so I behaved and didn’t eat until there was no room left. I ate just enough, and to be honest, I’m pretty proud of that! It is a necessity, but still, I was able to hold back, that’s something to be proud about. Even if you know you don’t want to get heavier, it is something else to actually act on it.

Another first for me…. I actually played a game. And what’s even more baffling…. I actually liked it. We had friends over at Christmas Eve. They know I hate playing games, because I am hate losing and ruin everyone’s day/evening as a result. But they had acquired a new game, send me a message upfront, asking if they could/should bring it. Since it was a game where all players would have to work together to win from the game I agreed.

These friends like social experiments, and my partner and me became one. I have to agree, it was a successful experiment! We lost twice, but won the third try. It was past midnight when our friends left. Lucky for them we won the third time around, because I would have kept them until we would have. Even if we would have to cancel every other Christmas or New year’s Eve appointment!

The next two days we spent with our families. Two more lovely days, but still no spirit (see last week’s blog). Let’s hope New year’s Eve will bring a bit more spirit. For now I’m pretty proud I played a game. I would even like to do that again, so thank you friends (you know who you are) for a new experience. Until next year everyone. Hope you all have a good time

Love, dreamer

Where’s my spirit?

I seem to have lost it… my spirit. Last year I talked about how warm this time of year is. This year I feel cold. So cold I can’t believe it. How can this be. I know I’m happy, yet I don’t feel the spirit.

I’ve put up my tree quite early this year (December 7th, is quite early where I’m concerned). I’ve visited two fairs. I’ve had a Christmas brunch at work, where everyone in my team made or bought something to eat/drink. It was lovely and delicious. We took some extra time to play 30 seconds, so we all had a wonderful lunch, but no spirit for me. I went along, even played the game (I hate games, because I can’t stand to lose), but nothing.

How come you feel so much joy and warmth one year, while there seems to be a black hole the next.
It’s not like I don’t want to feel the spirit, I just don’t… Maybe this year the loss of loved ones is in the back of my mind. Maybe I just don’t feel it because of other reasons. I can’t tell.

I don’t think I’m depressed right now, because I feel pretty good. I just feel a bit empty, because I miss the spirit. Ah well, better luck next year. For now, let’s get ready for some busy days and loads of food my body doesn’t need, but I will still eat.

This year one of the woman I hike with on Sundays suggested to have a Christmas with friends. Not on the actual days, because we all have family to deal with then, but just before. So tomorrow we are going to have a winter BBQ. Although winter… You could almost go outside in a dress and be oké. The weather is quite mild. Then Christmas eve some friends will come to have a pleasant evening with me and my partner (looking forward to seeing them again!). The next two days will be spent with my partners family and mine. And to complete the whole ordeal.. I took a look in my planner this morning and found out I planned an evening hanging out with two friends the day before Christmas eve. I haven’t broken this news to my partner yet and somehow I don’t think they are going to like that.

Then a long weekend and two day’s work left this year. Before we know it we have arrived in 2020. A new start… a new search for the spirit. Luckily for me I’ve got a whole year to find next year’s spirit (minus a couple of days, but hey, who’s counting).

I hope you all have your spirit. If not… We will survive. Since my spirit is missing, I’ve got room to spare for people who need warmth, just like me. Let’s get warm together. If you have you spirit, I hope (and almost know) you’ll share yours with those in need of the warmth. Together we will make the last days of this year special, each in our own way.


Dreaming up inventions?

This week I had a dream where I invented something for McDonald to use. So if you see this in use in future, I should be rewarded. I decided to share it with you, even though my idea might get stolen. But before I share my idea I will tell you about my weekend, because I think this inspired my dream.

Christmas is around the corner. Over the years traditions form. One of these traditions is visiting a Christmas fair in our neighbouring country with my partner their sister and her husband. This year was quite a nice one. Lots off stalls with lots to buy. Christmas ornaments, warm clothing, food, drinks, everything I want at such a fair. Including a Ferris wheel.

The day started with a drizzle, but it was supposed to clear up, so we decided to go nonetheless. To get out of the rain we entered a mall, but everything but the food and drink places was closed. That was one short visit. Back to the fair. I bought myself a Ugears (see picture above). And on our way out I bought a candy apple. No fair is complete without a candy apple!

Before leaving my partner’s sister and ride the Ferris wheel. It was cold, wet (even though the rain had stopped by this time) an there was very little to see. We where hoping for a nice view of the fair, but…. Nope. Buildings all around. To bad. We had fun though!

On our way home we needed to eat, so we stopped at a roadside place that had different options. One of those options was McDonald’s. (And that’s where a dream started to grow). All the other stuff was not for me, Mc it was. A big Mac menu. Now back where I live you get this awesome sauce, but not in our neighbouring country. Our sauce comes in a small plastic cup, theirs in a plastic bag you have to empty before you can use it.

What do you do then. Normally it’s no problem. Empty everything on the paper in the tray. This time we took everything in the car. I emptied my fries in the bag and put the sauce on the package of the fries. We had a nice weekend.

Now the dream. For real! I dreamt I thought up a way to take care of such messes as I had to deal with in the car. McDonald’s actually hired me for this! (At least in my dream. The solution? At the moment the holder has a longer back than front. If you give the front an extra wing on the bottom, one that has a logo when is flattened along the front, but when you fold it out, you can form it into a cup, so it holds your sauce!

Well what do you think. Would you like that? I know I would. That’s probably why I remember. Well that’s it for now, enjoy the lights and merrymaking. And if you feel worse because of it… Hang it there! You are worth it, it will pass.

Love, dreamer


Who would have ever thought it possible in this day and age? Not me, that’s for certain. I had given up hope, and then when you least expect it…. But I’m starting the story at the end, so let me start at the beginning.

When I was a lot younger I heard my parents talk about their life and their jobs. On TV I saw people working. I knew one day I would have to work as well. That’s a part of life, and I was taught the importance of a hard day’s work. I didn’t mind, was actually looking forward to it.

Now way back when (actually not that long ago, but the changes are happening so fast it feels like centuries) it was normal for a person to work for the same employer for years and years. In this day and age, if you say you want to work at the same place until your retirement (or even past a couple of years) you don’t have enough drive. You need to want to go places, wether you like it or not.

Growing up I figured I’d find a job I like, to spend the rest of my life working there. Yeh right… Weirdo. From the first job I had it had been jobs through a temping agency or payroll office. Never a contract with the company I actually worked for. The thing I remember most from 2009 on is wondering if I would get a new contract through the temp agency. If contracts for the company became available I had to apply for the job! Write a letter that went to people that didn’t know me, and two of the three times I applied, turned my letter down. The third time I could ‘come in’ for a job interview. WHY?!? I have worked for you for a long time, with good results. Why not base who you offer a contract to on that information?

Suffice it to say, I never got a contract. I was however lucky enough to be one of few who got a contract for an undetermined time with the temp agency. Since the employer I worked for went through the same process of not knowing wether or not there would be a renewal (and informing us a few days before the end of our contract) the temp agency introduced me to another employer.

I started working there and loved it. The company must have liked me too, because they offered me a contract for a year. Wait what…. No… I most have heard wrong. I am actually going to get a contract with the company I work for? YES! That was approximately a year ago. Another year ending in suspense, but this employer would let me know in time, they had proven that last year. The good thing here, we don’t have to apply for our job, because we already do it. They judge our work, thank goodness.

You might think I ‘talk’ of your ears when reading this, but that becomes much worse if I get nervous. I am glad I only had to apply for my job once at this employer. We were informed that most likely we would be able to get a new contract, but they had to start a procedure for people who had to leave their department. After a period of to weeks we would be informed if there had been any reactions.

This week I had an off day on Tuesday, so I decided to get something at the bakery. It is not polite to eat everything yourself, so I bought some extra to share with my colleagues. Another colleague entered the bakery and said: ” ah, you talked to your manager I see. Congratulations!” I stared at him with a blank expression. What was he talking about? On the way back I met three other colleagues that made the same assumption.

So, we would not just hear if there had been reactions, we would also hear about our contracts. I was hopeful for a new contract for a year, instead I got one without an end date!!!! Who would have ever thought it possible in this day and age? Not me, that’s for certain. I had given up hope, and then when you least expect it….

Love dreamer

Nightmare and theatre

I’ll start this blog with my nightmare and finish it with theatre, so we have something bright to end on, because man…… The nightmare I had this week had me shaking for a long time after. To be honest, I still feel like crying when I think about it.

The night I had this nightmare was a strange one. I woke up around a quarter to two and would wake up every hour after that. The frustrating thing is, every time I fell asleep again, I would pick up the nightmare where I’d left it to wake up. Here goes…

It starts with me waking up next to my partner, not sure if they were still alive. I left home nonetheless, figuring I was being to protective again. For some reason I was at my mum’s that afternoon. She told me in distress my partner had died, but couldn’t tell how they died. She could tell me for sure it had been in the afternoon, not in bed.

I decided to go to my partner’s parents to get more information and talk about the next steps to take. I felt shaken up, but couldn’t really cry. It felt more like a fake emotion than a real one, like I wanted to show the world how hurt I was, but didn’t feel it. My partner’s mum mumbled, but didn’t make any sense and their father immediately left when I walked up to him.

And now? No one could tell me how my partner died and I had to think ahead without any help at all. Well, I would need to let the bank know they died. Luckily we have an insurance for our mortgage just in case one of us would die. Then there’s the car. I would have to let the company that leases it to us know my partner died. They are the main user. Same goes for our telecom contract. How in the word would I manage?

I distinctly remember thinking, their dad won’t get their phone. That is mine! How awful of me! When it was time to get out of bed (thank goodness) I walked over to my partner’s side of the bed and hugged them real tight. I knew they where awake, because they asked if I had slept well. I asked to please not die on me again. The answer I got was: I can’t make any promises.

I felt the tears rise and knowing my partner is to down to earth to know how to react, left for the bathroom. I cried, because the loss of my partner felt so real! Horrible! I felt it all day and still, when I talk or write about it I feel so empty. Brrrrrr.

On to something that’s a lot less unnerving. I went to a tryout for the musical we will rock you. (Emagine an enormous amount of emoticons with heart eyes). (more). (Nope still not enough).(a bit more). (About right, but not quite).(yes that’s it)! Anastasia was killer Queen. It was sooooooo good. I would go every day if I could, but that’s not possible. To bad. Definitely one of the best shows I’ve been able to visit on me pass.

Love dreamer

The play, a book and a feud!

So update on the play I was in… It went well. The second day was a nightmare for the prompter, but the piece worked out non the less. Why was it a nightmare for the prompter you might ask… well. One of the people on stage was about a page ahead in the script, so the person he had his part with went along with him, but the other two on stage were at the right page, so…. The prompter had to skip ahead and back and we had to work twice as hard to make things look like it was meant that way without skipping on important information. It has been a blast. Now three weeks off and then rehearsal for a new piece will begin. Looking forward to it!

Now for this week. As you might have noticed on twitter I finally received ‘How to save your child from ostrich attacks, accidental time travel, and anything else that might happen on an average Tuesday’ from James Breakwell. In between it arriving, work and stuff I managed to get to page 19 and I can’t wait to read the rest. I might not have kids, but knowledge about how to keep kids safe from everything in existence and imaginary is something everyone needs. Can’t wait to start reading again, and that will happen after I’ve put this blog online! You should read it to! Go buy it! Here’s the link to his site:
You can read the description, see where to buy it and find more information and stuff from him. Mondays are the highlight of my week, because of his newsletter!

Between the tweet and now there has been more time than could have brought me to page 19. True, but… I was distracted. With what? The feud that is going on between two groups I follow online! At one point I read about Shipwrecked and Tin Can Bros bringing a short to buffer and putting it on YouTube afterward and the next moment I read statements on twitter on how the other party has stolen their script! I didn’t know what to think, so obviously I watched both clips. Same script indeed, what is going on? Don’t believe me? Go see for yourself:

Darn Tootin’ from Tin Can Bros: 

A Book By Its Cover from Shipwrecked:

At first I think, sure, you collaborated on it. They are friend, so why not. But then there is an announcement. Both of them have a livestream to tell us how it is their script. My time zone differs from theirs, so yesterday I spent four hours to watch them both and find out what the … is going on. First of all, there where people in the live chats that had the sole purpose of stirring thing up. I had a blast watching them both. After seeing this I am still not sure what the hell is happening, but I sure hope this is their way of showing us how unreal the world of moviemaking is. At the end of the Shipwrecked stream it has been said that things should be concluded by Friday, so until then I am keeping an eye on YouTube while I’m awake, because I NEED to know what is going on there.

If you like the things I do, you are probably already aware of the situation and as eager for the what’s coming as I am. That’s it for now. If you need me, I’ll be learning how to fend off some more animals. The next chapter will be Supernatural Beings, so I don’t think the book will come down before I’ve read the last letter. If there’s no blog next week, send the coroner, because I’ve forgotten to eat and drink while reading. Scratch that, make sure they check up on me sooner, how else will I be able to read more of James Breakwell’s stuff and find out what happens with the feud!


Searching for a stage

The big weekend is finally here, we are performing our play! Last night we had our first performance. This afternoon will be our second and last. The first performance went well. I am happy as can be. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments, so that felt good and (crazy as it may seem) embarrassing. The thing is…. I took things to my dreams.

To understand my dream you need to know something first. The stage we perform at was taken over by a new company. Ever since they took over communications where…. let’s just. say below average. There have been several new contracts, costs were driven up. Not fun.

Our group is a very small one. Just six players. The first act ends on a leaking sealing, because I fixed a flush problem on a toilet. The previous two weekends we have been rehearsing at a primary school that has a little ‘gym’ area.

On to the dream.

We are standing at the stage and notice water coming down. We have no clue where it’s coming from, so we have a technician take a look at it. (sure, that’s the person to take a look at a leaking ceiling!). The man tells us we can’t do our play here, because it is dangerous with the water coming down. It could cause a short-circuiting and the building could burn down. Great, now what! We still have one performance to do and people have bought tickets! (not in real life, the buy them when they arrive). Our contact gets called and we ask for a solution. There is none. None of their other stages is free. Too bad for us, but shit happens, we should learn to live with it.

We try going to this military looking building where the big bosses are stationed. When walking up to the gate it closes. Clearly they don’t want to start a conversation about our predicament. The person of our group that has made all the arrangements with them did get inside, but came out with bad news. They are not going to help us.

Naturally we don’t like the answer, so we decide to go into the city to find another place to perform. Our group is suddenly about twenty people, because we are waiting for them in front of the company that bought the stage. (their chiefs resided in the military complex, but we have always had contact with the people in the building where another stage is.) I decide to try something. They don’t know me there, so why not see if they just don’t like our ‘group’.

I go in and pretend not to know them, but I am looking for a performance place for that afternoon. I know it is short notice, and I understand if they can’t help me. It has been chaotic and things happened why we needed some last minute space. The lady I talk to is very nice and positive. She takes a look in her computer and has some good news. She has some space she can put us in. It’s not the best space, but it is space. How many people do we think will come to see us? I give her the same numbers they got from us before, but she doesn’t connect the dots and I don’t make her any wiser yet.

We all go to the new stage. It is a school gym. It will work. We start setting up and the lady I talked to before starts drawing up a contract. I tell her she doesn’t have to. We already have one. Unfortunately I don’t know her reaction, because that’s where I woke up.

Man that was weird. Things your mind can do right! Well I’m off to the theatre to perform our piece one more time.


White rabbit

I guess everyone knows the story of Alice in Wonderland. I kind of feel like the white rabbit at the moment. Like there’s not enough time to get things done. Why? Well remember I’m in a theatre group? Our performance date is closing in fast!

We will perform our piece on the 16th and 17th of this month (November). About a week ago we had never run through the piece in one sitting, at least not while playing, we had managed getting through it just sitting and reading our lines.

Since the performance date is closing in we decided we needed extra practice. Not just for our lines, but to practice with a fully dressed set as well. That helps, because things go differently when you and the set are dressed as you are supposed to be. The thing is, normally we rehearse on Wednesday evenings, but these extra rehearsals are on Saturday and Sunday!

So this is how last week went: Every weekday, except Thursday (my standard day off) I went to work. On Wednesday evening we had our standard rehearsal (8:00-10:30 p.m.). On Friday I went to the theatre after work, like I usually do. The thing I wasn’t aware of was the length of this play. It started at 7:30 p.m. and I walked out of the theatre at midnight. The piece was three times an hour with a break in between. It wasn’t too long, I could have watched more, but I got in bed late because of it.

The next morning I had agreed to meet a colleague/friend at the gym before rehearsal, so we met at 7:00 a.m. to work out. After that I had to get home quickly, get showered and my stuff together (all in half an hour) to get to the rehearsal location. We have to take our own props, and I am one of the lucky ones. I don’t have that many clothes and props, and still it was difficult to take everything with me to another city on my bike. It rained as well.

We rehearsed from ten to three, then I went home to cook and that evening I went to the theatre again. A comedian I love had a show, I truly wanted to see him live, so….. What could I do? Lucky for me one of the people from my theatre group said she’s pick me up the next day, so I didn’t have to cycle. That helps. So Sunday was rehearsal again and behold, after sleeping I had to get to work again.

This week is not getting much better. I don’t have to be at the gym on Saturday and I only have to be at the theatre on Friday, but other than that it’s pretty much as busy as last week.

Next week is going to be a nightmare. We are getting a new system at work, so we need to follow a four day course. Two days on your own and two days ‘in class’. Guess what…… I have to be at work on Thursday and Friday. Friday is Aida (the opera), and I have to see that, so I have a ticket to see that. The next day we will have our own performance, and the day after that once more.

See, I feel like a rabbit out of time, but I will manage I guess. Sorry for the rambling on. Not even a funny dream on anecdote, but hey, this is my life at the moment! And if there’s no blog next Thursday, at least you know why, right? That’s nog a threat (of promise, but I guess you wouldn’t be on my site if you feel it is a promise), because I will try to write next week, there’s just no guarantees.


A dream suitable for halloween

So this dream starts out somewhat normal. I am on the phone with friends of mine that are planning to visit us. My partner and I live at my parents’ house (don’t know why) so that’s where my friends need to go. They need directions, so I give the phone to my partner, so they can point them in the right direction. My friends arrive at our location, so we can go on to our home together. In the car I notice something strange with my leg.

There is a piece of white sticking out of my leg. I try to push it back, but don’t trust that will be the right thing to do, so I pry it back out. I fiddle a bit with it. It doesn’t hurt, but it is strange. I can take it out as well as push it in, so I decide to take it out. At this point I tell my friend to drive on to get to the emergency post, because I don’t trust the situation. My friend agrees and drives us there.

Once there we get to the reception desk. A woman takes a look at my leg and says it’s nothing. I don’t agree and ask her if it could be a piece of bone I’m holding. No, it could not, bone looked quite different. She shows me a piece of bone as a comparison. Identical twins couldn’t be more alike than the piece of bone and the thing that came out of my leg, but the woman doesn’t change her answer. It’s not bone and I can go home.

I don’t like the woman and keep pestering her, because the place where I pulled the bone out of my leg has a hole in it. You can see right through my leg, directly to what is behind it. That doesn’t look like nothing to me. Still she says I should just put a bandage on it. As far as she’s concerned I am whining. I decide to ask my friend to call my parents to let them know where we are. A doctor hears me and says she should say we will be there for a while, because I need more help than I am getting up to that point. And so I guess someone helped me, because this is the point where I wake up.

What the “bleep” did I dream? I look at the alarm clock and feel startled, I had forgotten to set it! It was already half past six, I should hurry if I wanted to get to work on time. Then I remember, o wait, it’s Sunday, I can sleep in. I remembered the dream, because of how weird it was. I get sick thinking about how I was playing with my bone. It wasn’t the only bone visible in my leg either. I wonder if I should get up to write it down, but hey, it’s early, I don’t want to get out of bed. This dream was so strange and still so clear in waking up even though I got startled by the time. I figured I would be able to remember until I had time to write it down.

Right now it’s two in the afternoon, I did still remember and I still get sick thinking about playing with my bones. Juck. Jep, this is a dream I need to share. Hope you enjoyed it, even though it was a bit short.


Coming out of the theater in tears

The greatest thing about my theater pass is the fact that I visit shows I would have skipped otherwise. Just before our vacation I saw a show that touched my heart and soul.

I had not heard of Erik Krikke before. Now I own his book “Surviving PTSD & moral injury” and the cd #breakthesilence that goes with it. Why? Because he gave me hope and the idea of a fighting chance against darkness.

Erik Krikke tells the story of his time in Afghanistan, where he was an operating nurse. He talks about the time before he went, his time there and how it was to come home. Behind him is the band 7even bridges. Even though they are not the best singers I’ve ever heard, they are the ones that touched me like never before. The heart you hear in the music is so beautiful.

Right from the start you knew it would be a special evening. Even though Erik tries to keep most darkness from his audience, you feel a bit of the pain and horror. It’s not strange people come away changed. From the moment he talked about his return I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. I started weeping silently, fighting against my tears. Grown men wept openly.

Almost everyone in the audience was touched. For me, many of his feelings hit home. It felt like he was describing my feelings at times, even though our stories are nothing alike. Then I heard a song about stepping into the light and breaking the silence. I knew then and there that was the song to keep me from sinking to far into my depressions. I had to find that song.

The song was played near the end, and I felt the tears flowing. It took everything I had not to break down then and there. I am so grateful this man is still here to tell his story, inspiring people. He might not feel the same, but I perceive a man that made and makes a difference. He said he would come to the bar afterwards, but I didn’t have the strength to stay for that, even though all I wanted to was hug this man. I sprinted out, wanted to get to my bike, because maybe my partner would meet up and ride home with me.

They didn’t. The team they support had been playing and they were talking with a friend, while enjoying a beer. How could they know I was so emotional at that point. I don’t blame them, but I left the theatre none the less, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. All the way home (about 45 minutes) I cried band couldn’t stop. I cried so hard and ugly I couldn’t make a sound, but man did I feel relieved afterwards.

This has truly been the most impressive thing I’ve been to. I secretly hope they will make a video registration of it, because honestly, I’d buy that to. To think that the best evening out ended in tears and still is the best evening out… Wow!

Love dreamer

Parental fibbing

I’ve been brooding on this one for a while, for wen there would be a week without a good dream or adventure. Today I’ll tell you about the ‘innocent’ lies my parents told when I grew up. But I’ll start of with a practical joke my father pulled when I was very young.

As kinds we drank a lot of milk. I still love the stuff. My father drank buttermilk most of the time. As a kid you don’t see the difference, especially when the glass it’s in is still full. One day my father figured it would be fun to switch our glasses, so I to a big gulp thinking I had milk….. It was awful! Let’s finish this by telling you I didn’t wager a glass of milk for a very long time. You never know when butter was put in front of the word.

To get us to confess to things we did or didn’t do my parents had two tricks. The first one…. Whenever we had answered a question, and they had a very strong suspicion we hadn’t told the truth, example, did you brush your teeth, yes (no, I was playing, but I’m not gonna tell you), they told us to lift our bangs. Why? Because when you lie a cross appears on your forehead. When we would say we never saw it we got told only adults could. Of course that was it! Always hide your forehead if you’re not telling the truth!

Sometimes the forehead thing wouldn’t work. This trick was used for bigger stuff, like who used my mum’s paint to enhance the bedroom walls, or deface them, depending on if you were us or our parents. If we wouldn’t talk, and we were tough to crack, I’ll tell you that, my mum told us to get our coats. That’s the point we started sweating! Not our coats, that meant only one thing: we were going to the police department. If we wouldn’t tell her, well than the cops would have to figure things out. The horror!!!!! We didn’t want to be put in jail for our mischief, so the truth would be told in a hurry. Not jail, everything but jail.

Then there was the innocent lie to keep us from picking our noses. They told us things could go horribly wrong if you pick your nose, because if you hit the wrong spot your nose would melt of. Not fast, but slowly, you would lose it. You don’t want to know how many time I put my fingers on my nose to check if the thing was still there. Not just after picking my nose, but many times in between, just to make sure it was still there.

Then there was the fun lie my dad told us. He liked mischief a lot, so he told us not to swallow pits from oranges or mandarins. If we would it could result in a tree in our tummies. Every time I accidentally swallowed one of those pits I got frightened if I had a stomach ache right after. That would be the tree growing. It wouldn’t take long for branches and leaves to come out of my ears and nose!

There might be people thinking: that’s horrible! You don’t frighten a kid like that. Well I’ll tell you those are fond memories for me. My parents did everything they could to give me a terrific childhood. As far as I’m concerned they succeeded

Love dreamer

Vacation information

If you have read last week’s blog you already know I have been abroad. Today will be an update, written in the plane on the way home. There, something to deduct information. We had to fly to get to our destination. Why would you need to deduct? Because I haven’t told you where we’ve been these last nign days. And I don’t think I will. Not directly that is. But maybe the photo and blog will give you enough clues.

So this week my partner and I had joined custody over my phone, because of my clumsiness of last week. It is a strange thing not to have your phone at hand at all times. I had to get used to not being able to get the thing out whenever I wanted. After a while I got used to it though and to be honest it felt good to be free of that addiction. Don’t get me wrong, my partner will have their own phone to use once we get home and from that moment on I’ll be as addicted as ever, but is was a nice break. The upside for me is that every picture taken this vacation, has been taken with my phone, so no nagging needed to get my partner to send me any.

Now, on with other stuff. The day we arrived at our apartment I saw we had a decent swimming pool to use with just a couple of people, so I decided then and there I would swim lanes for half an hour each morning, before we would do anything else. Nobody used it that day, but that didn’t mean anything. So after our first night (the day of the phone disaster) I get in my swimwear, pick up my towel and go outside. Doubt creeps up on me, so I go to the reception desk to make sure it is oke for me to use the pool. It is, but it probably pretty cold. “That’s ok”, I said, and I turned to go for a swim.

The receptionist was right, the water was cold as ice. Leaves and feathers were floating like little boats and the pool was more of a green than the bright blue you normally see in pools, but I got in. Every day I swam at least thirty lanes and three of them I swam up to fifty lanes. I am pretty proud of that fact, because as you should know by now, I am usually lazy as hell. But my partner always says you should do things differently when on vacation and this time I definitely did that. I have been more active in the few days than I normally am in a year. Although I guess that changed a while back, when I joined the gym. O our God! I might become an active person!?!

Back to the swimming. The pool was green because of alge. The moment I got back in the apartment and in the bathroom I started skating like the floor was made of ice. Of course I couldn’t stay upright. I fell, but not to bad. A sore right but cheek even now and two days with a sore shoulder, it could have been worse. If you would take a look at the pool at this moment the spot where I entered the water and the spots where I made my turns are the bright blue the pool should be. Every day the water felt more like ice than the day before, but I kept going, go me!

My partner and I have visited city’s and villages and enjoyed ourselves in doing so walking lots of miles during those visits. One day we actually wanted to go hiking. We followed a trail and then lost the signs, using the phone to get back to the car. At some points it felt like survival, climbing steep hills of stone and sand, sometimes losing our footing and finding it again at the last second. I feel great about the hike, but I am glad we both got back alive. My sister’s first remark on seeing the route: “you hiked a cat!”

We have been to the bookstore that is said to have inspired J.K. to write H.P. beautiful shop, you have to buy a ticket to get into, but I don’t regret going in.

One of our visits was at this beautiful church. It had a trail with small chapels where you could see scenes of Jesus his story. It was breathtaking, so beautiful. Just take a look and if you ever go to Braga, visit Bom Jesus! I will leave you with some photos.

Love dreamer


Cas is a crude translation of a name we have in my language. It stands for clumsy and stupid. Crude because it approximates the name in my language, but doesn’t quite. Today my name should have been Cas. To be honest, it should be most of the times, but today it is painfully true. Why? Let me tell you.

My partner and I are abroad for some well deserved time off. How lovely. It is so nice to be able to relax and see another country while soaking in some sun. Thing is.. we have only arrived yesterday and today I proved once again I should be named Cas (sorry if your name is… I don’t want to offend anyone).

My partner and I decided to visit the bigest market of the country and while there we planned to visit the church. My partner entered the address of the village in Google maps and off we went. We didn’t encounter trouble getting there. Upon arriving the streets where packed with cars. There where situations of double and even tripple parking. We searched for a place to park the car and found one not to far off! Lady luck was on our side, or do it seemed.

My partner went to the parking meter while I stayed with the car. It took a while so I looked to see what my partner was doing. They looked confused. The they crossed the street to another parking meter. Again this confused look. I walk over to Them, telling Them to lock the car while I cross the street. The car gets locked and I hear the problem. Both meters don’t work. Great. Back to the car to find another spot to park.

My partner asks for their phone. I had it before because of us using Google maps, but as far as my memory went my partner had taken the phone. Nope, not true. I had it in my lap. Wait, what…… I had it. No I didn’t! I tried calling, no sound. My partner had noticed an old lady picking something up from the ground next to our car when I crossed the street, thinking she had dropped something. Now we knew better….

I have such a bad memory that I didn’t even remember my partners phone in my lap. When I got out of the car it fell to the ground, without me hearing or noticing. To bad for is, this old lady did notice. Even worse…. she just took it! And the youth gets the reputation! I panicked. How stupid could I be!

Next step… My partner walked down the street to see if they could spot the old witch while I kept calling their phone. Nothing. Then I walked all the way to the market while calling. Nothing. I had definitely lost my partner their phone. I cried out of frustration and disbelieve. I mean, I know I am a klutz, but why with an expensive thing as the phone of my partner. I can handle messing up with my stuff, but someone else’s!

Next step… get the sim blocked and make sure the bank knows the their app has to be blocked. Now that that’s done let’s go see the police. We are in a country where English isn’t the native language. The cop behind the desk didn’t speak English, but he quickly got a colleague that did. I explained the situation. The cop asked if we had an IMEI. I thought email. Shows you how much I know.

Wel long stay with the cops short, the cop that spoke English told the cop at the desk the story, so that the desk cop could write the report. He acted as our translator. While waiting we talked a bit and got some tips on where to visit. Another cop that spoke English entered and joined the conversation while the desk cop wrote up the report. My partner had to sign the papers. I wanted to know what it was that got signed, so I used my Google translate app to read the papers. It checked out, my partner signed. The cops will try to find the phone using the IMEI we gave them and we can press charges within the next six months if we want to. We said our goodbyes and thanked everyone inside for their help.

The day we wanted to visit the biggest market turned to the day we visited the local police. Neither of us had much interest in visiting the market now, so we left the village without seeing the things we intended. My partner was really nice to me, they knew I was already beating myself up and told me these things can happen.

We went to the apartment we stay in while abroad and after parking the car and putting away the groceries we went to this small bakery to buy coffee and lunch. After that we walked through the village, took some time for a sandwich at our apartment and went to this beautiful ruin village to walk through. From the church that’s build there we had a spectacular view on the village we stay in. That’s the picture I put with this blog.

Today has passed, nearly time for bed. I still feel horrible for what happened, even though these things can happen. They happen to me far to often. My partner is looking at it from the bright side (at least when talking to me, I know they are bummed out as well) telling me they already know the next phone they want. They better never hand that to me in future…. For now we have joined custody over my phone, until we get back home and get a new SIM to put in an old phone while waiting for the new one to arrive.

Love dreamer

Darker dream?

I don’t know why or how, but somehow I dream in the night where Wednesday turns to Thursday most of the times. Or at least that’s the night I wake up remembering. Last night is no exception, but  I don’t know if I should be happy about that. Why? Let me tell you.

So I am living my live, doing the things I usually do and in my dream some things I have never done….ever, and wouldn’t do for sure. Those weren’t bad things, just things I’d never do, like cleaning a classroom. At least I don’t think so….. Maybe I’ve done it as a kid, but I can’t remember ever doing it. Back to the point. I am doing my things when I get to know… this will be my last day. It is almost over and when I should wake up I won’t. I am not the only one who knows either. Everyone knows this is my last day.

I say my goodbyes, but I don’t really want to go. Why would you know this is your last day, why would we all know? I don’t remember how we found out. It’s just this definite feeling things will end. Some people I love are with me on this last night. I am still awake, and they will be ‘guarding’ me/keeping me company. I should go to sleep, so I am ready for it, but I keep thinking.

I have accomplished so little, through nobody’s fault but mine, because series and games where so important to me. I should’ve spend more time on cleaning, friends, living. I am not even at the half of a normal lifetime if you would count a hundred as normal. I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for. I should however be getting sleepy and that should be the end. At some point I give in and fall asleep, however….. I wake up the next morning. Everyone, me included, is wondering how this could be. How could I be alive if I should have been dead? Not to long after waking up I decide it’s not important how….it is important I am alive. I will take every day I get as a gift and live it to the fullest.

This is where I wake up. I distinctly remember feeling darkness at this point. It creeps me out to be confronted with death, my life, my mortality. That’s strange though, because I am not afraid of death, not normally. I feel the dream slipping away, and as you can see, I don’t remember much of it. I remembered enough though. Enough to give you a glimpse at my dream. The important thing here is not the dream itself, but the insight it brings me while writing. I had to wait to write, even though I got out of bed immediately after waking up.

My laptop gave me the screen of death, started up again. I  could feel the dream slipping.

The things I still remember are on this page. Everything else got away from me, all details faded in no time at all. There was this feeling of darkness that stayed with me. Did I just dream of my own death? Am I going to die soon? Maybe, maybe not. After a bit I stopped focussing on the part where I knew I would die and started focussing on the part I lived. I did not die! I got another day to live and love! Maybe this dream was a message to stop burying myself in things I do on my own and start living….enjoy it!

That was the first message I got from this dream. Then something even more unsuspected happened. While I am writing this down I see myself type: “I can’t die, not yet…. There’s so much to live for”. It startles me. I know this is part of my dream, a feeling so clear it got on this page and yet…. It is not just my dream. It is a buried feeling, one that doesn’t get out to often, but is obviously there!

I am depressed a lot, thinking it’s ok if I die at that moment or day, wanting to go, but never ending life myself, because I promised. If you have enough dark moments and days you get dulled. At least that’s how it feels. It is the time of year where days are getting darker, so depression rears its ugly head a lot easier. Yet here I have a dream that is crystal clear…


I love to live. I don’t want to die, because I’ve got too much to live for. Now there’s a surprise ending to my dream… at least for me. And the crazy thing is…. I wouldn’t have seen it if I wouldn’t have put it in my blog. Life is funny that way. You see something dark to begin with, but it might turn out to give you a whole lot of light in the end. I hope I can share this light with you, so we can shine even brighter together and drive the darkness away.



Dreaming of a creepy crawly,

I am at home with my partner. One of my friends is with us. The three of us are watching TV. I don’t remember the thing we watched, but we sat on the same couch. Close together with me in the middle.

At some point I look to my left, where my friend is sitting, because we are talking, and I notice…. is that something in his nose…. moving?! The second I notice it the thing is gone, so I guess my mind is playing tricks on me. However, just to be sure, I keep glancing at his nose. After some time I see something again. It looks like pinchers! The next second they are gone again.

I decide I don’t like this. Something is moving in my friends nose and it is giving me the creeps. I move away from him a bit and tell him he’s got something in his nose.

My friend does nothing. He acts like I never told him anything and keeps watching whatever it is we were watching. Still the movement in his nose is getting clearer. I move further off. The thing in there is quite big as far as I can see.

Now the thing you have to know, and I should have started with this, my friend had abnormally large and open nostrils. Something that doesn’t exist in real life, but was normal as far as my dream goes, because the nostrils didn’t give me the creeps, the thing moving inside did. At some point the pincers even stuck out of his nose!

This is the point my friend couldn’t ignore it any longer, so he just said: “O, that’s nothing to worry about.”. He put his hand to his nose and a creature came crawling out! It was something that looked like an cross between a centipede and an earwig. The thing was almost translucent and it was about as long as my friends hand and as thick as two of his fingers. I drove my partner to the right so there was enough room between me and my friend for another person to sit there.

I asked my friend how he could be so calm about this huge thing living in his nose! He didn’t answer and went on watching TV. Now and again he put his hand to his nose. The thing would crawl out and walk over his hands like he was a pet or something. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I demanded to know why the hell he didn’t get the thing out of his nose. This was NOT normal and could NOT be healthy. My friend broke down. He started crying in the left corner of the couch. His eyes started to deform, I never thought anything of it, just like the nose. They started to look like those cartoons where the bottom of the eye looks like flowing water. Most of the time his eyes became white, because the colour part disappeared behind de lids that where not even visible, so high up.

When my friend calmed down a little he explained. He couldn’t live without the creature anymore. He had been drinking so much that some mayor organ didn’t function any longer. This creature was keeping him alive, because it lived of the substances his body could no longer break down on its own. I felt terrible, but I was still creeped out about the thing. I didn’t know what to do, hug my friend, like I should, or get as far away from him as I could because of the creature in his body.

At that point I woke up. Wow… that was one creepy dream! Perfect for my blog, so I have to get downstairs to share it with the world. I have to be quiet, because there are more people at home than just me. I get to opening where I have to let down some stairs. Normally they go down in an angle, but today they can’t because the guest bed is in use. When that thing is there you have to let the stairs straight down, like a stepladder. I start the process and am ready to set the stairs by pulling a lever so this sort of stop would click in place. Both my parents come to take over. “Let us do that. The carpet the stop gets on to is very old and we would like to preserve it as long as possible.”

At that point I truly woke up. 5:30 a.m. I remembered the dream. Kept my mind as quiet as I could to be able to remember it a lot longer. Thanks to the waking up part of my dream I had a good grasp on the first part of it, since I really needed to remember the first part in the second part. Would I be able to remember the second part as well? Or would I have to get out of bed if I wanted to document the dream? I chose to stay in bed a while longer. I fell asleep and about 8:30 a.m. I woke up again. That is about half an hour ago. I put on a shirt, went downstairs and started typing.

Well, I hope you liked reading about this dream. I’m still not sure what to think of it, shivering whenever I see that creature in my mind. I guess it is no longer in my friends nose, but will forever live in my brain. I feel violated! Can someone get the thing out please? Unlike my friend I don’t want it to stay in my body.


Add frustrations

I know I have mentioned being lazy, but I can’t remember if I have told you about an addiction of mine. Oe maybe I have told you about an addiction, but Just nog this one yet. What can I say, I am pretty messed up.

So what addiction am I talking about now? Games. Games that are played on your phone. For example, my morning did not start well if I didn’t have time to play Diggy’s adventure. When my partner and I are in the car it is pretty likely that I am playing a game. When I feel ‘bored’ I play a game.

When I was much younger I didn’t get ‘bored’ this easily. To be honest I am not easily ‘bored’ now, but every slow moment is an excuse to play. I like finding new games to play, but…. This is where the title comes in. Add frustrations.

Let me make one thing clear: it is not the fact that adds are shown at regular intervals, but the adds themselfs that bother me. I don’t know if you have noticed, but there are a lot of adds that are nothing like the actual game! Take the add for matchington mansion. You see a messed up bathroom and some choices in the bottom of the screen. The choices made are correct or wrong. Download the game and the only choices you get to make are the interior the mansion gets after you have earned stars by playing ‘three in a row’ levels.

I hate that! I download a game based on what I see, because that is what I expect! If you show me a video, that’s what I think I get to do in the game. If I download the game as a result and it turns out to be something else all together I delete it as fast as I downloaded it. Why would you deceive is like that? I don’t want those lies. They frustrate me so f-ing much! That results in me ranting about it to you. I am sure you could do without that. But hey, I had to get it out there. Now… Van someone point me to a game that actually asks me to make those choices. Or if it doesn’t exist… is there someone out there that van develop it PLEASE.

Love, dreamer

I am losing my mind!

Since I haven’t been to regular in posting, I owe you some posts. I have been dreaming again last night, so I will be able to give you a second one this week. I hope you will enjoy!

Everything I ever Knew about dreams is falling apart. I will never be able to have a lucid dream again! Remember my last blog? Well here is another dream that goes against what I told you in the last paragraph of that blog.

Apparently I have taken the car, while most of the times my partner uses it, because I get home, park the car, notice my partner is not home yet and go on to do something for myself.

After a while I decide to check on the car. Why? Not a clue. We live in a good neighbourhood, so maybe I just wanted to see our girl, I truly don’t know. Upon getting to the window I don’t she her though. Maybe I didn’t park her at the spot I thought I parked here, so I look at the complete row.

No car! Ok, maybe I forgot what she looks like, I know the licence plate, so I start checking those (and I am reading them! For real!). No car with our licence plate. I start to panic. Did I lock the car. No, YOU STUPID IDIOTTIC EMPTYHEADED………. HOW COULD YOU NOT LOCK THE CAR!!!! I ranted on to myself for a bit, then decide my partner should know I lost the car before they got home, so I call them. I am in tears. I lost our baby, this is going to be a financial disaster! My partner comforts me by telling me our baby would have locked herself after being parked for a specific time. That sort of calms me down, but then what happened to our baby?

I walk back to the window to start reading the licence plates again. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. Nope, not ours. No, the one in the tree is not ours either…..the one in the tree?!? HOW THE HELL!!! Who would be able to get a car up in a tree and why the hell would you do it? Then I notice underneath the car that is hanging in the tree are about five cars stacked on top of each other, so the one in the tree almost touches the top of the fifth car. HOW! My mind is blown. Who would do this?

I start checking plates again. Nope, none of them are our baby. I am definitely reading the plates! That should not have been possible! At that point I should have been able to tell I was dreaming and take control! Well I didn’t, so I went on doing something for myself in my dream. Not wanting to go to the toilet, because one of two thing could happen. It would be dark soon, and when it would be dark, I would be going in the house to stop the thing I was doing  (not a clue what it was that was so important I couldn’t go to a toilet) or my partner would come home and I would be going into the house and stop the thing I was doing.

At some point I really couldn’t put off going to the toilet so I go into the house. I decide to use our upstairs toilet. Walking in there I nearly get a heart attack. My partner is lying in the bath! I forget all about needing the toilet and start to tell them about the stacked cars. We both walk downstairs to look out of the window. Both reading the plates……. I wake up.

Well… there you have it. My crazy dreams are back and I won’t ever be able to tell when I am dreaming again. I should go on the internet and read up on lucid dreaming, because the things I know are from hear say, but I am lazy. I am not going to look it up. Instead of doing that, I put my dreams on the internet and bore you with them.


It starts with a lovely dinner

So I was invited to this lovely dinner with a group of people and my partner and good friend of mine were to, so that should be fun!

There were three tables. One for seven people, one for six people and one small table for 4 kids.

We were the first ones to arrive, so we could pick were we wanted to sit, but I figured that would sort itself so I talked to our hostess. She had organised a bicycle race a while back and I had taken part in it (definitely not won it). The person that had been the favourite to win it lost as well, because both she and I collided. I got disqualified, because of an illegal manoeuvre. There had been a lot of witnesses that told our hostess that I had pinned the favourite against a wall to stop her from winning, and in doing so it was said I had caused the collision between the both of us.

Somehow, there had not been time to discuss it back then, so we talked about it now. She was the one that told me I had pinned the favourite, but it was only at this dinner that I found out she had not seen this, but it had been told to her by witnesses of the crash.

Time to set the record straight. I had been behind the favourite, far enough not to collide but gaining. The moment I was close enough to pass without collision she pulled her bicycle to the left, right into me. I was able to keep my bike riding, but she fell and couldn’t finish the race.

Our hostess was shocked. The favourite had been the one that should have been expelled, nog me. She apologized profoundly. I told her it was oké.

While we were talking the room filled up with the other dinner guests. I had been squatting next to the chair of the hostess and it was time to find a place to sit. Only one place left. At the head of the table set for seven. (Seeing the room fill up awakened my anxiety for I didn’t know anyone other than my partner, my good friend and our hostess. It seemed I would end up getting seated with strangers, and I did). Another dinner guest that had taken a seat next to the one left for me started filling up my glass with water. He was having fun and getting laughs from everyone around him. There was already bread on the plates and the water started spilling onto my plate. I ran to my seat to see if I could control the damage ( I hate wet bread), but it was too late. I emptied my plate onto that of the man that was joking around. Both water and bread were for him, I wasn’t planning on eating/drinking it.

We were all having a good time. We talked, we laughed, dinner was wonderful. Slowly but surely I started piecing together that people that had wanted to tell the truth at the race had been ‘bullied’ into saying I had pinned the favourite of the race. When dinner was over we went into the village. It was a small village we don’t often visit, so it was nice to take time to walk around. Then people started to try and kill us! They didn’t like that the truth about the race came to light and wanted to make sure we knew. My partner and friend got caught and tied up. I got to where they were. Don’t ask me why, but somehow I had a gas burner on my key chain. One of those things you use for making desserts. I took it out and pointed it at the man that was guarding them. I set his hair on fire and he left screaming. I quickly untied the others. The place is swarming with people trying to kill us. We needed to get the hell out of there!

My partner figured out how. We needed to participate in race where we need to get to the top of some kind of tower, made out of nets, in order to get ‘flung out’ by being the first ones to reach top. Sort of like a video game. If you are the first to reach the top, you win or get to a second stage. That would be the way out of this village. My partner knew a cheat to get to the top of the tower first. We somehow dodged over twenty hitmen to get to the tower. This tower was build underground, but my partner knew we would be able to see the top from above ground, so we could jump on the top net. We got there, took the jump and indeed landed on the top net. Now we would have to hold on long enough to win. That wasn’t easy, because the whole tower swayed like crazy. Somehow we managed and won! Turned out that was not the end of the game, there was a next stage.

We started the next stage on our own in the streets. Normal streets, where people lived. We had been split up somehow. I didn’t know where the others were, so I ran for my life without knowing where to go, one of the hitmen hot on my tail. I somehow managed to take him out and started running again. My phone rang, the sound was that of the ringtone I have set for my partner, who is nowhere in sight. I see my friend straight ahead, running towards me. Suddenly my partner comes from my left telling us to get in a tree we are near at that point. We climbed tree. Several hitmen run past it without noticing us. A strange thing, because the tree has barren branches, but hé, don’t question good luck. One of the men that was trying to kill us somehow had wings and flied up to the tree. He tried to shoot us, but my friend somehow turned out to be an archer and had a bow and arrows. My friend shot two arrows to disarm the winged man and put a third through one of his wings. He fell to the ground and disappeared. The voice of a commentator (like those at sports events) announced to the spectators that the winged contestant was out of the game.

We needed to go on so we climbed out of the tree and ran to a house about ten paces to our right. We went through the door and closed it. Somehow the inside of the house looked more like a cave. There was this huge gate around the tower (this time it was made of stone and actually looked like a tower). I was the first one to walk through the gate. It  started to close and I tried to keep it open with all my might, so the other two would be able to get in with me. The got in just in time. With the gate closed we felt sort of safe, there was only this sort of cat flap to get through the gate now. At the base of the tower was a puzzle to solve. There were numbers that needed to be connected to right stones to get path across small body of water and go up. All of a sudden the head of a teacher peeks in from the top of the tower. He gave a hint to solving the puzzle. I could only wonder if we would walk into a classroom once we made it to the top. The man said that the numbers keep the same order. Great, now we could solve it, I hoped. One of the numbers, the number four, had a line that connected it to one of the stones. I looked around if I could see a way to get that number on the right stone and suddenly noticed chalk pens on the ground to my left. They were lying underneath a radiator. I picked up as many colours as I could, because the numbers have colours to and who knows, we might need them later on. I put first number on stone ‘connected’ stone. Writing the four on the stone proves difficult. (I don’t know if you have ever tried to put a number like 4 or seven into a handheld Nintendo? When I try to write it down the damn thing always takes about three tries to get the right number into the system.) Now  registers with difficulty, but gets there (like Gameboy). Now we had to figure out where the other numbers had to go. I asked my partner and my friend to stop joking around and start help me figure things out. We were still puzzling when I woke up.

I am still wondering wat would have been waiting for us at the top, I tried desperately to get back to sleep so I could finish the puzzle. Strange though…. I could actually see the number four. It was the only one, and with difficulty, but normally in dreams numbers and letters can’t be registered. That’s how you determine you are dreaming and how you can take over and start to have a lucid dream. Maybe that’s why I could only see the four and why it was so difficult to put it on the stone in a way you could make out it was a four. Dang it, that is going to hunt me all day. Well I hope you have enjoyed my dream. I sure did, even though it was quite a dangerous event.



Away for rehearsal

Yesterday was a fun day. I’ve spent the day with my acting group. Normally we het together on wednesday evening to rehearse. On of is had to travel about an hour and a half just to get to rehearsal. That’s not including the return trip and when travel conditions are at their best. She must truly love doing this!!!! And she does. Well last wednesday we didn’t het together, but agreed to all get to her house for rehearsal!

Saturday morning, about ten past nine I got picked up, one more stop for picking up someone else and we would be on our way! Since we would be staying untill after diner, we would have so much time to slowly work through the whole script. It felt good.

There was a warm welcome upon arriving and a lovely lunch not to long after. It was a day of being spoiled by good food and drinks and loads of laughter. You see, we will be performing a play by Alan Ayckbourn and it is hilarious. At least we think so. Slowly but surely we are getting to the desired outcome. We have a lot of fun in the proces.

It’s a good thing to ge all of our laugther out now, because it might prove difficult to keep a straight face on stage, so advice is welcome! I am so lucky to get to do this with such a warm group of people. The Day flew by. Well it will be wednesday soon, happy days…

Love, dreamer

Super cat?

I’ve been to my mum last Thursday. The reason for going was threefold. 1. See mum again. 2. Show of the car and 3. See how my mum is holding up, because her brother has received a diagnoses of cancer. Heavy stuff, I know, but I am not going to dwell on it in this blog. Please just let me stick my head in the sand and just be there for my mum, thank you.

My mum has gotten a cat after my dad died, so she won’t be so alone when she’s at home and there’s someone there to say hello to when she walks is. I think it is a good thing. It is a lovely cat. As you might know cats have an aggressive way of playing with you. They use their claws and teeth to win. That’s fine by me, but my mum doesn’t want the cat to do that, because when he does that with her… her skin has become thinner or something, so she bleeds easily. If the cat plays with other people he wants to play with her to, and that’s not a good idea, so he can’t play with people, just toys and stuff. This cat turns out to be a dog by the way. Throw away a ball of paper and he brings it back to you. He brought mum a ball to throw when we were there.

I didn’t know about the cat not playing with people, so while on the phone (because my brother called) I was playing with the cat. It didn’t take long or all nails dug in my arm and all teeth dug in my wrist. If I lifted my arm, the cat would lift along. Nothing I couldn’t handle, but I can understand my mum doesn’t want that to happen to her. So she did the thing she does when the cat starts to play. She pushed him to the ground until he stopped, showing him she is the leader. It worked. I had quite a brilliant mark of his teeth on my wrist after that.

So Peter Parker got spider powers after he got bitten by a spider…. Do I get cat powers now?

I already know how to purr, my friends mum once said his cat was purring loudly, but that was me, so funny…. You should have been there. So how about the rest, do I become a human cat now? The mark on my wrist suggested I will become a superhero, so when things start happening I’ll let you know…. On the other hand….. O man, why did I put this in a blog!!! A handful of people will immediately link me to our new superhero! Ok, let’s agree not to tell anyone about this. If I turn into a superhero, you guys are part of the secret. Don’t spill the secret ok. If I go off on adventures you guys will get the report through this blog. Hardly anyone reads it, so I don’t think the bad guys or governments will find out.

It would make for a great content of my blog as well. Although I wouldn’t like the life or death choices that much. I think I will be heartbroken with the first person I can’t safe…. Hmmm. I guess I’d have to think about a lot of things. A secret lair, tech support (I am technically challenged), an outfit, do I want to operate worldwide, would I be able to keep working where I work now. O my…. I think I’m happy to say I haven’t felt a change yet, but when it happens I am going to need some help, so…… be ready when I call on you.



Car and pool

Our baby has arrived!!! No I have not been pregnant without knowing and you would have known if I was pregnant and aware of that fact. We haven’t adopted either, so…. I have told you about our baby in a previous blog. It’s our new car!!!!! And she is beautiful! I mean it, i’m in love!

We took het home saturday before last,after signing for her and getting some last instructions. She is such a Sweet girl! She has a beautiful face, as you can see, she is very quiet, she reacts instantly and she is protective of everyone that comes with her. How is she protective? She’s got emergency buttons at \nthe light in the front. When the airbags are deployed she automaticly calls the emergency services and sends out your location to them. Our sweet baby….. Sigh.

On other news, it is hot outside. Well maybe that’s not news, but just a fact, but still… it is hot outside. One of my best friends asked if I wanted to come to the pool today. I discussed the plans for this weekend with my partner and here I am.

I drive out new baby to my friend’s place and now we are relaxing at the pool and I finaly took time to write this blog. Sometimes the world is Just perfect!

Love dreamer

Am I becoming the same as my brother?

Hi everyone, sorry for being absent, inspiration has been low, and last week I was in bed with a migraine, because of stress. “Stress?” you say. Yes stress, because of the fixing up of the bathroom that is going to cost so much more than we can spend, but you don’t need to worry about that, me and my partner will. Let’s just hope I won’t have migraines until it is done, because that could mean a lot of them. But, we’ll see.

Back to this week’s blog, it is late I admit, but it is here at last! And the title, well that has to do with a BBQ I had on Saturday, but let me start by explaining my brother to you. One of my brothers is just like me, we have Peter Pan syndrome, sort of. We just won’t grow up. Both of us like doing things kids normally do and both of us feel a lot better around kids than adults, because most kids are more spontaneous and open than adults are. I can handle myself when I am with people my own age, but that is by wearing a mask, because most of them feel ashamed of me when I show who I am inside, or the just don’t know how to handle it. My brother is even better at just being him, because as far as I can see, it truly doesn’t bother him when people don’t get it.

My brother is a lot older than I am, he could have been my dad if you just look at age, and I can’t remember anything different than having a lot of fun with him. Every birthday he would take us kids outside and play with us, we felt great with him around. Now that I am officially an adult myself and kids come to birthdays at my house with their parents (my friends) my brother still does the same thing he used to do with us. He goes to the playgrounds near my house (no crossing streets necessary to get there) and keeps the kids occupied. The adults love it, who wouldn’t, being at a party without having to keep an eye on your kid, just enjoy yourself.

The thing that makes me mad though, most adults that come to parties my brother is at as well make the assumption my brother will take the kids of their hands. Why make that assumption, why not let him enjoy the party hanging around with us as well? My brother has told me he would like to sometimes, so it shouldn’t be a given that he takes care of every kid around. I love my brother and I feel ashamed when I feel ashamed for him in public just for being himself. I should be proud that he truly is who he is. I know how to where most social masks, he knows how to where a couple. I have had so many great times with my brother, just because he doesn’t care. I love him so much for that.

Well the becoming the same doesn’t take too much, just drop some masks and I’m there, but I will keep those masks, because they help you get places in life. Sot back to the BBQ I had on Saturday. It was with a group of friends. My partner is part of a group of five friends. Three of them have kids and the evening started with us adults talking to each other and the kids having fun at the playground after they had eaten. The whole day rain had been coming down hard, so it was a relief that we could BBQ outside, no rain. After about an hour and a half I guess we had fifteen more minutes of rain, so we took the things with food in or on it inside and left the plates and stuff outside. BBQ done, but that was ok, we had eaten a lot, so we could last a while. After some time one of the kids asked if the BBQ-ing was done, because she wanted ice-cream. The adults could agree with wanting ice-cream, so the cones came from the fridge. Some more talking got done (the rain had stopped) and the kids asked about marshmallows. Could the ‘roast’ some on the BBQ. Sure they could!

This is where the kid in me came out! I had been helping bringing the plates and stuff in, but then I took time to get a marshmallow with the kids (all mums joined). It was a lot of fun and soooooo goooooooooooooood! One of the mums went in very soon after ‘roasting’ marshmallows, the other two and I started playing with the two girls that where at the BBQ. They had a ball and where trying to get it between everyone’s legs. Just minutes before when we were inside we saw the men doing the same and talked about the bad example they set by playing ball near the BBQ, now we were doing the same, but we sure had fun. Another mum decided to go inside. Two girls and two ‘woman’ left. We played around with the ball some more. In the end it was just me and the girls left. Then one of the boys came out. Long story short, I have been out with the kids ever since the marshmallows and I felt reluctant to go inside to talk with the grownups again. It felt so safe being out with the kids. So I stayed and ‘played’. At some point the kids got called inside to go to bed, I had to get in. I didn’t mind, it’s not like I can’t handle being with people my age afterward. All in all I had a good time, both with the adults and the kids. I apologised for staying outside with the kids and not helping with cleaning up the mess. The ‘hosting’ mum told me that was ok, after all I kept the kids busy, that helps a lot as well. Afterward when I lay in my bed I thought about that. I am becoming more and more like my brother. I don’t know if it is socially accepted, but I have to say it feels good to me. And if I get to be like my brother, that is something to be very, very proud about, because it is rare to come across someone so honest and open. Lucky for me I know more people like that, not just my brother, but he was the first I knew. I hope you have a friends like that as well and you feel free to be you. As I said before, the world would be a lot more colourful if we could just be ourselves without the judgement always being there!


Bride, cars and bathrooms,

Well hello there! This week the blog goes all over the place. Three topics, so no juicy story about a bride escaping through a bathroom window to escape a wedding in a fast car (yes that is a reference to a sitcom). No three different topics, so lets go!

Nope, my partner did not propose, I am nog getting married (or my partner knows something I don’t, but I don’t think so). No this is a follow up on last my blog from last week. Remember? The refugee from Africa. He was actually there when I walked out of the office on Friday. I didn’t think he would, but he was, so I had to deal with it. I said hi, keeping my distance. I am a hugger, normally, but not this time, not appropriate, or at least I didn’t think it was. If you disagree, keep it to yourself. Those are my boundaries I have to think of, not yours.

We went to the same park as before, sat down on the same bench as before and continued the same talk we had before. He kept giving me compliments, trying to find out if I would ever leave my partner. I told him: “not even when hell freezes over”, but that didn’t seem to register. He kept talking about relationships ending, how good of a partner he would be to the person committing to him and how beautiful I am and how perfect I would be for him. He would never find someone like me again, so sure, he was disappointed I have a partner. I let him talk, I talked to him and brought the conversation to him getting his social security number. I tried not to make it to obvious, but let’s be real, he needed something from me, of he would not have come. That or I have a stalker from now on and need to be more careful in future, but I guess that’s not the case. When talking to a dear friend of mine she told me her partners reaction was: “he want to marry to stay in the country”. I had come to the same conclusion, so the bride part is…. I could have been an African bride! I am not that sad that I’m not though, because I love my partner more than anything in the world, so when the man asked my contact information I told him “no”, because I am not going to string him along for something I won’t give him. I had two lovely days with an opportunity to speak English, he wasted some time, enough is enough. As far as I know he has not started stalking me (knock on wood).


So my partner and I have a car. We didn’t plan on getting a new one, but things happen. Fortunate for us, nothing bad happened, we just received a flyer from our dealership. It stated an amount we could probably get for our old car and how much a new car would cost us. We took the bait. We started talking about it and before long we went to the dealer to take a look. The offer was for an upgrade on our current model, but we decided we wanted information on a different model. That in itself would be an upgrade, so we wanted to compare the offer we got in the mail to the different model we had in mind. We got the information, slept on it for about three days. The dilemma was: go for comfort (the upgrade by choosing the other model) or go for low expenses (by choosing our current model upgraded). We both sort of knew the car we wanted, but still. We went for the other model, we can afford it, let’s ‘grow up’ and choose comfort. Today we went in (after getting the financing worked out) and asked when we can pick it up. It will take over two weeks because the salesman would like to be there when we pick it up. I heard him mumble he is on vacation between today and the date we set to pick up the car. So there we are, waiting on a car, because the salesman wants to see how happy it makes us to pick it up. Well if his life depends on these highlights, than I can wait for my car a bit longer, because that’s sad, isn’t it. I am glad I can give him a happy moment.


There are a couple of things in your life that cost a lot of money. One of those things: bathrooms. Especially when your strength isn’t fixing you home. At some point I noticed circles on the ceiling in the hallway, caused by water that should have travelled through pipes instead of the floor. I know nothing about fixing plumbing and stuff like that. When we bought the house the leakage should have been stopped by the previous owner, or so we thought. His solution turned out to be sealant around the shower drain, but you can’t clean a sealed drain, so obviously, we made the mistake to unseal it. Now we have to ‘repair’ the leak. That will take braking tiles and stuff like that. We figured we would have to take care of the bathroom at some point, so now is the time. We are going to renovate. Take everything out, put new stuff in. This bathroom will be to our taste (and budget, sorry to say, but still beautiful for a low budget). The thing I am upset about most: losing our bath. A bath I don’t use that often, because the put  the side your head goes against the wall, so your neck needs to be in an angle if you want to lie down. Plus the bath is smaller than usual, because of the restricted space, and everything had to be fit in (shower/bath/sink/toilet), without having to shower in the tub. Every time I took a bath a large part of me never got wet, because it didn’t fit under water. I was hoping to get a bath you can sit in, so it would take up less room, but I could still relax. As you might have figured, we are not putting in a bath again. We already made a down payment on everything that is going into our new bathroom (including tiles) and now we are looking for someone to put it in for a nice price (wouldn’t it be nice if we had an endless supply of money). We’ll see…..

Well that’s it for now.


Chance meeting?

First of all, last week I didn’t post a blog. You have a right to know why. Last week I just didn’t feel like it. I had something else on my mind. Not just something, an important something for me and something that kept me from writing, because I needed to handle myself and my emotions. Thursday the 20th two years ago my dad died. It hit harder than the year before, so…. Well on to this week 😀

At the moment it is quite hot outside and it has been for a couple of days. Because of the heat I have decided to start work early this week, this way it was still quite cool when I rode my bike to work and I would be home in time to turn on the mobile air conditioner in our bedroom for it to cool down enough to be able to sleep.

On Wednesday I decided to go to a store that had a sale because it would close its doors in the town I work in before getting on my bike to go home. I left the building and crossed the street, ready to cross the next street hit this store. A man crossed the road from the other side and walked up to me. He looked at me and I felt he wanted to talk to me, so I slowed down, looked him in the eye, gave him a smile and a nod and waited for his response. He slowed down as well. I was right he wanted to talk. I figured he wanted to ask for directions or something, but that’s where I was wrong. Instead he asked where I was going and if he could tag along…. in English…..

A weird request, but I was in public, not going home, so why not, he could tag along, I would go to this one store and back to my bike. It would give him company for about twenty minutes and it would give me a way to talk English, win-win I guessed. He asked for my name and gave me his. We started talking. He asked where I was from, I told him (take a deep breath, I wasn’t dump enough to give him my address or last name). He was surprised, he thought I would be English because of my accent (I know, you wouldn’t say the same when reading my blog :D) and I felt good about that. Flattery does feel good for your ego. He had already given me a compliment on how good I looked ( I know, be careful with such ‘stray cats’) so I felt quite good at that time. We talked while walking to the store, I told him I was going to ask him something I hoped wouldn’t offend and wasn’t meant as a bad thing. After that I asked if he was a refuge, yes he was.

It turned out I should have gone to the store weeks ago, because there was nothing left to my liking. I felt bad to leave the man behind, I had some time to spare, so I asked him if he would like to sit down somewhere and talk some more. He would love to. So we went to a nearby park (loads of people every step of the way) in search of a place to sit in the shade. We found a bench, but someone had broken a beer bottle on it. The man or maybe rather boy (I don’t know how old he is) swept the bench clear with some plastic he found nearby and we took a seat. We talked about all kinds of things. He told me he had been playing football, but had to stop because of injuries. Now he was studying and killing time before he would meet up with a friend of his. He talked about wanting a relationship where both parties would trust each other and how he would do anything to keep the other happy. He talked about coming to Europe to get away from catholic/Muslim wars back where he grew up. We talked about a lot.

I told him I have a partner I want to grow old with. He asked if I still felt like that after meeting him. YES. Nothing will ever change as far as I am concerned at the moment. After being together for seventeen years I still feel butterflies when I think about them. The man referred to relationships that had lasted longer and still got broken off somewhere down the road.  I told him not to hold is breath (but in a gentler way). He asked for my number so we could meet again somewhere in the future to talk. I didn’t give it to him, but I agreed to meet again on Friday, on the corner we first met.

I have mixed feelings about this. I don’t want to mistrust him, after all, he doesn’t have to be a bad person. That’s why I agreed to meet him again. I actually don’t trust him. I don’t feel his intentions are as innocent as he says, so I will be careful, but I don’t want to close myself for new friends. After all, if we can all act a bit more out of love instead of fear, the world would be more beautiful. That’s why I decided to follow love instead of fear. And no… he won’t get my phone number or address, but he will have my attention for an extra afternoon. I will keep you posted on that 😀

Maybe I am crazy, but I would rather get hurt or die when the things I did came out of love, so let it spread.




So last week you got the story of my trip to France.

The other supporter I told you about is someone I had just met, so it gave me some extra nerves in going away with the group.Turns out there was no need to be nervous, because the other supporter is a very kind and loving person. This person also made a comment that gave me something for this blog.They said I have a different way of looking at things. This is true, even though most of the times I forget that.

This came up because of the snow on the mountaintops. As you can see, the heading of this blog is the same mountain range I used in my last blog. The view from our broom closet. Why did I do this. To show you the state of my imagination. I’ve zoomed in on some parts and put those zooms here. The last zoom is something I just noticed, but I’ll put it in none the less.

In this blog I’ll give an assignment. You can choose is you want to participate, because the answers will be given to you in the end:

Can you find where all the zooms go in the overview?
I’ll put the overview here once more:

Zoom 1: Can you find the crying child?

Zoom 2: Can you find the cool troll?

Zoom 3: Can you find the exotic face?

Zoom 4: Can you find the silhouette of a woman’s head and a fancy lady?

Zoom 5: Can you find the creepy face (the one I just noticed)?

Zoom 6: Can you find the alien and the monster?

So this is me, this is my imagination. If I see shapes, my head tries to fill in the blanks. I see things hidden in shades, clouds, leaves and apparently snow on mountain tops. On our way home I even made a photo of a cloud, send it to my family app telling them the mountain had my dad’s eyebrows. And since I am sharing so many pictures, you get this mountain as a bonus 😀

Well that’s it, my imagination. Hope you liked it!

And I promised you the answers, so if you participated, you can find out if you did well and if you didn’t participate and want to know the answers you can see them.

The placement of the zooms in the overview

Crying child

Cool troll

Exotic face

Silhouette and fancy lady

Creepy face

Alien and monster

If you still can’t make anything of it, I can’t blame you. That’s just more proof of how crazy I am.


Alpe d’Huez

Tomorow I will be going home after spending a week in France. Because of that week, this could be a very long post. If so, sorry, if not, you’re welcome.

So… France…. I’ll start at the beginning, sort of… My partner is a racing cyclist. Just for fun, not proffesionally. They cycle with some friends. My partner loves it, because it keeps them fit and they can clear their mind. Most of the times they train for semi-small events, but last year they decided to do something big.

If you’ve never heard of this, there’s this event that raises money for cancer research. The participants collect money, and they will take part in this huge event in return. Taking part entails walking or cycling from the base to the top of Alpe d’Huez. If you cycle you van do this once, but you can also do this six times maximum. My partner wanted to go up at least three times, and so the training began.

Of course we partners wanted to come along as support, so that’s six adults. Because this would be our first time participating one of the cyclists suggested to take part in a team that had been in a previous year. They did. We as partners never met them before we actually arrived on the mountain, all people that came as support had special shirts, we didn’t. Let’s just dat, we didn’t feel like part of a team, and we tried at the beginning, but in the end we decided we could do without the others, and so we did.

Well back to the beginning of our trip. A twelve hour drive, including breaks. Then we arrive at a hotel, where we booked a six person appartment. One of us supporters couldn’t make it, because of a family member that passed away, so we het there with five adults and the man at the reception seems confused that we wanted to get five adults in the appartment. He recovered himself and said that wouldn’t be a problem. Right….

This is the lay-out of the appartment we had to spend our week. You open the door and on your righthand side there’s a bunk bed. At the head of the bed is the door to the toilet. At your left hand side when standing at the door, so opposite the bunk bed, is a door to a bedroom with a double bed and just enough room to stand beside it on one side. At the end of this halway, where only one person fits (and still they manage to hang a coat rack) is the door to the shower. It has a bath! And you shower in the bath where upon the floor turns into a pool. On your left hand it opens to a kitchen with a dish-washer. If two people are in it it becomes difficult to move, you then go through a door into the living room where there’s a couch that turns into a double bed and a tablet with seven chairs. Take a seat and stay, or bump into eachother at every turn. Then there’s a balcony. The view from our room makes up for the confined space. The picture for this blog is that view.

At the beginning of the week the cyclists of our group tried if they could het up the mountain. They could. Especially going down on the bike is scary. On thursday the climb would start for real. All of use got up at a quarter past two at night. The cyclists would go down at half past four and the event would start at half past five. The cyclists would be allowed to cycle up in groups. We supporters wanted to wave them off on the trip down. They went there on their bikes, we walked. Uppon arriving we couldn’t find them. There where other cyclists, ours had already left so we went back to the appartment to get all the good and drinks and stuff we needed to re-supply Them for their next trip down. We found a good spot and ‘took’ it at a quarter to five. Than the waiting began. The first cyclists started to arrive and we cheered on as many people as we could. After all, they all did something spectaculair, they went up the mountain to get that research money.

At first there was only mist. Every dat before had been Sunny, but this dat started in the clouds. It was so cold. Now emagine going down in cycle gear. The first time is bound to be cold, the seconden time is bound to be even folder, because of all the sweating during the climb. Supporters wore winter coats to Stay warm. My partner cycled up the mountain three times!!!! I’m so proud of them. And not only Them, but everyone that participated.

Tonight we will celebrate, tomorow we’ll go home. If the three cyclists of our group decide to do this again in the future I’m in Trouble however, because the other supporter in our appartment and I have said we would walk up the mountain if they ever go again. My partner told me to start training… Oops. Well it is for a good course, so I’ll put money (mine and that of people that Will hopefully sponsor me if it comes to pass) where my mouth is.

Love, dreamer

Magical dream

In the first part of my dream I am on some kind of exchange project with a whole lot of people I know from my different jobs and friends. I don’t know why, but somehow we are divided in groups and each group is doing a job they haven’t done before for one week. I am excited. I great the people I know that are doing another job than I am. Don’t ask me what it is I’m doing, because I have no clue. I only know I liked it, because I felt happy. One group was working at burger king, that struck me as odd and not that much fun.

My group went to get something to eat (not at the burger king!!) and from our table we could see someone else we knew. I said hi to him. He said hi back. Then I started to ask him a question, he dropped somethings on the ground and started yelling at me I should not keep him from listening to his teacher. Apparently he was in some sort of course for the job he was doing this week. I didn’t know that, I was just being friendly! I felt pissed when he reacted like that, so I decided to keep talking to him to a minimum from now on. If he wanted it, he could have it. I would just be civil and only say hi from now on. No more talking with him if he could react like that without notice.

My group was done eating, we talked a bit about the outrageous reaction of our ‘friend’ and about our own experience in the exchange project. We decided to go for a walk. One of us needed to get her leave blowers returned to her. The groundskeeper of the castle we stayed at had taken them away from her. So we go get them. The groundskeeper is not happy with those blowers, because instead of using them for cleaning the yard, they were used to just blow leaves around, for fun, because the owner found that a beautiful sight. Later on in my dream I know this person is my youngest sister, so from now on I will refer to her a my sister, so it will be easier for me to write about it.

So my sister loves playing around with leave blowers, because of she can help the leaves dance through the air. The groundskeeper is not amused by this, so he had taken them away from her. When my sister asked him to give them back to her he says sure and takes us to this small shack. He opens the door, we walk inside and there are two strange things leaning against the wall. One thing is for sure, they are not leave blowers. We don’t know what they are. The groundkeeper had this glint in his eye and tells us casually he has burned the leave blowers. She can have the two weed burners instead. That way, when she is playing around, he’ll get something out of it to. Not a very smart move, pissing of a woman and giving her something that shoots a stream of fire. My sister picks one up, examines it to find how to turn them on and once she found the right button points it towards the groundskeeper. At this point he realises his mistake and starts running. My sister is laughing like a maniak and runs after him.

After all that we need a break, so we decide on lounging by the water right along the castle wall. There are some kids playing in the water. A woman tells them not to walk in too far, because the floor drops away quite sudden. I know her and the kids, so after I heard her tell this to the little girl I raised my voice to the little boy when I told him to come back to the shore, because he was wandering in even further. The woman didn’t seem to react, so I figured it might be ok, but I kept my eye on the boy, just in case. It didn’t take long or… he disappeared in the blink of an eye. The woman went in after him. I kept my eye on the spot in the water, and when I thought it took her too long I went in after them. At that point they both surfaced. That was a close one.

My sister has been exploring all this time and found a well on one of the castle walls. It has a roof with a nest in it and a hole in the side of the well itself. She crawls in and somehow it changes. The walls fall to the sides, the roof tilts away, it turns into a huge fan, like those things they use in movies to create wind. My sister is so happy. The groundskeeper might have given her burners, she has a blower again! When the thing turns on the castle starts flying with all of us on board. My sister is even more curious and  wanders around some more. She finds a canon and I don’t know how but somehow she turns it into a weapon of mass destruction that shoots a nonstop stream of fire, like the weed burner, but much bigger. She didn’t want to, but it happened because she thought of what happened before.

Everyone is mad. My sister is trying to stop the fire and get us back to the ground, we don’t have a clue on how to do that..

The canon is in a room that has this beautiful cupboard. It has two doors on top and lots of drawers on the bottom. If you have seen the live action movie ‘beauty and the beast’ just think of the wardrobe that tries to dress Belle, it looks a lot like that.

The castle makes a turn and out of the corner of my eye I see a door or drawer of the cupboard open and reveille a page of a book.  I don’t know where I saw the page, because it was out of site again in no time. I run to the cupboard, thinking this could be the answer. I open one drawer after another, nothing. I open one of the doors……. Yes! It is a page from a book, and I had seen a book earlier. I figure if thing can change in this castle, maybe putting this page back with the book is all I have to do.

I run to the book, it turns out to be the first page. I put it in its place… nothing. I read the page. It is a warning to not start with the fire spells. Omg, it’s a spell book. I start flipping through the pages to get to the fire spells, in the hopes I find the one that has been used by accident, or to find the reversal spell and give it to my sister. Two girls are trying to read along over my shoulder. I turn around and shoo them. They look at me with disbelieve. I tell them they are not to read this. It is my sisters, someone they ridiculed, so they have to go. They try to walk just two steps so they can still read, but I make them leave. I try to find the right spell, but most of the text is difficult to read. Right at the moment I find the spell to use……… partner wakes me up by accident.

They don’t think I’ll wake up if they are searching for a tv-remote under my body, because when I sprint out of bed once they get the remote I get the question: “How come you’re fully awake all of a sudden?” Well, maybe I was waking up because they were poking all along my body to feel if the remote was there. I started waking up, noticed I had been dreaming and needed to share it with all of you! So I get up, sprint downstairs and start writing down keywords. The last part of the dream is still fresh, but the beginning is fading fast.

I think I captured the whole thing though. How cool that my sister was this magical being in my dream!
So.. There you have it…yet another dream. I hope you enjoy them.



A dream that’s a bit violent

I am cycling. In front of me are a woman on a scooter and a man on a bike with very small trainingwheels. It is obvious they belong together, but he never cycles at her side. He stays behind het. I stay behind Them, because we have about the same speed.

At one point we have to wait for a red ligt. When it turns green the woman accelerates pretty fast. That causes me to end up in between her and the man.
I give it all I have to pass her, so the two will be behind each other, but she keeps up the speed.
The man is still behind me. I try to create room for the woman to slow down, because the man doesn’t het up to her speed. She keeps up het speed though.
I hear the man say I have to show of, because my bike is an electronic one, so that’s why I am racing the woman, but he is wrong!

We arrive at a cash register (without our bikes and stuf). The man moves in front of me (next to the woman) and keeps ‘complaining’ about my behaviour. I start to argue that he’s wrong. Hij picks up a large bag to put on the conveyor belt, but makes sure to hit me on the head with it ‘by accident’.
I pull it of the conveyor belt and hit him a little bit harder ‘by accident’. He picks it up again, I hang back Just in time to avoid getting hit. He thought he hit me and had this smug smile on his face. That’s it, I had enough of this en dig my nails into the top of his hand. He screams in pain.

In the mean time we have arrived at the front of the line. There’s someone coming towards us, asking what’s the matter. I have been pushing my purse forward across the floor with my feet all this time and tell this person that the man had tried te steal it and I had reacties bij digging my nails in his hand. They believed me. The man was furious, but took his loss.

I start to pay for the things I wanted to by. There’s a nose spray among those things, and the moment it passes the scanner the lady behind the register says it will be 1200. 1200!!!!! That’s expensive. She takes the item of the list, scans it again and this time it comes to 4,95. That seemed more appropriate to me. I had already told her I didn’t want it if it was that expensive, so when 4,95 showed I told here that was a better price and how ridiculous it would have been to pay 1200 for a bit of nose spray.

At that moment a man steps forward and starts inspecting my nose. He pushes it and is finding out if I truly need it, or else I can’t even buy it. Luckily I am stuffed and have a bad cold, so he nods approvingly and I can go. I say my goodbyes. The moment I take my stuff and walk out I realise this is a cash register in a neighbouring country. A country I dan only communicate using both hand An feet, because I don’t speek the language.

I start wondering what language we used to get through the whole episode written up above, but am pretty sure it had been in my native language. At that point I woke up. Happy to be done with all that drama.


Still no dreams

Not that I didn’t have any, just no noteworthy ones. That is no new ones to write about, but I am still working on desciphering the old ones. You Will be able to read them when I’m done, if that ever happens. For now on to other things.

On my way to the theatergroup I came upon something strange this week. Or rather we, because my partner drove me there and picked me up after rehearsal. But back to on out way there….

We were in the car on out way to rehearsal, I was thinking about a lot. The soup in my lap, because I hadn’t had time to eat yet, but I had finished maling it, so it was hot, in a tray, on my lap. I had the idea to take a last look at the script while my partner was driving, but those plans got thrown out of the window because of my brother calling my partner. He needed some help or information or something. I don’t know and honestly…. I don’t care. Point is, I ended up talking to my brother, because my partner asked him if he wanted to talk to me, yes hé did. No going over the script.

Well, when I said goodbye and pressed the button to end our call I looked through the windshield and a lot of questions came to mind. None of them regarding the call I just ended though. The thoughts entered because of the car in front of us.

I am used to an antenna on a car, but usually they are the length of my fore-arm, tops. This one however…. If you would stand it on the floor it would be as high as the car! It was a very thin one that reached straight for the sky. It made the car look freacky or weird or whatever. I couldn’t help but wonder… Why?

I asked my partner, they didn’t know either, but guessed it had something to do with cell reception. I had a lot of thoughts. Maybe it was an undercover spaceship. Or An undercover policecar that stood out a bit to much, but they needed this antenna to get the information from the houses we drive past. Maybe it was a time machine and the antenna was needed to make contact with energy cables in order for the thing to get enough power.

As you van read, enough imagination, but I Will stop here, so you van share your thoughts in the comment section.

Love dreamer

Different blog than I intended

So I intended to write down some dreams again, but that took more time than I thought, just like my last blog. This time I tried another speech to text app, but I was smart enough to have my voice-recorder on as well. Good thing to, because the app didn’t work. Now I am trying to type along with the voice-recorder, but that takes a lot of time too. So no dreams yet, instead just some ramblings, in order not to let another week slide by without a blog.

So what’s new in my life? Maybe I told you before, but I don’t feel like checking. I joined an acting group. A small group of six and now that I joined seven people. At first I would be the person to read lines when someone couldn’t be at rehearsel. But last week they told me I get to do a part for real.

The reason is not do great. The person that would play the role originaly has health problems, so I surely wish him well, but at the same time I am excited that I’ll be playing this role now, because it is a great piece: how the other half loves. So I am learning lines all the time now.

My memory isn’t the best one out there, but for some reason learning lines is something I can handle. As long as everyone knows their lines that is. As soon as I’ll have to improvise, run……

If there is something I stink at it’s improvising. A Nice play will become a disaster in no time at all. I’ll start stammering, my mind goes blank and before long every instinct I’ve got is telling me to leave the sinking ship.

That’s where I start to lose control of my body. It Will walk around without my mind telling it what to do. Hands grabbing decor pieces pulling down things that shouldn’t come down, everything collapsing around me….

At least that’s what happens in my mind when I have to improvise. In reality I just occupy a blank state, untill someone else gets me back on track by uttering a frase I recognise.

As you van read, I am looking forward to doing this play. I truly love doing this, so I’ll keep you informed.

Love dreamer

Dreams again

This is actually the blog I made for last week, but instead of typing I used a voice to text app. Sounded smart, but when I wanted to get it ready for the net…. Let’s just say I am late because this turned into a jigsaw puzzle. I don’t recall everything from the dreams, that’s why I used the app to begin with, but it recorded other words than I said, so……. I hope you can make something of it, but I can understand if you stop reading before the end, so just in case you won’t get there, let me say this: Love, Dreamer.

Okay I had a dream last night and two the night before. I’m starting with the one from last night because that’s the most disturbing one I think.

My dad is somehow alive because of some sci-fi thing that happened or something. He had come back from the dead. We had enjoyed his company a while longer than we would have if the sci-fi thing hadn’t happened in my dream. I forgot what it was, just that it was a sci-fi solution.

So my dad had been back with us and the first thing I remember in my dream is him standing in the middle of a room where doctors were present as well. He gets this funny look on his face, grabs hold of his chest, stands with his legs apart and topples over just like that. A doctor walks towards him and without doing anything declares him dead. The Sci-Fi thingy stopped working, it’s all the time we had left. We don’t know that at first and I think: “oh no my dad, I’ve lost him” and I feel a great loss. Then I start remembering the Sci-Fi thing, that makes me feel better because we had more time than we should have had.

So the next thing that happened in my dream (and this is the biggest portion of my dreams, my dad toppling over was just a small part) my phone rang and I thought ts was my boss (an elderly man). In my dream there’s this event planned and I would take participate since I was part of the organisation. I had this sentence I had to say in a place where I had to stand and all things would intertwine. It made sense in my dreams, not when I’m telling you in my diary. So I’m on the phone with my boss, I tell him what happened and I’ll see him tomorrow to talk about the event that will be taking place the day after tomorrow and my boss tells me: “you’re not coming in tomorrow!”. I tell him yes, he tells me no. I am to stay at home tomorrow to think about what happened, to feel my feelings. In real life I went to work when I shouldn’t, when I should take time for emotions. Stopping to ‘feel’ is something I don’t do, working is lot easier than thinking. At least I think so, and then when I get to work it turns out I can’t concentrate and I can go home again. But in my dream my boss won, I didn’t go to work because my boss told me not to come.

The day after tomorrow I went to work. I listened to the tomorrow part after all, so the day after tomorrow is free game. I thought it was my boss that told me I couldn’t come to work, but it turned out it wasn’t. It was his father. My boss didn’t like me to start with and when I got to work I heard everyone gossiping about my boss not being too happy with me in losing my father and not coming to work and then my boss comes. He says: “follow me please, we need to talk.” There’s no need to be doing nothing while talking, so we’re going to work as well and we get to this stable I guess. He rinses off a pin to put on your nose and hands it to me. He already has one on his nose. It’s more like a clamp.

We go to work and there he goes telling me all the things that went wrong and I don’t recall what he was telling me I just recall feeling like crap for a second, then something else happened, and that’s something I don’t have in real life. I told him off. I told him how wrong he was, how I gave everything I had working for him. He always got 100%. I don’t know what happened after that there’s just one dream I recall after that, and I don’t think it’s related to this one, because we were driving around. We passed this house that burned to the ground and we talked about that house. Somehow that was where someone we loved had lived and I think it might have been the elderly man I had been talking to earlier in the dream. That means it would be the same dreams as where dad died.

Apparently the burned down house was one that was beloved by everyone in the car because it had been a place to rest when cycling and stuff like that. That’s truly the end of the dream because that’s when I woke up and I remember nothing else.

Now the night before I had two dreams. I lived in sort-off a fairy world with classes. These classes were literally on top of each other. The better your class was the higher up you were I was with some sort of woman and kids and we were hunted. We didn’t belong where we were. If we went on the street we took a risk of getting captured. There where people searching for us like child services or things like that. One time we went outside, into the woods, and then we got hunted down. Somehow we ended up in the marketplace with the whole group. We looked down over the railing to see if we could escape that way. There was a rope leading down. The woman in charge put one of the little kids inside a soldiers bag. The child fit, don’t ask me why, with enough room. I hung onto the rope the woman in charge hung onto me and the bag, and we slid down to the lowest level there was.

I think I mixed the levels up. The lower the level was, the better it was, because it was closer to the earth I guess. It makes no sense, but it’s the dream, so it doesn’t matter. At the lower level we split up and I went to a bunch of people’s to talk to them. I tried to look like I belonged. At some point a man walked up to me and started to talk to us, describing a female. They were trying to find the group that escaped from the higher level. He describe me and I kept looking at him like I was very confused about what he was saying, like I had nothing to do with the thing he was talking about. They bought it because they didn’t take me in.

I went to a house where I had been before. I remembered I had been on the lower levels and escaped them once before because this family that kept me hidden and made plans on how to get me up again. The family had moved, someone else live there now. I figured that out just in time and that’s where this dream ends I guess.

ln the next dreams my partner and I are walking through a wooded area. We pass a jeep and on the shadow side of the Jeep I notice a Spiderman doll. I don’t know where we are going, but I follow my partner. We go into the woods, there’s this cabin kind of thing. Maybe this is actually the same dream…. I thought they were separate, but maybe I was just fleeing from the same people as in the first dream. I don’t know how but my partner was there.

We enter this cabin. It looks like a big wooden treasure chest or something, only it had opened sides. We walk in to look around and I notice a clock. Everything inside the chest gives me a feeling of doom. It feels like in movies, when you know the action taken can only go bad. Both of us think: “oh no”. We want to get out, but all doors close, no way out anymore. Then There are three of us instead of just me and my partner.

There’s a recorded message playing that states the doors of this chests will be open exactly 15 seconds a day. Yeah we pick those 15 seconds to get in and be trapped! The message says that automatic guns will be shooting into the room regularly and we see this trail at our feet. Bullet holes in the floor, but only smack in the middle part, from one end to the other. We step to the sides as machine guns begin shooting and miss. Because they only shoot the same path over and over We’ll be safe on the sides. There are doors we can open and every door gets opened .I don’t open a single one mind you, I know better than that. I don’t watch thrillers or horror movies because I know every time you open a door…. well actually every time they open a door you get scared and you’re lucky to be alive and not ever had a heart attack.

Every time the others open a door they screamed in fear try to close doors. Behind every door are other people. Some of them are dead, but don’t seem to know this. Then at one point some of us or one of us, I don’t remember, notice there was this hatch leading to an attic or something. it was probably a good idea to open that…….as if! Thank you! So the Hatch gets opened and down comes this flow of water. It had been some kind of an aquarium room and all the water that comes down takes two people with it. Some of the people from the rooms are alive some are ghosts, I don’t recall. It was scary as hell.

Then my dream switches to a house on top of a cliff, where a girl waves. This girl has the ability to shift through dimensions I guess. She gets out of her house… sort of floats out of her house. The air around her is almost solid, not truly solid because she can move through it and it’s her doing. She changes the air.Tthat’s the dimension shifting I guess. She’s on her way to go and save us, or at least that’s what I think she’s going to do.

I can’t tell you if it’s really what she was going to do, because that’s when I woke up. Maybe she was the one that kept us there, who knows. I woke up. I try to remember as well as I can. This is what I can make of it. I’m not able to analyse this. I don’t know… I truly don’t know. Maybe you have any ideas, so tell me if you do, I’d love to hear your ideas. For now, have a great weekend, week or whatever you want. well that’s it for now, write to you later!


I am an idiot!!!

My partner tells me I am lucky my head is attached to my body, because otherwise I’d lose it. And I guess they are right, because I ‘misplace’ things all the time, not being able to find them for days and then out of the blue…. O there it is! That is why I get told how lucky I am with the head situation so often.

Today I hit rock-bottom, at least that’s how it felt, but if somewhere along the path it turns out I can go any lower, you will be the first to know. At least if you are the first to read the blog, otherwise you might be the second or third, but anyway, this is what happened…..

My partner and I left our house this morning to get a present for a party we are going to tomorrow. We knew what we wanted to get, but somehow didn’t get to buying it until one day in advance. No problem, we bought it, it is at our house right now, so I can get creative with it during the day attaching some money, so the receivers will get something we put time into picking it out and got creative with, and they will have money to buy something they will truly like, instead of the junk they got. Let’s face it, people seldom buy you something you truly love, unless you picked it out yourself. Or that could be just me… ungrateful brat that I am.

The first part of the day is going as planned. Next stop… to get my high heels repaired. On the way there my partner asks me if I would like to go get some fish to eat. YES PLEASE! It had been a while since I last ate fish, so I would love to! So unexpected stop to get some fish. We had planned to go grocery shopping as well, there was a supermarket right next to the place we went to eat fish (I ate fish, my partner won’t, even though they used to sell it at the market, they will not eat it, not even if their life will depend on it I think), so why not get the groceries there. Not a problem. Fish eaten, grocery shopping done, back in the car for the last shop, getting those high heels repaired. I go into the shop, give the man the shoes, ask what it is going to cost me and when I can pick them up and get back in the car knowing they will be good as new tomorrow.

Reading this you must think, where is this rock-bottom, reads like a normal day. You are right, nothing strange yet, until you know what you will read in a few seconds. We are in the car, feeling good about having done things so efficient and fast when…. A mini heart attack. Where is my phone?

Ok information you need. Today I am wearing a dress. If I wear a dress I don’t have pockets (duh), so instead of putting my phone in my bag or holding it in my hand I put it in my bra. Safe place, never lost it there. If it is really hot out I put it in a plastic bag and then in my bra, so the sweat won’t ruin the device. Judge me all you want, it does the job. I have my hands free and do not need a bag to drag along.

So I have the mini heart attack because I can’t find my phone. I scare my partner (who is driving) by freaking out almost yelling: “where’s my phone”, like I am about to lose my life. (what has it come to with this world that something like a phone gets me worked up like this.)
I knew for sure I had taken it from home, because I had been playing games on it when going to get the present. I had it when we left there, because I remember having it in my lap and putting my hand over the camera lens so the sun could not reflect in my partners eyes. At one point my partner wanted to hold my hand, so I put in under the skirt of my dress. Between there and the heart attack I didn’t remember having it with me.

I remembered thinking something fell when getting out to get the fish. Did I forget to take the phone from under my skirt? Was it in the street, maybe run over by our very own car?
My partner decided to pull the car to the side of the road, took their phone and started to call me. I heard my ringtone vaguely, but at least I heard it. RELIEF…. But the sound was awfully soft. It did not come from under my seat nor out of my bag. I don’t know why, but I decide to open the door. The sound grew louder. How in the world….? I close the door again, to see if it is in the compartment. Nothing, the sound gets softer once more. I get out of the car, check the back seat. My phone has gone to voicemail by now, so I ask my partner to try calling me again. Nope, not the backseat. How can it be I hear the ringtone more clearly when I am outside the car. At that point my partner is calling me again.. I close the door to the backseat. I stand up and just as my eye wanders to the roof of the car the ringtone starts again. Clear as can be. MY PHONE IS ON THE ROOF OF THE CAR!!!!!!! HOW IN THE WORLD DID I MANAGE TO GET IT THERE? More important how in the world hadn’t it slipped of?

I got in the car, the phone safe and sound by some kind of miracle, and my partner gets back on the road. We nearly collide with the car behind us, because both my partner and I didn’t notice it. Our minds were still boggled by the phone. Mine perhaps more than my partners. Could be my partner did not notice the car because I kept screaming: “HOW IN THE WORLD!!!” After escaping death by collision my partner calmly told me how lucky I had been the phone was still on top of the car. I kept screaming: “HOW IN THE WORLD. WHEN…. WHEN DID I PUT IT ON TOP OF THE CAR!? HOW IN THE WORLD DID I PUT IT ON TOP OF THE CAR!?”

It took about five minutes for me to calm down enough to start thinking clearly. When and how did the phone get on top of the car? Logic dictates I somehow got it on there when getting out of the car to buy fish. I had it when leaving with the present but I didn’t have it when buying fish or groceries and I didn’t have it when taking my heels to get fixed, so it must have happened when I got out of the car for fish. I still don’t know how though. Did I take it from under my skirt, heave myself out of the car, by grabbing hold of the roof with my phone in hand and then letting go of both the phone and the roof? I guess I will never know, because I am honestly trying to recall wat happened, but…. Nothing. And let’s be honest, the phone must have been on there while driving around, so it stayed on the roof while we made turns and stops and pulled up.

I can’t believe this has actually happened. I think my partner might be right, I would be able to ‘misplace’ my head if it would not be connected to my body. On the bright side… this was a miracle, so….. I am of to the woods, with the luck I have today I might actually stumble across a unicorn or something! If so I might even tell you about it :D.



I asked a friend of mine what my blog should be about this week, because I am so tired I couldn’t think of anything. His answer: stars.

How did je come to this answer? Simple, we had been working with glow in the dark stars mere moments before. He was attaching them to a piece of string for decoration for a work thing or something and I helped. The picture that goes without this blog is the result of the project. This is just a trial piece. If it works out the way they want more string will follow.

Right, that’s how the toppic of my blog became stars. He suggested it and I told him my blog would be a very short one then. That’s when he told me to listen to all the little lights from passenger. He assured me that song would inspire me for a post. When I told him I didn’t have headphones on me, and I would need those because I am at the theatre for a show, he said the lirics would suffice.

I read the lirics. They are beautiful and I feel hope in the chorus:

We’re born with millions
Of little lights shining in the dark
And they show us the way
One lights up every time we feel love in our hearts
One dies when it moves away

But the last bit of the song fills me with regret:

We’re born with millions
Of little lights shining in our hearts
And they die along the way
Till we’re old and we’re cold
And we’re lying in the dark
‘Cause they’ll all burn out one day
They’ll all burn out one day
Oh oh, they’ll all burn out one day
They’ll all burn out one day
Yeah, no

I believe in the afterlife, this song feels so final! But still beautifull. Then I remebered I had put headphones in my bag weeks ago, so I fished Them out. Right now I am listening to the song. I love the voice… I love the music. It sounds like stars. My friend was right. The song is inspiring. It made me think, I have something to write about and I am glad I learned this song exists. I hope it may inspire you as well.

Love dreamer

My dad

Remember the loss of a loved one I wrote about last year? I don’t know why I didn’t tell you who the person that died was. Maybe I was concerned someone would recognise me because of it. I don’t care anymore. I’d much prefer my true identity stays hidden except for a few, but still.

As you can guess from the title, the person I lost was my dad. Why the change of heart in telling you who he is? Well, it is 5.19 a.m. when I am writing this, because I dreamt again last night. It was the best of the best of the best, because my dad was there with me. I had to get up and write it down because this is I dream I never ever want to forget, even though it is foggy as it is, so here it is:

I don’t know why, but my sister (yes, I truly have siblings) has two student flat’s, at least that’s wat my dad called it. They are more like wooden cabins outside of the city, with every luxury there is to have. For one reason or another both my sister and I are still young enough to go to school, and while she has these places she can live, my dad comes to pick me up every day.

So this goes on for a couple of days in my dreams, I have no clue what other things went on in my dream, I only remember my dad picking me up one day and how good it felt. There are two days when he does this in my dream, so maybe it was just the weekends and the place was mine to start with and not my sisters? I don’t care, he was there The second time he would be picking me up I remember feeling like he had forgotten about me. Apparently I thought he would pick me up from where I was at that time, so I walked to this house, hoping he would be there on the couch, like the last time. He wasn’t

I walked to the hallway and there he was, in a wondrous jacket I can’t even start to describe and a Sherlock Holmes hat. He was checking the bathroom, and I knew he would be happy, because the tub had been repaired. It stood full of water like it was waiting for him. Dad looked at me with this twinkle in his eyes and exclaimed: “I can finally use it again!!!”, after which he stepped in, fully clothed, and let himself slide under water completely. There he was in the tub, looking at me, happy as a child. The tub was big enough for him to fit completely and still have room on all sides. My dad was not a small man, so this tub was huge, even though it felt/looked like it was a normal size.

I remember asking if he still had his phone on him. No, he had already taken it out as a precaution, then he dangled one arm and a leg out and asked if I could take off his watch, just to be on the safe side. Sure, so I remove the watch from his wrist. “No, not that one, the one on my ankle, I kept it there to be safe from the sun”. I don’t know why someone would do a thing like that, but since I do crazy thing in my dream as well, I guess it runs in the family. My dad talked to some guy that came into the house about the bath finally being fixed. This is how I know my about the two student flats for his daughter (my sister as I remember now, but hey, dreams slip away so fast). He told the man about them.

Then suddenly I was at my wedding (no I am not married in real life) being happy, seeing someone I know with a puppy and cuddling it. My dad came to say goodbye, I don’t know why. This is where I wake up. I guess, because normally I would work today and my alarm clock would wake me up in about fifteen minutes or so.

I lay there, thinking about the dream, not wanting to forget. Emotions started flowing through me, I started to cry. Since my partner is still asleep and has to work today I went downstairs so they wouldn’t wake up on my account. The other plus is that I could get behind my computer and type up my dream. Now I won’t forget. I am thankful for having my dad with me last night in my dream. He hugged me and kissed me and told me stories and made me feel safe. I still miss him and I have been crying all through typing this, but I am so thankful he was there, because it means I didn’t forget about him, and since I believe in afterlife, I think he didn’t forget about me. Even though I can’t hug him in real life, I will always have those moments where he will be with me and I can hold him again.

Last year, when writing about my loss I mentioned it wasn’t the first close loss, but the closest so far. I have lost my brother as well. I am happy to say I’ve had dreams where he and I met up and talked about all kinds of things. So I dream about both my dad and my brother. Not often, but sometimes. I would like it to be more often, but you can’t have it all. Something about a gift horse 😉

It might not have been real, but it’s better than nothing at all.


Sunday/monday hypothesis

The titel might be sunday/monday hypothesis, but I have to be honest with you… I don’t know if it really is a hypothesis. I don’t know if it means what I think it means and I was to lazy to look it up, so I went with it. And even if I don’t use the word correctly, it sure as hell makes for a fancy title, so there’s at least that.

I can almost hear you think: “Stop talking about the title, start talking about this maybe hypothesis of yours. Let is decide if you thought of a correct title!”. You’re right, so here I go…..

I have noticed a recurrent phenomenon for a couple of weeks now. Every monday I have trouble getting to work. Not because I hate work and would like the weekend to last forever, (although that would be great as long as the money would keep coming in even though I don’t work, because if not I could still het by for a little while, but hoe would I pay for food and stuff) but because I honestly have trouble waking up and staying awake!

So this happened week after week. Colleagues started to notice I was always a bit of on monday. They started to ask questions, questions I could not answer. “Why are you always more curt on monday?” “Why do you look so tired today?” “Are you oke? You are so quiet.” After a while of stating I just hadn’t slept all that well I started wondering…. It seems that most of the time I don’t sleep well is sunday night. Why?

At one point I figured that it may have something to do with the fact that the weekend had a different ‘vibe’. Every work day is more or less the same. I get up early, go through my morning routine, cycle to work, het through work, cycle home (sometimes getting some last minute grocery shopping done on the way there), spending the evening talking with my partner or to my partner, depending on wat’s on the tv, sometimes an appointment to go see someone and go to bed on time because the alarm will wake me early next morning. Not that exciting, I know, but I like it that way.

On saturday and sunday that routine goes out the window. Appointments are made, fun is had. In short, all excitement is experienced in those two days. Well actually most of the Times if even just starts on saturday evening, because my partner had to work on that Day as well, so I clean the house during the day. Is it really that strange sleep doesn’t come easy after all excitement is over and I have to prepare for work the next day? No I guess not.

I think I’ve gotten proof of concept this week. You are, both my partner and I are free on thursday. Yesterday was a busy one, loads of shopping done, going out for dinner, a lovely Day, but lots of excitement to ‘work through’. Last night was a bad one, so…..

Conclusion, after loads of stimuli my brain has trouble working through them, resulting in waking up several Times and having trouble getting to sleep (again). The weekend had most stimuly, espacially the way my week workshop, so sunday night tends to be a bad one.

Now you tell me: 1) did I use the word hypothesis right? 2) am I the only person that had this problem? 3) do you think I came to the right conclusion?

Sweet dreams 😉

Love, dreamer

Best Friends

Do you remember your best friend(s) from when you where a teen? I remember mine. The memories I have a warm ones.

I hear about childhood friendships that last forever. You met on the playground and after years of friendship you end up doing walker races in the halls of the home you both ended up in. I have friends of that caliber, but my best friend from when I was a teen doesn’t belong to that category. I didn’t know that back then and it does not matter that it isn’t one of those friendships, it was a good one all the same.

I loved spending time together and as far as I know so did he. We did all sorts of things including pretending to be vampire slayers on the playground in the evening when none of the little kids played there. As far as I knew we knew everything there was to know about each other. No one could ever know me as well as he did.

I loved every second of our time together, but there came a time when the friendship ended. Nothing dramatic, it was Just done. Around that time I met my partner and with that I found a new best friend, one that became to know me better than my best friend from when I was that teen ever did. Not that that’s strange, this telationship goes deeper than the other could go.

It has been years since I was that teen. I still think about my best friend with warmth in my heart and wondering hoe he is doing. I would love to bump into him at one point and to go have a drink and catch up, but I don’t think that will happen. I have this feeling it is a onesided wish.

This week I met him though, but not in real life. I bumped into him in one of my dreams and it was wonderfull. To bad the environment of my dreams was hostile, we didn’t get drinks, we talked strategy on hoe to stay alive, bit none the less, when I woke up it felt great to have seen him again, even if he was a figment of my imagination.

On another note…. Typing this blog and thinking back on the dream a question popped up. My dreams seem to be dark and violent quite often, why is that I genuinly wonder. Well enough of that thought.

Friendships, even when they don’t last. That friendship brought me so much, I Will always cherish it. I van only hope you have known/know/will know such a friendship.

Love dreamer

Shared accounts

I’ll start by letting you in on a little secret, because I don’t remember doing so before. Some of you know this, and some of you might have figures it out, but I made up my Facebook name, why? Because I had to be a real person, so public dreamer was not accepted as a name for my account. I am a real person, but I don’t want to write using my real name, so Felicity was ‘born’.

I am not that skilful when I need to use social media, so if there would have been another option for Facebook I could have used, I couldn’t find it. Sorry.

Why the confession? That has to do with something I did yesterday. Let me start at the beginning:

Years ago I refused to make a Facebook account. Why would I need one, I didn’t see the point. My sister however thought I did need one so she made me one. Let that be a lesson: make sure your siblings don’t have the password of your e-mail account. When talking on the phone she nonchalantly told me: “by the way, you are on Facebook too” when I told her I would delete the account she told me she would make another one if I did. Well what could I do!?!

I could have changed the password to my e-mail account, but I have a feeling she would have made An e-mail account just to make a Facebook account in my name. And thus it came to pass… I became a Facebook user. Not that I used it that much, but I started using it for the choir and stuf. I liked it.

My partner didn’t want An account either so they started using mine. They had permission and at first it truly didn’t bother me. They forwarded the occasional post from his employer, but it was still obciously my Facebook page. After a while they started liking sites, forwarding posts that related to their cycling and even started commenting on those posts. My partner used my Facebook account more than I did.

After endless asking to create a seperate account I had enough of sharing my Facebook account and I did something about it. Contrary to my situation years ago I don’t know the password to my partners e-mail account, so that option was out. Then I decided on just changing mine. My partner had used it so much it was practically theirs already, so I fidled until I found the right part of my account and changed my name to that of my partner. I changed the profile picture and banner, I changed the date of birth and everything else I could find. Then I told my partner to go on Facebook.

Did they like it. I think so. The only comment I got was: I could have made my own account. This one is connected to your e-mail. So I changed that as well and my partner changed the password. I made a new account for myself, so now we both have an account. It feels good to have my page to myself again.

Love dreamer

The Barber of Seville

Today I Will be going to my first ever opera and I am very excited about it!

I tried to dress for the occasion, but I am not shure if I did it right. Please tell me if I chose wrong, so I van take that into account if I go to another opera.

Most people (man and woman) where pants, but I like to dress when I go to the theatre. The people on stage make an afford to entertain me, so dressing up is the least I could do. The show had yet to start and I have no idea what to expect. The show is in Italian, but luckily for me it has ‘subtitles’ running above.

I’ve finished my coffee, so I’ll head to my seat. It will take some time for me to see the whole thing and get back to this blog, but you….. You can just read on and find out hoe my first encounter with an opera went.

Intermission, on my own, a drink in hand. Normally I would be watching people, but today I write. I loved the first act. It’s not a heavy opera, it had so much gest in it! I love it! Sure I don’t understand a word, the ‘subtitles’ helps a lot, even though they only translate the basics.

Upon finding my seat I heard the orchestra tuning. Only two rows of people in front of me I enjoyed watching the musicians warm up. Slowly more walked into the pit and the sound grew more and more complete. The conducter came out, we all applauded and the show started….

From the moment it began al the way to the intermission my attention was held by the music and the characters on stage. Not long after it began I heard an aria we all know (at least I think there can’t be anyone alive that doesn’t know it)…. Figaro. And for the first time ever I know what they are singing about!

The only anoying thing about it…. The woman behind me. They keep discussing what is happening on stage. Why!!! Just watch and enjoy. I don’t need to hear you talk about the ‘subtitles’ not working. Ever listen to music? There’s a lot of repeat in songs. If they put all of that in the ‘subtitles’ you would keep busy reading instead of watching. And the worst part about these women, after the intermission they had the nerve to ask another woman to turn of her phone, because the light bothered them. The. Curtains where still closed at this point. Sigh….

I’ve seen the whole thing now and I loved it. I will definitely go see another opera. We gave them a standing ovation afterward. Did you ever notice the following: everyone starts out clapping in their own rithm, but you allways end clapping in the same rithm.

I’ve had a blast! This theatre pass is one of the best things that ever happened to me! Tomorrow another musical, I have such a difficult life ;p. For now a last cup of tea, take of my make-up, brush my teeth and go to bed. Tonight I will certainly dream of love and idiotic plots to get together with the one you love. I can’t wait…

Love dreamer


I love theater, but let’s be honest, that is not a cheap thing to love. Every once in a while my partner and I go to a musical or play, but not often.

There are so many shows I would like to go to, but there are a couple of reasons why I don’t. For one, I don’t earn enough money to go to all the shows I want to see. Then there is the fact that my partner doesn’t want to see everything I would like to go to. If we both want to see the same thing the date had to fit the scedule of the sportsteam my partner supports. Let’s be honest, going without company is not as much fun.

Sure during the show it’s ok, but waiting for it to start and during the intermission it gets quite lonely. Not that it stopped me from going, it’s Just less fun. Afterward it is nice to have someone to talk to about the thing you just experienced.

Then something wonderful happened. I die not het rich and my partner still won’t go to all the shows I want to see, but it got easier for me to go. How? That story begins when the father of my partner gets an offer je can’t refuse. Nothing indecent mind you.

There is this pilot going on where about 900 people het the opportunity to test a theatre pass. A handfull of theatres are connected to this initiative. You pay a fixed privé each month and in return you van visit as many shows as you like at the connected theatres. He subscribed for a pass and sugested his wife for another pass. You van suggest people on the site and if there is a spot left they get the opportunity to register as well!

And that is where I come in. My partners mum gave them the e-mail address of my partner and my partner decided I would be better suited for the pass. We signed me up! Tonight I have my first show.

The pass makes it easier to go alone, you already paid for the thing, so you want to use it. And the best thing is… You don’t het the cheapest tickets! You have to wait until 30 days before the show to order tickets, and when you do you get the best seat available at that moment.

Tonight I go see my first show. Next week I will go to my first opera! I can’t wait to see al those wonderful things, so who knows, this might not be the last thing you hear of it.

Love, Dreamer

Baby it’s cold inside

First of all sorry I’ve been absent for two weeks, but I’ve been sick. I didn’t know on what day I was living and slept most of the time, but I am better now.So what is there to share? I’ll spare you my time being sick, nothing to tell.

We’ve had a couple of nice days with sun and everything, so what to do when spring peeks around the corner to see if we are ready for her? Go to a giant freezer ofcourse! It is winter after all.

Why would you go to a giant freezer, what could you want to do in it? Well I have heard of freezers you van go to to ski indoor, but that’s not what I went to. The freezer I went to was kind of build of old sea containers. They got turned into one giant freezer for a couple of months for only one reason… Ice sculptures.

So the weather outside is delightful and I decide to go see some ice sculptures instead of enjoying this sneak peak of spring. I had not been to this event before and walking up to it didn’t promise a good time. The containers stood at the end of an old factory site that is currently used for events. Walking up to the containers a couple of people walked away from them and I heard one of them tell the other they had expected more of it followed by the fact she had heard others say it was too small as well. Great….

I had to walk around a couple of old sea containers to find a wooden stall where tickets could be bought. After buying a ticket my hand got stamped with the words, now you can go again after you come out. Again, that didn’t promise much. Then to the first container, waiting in line this container funtioned as a hallway you could wait in without standing in the rain or cold (not needed today). Halfway in I started to feel dizzy, great a difference in presure no-one else seemed to notice. After about ten minutes I was at the front of the line, a door was opened end I streamed in with about ten others before the door closed again. Instant winter. We walked through hallways of ice surounded by sculptures. You needed your wintergear in here. My toes froze after about a minute and my fingers followed suit, something I could not use, because I needed pictures to use one for my blog.

I was in aw. Most sculptures where beautifull and I had trouble picking Just one. It took about twenty minutes to walk past all the sculptures and I loved it. The smart thing is they made photo opps. Like the tea table from Alice in wonderland. The mad Hatter sad at one end and on the other was an empty chair you could take place on to have you picture taken by a person that came with you. Post these pictures on Instagram and Facebook and you could win a camera! I will not do that, but I will use one picture for this post.

When leaving the containers my glasses fogged up at once. It felt good to get warm again, but I would have loved to see more sculptures.

Love dreamer

Shopping Spree sequel

Today I went on another shopping Spree. Why? I needed shirts.

So this past week I have enjoyed wearing my new pants, but the shirts I wore with Them….

I have trouble eating without getting food on my clothes and with some foods you het grease stains that won’t come out. Well two of the shirts I put on had such stains.

Then there is the fact that I own a lot of shirts, but I only wear a select view and most shirts are short sleeved. So the shirts without stains that are wearable in winter are….. How do I put this nicely….. Grubby. So it was time to get new shirts to go with the pants.

Best step…. Finaly het my cupboard sorted and get rid of the things I never wear. Trust me, more than half of what I own would het thrown out. Or at least should get thrown out.

Will it happen? Will I take my time to sort through all my old clothes? Stay tuned and maybe you will find out 😉

Love dreamer


So ever since I have finished my studies I have had a temp job. I have been working for the same agency since 2009. Now ten years later a change is going to happen.

The company I currently work at as a temp is giving me a contract! A contract for a year, so still nothing permanent, but I won’t be a temp anymore! It is exciting and scary at the same time.

What will happen?

I have this old fashioned notion that I would like to grow old in a job. I know, you can’t think like that nowadays. Why not though? Why do you have to ‘grow’ and move on. I would like to have a job I know through and through, where I feel comfortable and helpful. I want to stay in one place, care for what I do, without thinking about ‘right impressions’ if that means they want me to move onto other jobs.

What is this bull about having to get restless if you work a job about five years. If you do certain jobs it will take you at least two years to learn the basics! How in the world does a job like that have you bored in five years? Why do people think you can’t be trusted to do your job for years at end with the same energy as you had in your first few years?

Am I boring? Maybe, but I like it. I like the safety, I like knowing what I do. I don’t want to feel like I have to be some-one I’m not, but if I don’t I might be out of a job forever. Now what? Well whatever it is going to be, I am going to give it my very best effort. I like the job I’m in at the moment and I hope they will see I do the best I can and won’t mind I don’t want to ‘move on’.

I don’t know if another contract will be in the cards anyway, because the company states that it will need less and less people, but who knows. 2019 began with a lot of positivity, so I hope that spiral will last a long time. We’ll see. For now…. Just a few more temp days, and then celebrate my new contract!!!


Shopping spree

Today I went shopping because I truly needed to. Why? I’ll tell you, but I’ll start at the beginning.

I have been gaining weight, and losing it, and gaining it, and losing it, and so on…
Why, because I love food and find it difficult to keep a steady weight. Think about it what you want, I made peace with it. I’ve got clothes to fit me through different sizes, and I have made the deal with myself not to buy bigger ones than I have now. If I grow further than the largest clothes I have, I have a problem.

Why would you do that. Well I love to live, but I want to have a clear line, so when I hit the biggest size, I have to take a few steps back. I don’t mind, I am happy living that way, healthy or not. At least I don’t start eating because of my size. I live and am happy with the way I look. When I start to hate the figure I see in the mirror, I take care of it.

The last pair of pants I bought was about 4 months ago (for choir), the last pair I bought for myself was about a year ago and that time I truly needed to, because of…. Well let’s keep it at the fact that I needed one without blood to wear at work.

So this week started, I rode my bike to work, had a nice day and somewhere during the day I go to the toilet. While sitting down I notice a light spot in my pants, I reach for it and…. Damn, a hole. Not a very visible one I guess, because no-one told me it was there (let’s hope that is because they didn’t notice). Well the pants would have to be thrown out, too bad.

The next day came around, I put on another pair of pants and went to work. During the lunchbreak I went for a walk with two colleagues I really like. We were talking about stuff and at one point I told them that I had to throw out a pair of pants I had been wearing the day before. I told them it had worn on the inside of the leg (a spot that wears out easily when you ride your bike daily) and pointed to the spot. Only to discover this pair had the same problem!!!

Well, that means a legal shopping spree. I need new pants, because I don’t have that many left. Lucky for me my partner doesn’t mind, so we went shopping. My sister in law pointed me to a shop that was having a super sale (and quality clothes) so we went there. I went straight for the pants on sale, found four I liked and went to try them on. They fit nicely, and at a size that is acceptable (not bigger than I told myself I can go) especially since  it is one size below my accepted limit. My partner found a nice pair in the new collection as well (this one was pricy, since it was not on sale) and I decided to buy that one as well.

So now I have five new pairs of pants and I bought a new belt as well. I feel good. The best part…. It took about half an hour to find, fit and buy them. Now that is a kind of shopping I like. I didn’t look at the tags, because I just needed new pants. I picked what I liked, fitted and took it home. At the end I was happily surprised at the amount I had to pay, because of the sale. It was worth it. And hey, it’s not like I will be spending a lot of money on any pants soon, I have got five pairs now, I won’t need to go unless they are worn out again, so let’s hope the quality turns out to be what it promises.


Write a story online?

So I’ve been thinking… I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I have been thinking….

Last year I restarted a story after a friend of me told me she wanted to read more of my writing. Occasionally I take some time to work on it, but not enough. Why not? Series what else. Watching them like a zombie.

So just now I thought, what about writing my story online? Where? On this site. When? Every Thursday, just as my blog. Instead of just a blog post I try to post information about my story. Another bit I wrote for the story itself of information having to do with my story. Thing about the information, it gives you spoilers, but some people don’t mind, so they could read it. I’d have to make sure I get two more items on my site: book and background book or something like that.

Would you like that? If so let me know. I can’t say for sure I will do it, but chances are I will.
The thing keeping me back right now is…. Well it’s not just one thing.

  1. Do you want me to share it/ would you read it?
  2. If I share it online, is it still mine or can anybody go and take it?
  3. Is my story good enough to share?
  4. I have no clue how big the thing will get, could be a small story, could be closer to a book.
  5. If I decide to write it and put it here, do I share the spoilers/thoughts behind the writing or don’t I?

See plenty to think about. Let me know will you.

For now I will just keep writing my blog online, but I will think about putting my story out there, just so you know. The biggest challenge will be that I would have to do it in English and that is as I wrote before, not my native language. I guess I would write in my own language and translate for the blog 😀

How could I only just know remember I am writing in another language than English? I guess it is because English feels like a second nature (when I talk that is, not writing in English) My mind doesn’t have trouble with the language, so…..

Well that’s it for now. I will go record some of my previous blogs to get SoundCloud up to date.


New year!

Well hello everyone! Welcome to 2019 and all the best wishes to all of you.

I only have one new year resolution and that’s writing a blog every Thursday again even if I’ve got loads of things to do on that day, because I know I’ve been terrible at posting regularly at the end of 2018.

So what’s new? Not much, just been busy. Christmas with my mom on one day, with the family of my partner on the other day and the second one was at our house so I tried my best to be a good host, we had a nice dinner and the next day I had to be back at work, stressful, but Christmas was wonderful.

For New Year’s eve we had three other couples at our home, they all slept at our place, so obviously stressful as well, but a wonderful time as well and everything went as planned, so yeah, the end of 2018 was a nice one, but I am glad we entered 2019 and things calmed down again.

On the note of calming down, my dreams are still not that calm, because last night I had a nice weird dream again. Although, nice? Maybe not that nice, because adrenaline was pumping, but we all survived. Thing is, I don’t remember much, because I didn’t take enough time to wake up. My mind started racing as soon as I opened my eyes and that is when dreams get away from you. I do remember some of it though.

I remember a huge Santa and a little Santa that tried to get to me and several others to do ….. Well, that part got away from me, but I know we were scared. At one point I figured we would try and trap them in separate rooms and in order to get them there I would leave a trail of photographs taken off them while they were sleeping (why would you take those and why would they follow the trail? Not a clue, but I was damned sure it would work). I left the trail running through the building, but they woke up before I was done and started following the trail before I could get to de rooms we wanted to use to lock them in, so we had to hide instead.

At one point, while both Santa’s were looking for us an idea struck me and I knew how we could get rid of those demons (I have started supernatural from the start again, so I guess that’s where this came from). All we had to do was get our hands on their present bag and pull that over their heads, they would both fit inside (I’ve been watching Christmas Chronicles :D)  and would not be able to get out, so we could than bury the bag and be done with it. So I sprinted forward and took the bag with ease because they didn’t expect me to take it.

I jumped the small Santa first pulled the bag over his head and with a little wiggling pulled it over the rest of his body. The bag stayed small and the other Santa started out looking scared, than he looked furious. I jumped him as well and then both of them where gone.

That is all I remember, but I know the feeling of the full dream and that was adrenaline filled.

That is it for the first blog of this year. Write to you next week (let’s hope this is one resolution I can stick to).




So let me tell you about this day I have had…. I wonder if there is a massage there I should pick up on.

It started in the morning. I was riding my bike to work. Nothing special, but I had only travelled about a fifth of the way when….

I was on a main road, there was a crosswalk, but the person using it was just starting to cross it from the opposite side of the street, so I could ride on. On the lane going in the other direction a van was waiting for the person to cross, on my right a car was waiting for the moment he could get out of the side street. I passed the crosswalk and……… a car that came from the left side street had decided to take the chance even though the van kept him from seeing if the road was clear. This car managed to stop just a few centimetres from my bike.
Close call, don’t stop your bike, go on, you need to go to work.

Work was as it always is, nothing special, nothing to talk about here. On the way back home on my bike however….. Just a few blocks away from work a car swayed closer and closer to me. I didn’t trust him to stay on his part of the road, so I slowed down, just in time to avoid a collision because the driver got nearer and nearer to the curb. When waiting for the traffic light I found out why he hadn’t noticed he nearly bumped me off my bike. He had his phone on his lap and it definitely needed his attention, because even when the light turned green he only gave his attention to the road partially. That resulted in him driving slow enough to annoy the car behind him and he kept swaying like he was dancing in his car.

I rode on, still not taking a hint and got home safe. Now earlier that day I had talked to a colleague  about putting up my Christmas tree that evening. She told me I could do it in the weekend, seeing I really didn’t want to, but felt I needed to do it. Well I did feel I needed to do it, because I would not have time in the weekend, so I kept word with me and put up the tree.

After arriving home I went to the attic and got the tree and ornaments down. The instruction on the coloured branches and where the go on the stem was still at the attic, so I went to get it and since I was there I took a ceramic church we put on our subwoofer every Christmas and one of the ornaments that we put in the windowsill. I had gone down one flight of stairs without any problem, on to the second and last flight of stairs. Four steps in, I don’t know what happened but I lost my footing and I went sliding down the rest of the damn thing. I can tell you one thing. Stairs are not made to slide on, to bumpy.

The church survived, for the most part. So did I. It could have gone a lot worse. Both my elbows are blue, my shoulder feels bruised as well and my butt is certainly blue. My tailbone is hurting like hell and sitting isn’t much fun, I suspect it won’t be for a long time, but I survived. Third time that day things could have been bad. Is there a message and if so what.

Did grim reaper try to tell me he wants to take me? I hope that’s not the message. I think I would rather like to think I have great guardian angels and I still have some time to spend on this earth, but I can tell you this. I was glad that day was over. I have been wondering if it would have been better if I had stayed in bed, but with my luck that day I think the bed would have given out as well.


Google thingy

Yeh, I know it probably has a name other than Google thingy, but I don’t know it.
I have seen the thingy because my partner brought it into our home.
Why? Because my partner works at a store that sells them. If you want to sell something, you need to know how it works, or at least the basics. My partner already knew the thing from work, but apparently we need one in our home now, because it should work in our own language as well as English. And so the Google thingy entered our home.

I have hear of Siri, but I am not a big Apple fan (sew me), so I have never seen such a thing live. I did not know google had this thing you can put in your home to ask questions to and give commands to turn on lights and appliances. I still don’t know what to think of it, but the first evening the thing was in our house was funny as hell.

Yeh, she should be able to speak and interpret my language and she does I guess, but…. She is far from perfect and that makes things hilarious. Why do I say she? Well it has a female voice. I don’t know if you can have a male voice for the thing, I should ask my partner if that is even possible, or maybe I can learn it from people who know how this Google thingy works if you leave a comment.

So why is she hilarious. A couple of things. To begin with, she has my sense of humour. I mean her jokes are so lame, I love them. They are not really jokes, they’re one-liners. I searched on the internet to find an English version, so here it goes: “What is a sea monster’s favorite snack? Ships and dip.” My kind of humour. When I was a lot younger there was this joke that cracked me and a friend of mine up (still does). Everyone else that heard it looked at us like we were insane to find it funny enough to role of our chairs with laughter. Here’s the joke, just so you know what a nut I am: “To camels walk through the dessert. One camel say to the other camel: “the weather’s nice, isn’t it?” The other camel replies: “Shut up! Camels can’t talk!””. Yep still does something for me, I am grinning madly while typing it 😀

Back to the google thingy. My partner tried to get her to open Netflix. She opens Netflix in YouTube. In other words, you get a commercial for Netflix on YouTube. This goes on for twenty something minutes. My partner actually asks the Google thingy to open music in YouTube, she opens it in a music application on our TV instead of YouTube. I found this hilarious. My partner kept tinkering with the settings in the hopes of getting it right. Alternated with asking her to tell a joke, so I could not concentrate on what I was doing because I find her jokes so funny (most of them at least).

O and the lights, my partner kept going on: “Oke Google, turn the lights off” with the standard reply: “I am turning off two lights”. Then my partner would say: “Oke Google, turn the lights on”, with the standard reply she was turning on two lights. You can imagine, as hilarious as it was at first as tedious it became after a while. When I had more than enough I asked my partner if they were done. Nope, not until I had talked to Google. Asked her to turn off the lights.

Now you would say that is easily done, talk to the thing and have a little peace and quiet. Yeh…. Thing is, I could not talk to it. It felt so weird, so uncomfortable, I could not do it. I took a deep breath several times to start the sentence: “Oke Google, lights off”, but every time he words got stuck in my throat. I could not talk to Google, not with my partner there. It felt to weird. Then finally, on my way upstairs in passing the thingy I did a quick: “Oke Google, lights of” and walked on upstairs as fast as I could.

The Google thingy has been in our house for a couple of days now. I feel a little more comfortable in asking her to turn on lights or the radio, but it still is a weird thing. Think of it… how long before the computer grows a mind of its own and determines it doesn’t like taking orders, so it plots to kill you with your own appliances, just so it can get a little peace and quiet. I am not taking my chances, I ask as politely as I can and I thank the damn thing after it did something I asked for. Even if it tried and tells me it can’t do it yet, but it is still learning. Yes, it tells you it is still learning…. so you better be polite to you stuff, before it turns of your light instead of the lights in your home.
I know I’ll try to stay friends with my Google thingy.


Late again,

And again: NO NOT PREGNANT! Just busy.

I have been shopping the first Thursday I didn’t post anything. You might say: “how does shopping justify not writing a blog. That doesn’t take up a whole day!” It die, because I went with three other people and the shopping was going on quite some way from home. So our journey started quite early in the morning and ended quite late and so I simply forgot you guys. I’m sorry.

Last Thursday I didn’t have time because of household chores that needed to be fine. Normaly I would do those on Saturday, but I got picked up early last Saturday for a visit to the sauna and the people that picked me up would sleep over afterwards, so I had to do everything on Thursday.

I decided to write one early this week. I had the opportunity to do do because I am on a bus right now for work. A fun day ahead of speeches and workshops. Wihoo.

So what’s new with me besides the things I bought while shopping?

Nothing much. I quit something again. “NO” Yes. “What did you quit this time? Your job?” Nope, just choir. “Why? You love singing in the choir!” I do. But if you remember, I am lazy as well. Choir started at eight p.m. and I work untill about five p.m. After coocking and eating that leaves me about half an hour to do whatever I want before I have to leave for choir again. That is the point where I don’t want to leave anymore. I haven’t been there for about six weeks. Since I pay to participate I am throwing away money, so I quit.

That doesn’t mean I stopped singing. I still sing while cycling. The difference is that I actually sing music of my own choice now. I don’t think I will ever stop singing. Just so you know.

Another thing that happened is a parent of a friend of mine died. In having lost mine and knowing how good it felt that many people came just to support me I wanted to be there for this friend. I asked if I could come, got a positive answer and arranged I could go with work. Or… arranged….. said I wanted to go and everyone said: no problem, go. And so I went. I left home at seven a.m and got back well past nine p.m. It may sound stupid, but it was a beautifull day. Not the fact that someone had died or so many people felt sad, but the fact that it was a beautifull service and it the energy felt good in the support there was for everyone. I hope I could make a small difference by being there.

That’s it for now.

Love dreamer


Soooooooo…….. the personal trainer thing, discontinued by me, knees and hips don’t like it too much and started creaking more than they usually do. The using the Wii every morning, I love my bed too much. In other words, I fail…. Again.

I know, it is all on me. I should hang in and go on, but I don’t. Even worse, I don’t lose any sleep over it. It is wat it is. I should care more about is, but I don’t. Don’t I want to lose weight? Yes I do. Then why not do everything to lose it? Because I am lazy. I never said I am not, I know I am.

It is not like I don’t do anything. I try not to eat everything eatable within reach and I try to eat healthy things. I ride my bike to work (granted, electric bike, but still, movement). I am not cut out for working out and diets. I like good food and alcohol. So what I don’t fit into the small sizes? I’m an L to XL and I don’t mind.

I do try not to go bigger than I am though. And that takes enough effort as it is. I like to think there is more of me to love this way 😉

Whatever size you might be, if you are happy and reasonably healthy you should be fine with it. Don’t think you need to look like the supermodels, because you can’t live on a single leaf of lettuce and water. At least I don’t think that is healthy. You shouldn’t take it to the other end and eat everything you can. Be sensible, but live and love life, that is more important than being a stick. If you are a petite by build, good for you, enjoy it, it is beautiful to, but it is not the only beauty. Beauty comes from within, never ever forget that.



There are a couple of posts that are about being careful with words. Words I write down on the internet that is. I discovered I should take the same care in real life, because I am good at speaking my mind without thinking.

Obviously you can hurt people that way, or offend them, or something like that.
I have done that, without knowing, so let me try to correct it, online 😀

I befriended this wonderful couple. It started out with becoming friends with one of them at work, then I met her partner. A warm, caring, smart and beautiful man. I care for them both deeply. In order to make the writing and reading go smoother I shall give them fake names: Becky and Harry. I had never met his best friend Steven, but he talked about him a lot, as best friends do, so I had made a mental picture. I saw someone like Harry, sort of a Harry 2.0.

In my mind that is a compliment, it turns out, in Harries it is not, but that might have something to do with how I explained things to him, hang in there, we’ll get to that part.

In my mind’s eye I saw a man, just as loving, warm, caring, smart and beautiful. You know how we are all beautiful in our own way.
Harry is beautiful inside and out at least that is how I see him (and I know for sure Becky does too 😉 ). Harry loves his wife, making music, playing chess, watching good movies and a whole lot more, but aforementioned things are the things he talks about most.
I love hearing him talk, there is so much passion and knowledge! I love him for everything he is.

So now that you have a sort of mental picture (at least I hope so) let’s get to the part where I should have thought before speaking. The first time I met Steven was when Becky and Harry got married. As said, I had never met him, and the person that came in looked a lot different than my mental picture. In came a man that looked like an Italian cover picture, long hair, sharply dressed and looking like he was very much at ease with all the people surrounding him.

Now let me get this straight, Harry is not the complete opposite of Steven, he dresses sharply as well, but he has short hair and I feel Harry is more like me, not too comfortable with getting to much direct attention, unless it is from people he knows well.

I didn’t think about it, but foolish as I am I told Harry what I thought: I expected Steven to be a Harry 2.0, but instead here is this gorgeous man.

Yeah, not that nice if you think it through dreamer….
In my mind it would have been a compliment to be a Harry 2.0, but was I saying Harry isn’t gorgeous? I guess that is what it sounds like if I would have thought about it I might have rephrased it or not have said it out loud at all. You see, where Steven might have a classical beauty (the kind adds would use) Harry has the realistic beauty. The way his face lights up when he is talking about the things he loves or when he smiles. The way he is build. Harry is the one I would have had the courage to walk up to while I would shy away from Steven.

So dear Harry, please know in my mind being Harry 2.0 is the highest regard you can get.
You are the best.


1 year anniversary

Believe it or not, but yesterday was my one year anniversary 😀
Not mine personally of course. That would be quit something a newly born writing a blog.
I think the blog could be quite interesting though. Can you imagine?

Today a new thing was hanging above me. It looks like daddy, but different. Why do all these thing make such weird sounds, I am going to have to learn them I guess in order to discover things a bit better.

Today was a good day, I had something new to eat and I love it. Something nice and soft has been placed besides me, I feel better when it is with me, safe in a way.

No I am not a baby, lucky for you, even though you would hear the wonder in every new thing it learns. By the time I would be able to walk I would be telling you about this thing my parents call fire. They tell me to stay away from it, but it is so beautiful I want to touch it. Bad idea. You will be reading how I found that out.

I am well in my thirties. So my stories are a bit different. But I hope you will read that I sometimes still wonder about things like a kid. Not often enough, I admit that, but I try to keep an open mind, as far as I can.

But one year, one year of what then? One year of blogging! One year of sharing things I feel and think. One year of opening up to strangers. One year of being vulnerable online. And what a year it has been. Ups, downs, I tried to share them all and I hope you have enjoyed it, I sure know I did.

I’ll make it a short blog this week, but I would like to thank the people who take time to read my post and even to comment. I enjoy every like and reaction. Even though I write for myself to start with, it is nice to be noticed and appreciated. So again thank you.


Trip to Portugal

So I am in my third and last week of vacation. Last week has been spent in Portugal. Beautiful country, it was a blast. My partner and I have visited different cities and we have spent some time at the pool as well. A nice relaxing week in the sun.

After spending some time in the sun, not having to do anything you would think everyone goes home relaxed, but that’s not true for everyone. Our stay in Portugal wasn’t to exciting, we had a relaxed time, so there is not much to write about. That is up to our trip home. That was….. interesting. My partner likes to go home late, so you have the ‘whole’ day to enjoy the last bit of your stay. I hate that. I would rather fly early morning, because the last day isn’t a day where I feel ‘relaxed’ in doing stuff, because you have to keep an eye on the time.

Our last day was a nice one. We hired a car for the duration of our stay, so we didn’t have to wait for a bus to pick us up. After lunch we started driving to the airport and we stopped to see some towns/cities on our way there. Nice and relaxed. The returning of the car went smooth and soon we were standing at the airport. We had clothes to change into in our carry-on luggage so we wouldn’t return home in a skirt and shorts, after all, the temperature back home was still good, but it would be colder, especially because we would land late at night. So we changed our clothes. I changed in a toilet stall first while my partner watched the luggage, and then I ‘guarded’ our stuff while he changed his clothes. While waiting a man talked to me asking if we were doing the same as him and his friend, the answer was yes! I loved being able to speak proper English, because him and his friends were from there. We talked about our stay a bit and going home and stuff, just chitchat, but I loved it.

When my partner came back out we made our way to the first line to wait in. The one where you hand in your luggage and get your boarding passes. At first we had five lines, and only two of them were for people who didn’t have a boarding pass yet, that would be us :D. After a while two more desks were opened up for us, but we stayed in the line we were in, because after all, we had a seat on the plane, you would have to wait in a different place if you made haste here, so we didn’t mind the wait.

Now I don’t know how it happened, but for some reason there were two rows waiting for the same desk, so the people to our left were waiting to be helped at the same desk as us. I figured it would be like driving a car from a two lane to a single lane, you pull in like a zipper. Not all people in line felt the same. A lady to our left especially wanted it to be known she felt other people where cutting in front of here. Those people didn’t react to here though, so she felt she had to repeat it over and over. She was standing next to those people that were doing her wrong, so she told the lady she was with over and over: “These Oldies are going to cut in front of us, wanna bet. But let them or else they will be wail about it.” Obviously a grown up that made those remarks, I had trouble keeping a straight face. Those ‘Oldies’ were about her age or younger. We would have been behind this woman, but the lines to our left were emptied out and so we were asked to go there. We past this point before our adult friend, I loved it.

We went on to our second line to wait in, the one where they check you and the belongings you want to take on board of the plane. We showed our boarding passes and were directed to a line to wait in. In the line next to us were the ‘oldies’ from before, so my partner asked them if they didn’t mind our line was moving faster and had a laugh with them for the childish behaviour of the other woman. We put everything in the trays and walked through the metal detector. We could walk through without trouble and got our belongings back. At that point I noticed I was still wearing my watch when I walked through the metal detector! No one had noticed and the thing hadn’t made a noise. My partner noted he was still wearing his watch as well. So much for security, but hey, on to the waiting room before boarding.  We had been waiting in the first line for so long though that we already heard the announcer call for boarding the plane, so no waiting in the waiting room, strait through to the lines. They were short, so we got to the front in no time. The lady scanned our passes. A disapproving sound rang and her screen turned red. Oops. Now what. The screen said our boarding pass numbers did not occur in the list. How could that be? In the meantime the row behind us grew. I felt a bit ashamed even though I couldn’t help any of it. The lady checked the list of passengers, we were on it, still the boarding pass number was not recognised. Another person had to come take a look and after about ten minutes the thing was taken care of, we could go on. I was hoping we wouldn’t have more trouble boarding. It went flawless from that point.

In front of us in the plane was a couple with two kids, one of them still baby. We had the misfortune it cried about two of the three hours we were in the air. They can’t help that, so I didn’t mind, even though I normally hate noise. What I did mind though where here reactions to one of the cabin crew. The child had been silent for about a minute, then started up again. The steward passed her seat and started to sing ‘we are almost home’ to the baby. (The title is a direct translation). The woman flipped, said she had just calmed the kid down and it started to cry because of him now. I can tell you, it wasn’t him, the kid had begun to cry again before he started to sing. He meant well. Both parents told him to ‘walk on’. The woman stood up, kid in her arm and cursed loud enough for everyone on the plane to hear. The curse was both sacrilegious and hurting, because she placed a disease after the sacrilegious word. Not to nice. After a bit the steward came back to settle things because he didn’t feel good about how things had gone. He told them he had meant well and didn’t like here reacting the way she did, cursing with diseases and all. She actually acted like she didn’t get wat he meant and made him repeat it. Or she truly didn’t know, but that would be even sadder. Both sent him walking again, nog wanting to hear anything more from him. He wished them a pleasant flight. I felt for him. He tried to do something nice and this was the reaction he got!
I noticed both parents felt bad that everyone had to ‘deal’ with their crying kid, but that is no reason to react like that. She even whispered to her partner she was NOT going to apologise.

The wonderful thing about the flight was the pilot. He had so much passion for flying he kept using the intercom to tell us above what country we were and wat we could see (even though it was dark out). Why some regions had lights and others hadn’t. It was lovely. The last part of the flight brought another surprise. The pilot had told us what landing strip we would be using and that we had to taxi for about fifteen minutes after landing. Just before landing he told us we would be flying about five minutes longer, because we had been directed to another strip. Why? Because the plane before us had a tire blow out, so the landing strip we were supposed to land on had to be checked for rubber fragments so the next plane would not ‘trip up’.

Well that’s it. After that we got our luggage, went to our transport to get to our car and drove home. About a quarter past two that night we got into our own bed, in our own home. That is such a good feeling after a trip.


To post or not to post, that’s the question.

Right now I am going to write a post of which I am not sure you are actually going to be able to read it. Meaning I need to write, but maybe I won’t put it online. Why? Several reasons. I don’t want to hurt people who think differently for one and I don’t want you to think I should be in a white coat with extra-long sleeves for another.

What is it that is on my mind then? Well I was wondering how much my believes should influence my reactions to others and in what extend I should hold on to them if it means hurting people.

I believe in god, but I don’t go to church. It may sound silly, but I don’t believe in god in the biblical sense. I do believe in him however. I believe god is love.
If you believe in god, why doesn’t he heal the sick and stop wars/crime you might ask. We are all free to make choices in our lives, if god stops war and crimes it means free will doesn’t exist either. I believe our lives here are just an in-between. A place to learn and grow, before we go on and grow in the spiritual world.
Just this believe will offend dozens of people. Please don’t be offended. I feel everyone should be free in what they believe, as long as believing doesn’t become something to hide behind.

That is why this post started in the first place. Believing something gives you something to hide behind as well as give you strength. At wat point does it turn from strength to a wall to hide behind. I mean… not everyone believes and with the people who believe there are so many believes that differ in ways that fanatics don’t even want to have anything to do with people that don’t have the same believe.

We are all people. We should all try to live the best live we can without hurting others. Spreading love is worth so much more than spreading hate and fear. Thing is everyone knows both love and fear, but we only tend to see our own feelings, not those of others. If you actually take time to think about their fears you might have to acknowledge you don’t differ as much as you thought.

I believe in ghosts and everything that comes with it (except maybe those TV shows that thrive on fear and special effects). Other people don’t, so wat. Well find out wat is true once we are dead, or not…. Main thing is, live the best way you can, respecting others.
I don’t claim to be able to see and hear the dead, I can’t. But if I could and others can’t, how far should I take that? Should I tell others what is right and wrong because the dead told me so? And if I did that, would that be hiding behind my believes? The other can only take your word for it, so…. If the other can’t experience the same ‘voices’ their view is different than yours.
It is like giving one person a paper to read about an event, the second person only the radio to tell them about it, a third person can see and hear it on the TV, than you have the person that was the eye witness and lastly the person that went through it. Even the event is exactly the same, they will all take it in differently. None of them are wrong, it is still the same event, but the feelings will make their point of view differ.

This is how things work every day. The way we perceive things are our point of view. If someone would come up to me and told me my deceased father would like me to join him and kill myself would I do it. NO! For one thing, my father would never say that, for the other, I didn’t hear it with my own ears. Yet there are whole groups of people that killed themselves because they were told to do so from a believe standpoint. Why? I will never understand, but I need to understand for myself that I will always have to try and find the point of view of the other person. Things that are normal and ok for me might hurt someone else, even if I don’t mean to. If I think I am right about something from what I believe in, but I know it will hurt someone else, am I in the right to hurt them, should I hold on to wat I believe in? Or should I tone it down and take the feelings of the other in account.
In my opinion it should be the latter. I still wonder. I am confused. I know loads of people that say, hell or high water, I come first, only then the other. If it hurts their feelings, too bad, time for them to deal with it and accept me for who I am. I get that sentiment, but should you not provide them with the same curtesy, accept them for who they are? Respect their feelings and standpoints? Maybe they are not the same, but that should not mean you should push yours through as more important than theirs. Try to meet in the middle. Sometimes I even try to take a look at their side of the road, and you know what, I am still alive and the fresh view even taught me some new things.

Well enough rambling. I am going to leave this post in my computer for some days, read it over in a while and see if it feels okay to post it. If you are reading this, feel free to give me your point of view and hopefully respect mine even if they are not the same.


Vacation near home

So my three weeks of vacation have started. Woohooo! And what to do with all that free time on your hands? Well the first thing is of obviously sleep in. I LOVE to sleep. The second thing is spending as much time with my partner as I can ( I know, I know).

So our first day the weather was perfect for a lazy day. Sleep in for a very long time and hang around the house in sleeping wear. Lovely start. Bit of television, cuddling on the couch, the works.

Second day may partner says why not go to the outlet centre nearby (DO I HAVE THE PERFECT PARTNER OR WHAT!!!!) So we went shopping. Normally we don’t come home with too much stuff, but my boots needed replacing, so we did that, and we were both in need of a new winter coat. Luckily we both found a new one as well. Loads of money spend, only two days in, but it was nice :D.

Third day, we went for a bicycle trip. I said it would be nice to tread the city we live in like the ones we visited in our country. If we stay in our country, we often take our bikes or rent some and cycle around to get to know the place. Near our home there is a sign to follow with your bike, so why not pretend we don’t live here and start following the signs?
The signs work like this: Throughout the country there are bike trails. The signs are all around pointing you to a junction where you can decide where to go next. At the junction is a map and all you do is decide to follow a number on it by going where the signs point. Easy!
So we did that, we went to the first junction, decided where we wanted to go and followed the signs (no yellow brick roads, but he, loads of magic ;))

At one point there was this sign that warned for a KM of ground where wildlife could cross. Another couple was cycling in front of us and seemed to take the same route. We had hardly past the sign or out of the field to our left came a herd of cows onto the road in front of us and behind the other cyclists. The herd turned left, that meant the herd would be walking in front of us, because that was the way the sign pointed us to. We decided to slowly follow the cows. One of them stopped walking, turned sideways and stood there looking at us for a few seconds, before it turned again to follow the others. These cows seemed to be out for a jog without a farmer in sight! The first crossing we came to we thought to get rid of the cows, but they seemed to be following the same signs as us, because they turned left just like the sign said. I started thinking maybe they were like bulls, because the man cycling in front of them had on a red jacket. Was he the reason the cows went for a jog?

They stayed in front of us for a while and every turn they took seemed to be the way we were going. At one point they stopped jogging and started walking. The cow that had looked at us before did so twice more. My partner didn’t feel too comfortable, afraid the cows would decide to go back and come straight at us. Once they slowed down I decided to walk with my bike, in order not to spook the cows. I wasn’t afraid of them. To my knowledge cows are very calm and friendly animals. Then all at once they turned right, onto an area for hikers. Al of them hopped over the wooden obstacle that was on the ground and walked along, like it was an everyday thing. Nothing to see here. We could go straight ahead and lost the cows.

We met the other couple again at the next map. They asked if we ended up right in the middle. They had decided to go as fast as they could as soon as the cows came onto the road, afraid to end up in the middle and under hoofs if they would be accidentally knocked over. I told the man I was wondering if they were following his coat. He had been wondering the same. We were all wondering if a farmer would be looking for his cows now, because how often do cows go on a stroll. I had a blast. Afterward I asked my partner if we had been behind the cows about a KM. He asked why. My answer, because then it truly was 1 KM of ‘wildlife’ crossing.

Today we have been cycling again, but this time it was less eventful. None the less, I love spending time with my partner. Since the vacation started all my days have been dark blue. I love it!


More exercise and other stuff

Ok, let’s start with the more exercise. My friend had the bright idea to put me on a race bike. That was quite a workout! But hell it hurts you back. I like it better than the exercises of the week before. I have been working out on the Wii as well, except for today and yesterday.

I think I am coming down with something, because my head feels stuffed and I keep sneezing. I feel tired as hell, but sleeping is difficult because the breathing gets hard. When I’m up it is ok, there is ooze inside, but not in the way of breathing. It is when I lay down or move my head in another position than upright that I know it is stuffed. It is like a glass ketchup bottle or something. When you turn it upside down you see the ketchup slowly make its way to the cap. Gravity wants it to be as near to the ground as possible. Same goes for the stuff in my head. You feel it moving as close to the ground as possible. If it could get to my toes, it would go there, I am sure of that.

Thing is, I can’t be getting sick, because I have just 1 day of work left before vacation starts. Three weeks to spend with my partner, without work or anything being in the way. I am looking forward to it. So is my partner. Spending time together is so important. Three weeks sounds like a long time, but it is over before we know it. Of course I will be trying to keep posting, but no promises are made 😀

Today is a day without much inspiration. I don’t know why, but I read somewhere, just type, things will come to you if you just try. You erase the junk and keep the good stuff. I am not going to erase the junk. You can skip it or read it if you want. I’ll just keep this post short.

I would like to end this post with a shout-out to people reading this that are having a tough time at the moment. And of course all others who need a boost, because this goes for everyone.

You are beautiful the way you are, no matter what they say. Asking for help when you can’t handle something on you own is not week, it takes strength, no one can do everything on their own. People who say they can are hiding a lot of pain/loneliness or other things. Be the best person you can be, nothing else, because even a smile or kind word spoken to some-one else can make a difference. Live with love in your heart, show that love to as many people as you can, and you will get love from others. Sure some people will try to crush you/take advantage of you and stuff, but a heart filled with love can withstand everything, even if sometimes it feels like it will break and not puff out again after some-one stood on it. Your heart is strong, you can do it!


Working out?

Ok, sometimes you just need to make yourself feel better right? At least that’s the point where I am now. I am done with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act. So what do I do about it?
I decided I have been lazy long enough, time to go about things differently. I don’t know if I can make it happen or how long it will last if I get where I want to, but I have made a start.

Most of my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and years back I made myself a promise, I was not going to let myself ‘grow’ to much. I don’t go shopping for new pants when I am at my largest, because the they will become bigger and bigger. Right now I am at a point I need to take action. Other people say it is not that bad, but if I let myself ‘go’ it will get to a point of no return. So let’s do this!!! The doctor said I should be able to do everything, so I have no excuse to be lazy anymore.

I hate the gym, if I register I stop going in no time. I have tried that before. Going with friends does not work either, because after a while I will find excuses not to go even if my friends tell me I should. How do you go about things then? Well, I did two things to start with and there is something else I intend to do, but I thing that will be hard to go through with, because I am addicted.

The first thing I did was ask a friend of mine to become my personal trainer. He agreed and last Saturday was our first session. Keep in mind I have not been doing anything for a very long time. I ride my bike to work, but I even cheat at that, because it is an electric bike.

So my friend took me to a training field. The first thing that went through my mind was “o no, people will be able to see me!” I am so out of shape an now people will see me struggle at working out! I will be flailing around like a fish out of water, while these people are doing true workouts and having something funny to talk about later.

My friend told me not to worry. These people come here to work out and respect others that want to work out. Sure…… they respect others that work out. What I will be doing can’t be called working out. It will be stumbling through. But no mercy, I had to go there. We walked there as a warming up. That took about an hour. Once there we started a run around the field. I ‘ran’, but about halfway through the round I wondered how far I would come, because I already felt like I was going to die. Strangely enough I got through the round.

Then we started five different exercises doing each one for 30 seconds, with 30 second intervals. After doing all five we went for another run around the field. My ‘trainer’ talked to me and I made the mistake to talk back. I wasn’t even halfway round when I had to stop running. I started walking instead, because I was so out of breath I started hyperventilating. I got instructions on how to take control of my breath back, it worked. I learned not to talk while running that day :D. So on to the next round of exercises. At that point someone living in my brain decided to redecorate, because a heavy pounding started. It was worst behind my right eye and man I felt like a zero when I decided that was it, no more training that day, because I was afraid I would get a migraine. The pain behind my eye is an indicator.

We sat down while I took some pills and we drank some water. My friend asked me if I wanted to go on and told me he was already proud of me, regarding that I started below zero condition wise (my own words). I didn’t want to disappoint him too much, so we ran another round around the field and as a sort of cool down we walked the last round. While running I only gave a thumbs up/down or a nod of the head as an answer to the questions that came my way. I ran the full found, on will power. That felt good. So that was our first session, our next session will be better (I hope) :D. I am grateful he is helping me out like that.

The second thing I did was take out my Wii balance board. Every morning before work I start up my Wii fit and ‘work out’ for about half an hour. Someone asked me if you can really call that a work out. Hell yeah, I sweat like crazy and my muscles hurt. The sit-ups we did last Saturday are still hurting. When I have to do them with Wii I can barely lift my body, but I try as well as I can. Thursday is my regular day off so I decided that I would do a bigger workout. As you can see in the picture I booked a lot of minutes :D. I am proud of myself for doing this, even if some people might think it is stupid and childish and it won’t get me where I want to go. I feel good about it, an no one is going to take that from me.

The third thing I intend to do is stop using my laptop/YouTube/Netflix as much as I do now. I have to earn it! So I decided to see myself as a kid that has to be told no. I can do my laptop/YouTube/Netflix two hours tops (trust me, that is cutting waaaaay back) and I start doing other things. Like reading a book or writing the story I was talking about earlier. I won’t promise this will be happening, but writing it down makes it easier I guess, because I put it out in the world now. People I know can ask me about it now and try and keep me to it.

Today was a good start at it. I have not been on the computer until I started writing this blog. O wow, no today was not a good start. I have a smart TV and by way of music I have been listening to ‘Straight Outta Oz (deluxe edition’ from Todrick. Does that count as being on YouTube? I guess… but at least I was doing something productive at the same time (household chores). Well, I am proud of me. I guess this won’t be my last post about this. Write to you soon.


YouTube generation

If I think about the title I don’t really think about people well in their thirties. I think about kids nowadays. My nephews of 5 are always asking to watch something on YouTube and a lot of teenagers you see in public transport or on TV talk about the thing or are actually watching.

I don’t meet many people my age that talk about the things they watch on YouTube. Maybe that’s because I don’t know that many people or I just ‘hang with the wrong crowd’ for YouTubers, but people I talk to always look at me like you look at a small child that tells you a story when I talk about the things I watch on YouTube and the people I like on there.

For me YouTube is a wonderful place to be. I love musicals, you can watch loads of those online. Loads of small productions that have great musicals on there. Through that I got to watch A very potter musical from Team Starkid and through that I got to watch Spies are forever from the Tin Can Brothers (TCB), through that I discovered Curt Mega Rhett and Link and so on and so on. One of my friends introduced me to other channels. I love Paint because of her and I discovered Todrick Hall because of her.

I have got a few channels I follow and love. Right now I am working my way through all Good Mythical Mornings (GMM) on YouTube. As I have mentioned before, I hate stepping into something halfway. One day Brian of TCB mentioned GMM, that triggered me to go and watch. I love the show! As you have been able to read earlier I love Hillywood as well not to forget Curt Mega.

All of them publish things online I love. I can spend hours on there. Not just going through series on Netflix, but also wanting to see so many things on YouTube takes a lot of time. I know it is probably even too much time, but I have to admit, I am addicted. Not just a bit, but a lot. When I am at work I think about the fact that I should have time to watch 3 episodes of GMM before my partner comes home in the evening or one episode of  a series I am watching at that Time. My thoughts go to dividing enough time between Netflix and YouTube in order for Netflix not sitting there idle since we have to pay for it.

So that’s it I have just confessed I am addicted. Maybe that’s a good thing, the confessing I mean, but what about the addiction itself? What am I going to do about that? I guess nothing. I don’t mind. My partner doesn’t seem to mind too much. As long as life is still going on I think I will be content and go on with watching those two channels.

The thing I love about the YouTubers I follow is the fact that they make things happen for themselves. If they imagine something they will not wait for someone to give them an opportunity to make it come through, they make it work. They ask us to help, and why not. TCB said it as it is. You get to see it on YouTube. Why not help pay for it.. you’d pay for a movie to go see it after it is made. If you love the things the YouTubers make, help pay for it beforehand…. I know, not all of us have that kind of money. I don’t have it either. Not to help everyone I love, but sometimes with some projects I will help pay If I have the money to do so :D.

This is one of the reasons I was so enthusiastic about Supernatural 2 by Hillywood. That and the fact that what they create is just fantastic. Another thing I have been looking forward to (and invested money in because I could at that time) is the Wayward guide by TCB. Can’t wait for it to be ready, but creating things takes time, so I’ll just have to wait patiently for them to get there.

I’m gonna leave it at that for now. Closing this blog with links to the YouTube channels of the people I love to follow. If you love musicals you should seriously go see Spies are forever. I’ll put in a link to that playlist as well.


Ups and downs

A while ago a friend of mine shared a picture telling me she would love to do the depicted (no sexual pun intended). It was a picture of a notebook. Someone created a very colourful page that stated: a year in color (I type what I see). Underneath a diagram a seen above. It has all the months in a year and the days of that month.
The colours on the side of it stand for how the day has been. From top to bottom:
Purple = amazing
Dark blue = great day
Light blue = good day
Yellow = eh
Orange = bad day
red = worst day ever

I loved the idea, so I asked my friend if we could start one at the same time. Enthusiasm. I recreated this wonderful idea of someone I don’t know in an Excel sheet and send an empty copy to her. We are both filling one out at the moment. As you can see we started last month.
Yes this is actually a print screen of my recreation.

About two weeks ago this friend and I were talking. Her diagram has loads of colour. Her days vary much more than mine. We were talking about that. How can my diagram be so “stable”.
I’ll tell you why…..

If you have read my posts you might get that even though I grew up in a great home, I was not always a happy kid. At times I felt like a burden to everyone, not happy that I existed an wondering if I should. There is a whole lot I could tell you about it, but I won’t because it is something I have dealt with. Not that it was easy, but I did it. I came out on top. There are a whole lot of people that aren’t so lucky. This bit of background is important, why?

I am prone to depression. One way to deal with those is by taking medicine. I don’t want that, because it may be a great help, but there are downsides as well. Since I am not that depressed that I need them no matter wat I think I do without. Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have to be on guard for negative feelings at all times. I can NEVER let that guard down, if I do it could be disastrous. It happened at one time….. let’s just say it was a good thing I didn’t have any sharp objects at hand or anything else that could help me step out at that moment.

If I am on guard things are OK. I don’t like psychiatrist or psychologists most of the time, because to me they sound too much like a self-help tape recorded by someone who just knows stuff through observing instead of really knowing, but there has been this diamond between the pebbles at times that truly where able to help me. They helped me observe the path my mind takes and they helped me find ways to block the path it wants to take if negative feelings occur. I can steer my mind the right way, but it takes effort and time.

What you see above is the result of being able to fight the depressions. My mind does the same as the medicine do. It numbs things out, sort of. Most days end up being good days, because things balance each other out. I will always try to be overly positive about things. Look for the bright sides. Now believe me, just telling myself things are positive does not work, I had to work on feeling that. But I learned how to and now the looking on the bright side helps me to keep my day good. There is the occasion that no matter how bright I might want sides to look, nothing helps, but at least I have not had a worst day ever yet. On the other hand, because of keeping everything in check I don’t think it will be easy to score amazing days. I don’t mind though. I am happy I can say most days are good. That is a huge improvement on when I was younger. Back then there would have been loads of worst days ever. At least now I know that a purple day is truly purple.

I am very curious to see what the rest of the year will do. Tell you what. I’ll post a picture of it when June 2019 is done. You can see for yourself how 2018/2019 has been for me.
I would like to thank my friend for sharing the picture with me, because it is very helpful to find out these kinds of things about yourself.
And thank you to the original creator. I don’t know who you are, but this is a super idea!


P.S. Even though I was truly unhappy loads of times, in hindsight I have been happy loads of times as well. The dark was just much stronger than the light. I learned to turn that around.


So way back in 2007 I wrote a story. I swear to you that I didn’t have a clue as to what was going to happen. Every time my pen hit the paper (yes you are reading it correctly, pen and paper, no typing) I was as curious as to what was going to happen as anyone else can be when first reading this. So in my last post I opted that this might be the post for today and guess what. In advance sorry for the long post, but I hope you enjoy the story.


It is Sunday, but the day doesn’t do its name justice. It was rainy outside, many people will be gloomy because of this weather.

I am still in bed. The warmth is comforting and I don’t really want to wake up yet. I open my eyes slowly and put on my glasses. I am immediately aware something is wrong. This is not my room. My room is small and messy, because I try to get as much as I can into it, but don’t put things back where they belong after I use them. This room on the other hand…. Wow. It is as big as a ballroom and the bed I am in is right in the middle against the long wall.

It isn’t just any bed I see. It is a four-poster like the ones I only know from fairy tales. I would put a princess in this bed, not me. To my left there is a mirror desk against the short wall. From the bed I can make out there is a lot of stuff on it. I really want to check things out, but I am a bit afraid. To my right there are double doors in the short wall. A while away from it there are three luxurious cushions to sit on.

Right across of me there are also double doors. Where would those doors lead to for havens sake?

The whole room has an aubergine/crème colour-scheme. I find it very tasteful, exactly like I would have done it. I wonder how I got here though, and where the heck is here!

I get pulled from my thought by a knock on the door. What should I do? After all, I don’t belong here, even though it feels familiar for some reason. I also don’t know who is knocking, for all I know it could be a creepy figure with ill intent. Yet I hesitate, because I would like to meet a friendly person…

Before I know what I want the door opens and a beautiful lady walks in. She has beautiful dark hair, beautifully done-up, through which her face is clearly visible. Her eyes radiate pure love and her presence seems to envelop me in a blanket of serenity. All cares and all questions fall away from me. I know things are right. I see the woman is speaking to me, but  I can’t hear the words. This bothers me, but the moment I feel bothered the feeling ebbs away to be replaced by warmth. I don’t have a clue as to where this warmth is coming from, but it is not important to me. Weird.

The woman has walked to the other doors and gestures me to follow her, something I do without thinking. As soon as I join her she opens the doors. To my surprise I see it is an enormous wardrobe. In the back of it is a mirror in which I see myself. What a beautiful gown I am wearing. It is shining like silk and a soft blue. All edges have slight lacework, not unpleasant. I look down to see if I am actually wearing it. Yes I am… this is as weird as everything else, so why am I staying this calm? Am I dreaming? That has to be the answer. It is a beautiful dream, so I decide to go with it.

I look at the woman. Without speech, but with gestures she lets me know I can change clothes and closes the doors while leaving the room. I decide to take a look at the clothing available and to my joy I discover that everything in there is completely to my taste. There is so much to choose from, yet choosing isn’t hard because in the middle of the room is a stool with such a fine set of clothes I am sold immediately. Black jeans with rhinestones around the pockets and at the bottom of the tapered legs. On top I would wear a pale pink blouse without print or anything. The shoes a black leather. Elegant round noses and a light garland crossing it from the outside at the nose to the inside of the ankle. As soon as I am done, the woman opens the door again and gestures me to follow her. She walks to the other end of the room. As I am following I realise the only thing obvious about her is her head. The rest of here is a haze, jet I feel like I am dealing with a slim, elegant woman. I have the feeling I know her, but before I build up the courage to ask her about it she turns around. She gestures to some jewellery.

To my surprise there are thing here that belong to my personal favourites. My own wristwatch, the two rings I always wear (one for friendship and one for the family ties it has to my mother and through it to my grandma), the necklace two friends and I had made after school to symbolize our bond, the silver earrings my sister in law and her husband had given me for my birthday and the bracelet my boyfriend had given me, but which I had lost a while back. I put on the jewellery, thankful for the fact they are the ones in my jewellery case that are most dear to me.

The woman walks to the doors that are straight across the bed. I follow her. We end up in a huge hall. The only thing in it is a marvellous fountain in the middle. A huge, round, white room that would feel cold if it wouldn’t be for the fountain. The fountain however is an impression of nature, with beautiful landscapes chipped out of stone together with the splatter of water gives the room warmth and tranquillity. The whole wall is covered with white doors, but it isn’t obvious where the exit is. As soon as I look at the woman I know she is inviting me to take a look behind every door, starting on the left. She does not have to speak, I feel her intentions, and she feels mine, because before I say one word she seems to understand my thoughts.

I walk to the first door and open it. Strangely I enter some sort of café. I walk away from the door a bit. Inside there is a cosy crowd. Amidst the hustle a little girl wanders. She feels familiar, just like this place, even though I have never been here. I am so focused on the child I only notice the woman that walked toward her when she lifted her up. I know this woman to! At that pint the recognitions goes further than before. The woman standing there is my mum, I am sure of it. This knowing is strengthened when I see my dad appearing behind the counter. They are much younger, but still clearly recognisable. At once the question arises: who is the little girl, but I instinctively know the answer. It is me. The warmth I receive from my parents is overwhelming. I notice they receive double the warmth they are giving to everyone. I slowly move back to the door. This place feels terrific, but I have seen what I have to see. The next room awaits me.

The woman that has guided me up to now is nowhere to be seen. I regret that, but I know she will be there if I need her. Behind the next door I find a huge living room. It does not have one style, but is a combination of a lounge/bar/living room. In this room my whole family has collected. I don’t know everyone, yet I instinctively know the family ties. This room gives me the feeling of power, as if I build a foundation that will hold the heaviest building because of this family. The foundation has this strength because of the fact that the flaws are clearly visible, but they are accommodated by the strong points. This room has also showed me what I needed to see. My foundation is a good one.

I hesitate at the next door. I don’t know why but this room doesn’t feel right. At that moment a feel a hand on my shoulder. The tranquillity I felt before returns completely. When I turn around I see my guide standing there. Strengthened by her presence I open the door and go in. The woman does not follow me and I realise I have to process the information behind the doors on my own. I walk further in, but after a few steps a feeling of desolation washes over me in such a way I can’t move anymore. Despite of the feeling I can get myself to look around me. I am in a movie theatre, but is completely empty. I desperately wanted to walk away, but I know this emptiness is not the message. It is this empty because I will need this much room to process. I decide to sit down while I await what will happen. After a couple of minutes a movie starts. I am in the lead. I don’t like seeing this movie, because it consists of all horrible moments of my live. The fights I’ve had with friends, parents and other family members, the moments I felt hopeless and the moments I simply did not want to exist.  I actually don’t want to finish watching this movie, but I can’t get up, I have to watch. Tears stream down, but I can’t stop. It is like all the pain I locked inside for all these years because I did not want to feel are bursting out of my body right now. At the end of the movie I need least an hour to calm down. I wonder why I had to see these things, like I often wondered why I had to live through it. Slowly an answer is starting to form. I needed to see it to be able to give the things that happened a place the can exist without hurting me. That is what has happened, because the desolation I felt when I entered was gone and replace by relieve.

I also realise I have had more friends than I could remember. Because of all the bad memories from that time, the good memories had been driven to the background. Yet every bad thing that happened in my life has brought something good I realise. I’ve learned something from every situation that helped me in new situations. It has made me stronger as a person. I realise the clear feeling that I am done here, so I start my journey to the next room.

While I leave the movie theatre I see my guide on the other side of the room. I see her smile clearly and feel she is proud of me. With a lighter heart I walk to the next door, but once there I realise here is a lesson to be learned with unpleasant things as well. Because I know the results will be good I manage to build up the courage to enter the room

After a few steps the feeling of happiness leaves me here as well, only this time it is replaced by fear. I don’t need a movie theatre, because al fears flash in jumbled images before me. My fear to lose my family, my fear to lose my boyfriend of the possibility to do the things I love to do. Yet I find my biggest fear is to lose my boyfriend. Why? Are all things inferior or what? No they are not, but my relationship fills up most of my life at the moment. The rest isn’t less important because of it, I am just not as aware  of it. Because of the fact my relationship takes up the biggest part of my life, it is only natural my biggest fear lies there as well. That and I know everything else longer. The relationship brings a lot of new things, through which new fears can grow. I am glad I realise this, because I know I don’t have to be afraid because of it. Fear isn’t a bad thing though because fear helped me handle some situations with more care, which is why things worked out. The feeling of fear is replaced by serenity. This room as also been able to teach me a lesson.

How many rooms will follow? I hope I don’t wake up, because I want to experience this dream until the end. While I leave the room I look around the hall. Empty. The fountain is happily gurgling and I notice that it is more colourful every time I leave a room. Next door it is.

Insecure about what it is I will find I reach for the handle. My feeling stays positive, that gives me courage. In seeing the room behind the door my jaw drops in awe. Unbelievable! From the hall I step straight into the forest. I look around me in amazement. No walls in site, just the door I just walked though, other than that just everything is green. Even the sounds are that of nature. I decide to walk on and after a few minutes I even find a pond with ducks swimming delightfully in it. Everything I have seen until now falls into place, gives me room for overview. Will this be the last door? Yes, I am sure of it. There are no more doors to go through for now. The doors I have went through have wrapped up my life to this point short and sweet and here at this place I see the complete picture. The warmth my family gave me, gave me the strength I needed when I had to learn through unpleasant happenings. These happenings in turn helped me crate fears that helped some situations work out because I handled with more caution than I would have used otherwise. Al these things eventually brought me to where I am now.

Even though I don’t always feel happy, those moments of happiness are worth more than anything. I find I have a strong longing for my boyfriend right now, I want to share this feeling of happiness with him so badly.

All of a sudden my guide is there. “Do you see it wasn’t as bad as you thought after all? You opened up past the first impressions and found you know happiness in all the love around you. I knew you could do it and am proud of you.”

I can’t believe it, my guide speaks! I understand her words, like we hear each other in our daily lives! She is smiling because she knows what I am thinking. I want to know who she is, but am afraid to ask. She tells me I know the answer and I know perfectly well this wasn’t a dream either, but an answer to the question on what to do with myself. I have an answer for both questions, because she is right. I know she is my grandma and I know I just need to go on with my live to spread and share my happiness, like I learned from my parents. The warmth I felt every time is love and thanks to this experience I have returned to the basis. Grandma hugs me. I close my eyes in the hopes this moment may last forever. She whispers in my ear: “Tell you mother everything is ok, I don’t blame her for anything and will always love her. You know I will be with you when you need me, you are never alone.” I feel wonderful, like I am floating. When I open my eyes carefully, because I want to see my grandma one more time, she has disappeared. If I look besides me, my boyfriend is lying there. A wave of warmth goes through my body and I decide to cuddle up against him for a while, after all you have to enjoy every wonderful moment.


That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I find it refreshing to ‘read’ it again. My once in a lifetime experience, shared here in public, in hopes it might help you as it helped me.



Weighing words

When I started this blog I said it would be sort of my diary. In a way it is. I share rather personal things through my blog, without too much hesitation, because it is an anonymous blog. Sure, my family and friends know it is me and if you stumble upon it without knowing I think you will know it is me without me telling you if you know me in real life, but it is still easier to write when it feels anonymous.

That said, I know I can’t or won’t put just anything in my blog. I try to think about my words before I put them online. Not the spelling as you might have noticed, but the meaning of the words. Why? Because using internet is a bit like having superpowers. With great powers comes great responsibility. You have to think about what you put online, because it can influence lives in ways you hadn’t thought about.

If I had a bad day and people ruffled my feathers I don’t go online to chew them out. For one, they might stumble upon my blog and recognise themselves, confronting me with the fact I put it online, but did not confront them in person about it (because I hate conflict, I leave people be rather than confront them). Then there is the fact that internet can break people if you are not careful. The mind can be a fragile thing, so try not to hurt people if you don’t have to. A compliment and a curse are just as easily given, but the curse will do loads more damage than the compliment can ‘fix’, if it can fix anything at all.

Way back when Hyves was still a thing I posted a blog once. I felt a bit down, just a bit, not too much. The one thing I keep forgetting is that my mind is sort of a shaded place. Nothing I can’t handle. I know the shades and how to manoeuvre around them to be ok. But I forget that other people might not get that. So I posted a blog about my bad day, just to ‘air out’ some feelings. It did not take long for my friends and family to start sending me messages asking if I was ok. Did I need someone to come by and talk to, did I need a hug. They read something that stated I was done with everything. For them the post was dark enough to worry about me taking my own life.

I’ll be honest, I have been on that point in my life more than once. This was not one of those times. The thing is, my mind is a wonderful place to me, but there are shades I have to watch out for. People reading this didn’t see shades, they saw  night. I learned to weigh my words better that day, because I had people worried while nothing that bad had happened. Every blog I write I try to think about the impact it might have on people. No that’s not true. I try to think about not having a bad impact on people. I don’t think about it having a good one.

See, that is one of those things, I concentrate on the negative, but at the end that is a positive thing, because I just don’t want to hurt or worry people. Don’t think about me no posting important negative feelings. I will deal with those in appropriate ways. I will take care of my mental health, but it will not be the thing I want to post about. Not because of you, but some things I am better at handling alone.

Why this post if that’s my take on it? Well last night (it was past midnight) I read a post of someone I haven’t met in real life. I ‘met’ this person online in a slack group. I don’t know any of those people in real life and I have not been in this group for long, but it feels like a warm group of people. One of them mentioned working on a blog post and I immediately felt like I would want to read it, so I asked if I could. I got a link to the blogsite and started reading the minute I came home from the movies with friends. The blog touched me in a good way. Here was a person that has been though a lot with so much positive energy coming from the posts it made me feel warmth. Loads of it. There is this one post I will definitely go back to whenever the shadows in my mind will be too much for me, because I feel like it will always bring light to those shades and help me defeat them.

This blogger started another idea in my head as well. ‘Way back’ in 2007 I wrote a story. I shared it with friends of mine, but I think it is time for me to share it with another audience. Maybe it is taking a risk of someone else taking liberties with my work, but I don’t want to think that way. I will trust in people to use source reference and giving respect to the author of a piece if they talk/write about things. I will entrust my story to the internet. So be warned, the next post that will come online will be a long one. It is an experience I had. Maybe it was I dream I remembered when writing, maybe it was something else, but know that it is actually about me. Not something fictional, but my life, my feelings, my story. I hope it might inspire people, who knows. I’ll have to translate it first, so I don’t know when I will post it. Could be Thursday, since that is my normal day for posting.

Let me finish this blog by thanking AMindOfSorts for the warmth I got from reading your posts. May your future be a bright one, with lots of love and friendship.


P.S Go to the blog and find out for yourself


A day late

Last week has been an interesting one. I had a job interview yesterday. That’s why there was no blog when it was supposed to be posted.

You see, this interview took place about an hour and a half from my house. The woman I talked to has a business that helps people regarding the funerals of their loved ones. She is starting to branch out of her region, so she is looking for people who can work for her when the spreading happens. In other words, I had a job interview that does not bring me anything in the near future, but it is a start in getting into the field I really want to work.

I went in, knowing she hasn’t got places to work with in my region yet, so I thought, half an hour tops. She wants to get to know me a bit, but nothing concrete jet.I’ve been in there for about four hours!!!! The thing is, I was supposed to visit family afterward before going home. That had to be cut short because of the long talk.On the other hand, it feels positive the talk lasted this long, because it was one that felt relaxed, like friends meeting.

I hope good things come from it, but the interview, family visit and other things around the house that had to be done made me forget about writing a post. Sorry *shame*.

Well, here it is anyway :D. Today will be a good day, because I am going to enjoy dinner in the company of a very good friend and today we are watching…….. SUPERNATURAL PARODY 2 by Hilly and Hannah. It came out yesterday and we are going to watch it together and record our reaction :D. I am soooooooo looking forward to watching it. It was hard not to watch it yet, but time is there!.

If you have never watched something of The Hillywood Show, you should, you are missing out!Please go to YouTube and look at their awesome work. It is mind blowing. Can’t wait to see it, but I’ll have to. In about 15 minutes my friend will pick me up, we’ll go shopping for dinner and then we can watch. My sister already told me the second one is even better then the first one :D. She send me the link, so I’ll type it up for you, hoping it will get you to the video. . Let me know what you think about it will you!!!

I’ll end this blog now, even though it is a bit short. Write to you soon.

Follow-up, actually saw supernatural parody. It is awsome!!!!!!!!


dream diary?

Ok, this time I started in reverse. Normally it’s not a problem to start in English, but I dreamt again, last night, this dream was so strange I started typing in my native language to be able to type as fast as I can in order to recollect as many details as possible. I think I a m ready for a room with padded walls and a nice white coat that closes on the back and has nice long sleeves. At the end I would like to hear if you agree or not. Here I go:

When I just left school I found a job as receptionist at a notary. In this dream a former colleague came to me. Yes you read it correctly. A former colleague. Not the notary I worked for back then, but a former colleague. I don’t think there will be any confusion about that for anyone, after all I mentioned who came to me three times by now. Ok. We started a conversation. Long and boring part short…. would I be interested to work for the notary again. Yes please! We send and old fashioned text message to my former colleagues containing the teasing question: “I will be your new team member…. Who am I”. No pictures, no group chat. This was old fashioned, like it was on my first phone, which is strange, because that phone was replaced by a smartphone a long time ago. No-one would know I send the message, unless they would have stored my number. The idea was no-one would have. Even though my message was old fashioned I got one back that contained a picture…. send by my sister? When did she start working for the notary. Not really a question I was going to ask at night, so in my dream it is totally normal for her to send this text. It’s not weird that all of a sudden I have a phone that has the capability to receive a picture with a text either. It is a picture of a ‘present’ I had given to her a long time ago which contained my name. It was some sort of notebook with stickers to put in it. A present you would give to a little girl rather than a grown-up. I had written something in it back then and signed it with my name. She was sure it was me. ( “Duh, caller-ID” I think wile typing this.) My text was send in the afternoon, the text of my sister came that evening and the next day I started work at my ‘old’ job.

Small side note. I don’t work there anymore because of the financial crisis that happened back then and there was less work to be done. He had to let people go, which is a whole other story I am not going to tell right now. The only important thing to know is that this company had to run on a minimum amount of employees for a while. Back to my dream.

This building did not look like the one I knew. It was big, lots of hallways, lots of rooms and on every wall where these huge letters spelling out which services the company offered. The building felt like a hospital. Only here no patients got cured, here services got provided. The ceilings were high, there were a lot of glass walls and the ones that were not made of glass where white. De words that hung on those walls were a light brown. They almost seemed to be made of coffee. I walked through the hallways for quite some time and ended up in an open space. It reminded me of a school cafeteria, no chairs and tables, but a lot of people talking to each other in small groups. At that moment I got another text from an old colleague, who was sure I was the one coming back as well. The colleague that had come to take me back was standing right next to me when I received it so I was told we were going to give a price to the sender of this text, because he/she was the first one with the correct answer. The colleague had already been told he won and I was struggling with myself because I really had to tell them that the winner was my sister, who was not my sister in my dream?. If I didn’t say something right know I would have to tell my sister she didn’t win because I wat too afraid to talk. A prospect that scared me as well.

Complete transformation in my dream world.
All of a sudden I am standing in front of a building together with my colleagues, but not with my sister. It is a low building, no storeys, square and a mild yellow colour. It is not too big and reminds me of our old community centre (only without other storeys). All colleagues were dressed in weird getups. Clown wigs, without the complementary make-up, were on top of some heads. One of them is dressed as an ‘elderly’, but most of all ‘funny’ costumes. I have no idea what they are supposed to be, but those are obviously characters they assume for work. One of them comes from the building with a few clothes, something I seem to think is normal. The clothes are hers, I can try them out to see what my work attire will be. It is mostly green around us. Trees, bushes, stuff like that. Not a person or building other than the one already mentioned in sight. There is a pick-up truck however, we were standing around it when the colleague came from the building. The car was a mild yellow, the hood and wheel covers a coffee colour. (hmmm, recurring colours?) I undress in front of everyone, standing in my briefs. Not all of them seem to feel comfortable with this, something that strikes me as strange. I get a thick pyjama kind of suit. The thing is a mustard colour and has a print of hotdogs ( I think, at least it has a print, but I really think they were hotdogs. And again brown/yellow?) They gave me a weird sort of scarf made of some kind of aluminium foil. The thing was blue and white and I could wear it around my neck or wave around with it. With the outfit apparently came a song: “From front, to back, From left, to right”. A song I should know the lyrics to, but the lyrics in my dream don’t match the ones I know. My character is a party animal, so that is what I will portrait when I start work.
I still don’t have a clue what it is I will be doing in my dream. I look ridiculous, as do my colleague, but in a strange way everything feels completely logical to me. Of course this is how thing have to be.

Ok, we are going to work.  We pass between two trees and arrive in the streets of…. A zoo? An amusement park? Still no clue where I work, but there are a lot of people walking in these streets and we are going to entertain them. I think I remember there were animals people could go and see, that is why I chose for mentioned options to wonder in which streets we were walking. There were a few houses, almost like a district with just five houses or something where build. Other than that it was an open space, and jet I manage to get surprised while walking around a corner, because apparently my colleagues are giving away a show and I join them quickly. Literally, because they formed a line and are holding hands, so I quickly get to the back of the row.

At some point the surroundings change while I am working. We are no longer in the streets, but on some sort of ginormous cruise ship. In the background there are huge flats made of dark red bricks. I am standing with my back turned to the bow of the ship and all of a sudden two strange things come from the air on the right hand side.
I am not good at drawing, too bad, but wat you see above this blog is the closest I can get to the ting that I still see in my head. A miniature flat? I wish I would be better at shadows and stuff.
The thing had three ‘legs’ and the middle part towers above those. The legs are equally divided underneath this middle part. It reminds me of Tetris blocks, 3d an weirdly grown together to make this tripod figuration. The two things land on deck and the top of them start to retract like a telescope (something I tried to draw as well).

My gut tells me this is not something good. Danger!!! Hide!!! On the other hand I am curious, so I keep glancing at it. Not to smart, because no I don’t have time to hide. In all of this I am still with those colleagues in strange costumes. I have no idea who or what came out of those tripod flats/Tetris blocks, but they turn out not to be friendly indeed. All of a sudden people die like flies in my dreams. Someone gets thrown over the railing here, someone gets turned into ashes by a heat ray there.

We go forward in time (what have I been doing in this time, I just saw those things land and all of a sudden they have been here for several months or years?) Everyone is afraid of the inhabitants of the tripods. If you’re not careful you are next in line to die and the technique of choosing is quite random.

At that moment a siren wails. All children start running, because apparently it is “kill the first kid you get your hands on” day. Al “tripod gods” get to kill a kid so that is what happens, gruesomely. I dreamt this part in detail as well, but I am not going to write that down. The fear I felt was intense. So was the fear. How dare the kill these kids like this! I want to ‘help’ but am to afraid. I feel like a coward. So many people are dying every time, but none of us act on it, because we are scared to die as well and glad we are still alive. I have to do something, it does not matter was.

At this point I wake up, realising I just had a VERY strange dream and keeping as still as I can. “I need to remember! Shall I get up an write it down? No I will stay here just a while longer, I can write my dream down in a minute”. I fell asleep again. When I woke up again I was still aware of the bizarre dream. Some fog was already surrounding it, so I got up and started typing. Ooh, the things that come from the sky, I can’t forget those, quick draw them, go on typing. Put as much detail as you can on paper.

So I did. At first I typed up the skeleton of the dream and after that I went back to the beginning to adjust the text, to get as many details in as I could. Trust me, nothing has been added by me. It was truly another dream. I have no clue as to how my head thinks up these crazy scenes. I do know I have been having a lot of vivid dreams again lately. Ah well, I can share those with you then. How many are there up to this point? Three? Four? I don’t feel like going through my old blogs to find out, but here you are. I am curious about your thoughts regarding this dream. I am starting to get the impression my ‘diary’ is turning into a ‘dream diary’. Sorry for the long post.



Dreaming again

Summer has decided to stay it seems, I’m happy about it, even though it is hot out. Better hot than cold and rainy, although that can be nice and pretty as well. I prefer warmth. Vacation for me is not finding a mountain full of snow and sliding down the thing. I prefer sightseeing old stuff alternated with being at/in a pool and the sun keeping me company throughout the day. In other words, I feel like I have a vacation at home except for the pool. And the fact that someone else has cooked dinner. And the fact that the rooms get cleaned without my lifting a finger. And just going to breakfast instead of making it. And not working, but sightseeing.
Ok, so it is not a vacation at home, it is just vacation weather.  I am happy nonetheless.

So not much is happening because of this weather. I don’t do anything unless it needs to be done. But I found that I’ve had such vivid dreams these last few days it is crazy. When I get up in the morning they linger, I actually remember the dreams. If I would have been smart I’d have a dream diary as well, but I don’t so I am sorry, because most of these dreams slip away after an hour or so of being awake. I remember something afterward, but most of it is gone. I do remember that most of them involve treasure hunts or being chased by bad people, so all in all a whole lot of physical exercise is happening during the night. Too bad it does not show when I wake up. That would be great!

One dream I kind of remember, but day by day it slips a little bit further away from me. It involved a house or rather small castle of some kind. It was beautiful, not to big, in the middle of nowhere by a lake. I had been in love with this place for a while and somehow it was for sale now. My partner and I had bought the place and some-one gave us a tour through our new place. The main hall almost looked like a hall at the airport. Loads of windows, two stories up, but no floor in the middle. If you looked up you actually saw the floor above. It had a metal ladder like a fire escape to get up. Wait, I just figured that fire escapes don’t look the same in every country. It was sort of a metal spiral staircase where the steps have these holes in them like a cheese grate. I hope that helps a little. If you went up the stairs you had these nice little spaces that almost felt like a windowsill. Those things you can sit in and feel cosy. Behind that hall there was this space that had the feel of a loft, where the living room and kitchen and so would be. Now don’t ask me why, but the other rooms of the place where in a separate building. That thing had more of a medieval feel. Small rooms with stone walls, wooden doors and wooden beds. Those beds you see in movies when people go to jail and there is a “plank” held up by two chains in the wall.

There was a third building that was part of the purchase, and this building was something that concerned me. I was rethinking the buy because of it. It was kind of a church/monastery sort of building. It had this room meant for prayers that was sooooo beautiful, with tapestries on the walls and candles. The room just gave of such serenity! There where gardens with that and people were getting tours through the thing. The guide told about all the violent deaths that had occurred on these grounds before they build al the structures that where now there, so the place had ghosts. You actually saw the wandering around the garden an church halls! They were not the Harry Potter kind, but luckily for us, they weren’t vengeful either. Still, it made me reconsider the buy. My partner on the other hand was completely sold at this time, where at the beginning of the dream I was the one to say this was perfect and he was the one to tell me maybe it was not our best decision, now I told him maybe he was right after all, but he was already decorating the thing in his mind. No our old couch would have to go, we would buy a new one. And the walls were going to be painted in a very special style that does not exist in real life to my knowledge, that involved coins. Don’t ask me how that would have worked or looked, but my partner knew for sure that was what he wanted.

Now because he was so sure I knew we would have to stay here, ghosts or no ghosts, so I’d better make the best of it. This insane idea occurred to me just before I started waking up. I decided that the medieval building would become my workplace, where I would take care of people that knew there was only a short time left to live because of the illnesses they had. I would be the one to take care of them until they would die and make sure they were taken care of correctly before the funeral, so I would use the course I have taken and told you about in other blogs.

This is one crazy dream. For one thing I don’t have a medical degree, so how in the world would I take care of people that are dying and need medical attention. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up and I still think the thing is crazy, but hey, you make up your mind on that. I would love to hear your ideas on how to analyse the thing.



30+ ℃

So first of all, I am sorry. What for this time? For the blogs I delivered the past three weeks.
I was reading them back, translating directly to my mum and noticed a LOT of mistakes, worst of all ass instead of as. Oops. I discover to many mistakes when I am reading them back for soundcloud as well, so I think I will see if I can find some time to go over all my old post to correct them. Other than that I hope I will do better in the future, but no promises, because to be honest I write directly what I think and I don’t take the time to read it back properly. So sorry in advance as well.

So let’s start properly. The title. There is a heatwave going on. Ironically I recorded the blogpost for soundcloud for today in which I state that we will never have a proper summer again as a way for the seasons to tell us we are screwing up the earth. Well, maybe we corrected ourselves, but I doubt it. Maybe global warming is finally through waiting and blasting us with all the heat it’s got.

I can’t for the life of me remember it ever being this hot, but I don’t want to complain either, because it has been a long time since we had a proper summer, and that part I do love. I just hope it will cool of a bit, because the heat is intense. I have never had this much trouble with heat in my life. If I don’t have to work I will not do much else, except sit in front of the ventilator. That makes this a great time for watching shows and listening to podcasts (don’t forget to listen to the latest one of Story Matters!). All in all, I am happy summer has finally come around. I love the sun, even if it is hot as hell.

Now, I am not a person that can do nothing, so even if I listen to something or watch a show, I will be keeping my hands busy. Right now I am working on gloves.
Well, I will be too late if I start when I actually need them, and I am sitting here anyway, so why not? I am going to make a couple of pairs in different colours so I can change things up if winter decides to come along again (although I hope he will take his sweet time to come back).

It actually started because I crocheted a knights helmet for my nephews. An adult I know asked me to make one for her as well, because the visor comes down and will protect her face when she is out in the cold. I got the wool for this from her about a month and a half ago and started making this thing. At the end I had some wool left, and since I was not the one that had paid for it I decided to use it to make something else she could use in the winter. I came across fingerless gloves, because crocheting fingers is hard. I made her a pair and liked them.

The wool I used for her was bulky, but there is a design for finer wool as well, so I decided to make those for myself. The difference between the patterns is that the fine pattern has an actual thumb piece, where the bulky one just had an opening to put you thumb through. The bulky one had been easy enough to follow, the fine one became more difficult at the thumb part. You see, people who make patterns  think that a photo of the stage they are at is good enough to see where you should be at if you follow the pattern, but some people, me included, find it easier to do something they saw. So I after taking the whole thing out and starting over I looked in the comments to see if there would be a YouTube video, so I could see wat to do with the thumb. Several people had asked for it already. The answer was always the same: “there is no video and I am not going to make one either. The pictures you see here should be enough, figure it out for yourself or stick with the easier stuff” It wasn’t put like that, but that was the thing I read while reading the no there isn’t, you should be able to figure it out with the pictures. As you can see in the picture I have succeeded after trial and error, but I would have really liked it if there would have been a YouTube link, because I like to see wat I need to do. Ah well, you can’t have everything.



I am late!

And no, not like I am pregnant, more like I feel like the white rabbit of Alice in Wonderland right now. I need to leave home in about twenty minutes to go to work and I realised….
I did not write anything for my blog yesterday!!!!! I am late!!!! The next thing I thought was, do it tonight, but that’s no good, because I’ve got plans, so I’ll forget again.
Hell the reason I forgot in the first place was because I put it off yesterday, so…. I hope I can do this thing in a short amount of time and be happy with it. Maybe there are a bit more errors than you are used to, because normally I translate wat I wrote back to my own language for my mom, so she can have an update as well. Her English is not to strong, she is insecure about it, so I translate. A nice check for me. Not a secure check, because since I started putting these on soundcloud I come along a couple of mistakes, but… good enough I guess.
Luckily there are some things I know I can write about here right now, so the writing should not take too long 😀

Ok here I go, first subject carebears. I thought about them on my way to Rome and was wondering if I am the only adult that has this on their mind when seeing clouds. Whenever I see a nice big group of clouds I think about the carebears, because they lived on the clouds. So when going to Rome when we flew…… There was this nice big cloud and when you fly you are not just underneath. On earth you would not be able to see their home, but in the air, above the clouds…. I know it is not real, but hé a girl can dream right? So when above these beautiful clouds I thought about carebears and how I loved those things. Wouldn’t it be nice to see them on the clouds, just to know children around the world will have a little friend to help them if they need it.

Second subject. So not related to the first. I just wanted to share that with you but thought of it after the post I did last week. Second thing is that I started writing. Started…. I can’t promise I will finish. A friend of mine started writing a story just for her and her husband (sort of) and she asked me why I don’t write. My answer was that I do write, pointing out this blog. That was not wat she meant. She told me she loves the way I write and would like to read something else than just my blog. So I started writing…. So far I am in my second chapter of a story. I don’t know how long it will be, but it is fun to write again. Why again?

I had a story in my mind that I wanted to write since I was about 13 I guess. My favourite subject in school was writing stories. I never took the time to really do it though. Then at about 19 I started writing the thing down. After a couple of pages I lost interest and let it be.
A vacation came by, I wrote when I was at the pool, the story I had in my mind was still there, but it got a different starting point, it turned into a story in a story. We came back home. Interest was gone again.

Now years later I picked it up again, and behold… it is becoming a story in a story in a story. I want to stick with it this time though, but it is difficult to take the time and write. I need to push myself to work at it. I don’t know what will work though. Every week half a day or every day half an hour. Will I find my rhythm? Will I finish my story this time? I will keep you posted. And don’t ask me to write the story down here, because I am not writing it in English 😉


Aftermath of Rome

I am back home. There is no place like it. I have had a great time in Rome, but it was good to sleep in my own bed again. You have been able to read a bit of it last week, and this week you will get the conclusion of it.

Let’s start with something that came back EVERY day. At every corner of every street you could find people selling baskets to tourist. A bowl that started out as a round plank of wo layers. One of these layers had a rim you could pull up and voila, you had a bowl/basket type thing. Letting it down again always made this clacking sound. Every evening while we were at the restaurant these men would come along to sell these ass well. The men in our little group started to call it ‘little clacker’, or at least that would be what they called it in English if I translate it the best I can. This happened Tuesday to start with. Wednesday the same man came along and called it little clacker when he passed our table and recognised us. On Thursday it was another man, so at our table the men said little clacker again. The man started to laugh, telling us his colleague had told him about us. Laughs all around.

The other thing you found everywhere accept at dinner luckily was a toy that looked like a pig. The people selling it had a crate with a board taped to one of the small sides. The would set that down on the other side, so it would form some kind of table. The toy would then be thrown on top of that board where it would flatten out completely, only to reform to its original shape. It made a sound that reminded me of a lamb every time they threw it down. I can’t believe they go to sleep not hearing that sound even when not throwing down these things, but maybe they don’t even hear it anymore.

You could also by a self-stick every other step you took and water. If you told the first man no, the next would still try, after all, there is a good possibility you will be wanting something from him after just two steps!

While ‘touristing’ through Rome I had several ideas of things I found funny and wanted to recollect for the blog. With no pen and paper at hand (learning curve) I forgot most of it though. Sorry.

One of the things I do remember (because I filmed the road to help myself remember, and get a good picture to use for the blog) is getting images of taxi’s trying to grab hold of people, to take them off to their lairs. Why? Because there are lanes in Rome that state “TAXI ATAC”. So obviously I see that as a warning or command maybe. Just like those fighting games: Taxi, atac!’ I know without the spellcheck of Word that you don’t write it like that, but it sounds the same in my head, so it means the same in my had. I see a Pokémon, yellow with a stripe of black and white squares along the side, ready to attack. Tell him to use “smog attack”, and he’ll turn around and use a tailpipe looking part on his body to smog things up!
Yeah I know, too much imagination.

Let’s go back to ‘touristing’. So on Thursday we have been to the Colosseum. I didn’t think too much of it before we went, but once inside it was beautiful. So well-structured and huge if you think about the fact they did not have the building tools we have. And the view! When you are inside the thing you can look into the ‘catacombs’.  The floor of the arena has been stripped of for a large part and you see the structure that lies beneath it. Wow! All the people that could have fit in there to watch a spectacle an all the things that must have happened in those ‘hallways’ underneath the floor. I can only imagine, and badly at that, because to be honest, history is not one of my strong suits.

After that we went to the basilica of St. Paul. There are actually two, one within the walls of Rome and one outside the walls of Rome. Thursday was for the one outside the walls. It was beautiful as well. I could have walked around for hours looking at all the paintwork inside. While looking up I saw all the popes where high up on the wall, in circular spots especially put there for them and only the current pope was lighted, so he stood out. I liked that detail. The dead popes in the ‘dark’ and the current one in the light.
I can’t tell you wat it is with churches. I mean, I was not brought op religious, but I love churches. Most of these buildings have such a wonderful atmosphere. And with churches I mean all kinds of religious buildings, I love to visit them because they breath peace most of the times. So did St. Pauls. Looking up at the paintwork I was in awe again.
On Friday my mother in law, my sister in law and I stumbled across the basilica of St. Paul within the walls as well. It is smaller than the other one, but beautiful none the less.
We were on our way to go shopping, since it was the last day when we came across it, and I am glad we did. The men missed this one :D.

Then time was up, we needed to catch a plane and so we did. Not much more to tell. No spectacular things happening to make a more spicy story. Not even my imagination could make anything of it, because I was ready to sleep. As said I am glad to be back home, away from loads of people, because even though I loved seeing all those beautiful things, all these people around you, in your space, take up a lot of your energy. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world though.




When in Rome…

Act like a tourist. At least that’s what I am doing, so if there are more mistakes than usual, it is because my mobile device does not have Word that has an English spelling check and the keyboard of that same device keeps sugesting words in another language as well. Now you truly get to see how bad my English spelling is, but that should only add to the fun. Another thing that comes with me being in Rome, this will be a longer post than u are used to, after all, what better time to keep a diary than this?

So, I am in Rome, but dit not want to skip the blog. Solution, see above. Now hopefully I will be able to place it, time will tell.

Rome is beautifull, the language sounds like it is sung and the sun is shining, at least up ‘till now. The yourney here was great. For the first time ever I had breackfast on a plane, included in the ticket! There was this weird lady that sat in the same row of seats as I did, but after a while two people could prove with their tickets she was in the wrong seat. Turns out her seat was on the third row, she was sitting in the fourth. She took her sweet time gathering her belongings and relocating as if there where no other people boarding!!!

I allways love that moment the plane takes off. The rumble of the engines, the thrust you feel at take off and the rollercoaster feeling to get to the right hight! After that is is like riding a train, but with better view. I remember thinking the rivers below us looked like a spiders web. Sadly I completely missed the landing because I was talking, so it startled me when the plane touched down. On the other hand that means I had a good time on the plane.

So we had arrived, Wooohooooo, Rome here we come!!!! So the first order of business is getting a ride for six to the hotel one of us in a wheelchair. We have covered travel during our stay, but the transfer moments between airport and hotel got canceled last minute. We had been walking around at the airport for a while, searching for a specific transfer company we could not find. Several people had come up to us to offer their services. One off them huried of quite suddenly and not to long after we found out why. Airport security came our way. At first I thought we where in trouble, even though we didn’t do anything wrong. He said: “only white taxi”. I felt like a spy that forgot the codeword. Luckily nu sister in law knew wat was going on. He told us to only take a white taxi, because those are legit.

Right now we are two days in, when I try to post this in the morning our third day wil start. So far we have seen the pantheon, the trevi fountain and Vatican city. The last one we did today. I found It beautifull, espacially the Saint Peter cathedral. I walked in and literally lost my breath after the second step. Right after I got the urge to cry my eyes out, no clue as to why. The feeling left me the moment I went outside, but I have taken my time inside, it was so beautifull. Literally breathtaking in my case. Next stop will be the colloseum, looking forward to that to.

Not to far from the hotel we have found a restaurant that will be our place for dinner during all of our stay. Not to expensive, good service and most important good food and drinks.

I will go on being a tourist untill Friday, such punishment being here :D. At the beginning I wrote the post would be longer, but I find I want to sleep when I enter my room, so the writing is quite compact, but I will try to remember the best bits and maybe elaborate on this in a later blog. This is it for now. Write to you later.

Love dreamer




Time for a break, I sit down, take my grapefruit and plan on enjoying this nice piece of fruit. Normally I would cut it in half and use a spoon to eat it, but since I am at work I decide to peel it and eat it like an orange. Jummie.

It has a tough peel, tougher than I am used to. Normally I can break it open using my nails, but that does not work with this one. Well, no knife at hand, so I will use my teeth, even though I really don’t like the taste.

I start Peeling it when I suddenly realize… my tongue is tingling, my lips feel like they are burning a bit…is this OK? I know I am not allergic to grapefruit. I eat those regularly.
Then why..?

I come to the realization that this could be a result of pest control substances. Is it poisonous?
Wil it kill me? I know it won’t be that drastic, but I like to be a drama queen in my head. Just like my stories before bedtime, I see a whole story unfold in my head.
It takes a while for the stuff to get into my body, the doctors can’t explain why I am dying. It takes days for them to do tests and a lot of effort to keep me alive. They did not listen to me when I told them about the thought of pest control substances, but after a few days some doctor says: “let’s take this thing she said into account to find a cure”. At that point they find out what poison is in my body and the safe my life just in time.

But seriously, how come this tingling/burning happened after I bit the peel? I’ve never had this happen before, but then again, I never bite the peel because of this bitter taste it has. If it is not poisons used to keep creepy crawlers at bay, then what is it?
My mind goes wild again. Maybe it is something made in a laboratory that was put on this grapefruit especially. Secret agent like people are keeping an eye on me now, because they want to know what the stuff put in/on this piece of fruit will do to someone. After I while I won’t need my glasses anymore, my hearing gets better, I get stronger. I become an enhanced human being and then they will recruit me to make the world a better place!

No, that won’t be it. Highly improbable. It could be a person that hates grapefruits or marketplaces that has spilled a poison on purpose, in hopes people that eat the fruit or go to the market will die and no-one will want to go to the market anymore. This is his revenge for a bat piece of fruit or for waiting in line to long or because he did not like the way one of the sales people has looked at him. Or maybe because another visitor of the market has bumped into him once without apologizing.
It could be this person normally buys grapefruits, and the poison was meant for him/her and now I ended up with the thing and die.

Or maybe it is a fact that I am developing an allergic reaction after all. I can’t eat (fresh) pineapple without my throat clamping up a bit either. Time will tel. As long as I am able to breath after eating those things, even though with less capacity than normal, I will eat them!!





I am afraid of those things… spiders. Brrr. Just the thought of them sends shivers through my spine. I have been afraid of them ever since I can remember.

My dad always told me they are more afraid of me then I am of them, but I doubt it. He saw me react to one of those big black hairy ones at one time and realised how afraid I am of those things. The monster crawled out of my jacket pocket, while it lay besides me on the armrest of the couch. As soon as I saw the thing I pushed my jacket to the ground, got as far away from it as I could and started crying. Tears of fear, I thought I had a heart attack.

Then there is this time at school. I noticed a big black blotch on the ceiling. Jep, a spider. I was the first to arrive, no-one there but me and this thing. I kept an eye on it, because these creeps are fast. Obviously when my classmates arrived they saw me looking at the ceiling and boys will be boys, they started to throw stuff at it to get it down from the ceiling. It was one of those ceilings with loose plates in them. They managed to get the plate crooked in the ceiling before the teacher arrived, but the spider stayed firmly on it.
Keeping my eyes on the spider I dashed underneath it into the classroom. Safe… or so I thought. The boys won from the spider at some point and got it down, they threw him my way, it skidded over the desktop of the desk one row in front of me, fell to the ground, right at my feet. Before anyone could blink, I was on top of the desk behind me, my feet on my chair, hyperventilating. Luckily the girl next to me noticed I was moments from passing out so she stepped on the spider. Safe at last.

I know, these are just small compared to spiders in some countries. I will never visit those and if I would have been born there my family would have either moved or given me up for adoption to another land. Third option, I would have died of fear already.

I try to be better with them, I leave the little ones at home alive, just to ‘grow’ as a person, but man they don’t make it easy for me. Those hairy ones I mentioned before, I guess their body feels as big as the top digit of my thumb, but is in fact about half the size of it. (It’s those legs, they make them feel so big). Not too long ago I woke up, went to the toilet and….. there was one of them in the toilet bowl. In the water, but very much alive. I hardly dared to flush! Afraid it would ‘surf’ itself out of there. When it was flushed down, I flushed once more, just to be on the safe side. Brrr.

The trouble with this situation was… they always come in pairs.  There was just one in the toilet. Where is the other one? My partner said they already killed it, but I don’t believe that. They know how terrified I am, so they will say anything to keep me calm. To this day I have not found the missing spider. Every time I enter the toilet I go through this ritual. Open the door, see if there is no spider on there. Check the doorposts for a spider, then the floor and visible parts of the toilet when standing outside of it. Carefully come closer so I see more and more and more of the toilet. Eventually with every risk involved stick my head into the space and look at the ceiling and other high points. When no spider is to be seen I can go to the toilet, but better make it quick, because he may have I hiding spot I don’t know about.

How do I come to telling you this. This morning I got attacked by one of the little spiders in my home. I sat in my chair, like every morning, watching something on my laptop, when suddenly a tickle on my arm. Not the first time, I have got long hairs that fall out all the time and tickle me when they land on my skin. I look down to swipe the hair of my arm without thinking and see….. a spider!!!! One of those little spiders with a pinhead sized body, but legs like they never end. I get out of the chair, frantic. I swipe down my body several more times, but I do not see a spider running away from me. I don’t see it in the chair or near the laptop either. WHERE IS IT?!! I swipe my body a couple more times, just to be on the safe side. That has been about half an hour ago, I still have not found the spider and I took a seat in the couch instead of sitting back down in the chair. No way! So maybe it was just my imagination.

As long as I am standing because of swiping of a spider, let’s get to the kitchen and prepare lunch. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THIS MORNING?!! I literally exclaimed that out loud when entering the kitchen, because there was another spider, same size and make as in the chair. Not high up at the ceiling, no… hand level, just above the stove. I kept my eye on it while I prepared my lunch. Let’s get out of the kitchen then. Shit I forgot something. I get back in there…. The spider is gone! Am I going crazy, seeing spiders everywhere?
I swear. I itch all over just thinking about this, writing about this. My heart is beating faster than it should. I am actually glad I have to get to work in a minute, just to get away from these monsters.

Do I exaggerate? Yes, I do, you have read my stuff (if not go read it and you will agree). This however is not an exaggeration on my part, this is actually how afraid I am of those things. I do not look at pictures of them on the net, so I know I will get the creeps every time I see the picture I am planning on putting with this blog. It is the actual living spider in my actual toilet. THE HOROR!

I know I am bigger and I could easily kill them. I don’t need you to tell me that. I know, but still…. I am so glad I am not Ron Weasley going into the forest to find aragog or Sam or Frodo! That is how those spiders feel to me though. Huge black monsters with too many eyes, that keep an eye on you and will take you down when you are not looking.





Strange thing, feeling free.
Not free as in not in jail, free as in not boxed in by society.

I don’t get this feeling that much, as you might have gathered by reading my blog.
The few times I get this feeling are moments that funnily enough are not accepted by all of society.

The first time this feeling came upon me has been about ten to eleven years back. I had found my first job and left the home I grew up in. My brothers are all quite some years older, one of them lived alone, liked some company, so I went to live with him. Two free spirits that in some ways do not fit into our society as it is now. After work we could decide to go to the beach for a swim first, then go home and get something to eat. It was wonderful.

The first time at the beach was the first time of freedom. Don’t judge me on wat I will tell you now, because it might not be accepted by all, but it is quite natural.

My brother and I decided to go to the beach. I told him I was wearing my swimsuit under my clothes and ready to go. At that time he realized we had not been to the beach together in a while and there had to be changes to his style. He was used to go to a nudist beach. He told me he would get his swim trunks, but I decided he did not have to change because of me, so I went to the beach he always went to.

I will not lie, the first few minutes where terrifying. After that I decided this is the best way to go to the beach.
For the first time in my life there wasn’t a moment I felt awkward or different.

Normally I would have straightened out my bathing suit about a hundred times. I would constantly think about what others would think if they saw me.
After five minutes on this beach that was all gone. The whole beach felt like one body of mother nature. Every time I take time to visit a sauna or a nudist beach I feel this freedom of not questioning myself and I truly enjoy being who I am for all there is. Too bad I can’t feel this way about myself all the time. I try, but I am to self-conscious to..

Well you can’t have everything so I will just enjoy the moments I feel like this to the max.
I hope you feel good about yourself (even if I don’t feel good about myself all the time) because for me, we are all beautiful.


Story Matters

Remember my first entry?
I told you about how I started the blog and I mentioned Curt Mega’s Podcast.
I did not mention the name of the podcast, so I will correct that in this blog.
The title states it: Story Matters.

I love listening to this podcast, because it helps to put life into perspective. You get to step away from your own thoughts for a while and get to listen to wonderful minds at work.

I started listening from the beginning, because I am do not like to start things in the middle, but I had soon listened to all episodes and was waiting for more.

Apparently lately not that many people listen anymore and that might bring an end to the podcast. I get that, it takes time and effort to make it, and if you do it for yourself, why do it?
I do it, because it has turned into a hobby/therapy, but for him it is income.

The thing I like about it is the passion you hear in every episode about the things they are talking about. For the first season Curt has guests in most of the episodes. He talks to them about who they are, what the like/dislike, how they came to be who/where they are. Since he comes from the entertainment industry, the guests are as well, as are most topics. But the layers people… Listen carefully, because there is so much being said in the podcast that might change you view on things.

There are not only interview episodes. Some of them are Curt thinking out loud, some are stories of his, some are stories he made with his Patreon backers and in the new season he is joined by Kim Whalen and Michael Tobias. They have good chemistry together.

Recently I started posting my blogs on SoundCloud as well. Again, I started to branch out because of story matters. Just so it will be there for people to stumble on to. In hopes they like it, for when you have time to listen, but not to read. I listen to Story Matters on my way to work/home. I figured that would be ideal for when you do not have time to read my blogs, but would not want to miss them. As with listening to  Curt’s podcast, I started at the beginning of my posts. Do not underestimate how much work goes into putting something online! I do not even do it professionally (he uses professional stuff and all), but to get it just right without stumbling through my words, it takes a huge effort.

I hope that even though I do not have huge following, I will set something in motion. I hope a lot of people that did not know about the podcast will find their way to it. Take a listen please. If you like it, stay tuned. If you don’t like it, that is ok, not everyone likes the same thing. Just do one thing for me, please. Give Story Matters a try. I am hooked. I hope you will be to.
Let me know what you think about Story Matters!


P.S. Here is a link to Story Matters on SoundCloud. If you want other links (I-tunes for example) go to my Facebook or twitter account. I shared post of Story matters, and Curt puts in loads of links to help you find him. Even better go to the Story Matters Facebook account! I will give you a link to that as well :D.




Mario Cart

Ok I am going to share some more embarrassing stuff, but it gave me such a big smile yesterday that I just have to 😀

As you may have taken away from earlier posts I ride a bicycle very often. Cyclists should know there is something as curtesy rules while on a bike. I think I break a lot of those rules. No, not traffic rules, curtesy rules.

So what do these rules entail? When you think about it they will be very obvious. You never fart when there are people cycling behind you, you don’t listen to music without headphones, you make sure your body odour is under control, that sort of thing. In other words you take into account you are not alone on the road and since you are not in the protective cover of a car, other cyclists might be bothered by some things.

Let’s be honest, you would not like it to be riding your bike behind someone that did not shower for a week (exaggeration, I know, but still, you get the point), while you would not mind staying behind someone that put on some nice perfume of deodorant.

About that music rule… I think it changed through time, because a lot of people (especially the school going type) listen to their music without headphones, so we all can ‘enjoy’ it.

I am not that much better mind. Why? Well I listen to my music with headphones, but the music I listen to are the practice tracks for the choir I sing with. Did you guess why I am not that much better? I think you might even say I am worse, because instead of the music people get my voice to listen to, no music at all, and not the complete song, because other vocal groups are missing. Let’s just say people are happy I do not sing the soprano part.

So yesterday I was on my way home when I started getting cramps. The stomach kind. There are a lot of people on the road (on bicycle), so I have to behave and let the cramp be. At one point it just feels awful, so I decide to let some ‘air’ out. You know, just let it slip out silently, so no one will know, but I will be more comfortable. I lift my but a bit, because as you might know, farting when seated is very difficult, and…… The sound that came out was deafening!
Now there was someone on a bicycle behind me. Not directly behind me, but I figure he had to have heard. And not only he, the people in front of me must have heard as well. The sound of it could have waken the dead!

Now I get red in the face, I feel ashamed, but at the same time I let out a very high pitched shot laugh (hah). Even though I knew it was wrong, I found it funny, because I did not see it coming. Now this is where the title comes to play. In my mind the thing gets a lot funnier, because all of a sudden I think about Mario Cart. I see the cyclist behind me being slowed down by a cloud of gas and I have to be honest, at this point I am laughing in my mind. So funny. Lucky for me it did not come to the point I had to stop along the side of the road because of laughter, but knowing me it easily could have.

I wanted to write this piece when I got home, but other things had to be done first, then I started to waver, is it a thing I want to put online, maybe I’d better not.
This morning I woke up still having the memory of yesterday and wanting to share it. Shortly after my mind created an even better picture. I don’t just slow the other ‘drivers’ down with gas, but I sling out musicals notes to them as well. The Mario Cart picture gets more and more complete in my mind. What the… I will share the story online. Why keep the fun all to myself, right.

I hope you enjoyed it, because I certainly did. You should see the smirk on my face at this point 😀


Love dreamer

Escape rooms

One thing I know for certain…. I LOVE escape rooms.

I had this hen party.
A friend of mine got married this month, so last month was time for a hen party.
Not one with drinking until you can’t walk, strippers, fake male body parts or weird assignments. Just a girls evening out with presents, girl talk, diner and an escape room!

I just love those things. Years ago, before you could actually try and escape one physically I did those things online. My first one ever being the crimson room. It got me hooked. I was an intern at that time, and everyone at the office was trying to get out of this online room. Everyone wanted to be the first to get out! I got out on my own and as far as my memory goes.. first. But who knows, someone else might remember it differently.

Since crimson room I have escaped loads of rooms on the internet. Even rooms that had Japanese signs for speech. I had no idea wat was going on, but I HAD to get out.
After years of online escaping I heard someone talk about escape rooms and asked how they liked doing this online. I got a blank look back.
“What do you mean online? This is an actual room they lock you in. It is not something you do online!”
Uh wrong, that’s where it started, but as I heard than for the first time ever, they were starting to pop up in real life!!!!!
Mind you I did not think they could be as good as online, after all, you have to make things physically possible, while you can get away with things online that can’t happen in real life.

Now these things are not cheap, but man….. are they fun! I have done three by now. The first one ever had the theme around the world. We got locked into a room where we had to open cabinets in order to get flags from around the world. Each flag had a number, put them in the right order from left to right as they would follow if you travel the earth and you have the code to open the door.

At one point a cabinet turned out to be a door to a small room! I felt like a kid in a candy store. Stoked to the bone, you could not have made me happier. We had to fill a cup with hot water to have numbers revealed by the steam, a sink filled up with water to get a key on a floater, put sparkplugs stars in a puzzle chest to light the fireplace, where a code became visible, all stuff like that! If only one of us would have been smart enough to have taken the globe of the desk to put all flags in order, instead of using the huge flattened out map on the wall, we would have gotten out, but still, wonderful.

The second one I did had changed since first use. There where locks with letters to start with and now they were locks with numbers, so it was more difficult to find the right puzzle pieces. We got out in time, but it was not as much fun as the first (no secret rooms to discover and all). The story was, we were in a laboratory under water and he air was running out, so we needed to get out.

The one at the hen party was the best until now though! Billy the kid was looking for gang members and in order to become part of his gang we had to get out of the saloon, get our friends out of jail (some of us actually started in another part of the room, out of sight and earshot) and we needed to break into the bank and blow up the safe, within an hour. It did not have one secret room, nooooooo, there were about FIVE areas you had to get to! Enough puzzles to solve for all of us. One of them I would have never thought to find in real life… A key in a piano, that would only fall out if you played the correct tune! It was soooooooooooo good. Forget the candy store, I felt like Charlie after he inherited the factory of Willy Wonka.

Now if you ever want to get to know future colleagues, friends, family members or whoever, just go to an escape room, because they will lock you up in a room for an hour and you have to get out by working together. Trust me, you will get to know each other on a new level. I found that I had to stay clear of someone in the second room because they worked on my nerves! But hey, we survived and I keep clear of this person if I can, but I know we can be civil with each other when we need to.

One thing I know for certain…. I LOVE escape rooms.

Love dreamer

(PS I’ve started an audio version of my blog as well:

Time flies

Another week has past already!!!!
Time flies……
Oke here I go….

Another week has past already!!!!
Time flies……

So last week I told you there was a lot to tell since I had been busy with my studies.
Yeah, there was….. but my memory you know.
Sometimes you’d think I should live in a retirement home.
I don’t remember the things I wanted to tell you.
I know, I should have written it down, but…. Yeah lazy, remember.
Oooo wait, there it is…. One of the things to tell, I remembered!!!!
I feel sooooooo happy 😀

Oke here I go….

Ever heard of fear of heights? I am afraid of those things. Not just when you are up really really high, but even when you are just at 1st floor. Now I have gathered there are different ways to interpret that, depending on where you live, so let me elaborate…. First floor for me is just one floor up from street level.

At work the genius architect decided it would be stylish to have the first floor stop about midway (just the bit of first floor that is directly above the entry hall), where you get al railing and you can look out over the ground floor. The building consists of three towers, of which two are in use for office space. To get from one tower to the other you have to cross this nice HALF first floor. I NEVER looked down because man, I start sweating and getting cold when I did that. When I walk there I always look at the ceiling. The architect had another bright idea though…. The part where you cross directly over the counter where guests report is just a bridge. You have open space besides you at both sides!!!!!!! Again, I looked at the ceiling while passing over it.

A friend of mine agreed to help me get rid of that fear, or at least try to. You know what they say right… face your fears. And so I did, we went climbing in the trees. Not just any trees.

These where especially prepared to be climbed. You did a whole track, way up high in the trees, from platform to platform. Crossing ropes, logs, barrels and zip lines. In other words…. HELL.

So this friend and I went there, we were given a harness to put on, they checked if it was safe and put the zip line reel and a double safety clip on it and we were sent into the forest. While still on the ground they told us the basics on how to use the zip line and the safety clips. Those clips where made in such a way they could never be open at the same time, and since the cable you attached yourself to would not disappear until you reached the ground again, where there was a nail at the back of the ladder on which you could close one clip, that could than easily be taken of the nail, to open the other clip and you would be free, you would always be secured. In other words, if we would fall/fail, the clips would keep us up in the trees.

So we started with a training track consisting of three trees, so two crossings, one of which a zip line. The loge bridge was oke, just look forward, not down. Then the zip line. O shit…. I have to lose any hold underneath my feet. It took me a while, but I did it. The harness gives you something to ‘sit’ in, so after a while I even learned to enjoy those things!

We have crossed from tree to tree, passing ropes and logs and getting very tired. So tired in fact that in the end I had to stand still after every step I took, because my right leg had to stop trembling. Now since I don’t want to make this blog to long (may be one day I will elaborate, but not today) I will just tell you about the hardest part of the track.

My friend really wanted to do this, so we went to a part where you have to attach your clips to two bunches of though elastic ropes and jump. When you jump you zip over two line (hence two bunches of ropes), just like you would on the zip line. You end up in this giant net of ropes that has been put up between two trees (almost like a spiders web, if it would be made of rectangles) where you have to climb up, there you can put your clips on a new safety line and you have to choose if you want to continue the track on your right or left, and climb to that tree. Sounds easy enough when I tell you, but to do this…..

So we reach the platform with the two bunches of ropes, I hook up to them (keep in mind, you cannot exit the track until you have reached the end and turning back is no option, because more people are behind you) and I get ready to jump (height is about two floors above ground level). I tell myself to jump, but nothing happens. It is counter intuitive to jump into nothing. There was nothing to hang on to, because those ropes where going to stretch, so a no go to hold on to. I decided, maybe I have enough courage to jump if I sit down first. So I sat. NOPE!!! Standing up again, sitting down again. Telling my partner I love him and sorry for dying if this would have been the case (and no, he was not there). Telling myself to jump….. I just could not. I told my friend he would have to push me for us to move forward, because I would not be able to jump.

He did not need encouragement an pushed (he loved he could). I screamed my lungs out (at least that is how I feel I went along the cables) and ended up in the rope net. I thought the hard part was over. Guess again…. It gives way under your weight!!! It took me ages to get up to the anchoring line (and you need to get there, otherwise you can’t get you clips free of the rope bunches). I wished I would have been able to climb down at that point, but I made it to the next platform. Proud to be there I needed some time to catch my breath.

As is obvious, since I am still able to write, I survived, with the words ‘never again!’

I have had aching muscles for three days and both my arms where full of bruises, but it has worked! At least some, because I don’t need to look at the ceiling anymore if I need to get to the other tower at work.

I had an adventure, cured (at least a bit) of my fear of heights and had an awesome time with one of my best friends. What more do you want 😀

Love dreamer

After ages and ages,

Hi there, I am very sorry it has been ages since I last wrote.
What kind of course takes less than two months you might ask. I decided to share this part with you as well,

Hi there, I am very sorry it has been ages since I last wrote. Yes the title refers to those ages, not real ones, sorry again.
This time I do have a good excuse though!

Remember the course I told you about. I took it…… and I got my diploma!!!

What kind of course takes less than two months you might ask. I decided to share this part with you as well, hoping you don’t think I’m a freak afterward.
At least not more of a freak than you already know I am.

Let me start of keeping it a bit of a mystery still, the answer will be in this piece, I promise.
The course is for something I have been wanting to do since I have been about 14. I could not get an education in it then, because it was one of those things you have to learn in practice and then you go to school one day of the week. We know a system in our land where the government can help pay for your education if your parents can not get you through it themselves, but the education I wanted was not included.

Now do not think for one moment my parents where lazy or anything! The have always done everything they could to get us wat we needed, but sometimes life does not turn out the way you expect. I have had the best youth ever, with more love at home than lots of kids get and loads of love to spare. I did get a good education in doing something I truly like doing (I work in administration) but it was not my first choice.
The two choices could not be further apart than they are I think, but that does not matter. Back to business…

Now, years later I found a course that could help me to go follow my heart. It is a start, but I am going to have to change my life and my partner and I will have to discuss if we can get me started in it financially, because it would mean I will probably have to start with a contract for zero hours. If there is work, I work, but there might be times I barely bring in enough for bread that month. Ah well, we will see how that goes. I’ll keep you posted.

Now the moment you have been waiting for….
What kind of a freak am I?

Keep in mind, the course only gave me basic information. The only way to really learn to do what I want to do is by getting a job in it. You learn on the job, because getting schooled in most of the things we learned requires a very specific item. One you do not simply get at a store and when one is available it need to be treated with respect.

The course I did was one of five weeks in which I learned the basics of taking care of our dearly departed.

When your loved ones die, some-one needs to take care of them for the time they are above ground. I want to be some-one who takes that burden of your shoulders, so you can grieve, and know they are in good hands. As I said, I just learned the basic. The do’s and don’ts you have to know. A little practice in how stiches work. Which stich can we use and in what situation do we use them. We practiced on pigs skin and afterwards on a banana.

On a BANANA! Yes, on a banana (what am I a minion?) because the skin of a banana is so fragile. If you can do you stiches without tearing through it you know you do it with finesse. Believe me, I thought it would be easy, but the banana turned brown under my hands and the skin got all soft, but I succeeded.

After the things I have seen and heard, I know I want to do this job. It is sooooooo important to have a proper goodbye, because there are no do-overs. It has to go right in one take, but if it does….. it helps the people left behind at least a little bit, because the first step on the road of grieve has been a good one.

We also learned thing are very different if you get to other countries. The things we learn here, do not apply to the world, just to our country. We have certain laws about dealing with the dead and every piece of the world handles it their way. As far as I am concerned, if it is a good way for them it is a good way.

Now let’s hope I can find a job and start turning my wishes to reality, even though I know it is not as rose-coloured as It seems from what I have written. Yes I know I will get babies and children and people that did not die in their sleep and might even be unrecognisable, but keep in mind… most of the times it won’t be my loved one, so I have a certain distance that is needed to be able to do this. For me the most important thing is to help people say goodbye to their loved ones.

Since I have not sat down and shared my life for a couple of weeks, there are stories that have not been told… Time to catch up, but let’s do that in my next entry. Thank you for being patient.

Love dreamer

Am I actually doing this?

Am I actually doing this?
This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears?

No really, am I?

I changed choirs, so no I sing rock music instead of musical and I got an e-mail that I can go do the course I told you about . I even actually applied for a job I could do with that course! (hope I did not jinx it)

Am I going crazy? Cold sweat is gathering people, loads of it.

Here I am, past my thirties, a great partner, a house to pay for, a job (even though it is a temp job, I am on contract by the agency, so reasonably safe) and bills to pay.
All of a sudden I decide to step off the path. AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!!

I admire people who take risks, but let’s be honest: I am not one to do so.
At least I never was. Safety has always been the choice for me. This is all so exciting but sooooooooo frightening at the same time.

Since I decided to step of the path I have been doubting. I mean, the path I was walking on was safe. Someone found a path through life, smoothed it, even made sure there is asphalt on it for my convenience and made sure I would not encounter danger I could not handle and wat do I do?
I wander of the path. I decide to get into the woods (hopefully not like the musical, because I don’t want people to die because of the wandering I do).

This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears (yep another musical)?
Will I be able to fight them off? I am pretty sure I will lose if I pick a fight with them though.

Really girl, get a grip!!!! So what if I encounter anything new. The first thing to try is making friends with it if it is alive. I can decide what to do other than that when it does not want to be friends. The path I was on may have brought me to my death safely, but with my partner at my side every path is a path I can take! Who knows, maybe I will find my El Dorado 😀

And yes, I realise that it sound like I think I could never be happy or go anywhere without my partner. I know I can get there on my own, I would have the strength to survive and find my way, but let’s be honest. It is more fun if you have someone by your side even though they are capable of driving you crazy. Maybe it is because of the capability to drive you crazy, I don’t know. The only thing I know is that at this moment I want to spend the rest of my life with them, and as far as I know that is mutual.

As far as the crazy parts in this blog, the getting of the path and crazy driving partner….
Life would be dull without crazy, so I think I am on the right path. A scary one……. But the right one. Let’s start the adventure!

Love dreamer

Career change?

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.

So last time I told you I decided to stop singing at my choir and find one closer by. I have found I choir in my city to join and I told people at my current choir I would stop singing there.
Yes current choir, because they have a ‘show’ next weekend, where I will sing my song one last time so they won’t have to rearrange everything, but it will be the last for me with them.

My ego got a boost, because they told me they would rather not see me go and I almost let myself be talked out of leaving, but I have to…. Don’t I?
Yes I do, I am sure of it, the more I think, the more I know it is what I have to do.

So that change will happen. Then there is this other change I decide on last week.
Well no, not really last week, I knew this is what I want since I had to decide my career, but it was too expensive. Now I will try and go ahead with the choice I made then.

I decided to get a diploma to get a job at a funeral parlour.
I know it sounds creepy, but my idea behind it is that you can make a difference for the people that have to deal with a loss.

Sure it won’t be a sunshine job, but I have lost people over the last few years that where close and their funerals where an important part off the closure.
I want to help people like that, even if they don’t know I am the one helping.
No spotlight, just work.

Maybe I am crazy, but still I have wanted this for years. There is a course to get a diploma in it, so that is my start. I signed up for it. Now I have to wait for a yes from them and then I will be able to walk a step further. I hope my steps will lead me to where I want to be. I don’t doubt that you will get to read about this journey through my blog 😀

I am so glad I have taken the first step, and I almost thought it would not happen, or cost my relationship.
When I learned about the course I told my partner, to discuss the cost and all (after all we both need to agree to expenses) and instead of the “go for it!” I got the  “are you sure?”. My partner doubts, and not because of the money, but because of the hours. They will become irregular if I find a job doing this. I don’t mind, but I get the hesitation.

My partner needed time to think, so I waited…. Waiting is not that easy, your mind takes control and all of a sudden it started to wander, what if they say no, I don’t want you to pursue that career? Would that mean I had to choose between being happy with the person I love and the job I wanted for so long? Cold sweat.
Luckily he said yes, go get your diploma, and so I send the e-mail to make my interest known and now I am awaiting a response to tell me I can or can’t participate.
Keep your fingers crossed please.

Love dreamer

Showing your heart

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. Who would have thought singing could do this!

About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. It started in a train on my way home with a colleague. We were talking about things we like/love to do. Remember I told you before (even though people who do not know me well enough might not agree) that I am very self-conscious and always afraid to make a fool of myself without intending to. I told my colleague I dreamed of being an actress/musical star when I was younger, but fear kept me from pursuing that dream.

As we talked he asked me what I wanted to do most, acting or singing. I told him it did not matter and that is how things changed. He was part of an orchestra that was about to put on a show, and for this show they needed a choir. He asked me to come along for his meeting with a choir they asked to be a part of this and I agreed. He cancelled on coming along just before we were supposed to meet at the rehearsal of this choir and I ended up going there on my own.

I felt so sick when entering the building, shaking hands with one of the members and sitting down to talk to her about this choir and the fact that I could try out and become a part of it. I wanted to turn around and run, but I didn’t.
The other members started arriving and gave me such a warm welcome (yet cold sweat was still an issue for me) that I went through with the rehearsal. I joked about being there to get them to sing off key, but it went rather well. I felt so good afterward!!!

Who would have thought singing could do this! I sang at home, where no-one could hear me, safe. Then some years before I took this step, some dear friends of mine got me to sing along with one of these singing games (my first time not singing at home or school) and I loved those, but this…. It is so much different if you sing as part of a whole I cannot describe the feeling.

It felt good to be a part of this group of people, and I learned a lot with them, but being self-confident was not one of those things. Most people in there are so good I felt small and I relied on others instead of myself. Plus I figured I wanted to act as well as sing, so I said my goodbyes to these wonderful people and left to find a group that acted as well.

I found such a group, not in my city, but near. They made me feel welcome as well and it felt good becoming a part of them. They were preparing for a play and I became part of it. I started to feel more and more confident about my singing and had lots of fun. Some people left the group and one of those people sang a couple of songs that were important for the play. Those songs needed new singers and one of those songs is very dear to me, because of my father. There was to be an audition for who would sing it.

Back at my first choir I had auditioned, but afterward I felt sooooooo bad, I said I would never do that again. For this song at my new choir I reconsidered an auditioned. And guess what I got to sing the song!!!!!

A couple of months have passed since the play took place, and I truly loved it and the people I sing with, but…
I feel more and more reluctant at going there, so I have to decide, do I stay at the choir (I have been to three rehearsals since the beginning of this year) or do I stop there.

Today I reached a decision, and they don’t know this yet, but I have decided to stop singing there. My partner told me I need my relaxation and knows choir brings that for me, so he did not agree, until I told him that I will go on singing, but in our own town. I’ll find another choir, stop thinking about the acting (this choir was still more of a choir than a musical group) and be content with singing.

I may not be the best singer (I need training, but that takes money), but I enjoy it, so I will keep doing this. Singing (acting) is showing people your heart. It took me a long time before I had the courage to do this, but I don’t want to shut it away again, so new choir, here I come!!!!

Love dreamer

Years back, right?

I vividly remember how scary things where when I was younger. maybe, just maybe, this post can show someone else they are not alone in their fears.

I vividly remember how scary things where when I was younger. The reason I remember so vividly? I think it is because most things are still as scary to me, but I’ve learned to hide it better.

Enter a room full of people I don’t know. When I was younger I did it from behind the leg of my father of mother. Now I stand outside for several minutes telling myself I can do this, they won’t bite (like my parents used to) enter the room with butterflies in my stomach and the feeling I could throw up any minute, but a smile on my face and a faked confidence (or so I hope) so they won’t see I am an easy prey.

Getting out of the house for groceries, to get to work, go to someone I know and like…. Not a problem. Getting out of the door to get rid of weeds or wash windows, WHY DO I HAVE TO? I know everyone does these things, but I don’t want to. “Why not” People can see me doing these things. “So?” Well, they will have an opinion about me won’t they? What if they think I am weird, or worse what if they make fun of the way I do those chores? “They won’t, why would they?” I don’t know, but it is possible, so I don’t want to.
That is just one of the arguments I have with myself. And it is nonsense to be afraid of what people think at that moment, I know, but still.
I can be weird on purpose, than I don’t mind what they think, it is the thoughts they can have about me when I am not being silly. The fear of people being nice to you because you are ‘special’.

The fact that my fears didn’t disappear struck me this week, because of one of my co-workers. She did not do anything, but look so damn self-confident. Remember the popular girls in school. Looking like they knew everyone would run for them if they snapped their finger and with good right? That’s what she felt like for me at that moment. Every damn time I see her I feel like the four year old, on her birthday at school, forced to bring the teachers a treat, so she goes into the classrooms of the older kids and feels like she should be swallowed by the earth, because they are so much more than she is.

I tell myself I am an adult, I should not feel like I am less than anyone else. I should be proud of me, and I am. But at those moments I don’t believe myself and still wish for the earth to swallow me.

Maybe I handle it with more grace than when I was younger, but those feelings… I am afraid they will never leave me. I’ve decided it is better to get to know them and be friends them, at least that gives me a better capacity to deal with them.

That being said, I am happy with me (getting happier growing older, because you learn how to) and my quirks are part of me so it makes me the (most times I hope) loveable person I am. But maybe, just maybe, this post can show someone else they are not alone in their fears. Maybe they differ in how big they are, but we are not alone.

Love dreamer


So here we are in the new year, there is summer to look forward to, but noooooo winter decides to show up after all.
And not all in either, but just enough to let you know it still exists, even with global warming.

So here we are in the new year, there is summer to look forward to, but noooooo winter decides to show up after all.
And not all in either, but just enough to let you know it still exists, even with global warming.

I do not mind winter, I like the season well enough and had fun in the snow and on frozen lakes as a kid. The problem is it is never truly winter anymore. An because of that you cannot truly prepare for it, can you?

One day all roads freeze over, not visible (that is the time I fell of my bike three times! Now I am actually afraid to ride my bike when it feels to cold outside. I am such a whimp!) the next the sun is shining and you feel like you should see lambs in the field next to the sheep, in other words, spring should have started.

I like winter if it comes as winter, not if it just weaves in and out like a ninja. Can it be that winter does that as a revenge against global warming? I see it happening:

Winter sits in this icy lair of his, waiting for Summer and Autumn to pass:
“Those foolish humans! Why do they have to mess with nature, don’t they know everything has his balance? Why do they mess with everything they come across? Someone has to stop them, tell them what they are doing is BAD!”
There is this little (adorable) monster sitting at his feet, looking like a little snowball asking: “But Winter, who will be able to tell them that, don’t they know already?”
Winter: “No they don’t, because then they would have changed their ways would they not? Let’s get together with the other seasons and talk this over!

Then the other seasons come over and they agree, they have to tell us to stop doing things the way we are. But how, because they don’t speak nature!
And that is why, Summer is never the Summer he used to be, he holds back on us, to tell us we are doing wrong. He will give us a warm day now and again, but never a full nice summer, that is something from the past. Spring and Autumn agreed to be even more unpredictable then before, taking days off, so Winter can take over. It was his idea, so he can have most fun in communicating his discontent. Winter comes by all year around, giving us blasts of snow and cold when we least expect it, but never enough to truly get used to is.

“It will be had to divide our attention like that”, Summer says. To what winter replies: “That is why we start small, figure out how we can alternate our work and gradualy spread across the whole globe”.

And that is what is happening, they tell us to take care of nature and our world, but we are not listening, and as a result winter has decided to start its burst after all. No, you can’t have enough snow for snow angels, just enough to unsettle you, and then I am gone.
I wish I could fix things for nature, but I am afraid we need to work together on that one (and I am nog a saint if it comes to saving nature single handed, because I like my comforts as well as anyone), so let’s see if we can get the seasons on our side again 😀

Love dreamer

Couch potato,

First of all, sorry it has been a while.Now that this is out of the way, I have been thinking about the blog and something I really want to share. thank you city officials, for wanting to be de bike friendliest city of the country!

Hi there.
First of all, sorry it has been a while. I could give you all excuses possible, like I haven’t been feeling well and all, but there is no excuse that covers not writing.

I have just been lazy. As a matter of fact that is one of my worst qualities. I am lazy as hell.
Give me a show to watch, I will do nothing but watch for a long time.
Household chores need to be done, one more episode, one more… Ok when the clock strikes three I will do the things that need to be done. Shit five o clock, I need to cook before my partner gets home. While cooking I work the things that really catch you eye out of sight, well I guess I have done some of  the chores, so…. Right, everything that needs to be on the stove is on it, let’s watch some more episodes.

So that’s me, until a deadline creeps up on me for something important to do, then I go do it.
As I said, lazy. That is why there was no new blog within a week, because there is no one telling me it has to be written at a specific moment. So… Sorry it has been a while, it is all on me.

Now that this is out of the way, I have been thinking about the blog and something I really want to share.

Where I live it is quite normal to go places by bike. As a matter of fact, cities get declared bike friendliest town of the year. The city I live in is going for that title for the year 2020. The things they come up with to realize that are insane!!!!

Bike roads are being placed though parks, so grass has to clear the way for a red road wide enough for a car to pass over. What do they think? That drivers will think, “he a shortcut, wait, it is for bikes because it is red, well I will do the right thing and drive all the way around”. Of course they won’t, so before you know it the park made way for an undercover road, nice job!

And what about the traffic light for bicycles. Normally you have just the traffic light, green is go, red is stop. We all know to wait, even the colour blind know, top is red, bottom is green. Our city placed countdown lights next to the traffic light. Nice right! You hit the button to have the light turn to green, the countdown light turns on and you see a circle of lights where light turn off until there is no light left on, the traffic light turns green and there you go.

Lovely in theory, because now you know how long you have before the light turns green. If you want to take off you jacket and put it on the back of the bike, you know when you have to be done, because the thing will be counting down orderly, right? WRONG!

Sometimes you hit the button, the countdown light turns on and within seconds it the circle of lights went out. At other times the circle of light turns on, the first light turns off, then turns on, then turns off, then turns on, then turns off, then turns on (this can take up to two minutes of going on, so I will stop writing it down, just read it over and over until you feel it has been an eternity) and then all at once the circle looks like a loading circle, one after the other all light turn off. You can go.
Then there is the most irritating version. You see the lights tick away, it is going steadily (jay a good one!) ten, nine, eight, seven, six, (foot on the peddle), five, four, three, (get ready to move!), two, one (Let’s go!), one, one, one, one, (why is the light still red? I almost went, if I hadn’t used my eyes that car would have driven over me!!!), one, one, one, one, (ok my foot is cramping, let’s get it of the paddle), green! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

So thank you city officials, for wanting to be de bike friendliest city of the country!
I think their secret agenda is to get people with bad harts to work up a heart attack and people with not too much intellect to get run over by cars to make sure only the best people get to live in this city.
Luckily for me the light does not weed out the lazy 😀

Love dreamer

Changing directions

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.
I decided then and there it is time to change.

The last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster and they hit me out of nowhere.

The company I work for doe soooooooooo much to help the people that work there grow!
Since I work here (about half a year) I have been to six events organized by the company and four of them where actually based on growing as a person! On one of the occasions there even was a professional photographer to take pictures you can use as profile pictures!

Last Tuesday I had a workshop to find out if I am on the right track. I figured it would entail hearing if you are still right for the company, but man was I wrong!
We worked on finding out who we are, if we are doing the thing that makes us feel good and what we need in the changing society in order to stay on top of thing, with or without the company we are working for.

We got a chance to listen to each other, and help to find ways to reach goals. It was that workshop that helped me figure out I have been relying on safety where it can’t be necessarily found. From the moment the workshop had started I knew, this would be a mirror I needed. Every aspect of it talked about changes. How the world changed over the years. Think about it…. The year 2000, what where you doing? What was hot at that time? Your phone, what did it look like? (I had a yellow phone that could make calls and send text messages. I could even send pixel pictures, no photos. It was a pre-payed device.) For fun, go on the internet, and look at the news of that year.

So changes. We got shown YouTube clips that talked about change. One of those showed penguins. It had subtitles that said we all walk a much walked path, but there is always a first person to want to try another. If there are enough people willing to follow the first (most of the times after he/she has been declared the biggest fool alive) a new path has been made and will be followed until the next individual gets the idea to try something new.
That is how things work.
I am the follow the path kind of person. Afraid to go off alone. What if there are monsters to eat me!

The last thing we got shown was a picture of a lot of birds on a branch. I think you will all know it. It states that birds are not afraid of the branch breaking, because they trust their wings.
I don’t trust my wings, so I put my trust in the branch. I never thought about the things that can happen to it. I picked a sturdy one to sit on, not a flimsy thing on the side of the tree!
But what if there is a fire, or a storm or something? I never thought about it. I wonder if I am the only one stupid enough not to  trust myself.
Correction, not stupid enough. I am insecure as hell.

I decided then and there it is time to change. I have been through about a third of my life if I am lucky enough. You are never too old to learn, so you sure as hell are not too old to change, if you really want to. And I do.

So I am going to try and become a volunteer in the field of work I wanted to work in since I was a teenager (but could not afford the study). I have already heard I should not go for the study until I find work, so why start with work? Start as a volunteer, create a network, show my worth


Love dreamer


I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

Ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks? I don’t have anything against anyone and handicap or not, it does not matter to me, I can be  friends with you if you want to and let me. I definitely try not to make a difference between whoever I meet (handicap, skin colour, accent, financial state, sexual preference, anything) because we are all people.

I say try, because I am human to and sometimes not wanting to make a difference means you have to go against instinct. All of us have ideas drilled in from places like home, school, our friends. Those ideas sometimes make that you are afraid of others or think they are weird of anything. I try to give everyone a fair chance and most of the times I succeed.

I start with ever noticed handicapped people can be real jerks, but that goes for anyone of course. In this particular situation I am actually talking about a handicapped person.

We all use the quality’s  we have to help us along in life, so if you have a handicap and you can take advantage of it without hurting anyone, do it! You would be a fool not to, because so many people do it as well. But do not think you deserve special treatment because of your handicap, other than medical based. You are a person just as all the others.

Why this? Well I’ve been to a concert last weekend. I had a blast, until I had a wheelchair up at my legs.
This event did not have seats and did not have an area for wheelchairs. I think that is a huge flaw from the organisation, but nothing to be helped at that moment. I did not go alone, there were several of us there, one of them actually in a wheel chair. He had done his research and knew there was no special place for him, so he saw the concert from the side of the stage near the railings that they put up in front of it. The place opened long before the real concert started and there was a lot of space to get near the stage, even for wheelchairs.
There was this young man in such a vehicle that stayed well in the back of the room, but when the concert started he started to move forward. Inch by inch he crept nearer. I was dancing, having a blast, until my room to move was cut off by this metal contraption. (It was a big chair, not the sports type, but the type that does everything for you, it even went up, so the guys eyes where at the same height as most peoples!) Quite a thing it was, and it was pressing at my legs, so I moved a bit to the side, things can happen, he would not do it on purpose right. No he would not. So I had stepped aside (enough room to move after all) and he kept creeping forward!!! Intentionally inching to peoples legs, making them step aside so he would have an even better view!!!!!!

I decided to not let it bother me and enjoy the concert. When he was right beside me I even tried to made a friendly eye contact. Both he and the woman he was with looked at me like I should have dropped dead at the spot. I still feel icy if I think of those looks. And afterward I heard a lot of people complain about this guy and his bulldozer chair.

But that said and my heart cleared. The concert was great (it was golden earring) and I had a blast.
It was a well-blended audience of old and young. The band was great. Everyone was wearing sneakers and comfortable clothing, but not me!!!!! If I go out I want to look the part, so I had put on a dress and the same high heels I wore at New Year’s Eve. You should have seen the look on the faces of some people :D. This was obviously one of the reasons for me to move aside for the bulldozer. Imagine that thing getting on you bare toes!  The horror! Near the end of the concert we went and stood on the side, where our friend in his chair had been. Some girls noticed my heels, I tell you, the missed the encore because they were too busy looking, pointing and whispering. No way someone could have done a concert in these heels!!!! I have, and enjoyed the whole thing, with or without bulldozer.

Love dreamer

P.S. I know I can’t draw, it is the idea that counts 😀

Feeling comfortable

I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true!

So last night before I fell asleep a thought crossed my mind. I always hear people say they know they belong together because they are comfortable when they are. That’s not true! I mean it is, but not completely.

Yes, I feel comfortable in ‘letting one rip’ when I am with my partner, I feel comfortable in being my silly self around them, even if my partner doesn’t always feel comfortable when I am being my silly self. Complete picture, yes… I feel safe, comfortable and happy as one can be, but……

When lying in bed I discovered true love is willing to be uncomfortable for the one you love.
I love to fall asleep in the arms of my partner, not comfortable for them, but it means the world to me, so I fall asleep in their arms and when I am soundly of to the land of dreams (trust me I visit there regularly and it is such a strange place!) my partner rolls me into a comfortable position for the both of us.

Last night I could not fall asleep as easily as I am used to, so I tossed and turned. I found myself constantly wanting to make contact. Just touching skin or anything, feeling that you are both in the same bed. In doing so I found a position that did not disturb my partners sleep and made me feel safe and warm, but not all to comfortable. As a matter of fact, I still feel the crick in my neck now that I have woken up to go to work. My partner turned while asleep, so it became even more uncomfortable, because a very important thing called oxygen became difficult to get in my lungs. Difficult, not impossible, so as long as I could breathe I did not mind being this uncomfortable. Eventually I even fell asleep, so…….

Conclusion, you know when you belong together when you feel comfortable in being you and are willing to be uncomfortable just to be a little bit closer to each other.

Love dreamer