About four years ago my world changed in a way I could not imagine. It started in a train on my way home with a colleague. We were talking about things we like/love to do. Remember I told you before (even though people who do not know me well enough might not agree) that I am very self-conscious and always afraid to make a fool of myself without intending to. I told my colleague I dreamed of being an actress/musical star when I was younger, but fear kept me from pursuing that dream.
As we talked he asked me what I wanted to do most, acting or singing. I told him it did not matter and that is how things changed. He was part of an orchestra that was about to put on a show, and for this show they needed a choir. He asked me to come along for his meeting with a choir they asked to be a part of this and I agreed. He cancelled on coming along just before we were supposed to meet at the rehearsal of this choir and I ended up going there on my own.
I felt so sick when entering the building, shaking hands with one of the members and sitting down to talk to her about this choir and the fact that I could try out and become a part of it. I wanted to turn around and run, but I didn’t.
The other members started arriving and gave me such a warm welcome (yet cold sweat was still an issue for me) that I went through with the rehearsal. I joked about being there to get them to sing off key, but it went rather well. I felt so good afterward!!!
Who would have thought singing could do this! I sang at home, where no-one could hear me, safe. Then some years before I took this step, some dear friends of mine got me to sing along with one of these singing games (my first time not singing at home or school) and I loved those, but this…. It is so much different if you sing as part of a whole I cannot describe the feeling.
It felt good to be a part of this group of people, and I learned a lot with them, but being self-confident was not one of those things. Most people in there are so good I felt small and I relied on others instead of myself. Plus I figured I wanted to act as well as sing, so I said my goodbyes to these wonderful people and left to find a group that acted as well.
I found such a group, not in my city, but near. They made me feel welcome as well and it felt good becoming a part of them. They were preparing for a play and I became part of it. I started to feel more and more confident about my singing and had lots of fun. Some people left the group and one of those people sang a couple of songs that were important for the play. Those songs needed new singers and one of those songs is very dear to me, because of my father. There was to be an audition for who would sing it.
Back at my first choir I had auditioned, but afterward I felt sooooooo bad, I said I would never do that again. For this song at my new choir I reconsidered an auditioned. And guess what I got to sing the song!!!!!
A couple of months have passed since the play took place, and I truly loved it and the people I sing with, but…
I feel more and more reluctant at going there, so I have to decide, do I stay at the choir (I have been to three rehearsals since the beginning of this year) or do I stop there.
Today I reached a decision, and they don’t know this yet, but I have decided to stop singing there. My partner told me I need my relaxation and knows choir brings that for me, so he did not agree, until I told him that I will go on singing, but in our own town. I’ll find another choir, stop thinking about the acting (this choir was still more of a choir than a musical group) and be content with singing.
I may not be the best singer (I need training, but that takes money), but I enjoy it, so I will keep doing this. Singing (acting) is showing people your heart. It took me a long time before I had the courage to do this, but I don’t want to shut it away again, so new choir, here I come!!!!