I vividly remember how scary things where when I was younger. The reason I remember so vividly? I think it is because most things are still as scary to me, but I’ve learned to hide it better.
Enter a room full of people I don’t know. When I was younger I did it from behind the leg of my father of mother. Now I stand outside for several minutes telling myself I can do this, they won’t bite (like my parents used to) enter the room with butterflies in my stomach and the feeling I could throw up any minute, but a smile on my face and a faked confidence (or so I hope) so they won’t see I am an easy prey.
Getting out of the house for groceries, to get to work, go to someone I know and like…. Not a problem. Getting out of the door to get rid of weeds or wash windows, WHY DO I HAVE TO? I know everyone does these things, but I don’t want to. “Why not” People can see me doing these things. “So?” Well, they will have an opinion about me won’t they? What if they think I am weird, or worse what if they make fun of the way I do those chores? “They won’t, why would they?” I don’t know, but it is possible, so I don’t want to.
That is just one of the arguments I have with myself. And it is nonsense to be afraid of what people think at that moment, I know, but still.
I can be weird on purpose, than I don’t mind what they think, it is the thoughts they can have about me when I am not being silly. The fear of people being nice to you because you are ‘special’.
The fact that my fears didn’t disappear struck me this week, because of one of my co-workers. She did not do anything, but look so damn self-confident. Remember the popular girls in school. Looking like they knew everyone would run for them if they snapped their finger and with good right? That’s what she felt like for me at that moment. Every damn time I see her I feel like the four year old, on her birthday at school, forced to bring the teachers a treat, so she goes into the classrooms of the older kids and feels like she should be swallowed by the earth, because they are so much more than she is.
I tell myself I am an adult, I should not feel like I am less than anyone else. I should be proud of me, and I am. But at those moments I don’t believe myself and still wish for the earth to swallow me.
Maybe I handle it with more grace than when I was younger, but those feelings… I am afraid they will never leave me. I’ve decided it is better to get to know them and be friends them, at least that gives me a better capacity to deal with them.
That being said, I am happy with me (getting happier growing older, because you learn how to) and my quirks are part of me so it makes me the (most times I hope) loveable person I am. But maybe, just maybe, this post can show someone else they are not alone in their fears. Maybe they differ in how big they are, but we are not alone.